Dealing with depression - suicidal thoughts - Join the conversation (including helpline details)

[primmiemoo]

I suspect that grieving may be easier (easier? more easily achieved) when a loved one leaves us suddenly, it's the understandable shock and the 'if-onlys'. When we're aware or we have notice, then we start to grieve at the outset of the news and whilst the loved one is with us - - whether this is a good thing, or not, I'm not sure.
[/USER]

May I very gently beg to differ, please?, because it isn't as easy as that. Wish very much that it were, and I understand why people like to reason that way, but it isn't.

Even though I "knew" that my Dad's days were numbered (terminal illness means just that) I didn't expect him to die when he did. It was as great a shock as any other death of a loved one without notice has been since.
Mum was hit even more, as might be imagined. She never fully recovered from it.

It won't be long before I'm half a decade older than he was when he died, which is something that's hard to describe in words.

 

[Texel Tup]

@primmiemoo I apologise, perhaps my thoughts came out as a rather sweeping statement, they were really only intended as a generalisation, and in such discussions, that's really all that we can do, there being so many avenues for us to explore.

 

[primmiemoo]

@primmiemoo I apologise, perhaps my thoughts came out as a rather sweeping statement, they were really only intended as a generalisation, and in such discussions, that's really all that we can do, there being so many avenues for us to explore.

Don't worry, @Texel Tup , you're right, and I should have taken that as read.,

I'm slightly oversensitive atm. It will pass.

 

[Greenbeast]

Having intermittent tough times with my OH, i've made good progress with myself but now my stoicism (it's a good enough label for where i'm working towards and embodies many of the thoughts of this thread lately) is clashing with her.
I feel like she's defensively inferring things that i have said with openness. In one specific case i suggested a good book on helping young children learn and 'be' with their emotions and she somehow took from that, that a) i had read one book and assumed it to be the gospel on the subject and b) i was suggesting she was 'sub-standard'.
She accused me of not taking responsibility for my actions today, i said i'm trying but it takes time and she said 'you're an adult not a teenager, don't try, do.'
I managed to laugh that off (this was a conversation over text, so not to her face) but this is what i'm up against.

 

[Lili]

Having intermittent tough times with my OH, i've made good progress with myself but now my stoicism (it's a good enough label for where i'm working towards and embodies many of the thoughts of this thread lately) is clashing with her.
I feel like she's defensively inferring things that i have said with openness. In one specific case i suggested a good book on helping young children learn and 'be' with their emotions and she somehow took from that, that a) i had read one book and assumed it to be the gospel on the subject and b) i was suggesting she was 'sub-standard'.
She accused me of not taking responsibility for my actions today, i said i'm trying but it takes time and she said 'you're an adult not a teenager, don't try, do.'
I managed to laugh that off (this was a conversation over text, so not to her face) but this is what i'm up against.

From a female perspective - first babies bring great joy. They can also make you very tired and stressed. It's a totally new experience so confidence goes out of the window 'Am I a good parent?' 'Am I looking after my baby properly?' 'My baby is crying/won't sleep/ won't feed properly/etc - it must be my fault' Try to support her and enjoy your baby - they grow up so quickly. Best wishes.

 

[Greenbeast]

From a female perspective - first babies bring great joy. They can also make you very tired and stressed. It's a totally new experience so confidence goes out of the window 'Am I a good parent?' 'Am I looking after my baby properly?' 'My baby is crying/won't sleep/ won't feed properly/etc - it must be my fault' Try to support her and enjoy your baby - they grow up so quickly. Best wishes.

Thanks, yes this is a new mother who hasn't had a proper night's sleep in 18 months. I cannot completely understand what that must be like, unfortunately.

 

[Christoph1945]

Greenbeast,

difficult, to say the least, but don't be tempted to throw the towel in just yet. You may find that progress comes when your wife sees the changes taking place in you and when she asks how you did it you can just off-handedly say that book helped you a lot.

If you use YouTube at-all you will find stuff on there from TED-X who produce inspirational lectures, many given by famous people who have faced and overcome similar problems that we our selves have struggled with.

Take a peek at TED-X and let us know what you think.

Chris

 

[Greenbeast]

Greenbeast,

difficult, to say the least, but don't be tempted to throw the towel in just yet. You may find that progress comes when your wife sees the changes taking place in you and when she asks how you did it you can just off-handedly say that book helped you a lot.

If you use YouTube at-all you will find stuff on there from TED-X who produce inspirational lectures, many given by famous people who have faced and overcome similar problems that we our selves have struggled with.

Take a peek at TED-X and let us know what you think.

Chris

Thank you, incidentally i have a two saved lists on YT, one for TEDx to watch later and one of good vids in my 'Mental Health' list. Fantastic resource

 

[Elpresidente]

Normal? Not sure there is such a thing. Not in my world anyway. My grandad died in July. I didn't go and see him in his last few weeks as it scared me too much. I also didn't cry when he died. As ugly as it sounds, his passing didn't bother me at all. Helping my mum through it was the hardest part for me. Shed a couple tears(literally) at his funeral and got a bolt out of the blue when I went to nanas loo and realised grandad was no longer in his bedroom. Aside from that...... I feel and felt nothing. Is that normal?? Who knows, maybe our mental capacity is different to others so we don't just react the same, I'm not sure. I do know I felt guilty for not feeling sad, but I think we are sad for our own benefit. I personally think we mourn for ouselves that are left behind to pick up the pieces. Could be completely wrong, but anyway, waterbuffalofarmer..... You are perfectly normal. Just everyone else that isn't.

I always used to say ; I'm as normal as normal can be, not my fault you're not as normal as me!!!!!!!!!!!

I spent 3 years watching my father endure a living hell of ailments which would make a list as long as your arm. How he lasted as long as he did is beyond understanding. In the end I hated seeing him in the nursing home crying continuously wanting to die but it wasn't happening. My visits turned from weekly to fortnightly to monthly. Then one beautiful summers day I was round baling some second cut and out of the blue my mother calls to say he's passed away peacefully. After dealing with funeral arrangements and the funeral itself which I dreaded because I hate large public gatherings I experienced an almost euphoric sense of relief and happiness that he had been released from incredible suffering. He'd finally had his wish to die. He had a strong Christian faith and was now at rest with his Maker in heaven. He died in 2013 and to this day I have not experienced any grief relating to his death although I still feel that it's wrong for a human being to have to endure such misery and suffering when animals. So @waterbuffalofarmer please don't feel guilty about feeling happy it's not wrong we're all different.

 

[waterbuffalofarmer]

Really struggling tonight.... :'( been crying non stop for past hr. It's her funeral tomoz, me and my oldest brother are having to manage farm as my younger brother wanted to go to funeral. I'm still trying to believe she's gone but I can't believe it. It really hurts. On top of which I have a friend who's avoiding me and ignoring everything I say. Past few days we have been down with bad colds and couldn't do much but bare minimum of jobs then. Now we are better mum's gone off up North with my other brothers and dad and I'm just feeling so alone and it feels horrible. I just about managed to do bare minimum of jobs today, but I feel like I can't really do even that right now. Ik my hormones are seriously out of sync ATM but I feel like I'm struggling to cope right now... Ik everything will be better after a nights rest but for now it just feels horrible
Sorry for the long post. I hope everyone else is doing well
On plus side I made this for the family who are going to be there...

 

[Greenbeast]

Hang in there. It will pass.
The farm will cope with bare minimum for a bit.

 

[DrWazzock]

Never mind the farm, super cake.

 

[Juggler]

Hang in there. It will pass.
The farm will cope with bare minimum for a bit.

The above has become my mantra when things are going pear shaped, it will pass, things will get better, you will be ok...

More to the point, awesome cake @waterbuffalofarmer

 

[Dangerous Dan]

As everyone has said..... Do the barest of minimum that you need to do. Take some time for yourself. Sit and cry if that's what you need to do.

As for the cake....... Do you do shopping to Lancashire. [emoji16][emoji16][emoji16]

Edit: shipping not shopping.

 

[theboytheboy]

Hang in there. It will pass.
The farm will cope with bare minimum for a bit.

This is such an important thing to remember.

I have to remind myself of this when my mental health deteriorates.

 

[waterbuffalofarmer]

As everyone has said..... Do the barest of minimum that you need to do. Take some time for yourself. Sit and cry if that's what you need to do.

As for the cake....... Do you do shopping to Lancashire. [emoji16][emoji16][emoji16]

Thanks guys feeling better today, just think everything got on top of me last night and so I broke down. The evenings are the worst for me ATM I think once winter is over everything will be better again
This is the first cake I've made for an occasion, it could've been better but I need better equipment for that it's a good therapy is baking. I'm thinking of making it a business of my own at some point in the future. Hope everyone is doing well

 

[Karliboy]

Grand looking cake there. I’m sure it will be well accepted.

 

[waterbuffalofarmer]

Grand looking cake there. I’m sure it will be well accepted.

Thank you I hope so

 

[Bruce Almighty]

From what I have seen geriatric care is a kind of passive euthanasia. You have the option of signing a "do not resuscitate" order. You are made as comfortable as possible and you have or should have adequate pain relief. You aren't force fed but take as much or as little as you want with assistance if you need it. At 80+ with failing organs they aren't going to put you on a life support machine. With old age, several days before death, the body goes into a natural gradual shutdown.

I don't think that we need active euthanasia for the vast majority of people, but would imagine some might want it as an option in exceptionally difficult cases. Personal choice really.

Dad always used to say give him both barrels if he got in a bad way, but when he got to that stage he never once mentioned ending his life prematurely and remained optimistic to the end. He seemed to accept he was getting near to the end of the road and often used to say "well, this is it", accepting it for what it was with cheerfulness and calmness, much as he lived his life really.

Apologies for these long winded posts but I have found them a very useful way of coming to terms with what has happened. Make of them whatever you will. They aren't intended as advice or designed to seek some kind of approval. Just there for the record really.

Will leave it at that for a while. Best wishes all.

Dad died in 2012 aged 71 after nearly 6 years of severe dementure. He had carers in 3 X daily for the last 3-4 years of his life
He always used to say "If I get that bad, finish me off"
When he got ill with pneumonia near the end, "they" (district nurse ?) decided DNR was appropriate.
Of all our family, I was the only one who instantly agreed, knowing his suffering should end. But when he did die, it was me who cried first, took it the worst & had the feeling of guilt for the earlier thoughts after agreeing to DNR.
I was never particularly close to Dad, but about 3 days before he died I thanked him for all he had done for me, taught me & what I had was thanks to him. He couldn't speak but I knew he heard me.
We were all with him when he passed on at home

 

[waterbuffalofarmer]

Anxiety is a big thing for lots of people. Trust issues also can be that. Question is how can one overcome this? I'm finding, as of late, that I'm becoming really frightened of people, to the point where everything I say I put myself down in front of them because I feel like a worthless human being. I think this happened mainly, or stems mainly from, being bullied day in day out since little by my brother and then later on being emotionally abused and used by someone I loved very much. The thing is I'm fearful of everything, mostly men. I'm fearful of saying the wrong thing, I'm fearful that if I like a guy I will become like any other woman and nag and be really hormonal, I already am hormonally unstable this ik... So one minute I'm lovely the next I'm shouty and verbally abusive. I have been told countless times by this lad I was talking to tonight to stop worrying about others opinions, but I'm starting to become very afraid of him, some of the way he can be towards me. Ik a lot of people are mean and don't necessarily mean what they say, ik also I can be too, but I can't explain it I just get bad vibes all the time. Past few times I have come away in tears because of this fear, fear if I say stuff I'll be snapped at for it. I keep getting flashbacks of my last friendship I had and he reminds me of him in some ways. How can I stop being a temperamental person and stop being afraid, afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing?Ashamed of my life, being a really needy person at times. My brothers say I should stop trying so hard to please people and to prove my worth to them, but it's inbuilt and I'm trying to overcome it but it's so difficult. Has anyone else had similar issues? I just want to feel normal without crying everytime I come away from talking with people. Sorry for long post