controlling relationships

Location
Wales
I thought it was time this was posted here..... For anyone who's been here I hope you have gotten through well and have gone on to find someone better and more deserving than previous. I merely mention this because I was listening to a repeat of (yesterdays I think it was) IPM. It was talking about controlling relationships. I got so many painful and upsetting flashbacks of myself last year, how much I have grown up since then. To what I was put through I would not wish on anyone, I am thankful that for me it was an online relationship and not irl, Ik seems rather shallow to have a long distance one online, but I was lonely and vulnerable at the time and he was there when I needed someone in my life. I met him through one of my brothers. Since we fought and fell out, which did me a whole pile of good I will admit, because only then could I pull myself out of what was slowly taking over me. I felt free and I will admit I had a lot of support from a few of you guys on here for which I will be always grateful :) Without the support I would possibly have done a lot of self harm to myself, which would have been truly dreadful. Alas he has found his way back into my life, but I hardly have any contact with him now and those feelings I once had for him are long dead and buried, I cannot and will not see him like I once saw him, to me he is something dead from the past who is just there and will always be there. Main thing is I am better. Thought I would share this with you guys. If anyone has been or is in this kind of relationship then there are organisations which can help you, also do not be afraid of talking to close ones about it, they will be able to help you, other people alike will also be able to give assistance too. Do not despair you are not alone, you're special and if people do not think you are then that's their problem.
All the best guys and stay safe :)(y)
 
Location
Wales
Thank you for sharing. I'm sure that wasn't easy, but glad you did.
Thanks.
No it wasn't easy it was one of the worst things ever to happen really. You only know someone is that controlling when you're out of it. The thing that ticked me off really was my mother, she started to put her foot down on how much time we spent together, she knew what he was up to and she didn't like it. Then it all came out when he was in mood, he had, had a bad day and it just all came out and I was frankly upset and shocked. He is back in my life now, although I talk to him a lot we are just friends really, he is nothing but lovely towards me. I won't ever trust him like I did tho and I can never truly forgive him tbh, even tho I have tried desperately hard to do so. Part of my heart has gone back, I feel complete in some ways. Now that he's there I'm not letting him go again... But at the same time we are just friends, nothing more. This is why I'm not starting up any relationships for a long while, because ATM my head's not in a good place, nor my heart. I have this block there which can't let me, physically won't, love anybody. I just lost all my trust in humans, he did that, and although I've been trying as hard as I can to mend it, it won't mend. I guess I need to wait a few years before trying again... :(
 

Kel

Member
Location
U.S.
Thanks.
No it wasn't easy it was one of the worst things ever to happen really. You only know someone is that controlling when you're out of it. The thing that ticked me off really was my mother, she started to put her foot down on how much time we spent together, she knew what he was up to and she didn't like it. Then it all came out when he was in mood, he had, had a bad day and it just all came out and I was frankly upset and shocked. He is back in my life now, although I talk to him a lot we are just friends really, he is nothing but lovely towards me. I won't ever trust him like I did tho and I can never truly forgive him tbh, even tho I have tried desperately hard to do so. Part of my heart has gone back, I feel complete in some ways. Now that he's there I'm not letting him go again... But at the same time we are just friends, nothing more. This is why I'm not starting up any relationships for a long while, because ATM my head's not in a good place, nor my heart. I have this block there which can't let me, physically won't, love anybody. I just lost all my trust in humans, he did that, and although I've been trying as hard as I can to mend it, it won't mend. I guess I need to wait a few years before trying again... :(
Oh lady, this is not good. Not good at all. I totally get where you are at, but your heart won't mend as long as he is in the picture. As much as you will feel a hole, you need to let your heart mend without him. And it will. No matter how broken you think you are, you will look back and think "wow, that's rubbish."

Of course he's nothing but lovely now--that's what that kind do until they can get more control. Don't trust him at all.

The fact that you state you are not letting him go again means he still has influence over your heart and mind. Please please be careful.

I don't know you well so this may be more extreme than what that guy is displaying but please read:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/toxic-relationships/201704/forms-emotional-and-verbal-abuse-you-may-be-overlooking
 
Location
Wales
Not at all sure what to make of your posts @waterbuffalofarmer , you talk about an online relationship only, then say you are back with this person and talk about him having a bad day?
I'm sorry to say this but do you need some professional help?
Thank you for your concern, but I'm ok :) I'm fine, really. I don't need professional help, I'm not letting him do what he did to me at all. I'm out of what I felt for him, if anything we talk like we always used to, before the crap started. If it starts again I will know and will get rid. I am wisened to him and his ways now and am always listening out. I'll be fine. Until ik why he wanted me back I will be very wary of him :) don't worry bout me.
 
Location
Wales
Oh lady, this is not good. Not good at all. I totally get where you are at, but your heart won't mend as long as he is in the picture. As much as you will feel a hole, you need to let your heart mend without him. And it will. No matter how broken you think you are, you will look back and think "wow, that's rubbish."

Of course he's nothing but lovely now--that's what that kind do until they can get more control. Don't trust him at all.

The fact that you state you are not letting him go again means he still has influence over your heart and mind. Please please be careful.

I don't know you well so this may be more extreme than what that guy is displaying but please read:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/toxic-relationships/201704/forms-emotional-and-verbal-abuse-you-may-be-overlooking
Thanks for that :) don't worry I won't trust him, I can't trust him tbh. I'm listening out all the time to everything he says. Tbh he was a better friend than anything else. Until I figure out why he came back I will tread very carefully. Ik how he works like the back of my hand, I will not be taken in again, partly because I don't feel anything for him anymore :)
 
Thank you for your concern, but I'm ok :) I'm fine, really. I don't need professional help, I'm not letting him do what he did to me at all. I'm out of what I felt for him, if anything we talk like we always used to, before the crap started. If it starts again I will know and will get rid. I am wisened to him and his ways now and am always listening out. I'll be fine. Until ik why he wanted me back I will be very wary of him :) don't worry bout me.
It's none of my business but get a new friend and use the off button.
 
Location
Wales
Not at all sure what to make of your posts @waterbuffalofarmer , you talk about an online relationship only, then say you are back with this person and talk about him having a bad day?
I'm sorry to say this but do you need some professional help?
When I said about the bad day... That was way back last year tbh. When we fought and i found out what he was really like. Sorry if I didn't make that clear.
 

Alicecow

Member
Location
Connacht
Thank you for your concern, but I'm ok :) I'm fine, really. I don't need professional help, I'm not letting him do what he did to me at all. I'm out of what I felt for him, if anything we talk like we always used to, before the crap started. If it starts again I will know and will get rid. I am wisened to him and his ways now and am always listening out. I'll be fine. Until ik why he wanted me back I will be very wary of him :) don't worry bout me.
Sorry @waterbuffalofarmer but someone like that only wants the person back so that they themselves can continue from where they left off. Never, ever trust him. Make sure you take a long time to reply each time he contacts you. Make it clear that he is a tiny and insignificant part of your life. Don't share personal or emotionally intimate details with him as that can so verrrry easily become a way he can exert power over you. Someone like that is a cross between a cat and a snake.
Be very very careful. (y)
 
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Location
Wales
Sorry @waterbuffalofarmer but someone like that only wants the person back so that they themselves can continue from where they left off. Never, ever trust him. Make sure you take a long time to reply each time he contacts you. Make it clear that he is a tiny and insignificant part of your life. Don't share personal or emotionally intimate details with him as that can so verrrry easily become a say he can exert power over you. Someone like that is a cross between a cat and a snake.
Be very very careful. (y)
Thanks for that, I appreciate the advice. Ik why he wants me back now and it isn't, I'm sure, for any reason romantically or so forth. That ship sailed a long time ago :)
 
Location
Wales
You were all so right, I should have listened tbh... We finally had a heart to heart talk about what went on last year why we split up as friends, he confessed, after me cause I had to explain why i came away, that he is in love with me, deeply. We've spoken for the past 2 hrs and hes gone into a meltdown, emotional and mental. Me and his friend where trying to calm him down a bit, I think hes calmer now, but hes going to the dark side of his mindset and I was really fearful for him. I'm leaving him and his friend to talk things over now. I think it was a mistake letting him back in, I think Ive seriously hurt him now, I'm hoping he'll be a man about this. He admitted he came back because he was weak. He said he would have killed the galaxy to have me. yeah.... I said the balls in his court whether he wants to remain friends or be completely not talking. Either way am cool with whatever he decides. I've realised it helped to let him back into my life as it has allowed me to move on from being the stupid girl I was last year, to be mature and grown up. Tbh I wish so much I had never laid eyes or ears on him. The only good thing out of this is his friend being my friend, he is lovely and doesn't judge, he sees this as being mine and the guys business and not his. I think it may be necessary to cut off all contact now, but am fearful he'll do somit really bad to himself.... Undecided. But I think I may just have to take that chance and leave him well alone!
 
Location
Wales
Definitely wean away from him. Whether you do it in one go or over a few weeks is up to you, but he will revert to type before long.
Yes I will indeed do that. I don't feel anything for him any more except for anger and hatred, although that's never good either. Ik for a fact last night he did some self harm, but not horrific self harm and he's ok I think. This time I'm going to cut him out of my life, for good! It'll be better for him if I do that.
 
Location
Wales
Well just to let you know everything is over I have completely blocked every single shred of him! He got possessive and threatened murder on anyone who got with me, within his reach. Just thankful we are hundreds of miles apart. Felt shaky after, I really let him have it, within reason ofc. I said he tries anything and I'll call the police.
 

Sharon29

Member
Location
Highlands
Well just to let you know everything is over I have completely blocked every single shred of him! He got possessive and threatened murder on anyone who got with me, within his reach. Just thankful we are hundreds of miles apart. Felt shaky after, I really let him have it, within reason ofc. I said he tries anything and I'll call the police.
Hope you are ok. Scary stuff.
 
Location
Wales
Well you need to think about and look after yourself now. :)
Yeah I guess I do tbh. Some part of me deep down still loves him tho and is in pain cause of what he's going through. That'll never change tbh, I'll always love and care about him, love never dies... But it's time to move on, onwards and upwards. Get my life back on track
 

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