SLA
Member
- Location
- Lincolnshire
Me and little un take my husband dinner every night during harvest, takes a bit more organising but makes a difference. Family "picnic" usually proper cooked meal - from spag bol to stew sat in back of pick up.
Wife seeks professional experienced farmer for……..
- Thread starter onefineday
- Start date
CharcoalWally
Member
- Location
- West of Scotland
Warning - farmers are both selfish and insecure. They like their own way pretty much all the time, and what will the neighbours think if we're not out attending to all that work that needs doing.
It's a toxic combination I'm afraid, and it's one that sometimes is only sorted out by time.
The workaholic thing is no excuse for making other people unhappy, and it makes me wonder if it's just yet another level of questionable mental health.
It's a toxic combination I'm afraid, and it's one that sometimes is only sorted out by time.
The workaholic thing is no excuse for making other people unhappy, and it makes me wonder if it's just yet another level of questionable mental health.
- Location
- Devon
Have done both the travel to the farm and now live on site.
Would choose the latter every time, but it is just me, Mrs PBH and the kids. No other family involved.
You can come in for tea, put the kids to bed when they're small, or spend some time with them as they get older, then back out to work later in the evening, especially when busier.
Personally I think Sundays are for essential jobs only, then family time. It's important for your own well being, and your family relationships, even if you hold no religious belief. (Doesn't have to be Sunday of course - whatever works).
It can be workload, particularly at certain times of the year, but it is definitely mindset, and is very hard to change before it is too late and he realises the family have grown up and he's missed it, or you've left.
Talk to him.
Any good mates of his who can see the situation and talk to him too?
Would choose the latter every time, but it is just me, Mrs PBH and the kids. No other family involved.
You can come in for tea, put the kids to bed when they're small, or spend some time with them as they get older, then back out to work later in the evening, especially when busier.
Personally I think Sundays are for essential jobs only, then family time. It's important for your own well being, and your family relationships, even if you hold no religious belief. (Doesn't have to be Sunday of course - whatever works).
It can be workload, particularly at certain times of the year, but it is definitely mindset, and is very hard to change before it is too late and he realises the family have grown up and he's missed it, or you've left.
Talk to him.
Any good mates of his who can see the situation and talk to him too?
- Location
- South Wales UK
Lot of busy people in a church yard !
I prefer not to comment on other peoples's family politics, but I can tell you that when our 4 girls were small I was of a similar mindset.
Your husband needs to realise before it is too late, that in the blink of an eye the kids are grown up and gone; and have probably had a guts-full of absentee fatherhood and sitting in the car whilst Mum drives to the farm to find Dad for them to say "goodnight". It is a good way to turn kids off farming I reckon, if their formative years are full of missed school plays, holidays and stuff because "the bloody farm" always has first call.
I have not managed to make a million from the farm in the years since ours were born, and sometimes you look around and see the results of 20 yrs of scratting about, and wonder if the price was too high.
I never lose the opportunity to tell new fathers to enjoy every spare moment with them; it doesn't last long.
Our kids say they do not hold it against me; but I tell you, if I had my time again things would be different.
Your husband needs to realise before it is too late, that in the blink of an eye the kids are grown up and gone; and have probably had a guts-full of absentee fatherhood and sitting in the car whilst Mum drives to the farm to find Dad for them to say "goodnight". It is a good way to turn kids off farming I reckon, if their formative years are full of missed school plays, holidays and stuff because "the bloody farm" always has first call.
I have not managed to make a million from the farm in the years since ours were born, and sometimes you look around and see the results of 20 yrs of scratting about, and wonder if the price was too high.
I never lose the opportunity to tell new fathers to enjoy every spare moment with them; it doesn't last long.
Our kids say they do not hold it against me; but I tell you, if I had my time again things would be different.
Northeastfarmer
Member
- Location
- Cleveland
Hope he's not a member on here 
SLA
Member
- Location
- Lincolnshire
Nope not much fun in bad weather, but it really makes a difference to have a family meal, I think they forget what its like to be part of a family when they're never there, an occasional reminder helps. If they are that busy it can be a nice gesture to take the meal to them, even if its sandwiches and cake with the kids once a week
- Location
- Ceredigion, wales
It's both. There's also most probably an unspoken expectation from his parents/family that he works that hard to keep the farm going as they 'can't afford' to pay contractors or employ staff. I don't know your/their financial situation obviously but that was certainly the case when our kids were young and I was doing similar hours to your husband. We swapped houses with my parents when our eldest was 11 and it made things so much easier living on site, though that also created new tensions as my wife had a job so wasn't always here to help/tend. This didn't bother me as much as it bothered my parents I might add.
I will say that it's more 'trendy' to spend time with the family these days. There's a noticable difference in the attitude of young parents locally compared to when our kids were young 20 years ago. I, like your husband, was almost to embarrassed to take time off. It just wasn't the done thing.
Goweresque
Member
- Location
- North Wilts
Sounds to me like @wasted years has it spot on - psychologically he's never really left home, despite having a wife, kids and house of his own. I'd be prepared to bet he calls the farm 'home' rather than where he happens to sleep at night. When most people leave home they actually leave, go to uni, move towns for a new job, buy a house of their own etc, and don't spend all their time back at their old home. They break the child/parent relationship and become an fully independent adult in their own right. I suspect the OPs husband has never done this, and the problems stem from that.
- Location
- Ceredigion, wales
Spot on.
Some people just love work, it is sadly all they know and would rather be cleaning the grain store than being out in public for
a family day out. It sounds extreme but I know it all to well.
When my mother died my dad beat himself up terrible (probably still does) that he hadn't taken mother off for holidays and days away. I can see him now in bits, saying if only we'd had more time!
Obviously it was all too late and there were few words I could find to comfort him. A tough time that taught me a lot. Farming really isn't everything.
a family day out. It sounds extreme but I know it all to well.
When my mother died my dad beat himself up terrible (probably still does) that he hadn't taken mother off for holidays and days away. I can see him now in bits, saying if only we'd had more time!
Obviously it was all too late and there were few words I could find to comfort him. A tough time that taught me a lot. Farming really isn't everything.
I thought it was another dating ad when I read the title
My farm is 4 miles from my house and yard/workshop, father stays in the farm house. I lose an hour of my day travelling. It saps a huge amount of money on fuel. So I'm off to Canada for a look at alternatives as father and step mother are staying for the considerable future
My farm is 4 miles from my house and yard/workshop, father stays in the farm house. I lose an hour of my day travelling. It saps a huge amount of money on fuel. So I'm off to Canada for a look at alternatives as father and step mother are staying for the considerable future
- Location
- Bedfordshire
My father in law ran a very successful farming business and ALWAYS had Sundays off save for 2 or 3 hours milking/feeding etc. So did his employees.
There was never ANY tractor work, fencing, harvesting or similar done on a Sunday.
Work and the business are important, but family are more important.
It would not hurt the business for your husband to have one threequarter day off every week. I hope he gets to see that, for all your sakes.
There was never ANY tractor work, fencing, harvesting or similar done on a Sunday.
Work and the business are important, but family are more important.
It would not hurt the business for your husband to have one threequarter day off every week. I hope he gets to see that, for all your sakes.
My old man once gave me the talk about 'man's world' and 'work needs to be done'. etc. I walked, had a good life in other business with my lady and now I've come back to the ruins of our empire to pick up the pieces and go forward. Dead end attitude which leads to failure and unhappiness always. If they won't talk about it and hold the reins then that is that. It's over. Not a lot you can do about it. But you have to try to talk.
Y Fan Wen
Member
- Location
- N W Snowdonia
I am forever grateful to Dad for putting his foot down and ordering me to take holidays after I got married. I was the same, far too much to be done to take a week away. He taught me that it will all keep for later, despite always feeling that I was trying to catch up. I now understand that our 2 weekly holidays are the most important parts of of our relationship.
My best mate was in NZ when we got married. We planned to go out there for a week and take brother with me. Not sure who would have been best man but I wanted them both there. Dad put his foot down and said brother couldn't possibly leave as it was.........whatever time. Would have been the same any time of year as he was a poorly paid slave by then. Anyway, we didn't go in the end. We booked Oldway Mansion in Torquay for a week's time and essentially said come or not. Most did. Some didn't as it 'wasn't enough notice'. rubbish to them. f**king people. Now you've just reminded me of another thing I can never forgive him for. Oh well. I'll probably forget it again by tomorrow. The list is long.
Wishful Thinker
Member
- Location
- Northern Ireland
I agree.
I live away from farm but used to find myself heading in for a cup of tea when finished or going in making a sandwich when I could and should have done it at home. Mrs got at me about it and she was right. Soon as I'm finished now up the road and put kettle on, middle of day head that way too for lunch, happy marriage happy life
Danllan
Member
- Location
- Sir Gar / Carms