Dealing with depression - suicidal thoughts - Join the conversation (including helpline details)

Kiwi Pete

Member
Livestock Farmer
That's everyone, really isn't it? From the ones who's child is happily playing or sleeping peacefully, to the ones who's child is locked behind a wall of "stuff" so they can't get to it or don't need to consider it through to ones who's child is hiding under the chair, their teddy having been beaten up or stolen, wondering what's coming to hurt them next.

Good one @Kiwi Pete .
I am still a scared little boy; just with 40 years of bouncing forward from mistakes to help give me the confidence to do it again next time.

I can't afford to play my life too safe, because you learn nothing if you do it that way....other than you don't have much confidence, a particularly paralysing thing to feel or internalise.

I procrastinate even when it comes to comfortable stuff - don't want a shower, then don't want to get out!!
Don't want to go to bed, then don't want to get out!!

It seems like my "child" isn't far below the surface, I sometimes need to ask myself a question to turn my "adult" on.
 

Kiwi Pete

Member
Livestock Farmer
Its the letting go and forgetting that I have a problem with, so much so that we have a home we built ourselves and both love, but there is a 'for sale' sign on the gate in the hope that if we move maybe then we, mainly me, can then forget and move on.
Here's hoping 🤞
Remember your time on this earth is like a river, always going to new places and never thinking too hard about where it started.
 
Sometimes, memories recovered and spoken of can be very liberating.

I spent a number of years needing the light at night. I would wake in the dark and need the light, the light, the light! Terror would be creeping into my mind until I managed to turn on the light and chase away the fear that was lurking in the dark, in the dark. Strange for a grown man, yes!

And then, one day, I recalled an incident as a child and told the wife about it. I was about eight years old and all the kids in my class had been talking about ghosts and lunatics and how lunatics could do the strangest of things. At the time the mother of a friend had said that he and his sister were to have noting to do with me because my father was a lunatic.

Following all the chatter at school I woke one night, in the dark (with no light switch) to the sound of shuffling feet on our uncarpeted staircase slowly moving upwards towards our room; perhaps a ghost, or a lunatic? As the catch rattled on our bedroom door I pulled the bedsheet over my head to hide from this thing that moved to the side of the bed and stood along side of me. For an eternity I breathed as low and slowly as I could, despite my pounding heart and the terror within my mind. Perhaps it was just mum checking that we were all asleep and I thought that I had forgotten it, until it resurfaced in my memory and I told the wife about the event. After my telling of that night's event my need for the light upon waking up in the dark vanished.

As an aside; folk who sleep with their heads under the bedclothes tend to suffer vivid dreams, brought on by a higher carbon-dioxide content in the air that they are breathing in.
 
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Its the letting go and forgetting that I have a problem with, so much so that we have a home we built ourselves and both love, but there is a 'for sale' sign on the gate in the hope that if we move maybe then we, mainly me, can then forget and move on.

Is that a realistic expectation? Will you be able to box up the pain? If you do, do you think you'll be able to keep it boxed up to be able to deal with it when you suddenly find it in your mind palace one day?

You might benefit from a bit of help getting the sir our of it and vacuum packing it so it doesn't have the oxygen to feed it and takes up much less space. Then you might be able to pack it away and stay in the house you love.

Just a very tortuous analogy there to say - moving - super stressful even if you want to do it. Sorry.
 

Kiwi Pete

Member
Livestock Farmer
Sometimes, memories recovered and spoken of can be very liberating.

I spent a number of years needing the light at night. I would wake in the dark and need the light, the light, the light! Terror would be creeping into my mind until I managed to turn on the light and chase away the fear that was lurking in the dark, in the dark. Strange for a grown man, yes!

And then, one day, I recalled an incident as a child and told the wife about it. I was about eight years old and all the kids in my class had been talking about ghosts and lunatics and how lunatics could do the strangest of things. At the time the mother of a friend had said that he and his sister were to have noting to do with me because my father was a lunatic.

Following all the chatter at school I woke one night, in the dark (with no light switch) to the sound of shuffling feet on our uncarpeted staircase slowly moving upwards towards our room; perhaps a ghost, or a lunatic? As the catch rattled on our bedroom door I pulled the bedsheet over my head to hide from this thing that moved to the side of the bed and stood along side of me. For an eternity I breathed as low and slowly as I could, despite my pounding heart and the terror within my mind. Perhaps it was just mum checking that we were all asleep and I thought that I had forgotten it, until it resurfaced in my memory and I told the wife about the event. After my telling of that night's event my need for the light upon waking up in the dark.

As an aside; folk who sleep with their heads under the bedclothes tend to suffer vivid dreams, brought on by a higher carbon-dioxide content in the air that they are breathing in.
Maybe that's my problem 😅 I sleep with a lunatic, even when I sleep alone 😅😅
 

Alwaysinit

Member
Arable Farmer
Sometimes, memories recovered and spoken of can be very liberating.

I spent a number of years needing the light at night. I would wake in the dark and need the light, the light, the light! Terror would be creeping into my mind until I managed to turn on the light and chase away the fear that was lurking in the dark, in the dark. Strange for a grown man, yes!

And then, one day, I recalled an incident as a child and told the wife about it. I was about eight years old and all the kids in my class had been talking about ghosts and lunatics and how lunatics could do the strangest of things. At the time the mother of a friend had said that he and his sister were to have noting to do with me because my father was a lunatic.

Following all the chatter at school I woke one night, in the dark (with no light switch) to the sound of shuffling feet on our uncarpeted staircase slowly moving upwards towards our room; perhaps a ghost, or a lunatic? As the catch rattled on our bedroom door I pulled the bedsheet over my head to hide from this thing that moved to the side of the bed and stood along side of me. For an eternity I breathed as low and slowly as I could, despite my pounding heart and the terror within my mind. Perhaps it was just mum checking that we were all asleep and I thought that I had forgotten it, until it resurfaced in my memory and I told the wife about the event. After my telling of that night's event my need for the light upon waking up in the dark.

As an aside; folk who sleep with their heads under the bedclothes tend to suffer vivid dreams, brought on by a higher carbon-dioxide content in the air that they are breathing in.

I find this type of post a real eye opener to what some people "have to" go through, through no fault of their own.
 
I find this type of post a real eye opener to what some people "have to" go through, through no fault of their own.

Even if you do something really, really awful you don't actually deserve to be treated like sh1t and drummed down into mental illness. I'm no believer but religious texts often gave some useful life rules along side the other stuff. I'm a firm believer in hate the sin, love the sinner. Not that that is always easy.

Before anyone starts talking about serial killers or similar (although that probably wouldn't happen on this thread) treating pychopaths and sociopaths like sh1t only diminishes the people who do it. That doesn't mean I don't think they should be integrated into society. Oh dear this is getting heavy.

I'm glad the thread us helping you @Alwaysinit .
 

Alwaysinit

Member
Arable Farmer
Is that a realistic expectation? Will you be able to box up the pain? If you do, do you think you'll be able to keep it boxed up to be able to deal with it when you suddenly find it in your mind palace one day?

You might benefit from a bit of help getting the sir our of it and vacuum packing it so it doesn't have the oxygen to feed it and takes up much less space. Then you might be able to pack it away and stay in the house you love.

Just a very tortuous analogy there to say - moving - super stressful even if you want to do it. Sorry.
I totally understand where you are coming from and my wife and myself have talked about it, and decided on going down this route.
At the minute we step out our front door and bam, we are in the middle of it, surrounded by the people who have given us 18 yrs of sh!t, and want to continue with it.
I dont want to go into too much detail in the off chance someone will catch on who I am.
Im not 40 just yet, so I hope I have age on my side.
It will be bloody stressful but we hope the ending will be worth it.
 
I totally understand where you are coming from and my wife and myself have talked about it, and decided on going down this route.
At the minute we step out our front door and bam, we are in the middle of it, surrounded by the people who have given us 18 yrs of sh!t, and want to continue with it.
I dont want to go into too much detail in the off chance someone will catch on who I am.
Im not 40 just yet, so I hope I have age on my side.
It will be bloody stressful but we hope the ending will be worth it.

🤗 🤗🤗🤗🤗 (these, apparently are hugs)

We really need the I care thing like on FB.

It's brilliant you and your wife are working together on this. Sorry many people stop communicating with the people closest to them.

Please keep popping in to say hi and tell us how things are. The offer of message chats is there, certainly from me.

I think I can reassure you that we are all discrete on here but it is scarey how some people latch on to "gossip and rumour" in our rural world.

Pob lwc/good luck.

Forty! Man you are a child (and not just the one in @Kiwi Pete 's picture! Best is yet to come, honest.
 

teslacoils

Member
Arable Farmer
Location
Lincolnshire
How do you grow and move on?
I spend alot of my day consumed with bitterness/hatred as to how i have been treated instead of thinking ahead and progressing. I know it holds me back but I dont see how to not think about it.
I dont think I have ever suffered from depression but I do know if it wasnt for my wife and kids it would be a completely different story.

As Mrs teslacoils doesn't read this, I might add that you never really move on. She was bullied at school from aged about ten; all through secondary school; and for a while also in work. She has very poor memories of school, and finds aspects of making friends difficult. She is highly efficient and organised, as well as optimistic and determined.

Infact she is the opposite to me. I'm very good with people, hopelessly pessimistic, and a known leaver of things until the last possible minute.

We compliment each other well I think. But while we have grown together, neither of us has really moved on that far from how we were in our mid teens.
 

Kiwi Pete

Member
Livestock Farmer
I haven't moved on. I chinned a couple of school bullies and they moved on, but I don't think I have.

I can still remember how it felt, infact I can still remember what I smelt. So that isn't really a good sign we can move on at will

😬

However you do learn what they'd call "coping mechanisms", usually they turn into habits so you don't even need to admit that they're ways of coping. A big one of mine is TFF because I like being around other people but don't like being around people.

I don't feel like I can hurt people from this far away, because the main thing coping mechanisms don't do is help you shift away from feelings of guilt, feelings that you hurt those around you.

I really struggle to move away from those feelings of self-loathing. But I give it a crack every damn day
 
From DPJ today. Sorry for the fact that it's not the whole post - working from my phone.

The translation is


You are enough

Screenshot_20201014-103235.png
 
I haven't moved on. I chinned a couple of school bullies and they moved on, but I don't think I have.

I can still remember how it felt, infact I can still remember what I smelt. So that isn't really a good sign we can move on at will

😬

However you do learn what they'd call "coping mechanisms", usually they turn into habits so you don't even need to admit that they're ways of coping. A big one of mine is TFF because I like being around other people but don't like being around people.

I don't feel like I can hurt people from this far away, because the main thing coping mechanisms don't do is help you shift away from feelings of guilt, feelings that you hurt those around you.

I really struggle to move away from those feelings of self-loathing. But I give it a crack every damn day

🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗
 

teslacoils

Member
Arable Farmer
Location
Lincolnshire
My child bites his nails. I did too. That took about five years to stop. Changing ingrained ways of coping with stuff is simply not a quick thing to do and, as far as I can see, needs identifying in children as soon as possible and sorting.

A sense of whimsey, optimism, and appreciation of a simpler life are what I hope mine learn. But they won't get them all from me.
 

SFI - What % were you taking out of production?

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    Votes: 80 42.3%
  • Up to 25%

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  • 25-50%

    Votes: 30 15.9%
  • 50-75%

    Votes: 3 1.6%
  • 75-100%

    Votes: 3 1.6%
  • 100% I’ve had enough of farming!

    Votes: 7 3.7%

Red Tractor drops launch of green farming scheme amid anger from farmers

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As reported in Independent


quote: “Red Tractor has confirmed it is dropping plans to launch its green farming assurance standard in April“

read the TFF thread here: https://thefarmingforum.co.uk/index.php?threads/gfc-was-to-go-ahead-now-not-going-ahead.405234/
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