11 yr old lad new school few friends - is there any hope?

[tr250]

I’m maybe a bit sheltered, would rather he had real friends he than online friends. *

*says man in conversation with strangers online.

My kids are on there all the time but they play with their mates from school. I think you’ll learn more about the bullying if you quietly listen to these games than you will any other way as the other kids won’t know your listening and let their guard down

 

[tr250]

My youngest girl had problems with bullying at school from boys. Not physical but name calling and not letting her join in. She’s a heavy set kid too and tall so doesn’t fit with the skinny bitchy kids. Boys made her cry one day and older sister ran to her defence and floored the ring leader. He lost all his coolness being punched out by a 9 year old girl smaller than him. She found new confidence to make friends without the threat of being bullied hanging over her head. The yfc took me from being a quiet shy kid living in my own world on my own. Took little time to fit in with other farm kids with common interest. My secondary school was 800 kids and I was the only one from a farm. Even if yfc starts at ten they may let him join or attend early with a word in the right ear.

I was the same with Yfc I also thought I went to school with 1000 other non farmers turns out there were a lot more of us than I thought but didn’t know them at that point.

 

[Jimfandango]

Music seems like a good plan. Or drama for that matter. I never did either but was always very jealous of the crowd that did. Especially with drama, it gave the lads that did it a huge amount of female friends which could serve him and his confidence very well in his teen years. They always seemed like a much more inclusive bunch.

 

[ollie989898]

It's a situation I'd despair of. Thankfully our two don't seem to suffer with any of this..

The only way I can see out of it is for the kid to invite a few of his closer friends over for a farm weekend and have a big bonfire (get them all a slasher and they can help hedging or clearing scrub ), cook marshmallows, play quadbikes and shoot air rifles or go ratting/ferreting and stuff. A lot of what farming families take for granted are utterly alien to urban folk. The thought occurred to me the other day how many 5 year olds know about chainsaws and how to put the chain on and where the fuel and oil go, my boy is all over something the moment he sees a spanner.

The only downside of this is that it will require time through supervision.

 

[MRT]

It's a situation I'd despair of. Thankfully our two don't seem to suffer with any of this..

The only way I can see out of it is for the kid to invite a few of his closer friends over for a farm weekend and have a big bonfire (get them all a slasher and they can help hedging or clearing scrub ), cook marshmallows, play quadbikes and shoot air rifles or go ratting/ferreting and stuff. A lot of what farming families take for granted are utterly alien to urban folk. The thought occurred to me the other day how many 5 year olds know about chainsaws and how to put the chain on and where the fuel and oil go, my boy is all over something the moment he sees a spanner.

The only downside of this is that it will require time through supervision.

Bikes, guns, fire, slasher and a chainsaw - and an angry ferret, yeah, that'll sort it

 

[ollie989898]

Bikes, guns, fire, slasher and a chainsaw - and an angry ferret, yeah, that'll sort it

Mad Max: Thunderdome.

 

[MRT]

Mad Max: Thunderdome.

Much like my childhood tbh

 

[Dry Rot]

I've kept out of this because as an 80 something bachelor my street cred is probably about zero!

But my brother arrived when I was 14 at a time when my parents were extremely busy so I've changed my share of nappies. I've also taught this age group for a few years. Training animals and observing animal behaviour is, however, spot on!

Simulate and set up for success. A farm visit is an excellent idea, but why not get school involved with 11yo as the chief guide/instructor? Kids delight in seeing their know-it-all elders embarrassed and some well aimed semi technical questions could do the trick. Where does milk come from? Easy! Out of the cow! But HOW? The ideal chance to introduce technical issues that an 11yo farm kid might be able to explain. So many chances to do this on a farm. Not sure about the chain saws but many city kids are terrified of large animals!

The thing is your son is on his territory and in his comfort zone. And he can succeed without trying too hard and without adults doing it all for him. At 11 - 12, they are anxious for some independence and status. It is so important that they get the chance to win on their own terms. It's not much different when training a dog or a horse.

 

[ollie989898]

I've kept out of this because as an 80 something bachelor my street cred is probably about zero!

But my brother arrived when I was 14 at a time when my parents were extremely busy so I've changed my share of nappies. I've also taught this age group for a few years. Training animals and observing animal behaviour is, however, spot on!

Simulate and set up for success. A farm visit is an excellent idea, but why not get school involved with 11yo as the chief guide/instructor? Kids delight in seeing their know-it-all elders embarrassed and some well aimed semi technical questions could do the trick. Where does milk come from? Easy! Out of the cow! But HOW? The ideal chance to introduce technical issues that an 11yo farm kid might be able to explain. So many chances to do this on a farm. Not sure about the chain saws but many city kids are terrified of large animals!

The thing is your son is on his territory and in his comfort zone. And he can succeed without trying too hard and without adults doing it all for him. At 11 - 12, they are anxious for some independence and status. It is so important that they get the chance to win on their own terms. It's not much different when training a dog or a horse.

The sad fact is that a lot of youngsters today will have not a lot of parental input because adults simply don't have the time and so many of them simply don't know how to behave because they have had very little 'training'. Our two have been completely safe to take to a restaurant for years. Quiet and relatively well behaved. Some kids you see tearing around the place and the parents do nothing. Then we wonder why they are uncontrollable at 9 years old??

 

[workin f nowt]

The sad fact is that a lot of youngster today will have not a lot of parental input because adults simply don't have the time and so many of them simply don't know how to behave because they have had very little 'training'. Our two have been completely safe to take to a restaurant for years. Quiet and relatively well behaved. Some kids you see tearing around the place and the parents do nothing. Then we wonder why they are uncontrollable at 9 years old??

Exactly as you put it. Mine were lads lads but everyone commented on how well they behaved if out for a meal. When I say meal I mean sat at a proper table with knives and forks and being served not a f in McDonald's. They also knew what no meant. Personally mind I used to think they were little sh1!s at times.

 

[Earthling]

Been a tough year on our youngest. Being semi-rural, new comp started in Sept (most of the other children went further out to faith school) Him and his brother prob only farming children in the huge school. With boys its all sweaty football and Xbox. Aggressive on the playground rude and obnoxious boys cant possibly just kick a ball around it all serious so any time he want to join in they push him off. Then what other hobbies or interests do they have? Its seems its all staring at the phone or xbox. My lil lad is into mountain biking, walking, running, swimming & food. Now that any extra circ is cancelled at school there is little room for him to even find new friends in other years as well. Even in Junior his abilities at running and cycling were not given anything like the football kids were getting accolades in assemblies etc which really wound me up. Everything is now cancelled.

I see my poor 11 yr old who has struggled with schooling as it is have no real friends. His older brother is his best friend but his brother wants to spend time with his other biking friends. This afternoon gone off on a walk on his own. When I compare it to my childhood makes mine look marvellous (even though it was more likely ok).

His father takes him in the workshop so he's not alone that much but rather see him making friends with things in common. He spends a lot of time on Instagram which imo is not good for mental health and Roblox. I cant get him to read or drawer or do anything to help him focus on improving his schooling either.

With this Covid his childhood at this stage is really sad to watch. He can walk over the fields to the outskirts of the town but then no one is out.

Not really sure why Im saying this really but its not helped by Covid. I just hope when he goes back to school next week there is hope of building new relationships with others.

When I was around that age I only have one close friend, my parents hate my close friend, they say she's lazy and will influence me to become lazy but I didn't really care, I just want to hang out with someone during lunch break. When I come back home I'll play the PlayStation 2, me and my bother are the same.

Then when I was 15 years old, I had to change school and I had to leave my close friend. In that new school I want to be alone but sometimes the younger students like to befriend me to make me their trophy friend, (not sure if it's because I was from the science class or its because they wanted to talk to those exchange students from Germany and US students from my class but didn't have the courage to do so)

I turn out fine only. Me and my brother never met our school friends or close friends after that. Life change, sometimes what happen in school will stay in school, my brother is a Doctor, I'm a industrial Designer, Chef and have my own Real Estate company and now trying corn plantation business.

 

[ladycrofter]

If they are not able to give the main bully a damned good smack on the nose and not everyone is able to do this, then mither the feck out of the teachers, headmaster and school governors.
Been there, done that. You have to be extremely determined though and tbh it would be a lot quicker and easier if you went and smacked the bully yourself.
Bullying is an issue taken very seriously these days if you know who to mither.

Don't count on any support from the school admin here - 22 yrs in the system at secondary. All they want is an easy life and will make whatever decision is easiest. Usually that means platitudes and ignoring things. I've seen a colleague physically threatened twice by our head of department and f*** all was done. Eventually he (DH) met his end when he bullied an autistic 6th year boy - twice- to tears. Unfortunately the parent was a policeman and went to the very top of the council with it the 2nd time. Headteacher was left on a shoogly peg.

Would consider it, may be easier for him to move to a primary with closer links to where he’ll go to secondary, build new relationships. His brother is fairly settled where they are though.

The farm visit suggested by others is a good idea but maybe many hoops to jump through. I'd give it a shot and keep the school move as a very real possibility. Although bound to cause logistics problems with transport?

How is he doing? Any improvement in the situation?

 

[melted welly]

Don't count on any support from the school admin here - 22 yrs in the system at secondary. All they want is an easy life and will make whatever decision is easiest. Usually that means platitudes and ignoring things. I've seen a colleague physically threatened twice by our head of department and f*** all was done. Eventually he (DH) met his end when he bullied an autistic 6th year boy - twice- to tears. Unfortunately the parent was a policeman and went to the very top of the council with it the 2nd time. Headteacher was left on a shoogly peg.

The farm visit suggested by others is a good idea but maybe many hoops to jump through. I'd give it a shot and keep the school move as a very real possibility. Although bound to cause logistics problems with transport?

How is he doing? Any improvement in the situation?

He’s doing better thanks, we’ve been having a few meetings with teachers to make sure we‘re singing from the same sheet. The major issue for them is that the class has only got 7 boys in it, 5 of whom (of which our lad is one) are high maintenance for various reasons. So it’s a pretty small pond and it would appear that the poor girls in the class are used as buffers to the situation.

He’s been getting on better with the other boys, however ( as I said would happen at one meeting) the focus seems to have now moved to another boy who is quite autistic and has been missing days because of the attention. We’d been under the impression that the more vocal of the cohort were the instigators of the bullying, but wife is friendly with the parents of the boy who’s missing days and he is of the opinion it’s a quieter boy who instigates and the louder ones join in. All very complicated.