Dealing with depression - suicidal thoughts - Join the conversation (including helpline details)

DrWazzock · Mar 9, 2020

nelly55 said:
Illness and worry finally hit me today.I woke up thinking omg I’m still here.Why be like this, because those on the end of a phone hassle me over one thing or another.I realised I can’t chat to anyone and know they will keep my problems to themselves.Just sat and cried as the knacker man shot one of my cows it was just too much.Sorry but today it all came too much.I just had to say the words.

You are not alone. I don’t know what it is about cattle, maybe it’s because they are bigger and seem to be more sentient than many other things on the farm but they do have a propensity to make us feel very low when things go wrong with them. And there is the financial side. Keep posting and be assured that we are with you in spirit if not in body, Best wishes for better times. It will improve. The storm will pass.

Hanspree · Mar 10, 2020

Jameshenry said:
I think the first person to discuss this with would be your wife, how does she feel about it all ?
Life is way too short to be tied down to a farm 24hrs a day, unless that's what you enjoy, i see big farmers all around me buying up land and farms , borrowing more money , none of them are what i would call happy, just creating a bigger headache for the next generation to either farm or fall out over,
Do your own thing and don't take any notice of what neighbours or so called friends say, they aren't in your boots

Cheers for the reply's.
Things are going well and we've got through a lot, me and wife get on well and work well together but things starting to get to her now as she can see i'm getting tired and fed up being tied to the farm 24hour.
We actually had a consultant come in and tell me to borrow more money put a building up and buy more cows, He soon got asked to leave as couldn't see how spending more money to create more work would help at this moment.
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Christoph1945 said:
No doubt, you are still affected by grief at the loss of your father and fellow farmer. In some areas there are volunteers who transport people to and from hospital appointments and FCN may have some ideas that you may find helpful.

Do you find that your problems seem to be greater on some days and not on others? Cyclic so to speak?

Agree with the grief, we all loose someone close, in farming when its someone you worked with everyday and all day all your life to then turn round to ask advice or reassurance on decisions and see an empty chair in the office is difficult, its all on your own shoulders. Spoke to FCN and as like people have said there is more to life than cows.
It may sound daft but it hurts more and feels like letting the family when I hear what other parents have done with their kids like camping at weekends or going abroard skiing for a week in half term and all we have done is work on the farm. At our rural school there are not many farm kids go as not many farms left so the other parents have jobs that are 5 day week.

KRO · Mar 10, 2020

Hanspree said:
Cheers for the reply's.
Things are going well and we've got through a lot, me and wife get on well and work well together but things starting to get to her now as she can see i'm getting tired and fed up being tied to the farm 24hour.
We actually had a consultant come in and tell me to borrow more money put a building up and buy more cows, He soon got asked to leave as couldn't see how spending more money to create more work would help at this moment.

Have been there, done that on family dairy farm with 300 cows 2 robots +parlour. Robots were good but you are very right in saying that you end up 24 /7 waiting for the alarm. Fortunate my brother was keen on robots and I could cover him to relieve pressure - but on your own with young family would be v stressful . In the end brother left, robots went and eventually cows went . Got to say best decision ever made, we now have beef and arable with myself and ex cowman and find a bit of outside work to supplement. Life is so much less stressful and more flexible, we both now have time to live outside the farm ! Point is wish I had done this many years ago when my kids were younger then I would have had time to be more of a dad and not been up at 5 rushed around to take them to rugby etc then had to rush back to feed ,milk etc then be tierd and grumpy by evening. Kids grow up quickly try not to miss that time it can’t be replaced !
we are financially no worse of , probably better and definitely better quality of life .
My kids have left home now and I can see that family time is precious , I couldn’t before as I was always “ too busy “ , turns out wife resented my time away from family all along and bottled it up - am now separated ! ! Youngest son at uni doesn’t know what he wants to do in life, but defo not farming as he tells me he’s seen what’s it’s done for me and there’s better out there. other son is now ag engineering and fabrication - farming but not farming !
Sorry to ramble and hope it doesn’t pile even more pressure on you, but your situation sounds so similar to where I was 10 years ago and I probably left decisions too late in hindsight . Talk to your wife if you can AND listen to her, she probably has a different perspective. Wish you well

Christoph1945 · Mar 10, 2020

If only we knew the real costs of farming to our long suffering farmers and were able to offer long lasting solutions.

There are safety nets to catch you in free fall; FCN, The Samaritans, and TFF to name but three. And if your fall is looking like it may be too hard there is your GP, local clergy, and a whole host of willing support agencies just waiting to hear from …………… I was going to write 'you' but I suppose that I should write 'us'. After all we are all in it together!

Hooby Farmer · Mar 10, 2020

@Hanspree An extra man even a few hours a week can make a difference. 2 years ago next month, I was working to burnout doing 100-120hours a week to build and create a two new business's as well as farming and looking after my father who has dementia. I sold my share of an estate agency, which was worth zero btw after all the effort that went into it. I hired a man, and he splits his time between welding, farming, grass cutting and general maintenance enough to cover his wages. He has made a big difference in my life he can allow me time to think, breathe and let me take time off. You have two bank accounts in life, the one with money and the emotional one. You can't constantly drain the emotional one it needs time to rebuild 15months is too long. If your head isnt right, you can't expect to make the right decisions when it counts. Man you have to take time for you and your family f**k the robots and their alarms. Pay someone who knows the kit over the odds just to be there for 2hours or 2 days. You and you're family are more important than any cows or dirt.

holwellcourtfarm · Mar 11, 2020

On MOnday night we went to see Ben Fogle on his "Tales from teh wilderness" tour. He read out a letter he had prepared for his kids should he die climbing Everest with his advice for how to appraoch their lives and one piece made me smile. I thought it might help a few here:

People will be outrageous and provocative. Try not to be outraged or provoked.

ollie989898 · Mar 11, 2020

DrWazzock said:
I am 51 and sometimes feel I haven’t started yet. Done a bit in engineering and farming but not been that successful in either. Are you still basis registered and up to date? Do you still have an interest in that area? You always seemed very knowledgeable. Could you provide a net based remote agronomy service? Work from home, just a thought.

I have not kept my BASIS membership up, in all honesty it doesn't provide the interest it once did- as I have explained in the past the niche I occupied in my job was going to disappear eventually anyway and having a career linked inextricably to sales was never going to offer the outcome I wanted taking the longer term view.

I would help anyone but you can't really do agronomy over the web.

DrWazzock · Mar 11, 2020

ollie989898 said:
I have not kept my BASIS membership up, in all honesty it doesn't provide the interest it once did- as I have explained in the past the niche I occupied in my job was going to disappear eventually anyway and having a career linked inextricably to sales was never going to offer the outcome I wanted taking the longer term view.

I would help anyone but you can't really do agronomy over the web.

Fair enough. It crossed my mind that with phone cameras and such like then remote agronomy might be possible as a home based net based business. Not linked to sales, just charging so much per acre. We can order the chems.

I have been trying to do my own agronomy with help from a discussion group backed by an agronomist. Lots of meetings etc and masses of trials data, all very interesting but I am overloaded with info to be honest and have enough to do without sifting through it all. Anyway I shall probably have to go back to a local independent. You have moved on from it. I understand that now.

onthehoof · Mar 13, 2020

ollie989898 said:
I have not kept my BASIS membership up, in all honesty it doesn't provide the interest it once did- as I have explained in the past the niche I occupied in my job was going to disappear eventually anyway and having a career linked inextricably to sales was never going to offer the outcome I wanted taking the longer term view.

I would help anyone but you can't really do agronomy over the web.

Of interest?? Maybe a bit too far away?

Christoph1945 · Mar 13, 2020

Loved Cambridge; much preferred it to Oxford and even slept over in Girton Ladies College once and yes I did 'sleep'!

Spent many a happy hour in the book shops there and even managed to pick up a free holiday for me, the wife, and the kids.

onthehoof · Mar 13, 2020

Christoph1945 said:
Loved Cambridge; much preferred it to Oxford and even slept over in Girton Ladies College once and yes I did 'sleep'!

Spent many a happy hour in the book shops there and even managed to pick up a free holiday for me, the wife, and the kids.

Me too there’s nothing better than a trip along ‘the Backs’ on a summers day, stunning architecture, people picnicking, punts on the river, it has a nicer ‘feel’ to it than any other city I have been to.

Christoph1945 · Mar 13, 2020

And Even Song at King's was breath taking! Bloody cold in winter when that east wind came in off the fens though.

Never got to see that famous big hound that was supposed to haunt that are but did eventually have a 'Black Dog' all of my own!

Much better days now though!

lazy farmer · Mar 13, 2020

This is going to sound trivial it’s not meant to.
There is so much crap going on mostly out of our control whether the weather viruses or just general carp that it can seem overwhelming.
However tonight I thought feck it and found my favourite dance tunes from my twenties and played them loud I feel so much better For a good dance.

Jameshenry · Mar 13, 2020

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lazy farmer said:
This is going to sound trivial it’s not meant to.
There is so much crap going on mostly out of our control whether the weather viruses or just general carp that it can seem overwhelming.
However tonight I thought feck it and found my favourite dance tunes from my twenties and played them loud I feel so much better For a good dance.

Yeah why not, i sometimes feel we are dealing with too much news/information on a daily basis, none of it we can really change ! We should all probably throw our televisions out and turn our phones off ....life would be much less stressful

dt995 · Mar 13, 2020

Jameshenry said:
We should all probably throw our televisions out and turn our phones off ....life would be much less stressful

Relevant comic: https://www.smbc-comics.com/comic/solution

Jameshenry · Mar 16, 2020

I was thinking to myself today, we never know when we have life good do we !
these next few months are going to be tough on each and every one of us, if i'm honest my mind hasn't been too good this last couple weeks, elderly parents here now in isolation for the foreseable future, lambing starting in a few weeks with no grass about, planning permission gone in for a new shed that is supposed to be going up early summer, i'm struggling tbh

Greenbeast · Mar 16, 2020

Jameshenry said:
I was thinking to myself today, we never know when we have life good do we !
these next few months are going to be tough on each and every one of us, if i'm honest my mind hasn't been too good this last couple weeks, elderly parents here now in isolation for the foreseable future, lambing starting in a few weeks with no grass about, planning permission gone in for a new shed that is supposed to be going up early summer, i'm struggling tbh

Yeah it's not going to be great, we've literally just launched a new business last week, don't know how it will survive. Farm is on it's knees already, i was begging for pig food today

Weasel · Mar 16, 2020

Greenbeast said:
Yeah it's not going to be great, we've literally just launched a new business last week, don't know how it will survive. Farm is on it's knees already, i was begging for pig food today

Whats the new business?

Bury the Trash · Mar 16, 2020

Jameshenry said:
I was thinking to myself today, we never know when we have life good do we !
these next few months are going to be tough on each and every one of us, if i'm honest my mind hasn't been too good this last couple weeks, elderly parents here now in isolation for the foreseable future, lambing starting in a few weeks with no grass about, planning permission gone in for a new shed that is supposed to be going up early summer, i'm struggling tbh

Think like It will be better again one day, eventually, and well, the only thing to do really, is to "take one day at a time " .......as Fil. used to say.

Christoph1945 · Mar 16, 2020

Greenbeast said:
Yeah it's not going to be great, we've literally just launched a new business last week, don't know how it will survive. Farm is on it's knees already, i was begging for pig food today

Did you eventually get any pig food?

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