Dealing with depression - suicidal thoughts - Join the conversation (including helpline details)

[Christoph1945]

CopperBeech,

it sounds like you are atwix a rock and a hard place and I can only imagine the financial, physical, and psychological pain that it is infliction upon you. I am pleased and grateful that you have chosen to share matters with us, rather than bottling it all up in isolation.

Perhaps you can view our membership as something of a think tank, where folk can share their troubles, ideas, and suggestions; where a moments rest can give you the opportunity to share and reflect upon your value to the rest of us. A place where you can read the signposts to recovery and progress.

As an aged, semiliterate, townie; it is somewhat amazing that I finished up on here and learned of the many troubling things that afflict our rural communities. Whilst here, I have also learned some deep and healing things about my self. The willingness and patience of the TFF community to accept me, an outsider, as a regular contributor has empowered me to find a new and different value to my life.

Stay safe, stay well, and rest with us a while

Chris

 

[Christoph1945]

I have been thinking about Copper Beech and his present predicament of, perhaps, having to live in a caravan. There are, of course, caravans and there are caravans. We once had a small four berth tourer and when I retired we bought a large static; which we kept for a number of years, before costs moved us on.

 

[Texel Tup]

@czechmate don't be daft, farmers are the true heroes here. I know I've said it before, but seriously guys, you don't know important you all are.

Our entire country is indebted to you and how do you get repaid? Rules, constricting restrictions and a never end list of moronic twit-bags who belittle and undermine one of the greatest achievements of great Britain. It's farming heritage.

In some ways, I'm glad to be out of it, yet in others I miss it more than breathing.

The ability you guys have to keep going when the public, the government and the people who sell your hard grafted products constantly belittle your achievements?

Im no hero, I'm just in a forum full of them [emoji4]

I was going to edit this quote from you, but simply couldn't decide which bits to delete. Very well said @Alternativedairy - - - -

Time for a Union of Farmers. Time we got up and did what we're actually very good at - pointing out to those who are blind and deaf the simple facts of life.

 

[Alternativedairy]

I was going to edit this quote from you, but simply couldn't decide which bits to delete. Very well said @Alternativedairy - - - -

Time for a Union of Farmers. Time we got up and did what we're actually very good at - pointing out to those who are blind and deaf the simple facts of life.

Sorry it was a long winded speech [emoji23]

It's just baffles me how you guys get constantly put down. Media, general public, government. It just seems a constant.

"farmer are to blame for climate change"

"farmers are barbaric. Shoot them and let animals run free"

"farmers are destroying the planet by forcing animals to grow and eat them"

I mean honestly, if I didn't already have mtiple tumours, the moronic twit-bags who spout this sort of bile would give me one by enforcing this bulls**t.

And worse it's being spoon fed to children at a school level. My daughter came out of school last week explaining to me the concept of vegan ism. I asked her what she thought of it. Her exact words were

"whatever floats your boat, but I like steak and ribs. If anyone tries to steal my steak i will slap'em silly"

If even the mind of a 6 year old can figure out an each to their own approach, surely the concept can be figured out by these people.

Farmers, their wealth of knowledge, and ability to promote health with good food, good practices and a regard for life in its entirety should be celebrated, cherished and provided with any amount of support.

 

[Texel Tup]

……..
Farmers, their wealth of knowledge, and ability to promote health with good food, good practices and a regard for life in its entirety should be celebrated, cherished and provided with any amount of support.

Sadly perhaps, the farming industry has prostrated itself at the EU alter. OK so we had no say in the matter, but the EU were fully aware of the effect that their less than thrifty level of largesse would have - and the CAP is NOT the way to support agriculture. All that the CAP achieves is to secure the support of our industry and we know, we ALL know that it has nothing to do with food production.

Second Hand tractor sales will be given a hike in value this time next year, because the market for new will be feeling the pinch of straightened times.

 

[Christoph1945]

Sadly, our nation has lost all sense of gratitude!

Thank you for all those early mornings, sleepless nights, late evenings, frozen and sweating hours that you all put in, and without all of you, all of us would go down the pan.

M J Ryan wrote a book titled Attitudes of Gratitude and it would perhaps do all us none farmers good to read it!

Chris

 

[som farmer]

having had an accident in 1999, month in hospital, major back surgery, few years recovering, had to sell the dairy, struggled on as you do, working more and more hours a day, went back into dairy 2007, as son wanted to, 2009 back problems, again, further surgery, ran at 60% for a few more years, then went again, ambulance to hosp, can't do any more surgery, arthritis, and scar tissue, in the spine, work wise that's it. Have a pain relief system in place, tramadol 300, amitriplenes, and keep a supply of morphine, for when it's to painful to bear. And seem to have a yearly trip to hosp, by ambulance. The hardest part is not being able to do much work, watching my son doing 80 hours a week. I came.to realise, that, with the painkillers, I was making too many mistakes, in the bookkeeping, so let that side go to my son. With the best will in the world, you start stopping ringing friends for a chat, or dropping in somewhere for chat.
But I made a decision, my glass is always 1/2 full, and I try to keep positive. I found this forum march 18, and its really good, you can put ideas, or ask for advice, on, and answers come back, I post quite a lot, some of it is a load of rubbish, some's well received, but gives a bit of lift. I must be doing something right, as a friend called in, just after my last trip to hosp 4 weeks ago , and remarked how cheerful I was, for the condition I was in - f'##ked-. And my reply was, 'if I moaned every time, you rung, called in, you would stop calling' .he thought about it, and said, 'yes, you are right'.
So, to anyone, who is a bit down, talk, if not face to face with some one, on this forum, nobody really knows who you are, and you can let off a bit of steam, have a chuckle at some ones post, and think of some thing different, if only for a short time, I don't do facebook, or twitter, but you can do the same on there. But the important bit, is talk to people, either on line, or face to face. You are not alone.

 

[Christoph1945]

Sounds like you are practicing gratitude.

 

[waterbuffalofarmer]

Hi guys.
I hope everyone is keeping better these days ? I just wanted to come on here to thank you all for the support you have given me this past year. Especially @Christoph1945 your advice and genuine caring nature really helped me through some very tough patches. You're doing an amazing job on this forum, for which I am very thankful for ?? I will say my mental health is a lot better than it has been in a bit, I've had big ups and down lows for the past few months, but overall it's much better. I go out with my mates every week or so and I have almost overcome my social anxiety. I have cut most of the toxic friends out of my life, including sadly one of my older brother's, but toxic is toxic and whether family, friend or foe... Out they go ?? work is getting a lot more again now and I'm kind of dreading it, all this winter, but ik whatever happens I'll be ok, just gotta keep plodding on. Keep your chins up people and carry on and you will get there. You can do this!
Thank you ??

 

[Kiwi Pete]

That's great to hear.

That black dog sometimes comes back around, but as you're more self aware and have confidence in your ability to get through, it doesn't linger as long or wreck you as much.

 

[Christoph1945]

I was deep in the land of dreams, when something disturbed my sleep and I decided to just stretch my legs and drop in for a moment, or two, before crashing out again for a couple of hours. I very often call in, just to see how folk are doing and perhaps pick up a little advice for my own well being and sanity.

It is good to have read your message Buffy, but I can't for the life of me decide if you are up really late, or if you (being a farming gal) are up a little early for the start of your daily round of farm chores. See how easily us farm ignorant townies get confused?

Your acceptance of my presence on TFF as given me a whole new perspective on things and I have learned a great deal about the farming life, as well as about my self.

Stay safe, stay well, and have a wonderful day, full of success and continued healing.

Chris

 

[waterbuffalofarmer]

I was deep in the land of dreams, when something disturbed my sleep and I decided to just stretch my legs and drop in for a moment, or two, before crashing out again for a couple of hours. I very often call in, just to see how folk are doing and perhaps pick up a little advice for my own well being and sanity.

It is good to have read your message Buffy, but I can't for the life of me decide if you are up really late, or if you (being a farming gal) are up a little early for the start of your daily round of farm chores. See how easily us farm ignorant townies get confused?

Your acceptance of my presence on TFF as given me a whole new perspective on things and I have learned a great deal about the farming life, as well as about my self.

Stay safe, stay well, and have a wonderful day, full of success and continued healing.

Chris

My sleep schedules a mess ?? I was up after work that's no problem, you're most welcome

 

[teslacoils]

After close two 25 years of progressively worse depression, torrid sleep, nightmares and night terrors, I decided I may as well put it to use and write a book so started a dream diary. Well bugger me if I've had two nights of actual sleep. No terror, no constant waking, no nightmares. Can't quite believe it.

 

[Christoph1945]

I find that dreams are often cryptic messages thrown out by our subconscious whilst it is sorting out all the stuff that we sometimes supress during our waking hours. For some time now I have been dreaming that I was working and was coming to the end of my shift and at 75, it doesn't take much to decipher that one; does it?

 

[teslacoils]

This was a couple of nights ago, so you get the idea.

"So, I'm walking down a corridor to my office. As I go on I notice some people far ahead. It's taking a while to get there, and the corridors getting a bit narrower. And a bit darker. And a bit darker. And a bit narrower. And there are people behind me too, and those Infront are a bit closer. But it's getting quite narrow now, and a bit lower. And it's getting really narrow and I'm having to go sideways and the people Infront are pulling me but the walls are made of earth and I'm getting stuck and now I can't see the people infront but they are holding me hand and urging me on and saying it will be alright but it isn't allright as I'm stuck and now I can't see and I can't hear and it hurts and I'm shouting now but the earth is pressing me and going in my mouth and I'm screaming now and noone can help me and I can feel the squeezing and taste the dirt and I scream and i scream and I scream and I scream and I scream."

So while my stock answer to "did you sleep well?" is "yes, how about you?" actually I only slept moderately. That's maybe a seven out of ten for awfulness of dreams. That one is a slight variation of The Tunnel which I've had since I watched a children's fiction program on ITV about Australian mine where there was some kind of demon who's arrival was heralded by a bell ringing. This didn't feature demons, hence the seven rather than an 8.

Typical examples would be dreaming grain is melting, necessitating a 2am drive to sheds to check. Teeth growing so large I can't speak. Dreaming I woke up while having my heart removed and then not being able to hear my own pulse so waking Mrs teslacoils up to check it is still there. Burried alive. Having ect. A recuring dream of driving round Birmingham to find a secret underground carpark run by dwarves. I've drempt I murdered someone and burried them in my garden, and was so convinced I had done it that for several days I sat by the window waiting to be arrested. I hadn't of course. Often my internal screams wake me and I have to ask Mrs teslacoils if I was actually screaming or not.

All are decipherable. And I'm a rational person. But the cycle has been unending. I remember them with crystal clarity.

 

[waterbuffalofarmer]

This was a couple of nights ago, so you get the idea.

"So, I'm walking down a corridor to my office. As I go on I notice some people far ahead. It's taking a while to get there, and the corridors getting a bit narrower. And a bit darker. And a bit darker. And a bit narrower. And there are people behind me too, and those Infront are a bit closer. But it's getting quite narrow now, and a bit lower. And it's getting really narrow and I'm having to go sideways and the people Infront are pulling me but the walls are made of earth and I'm getting stuck and now I can't see the people infront but they are holding me hand and urging me on and saying it will be alright but it isn't allright as I'm stuck and now I can't see and I can't hear and it hurts and I'm shouting now but the earth is pressing me and going in my mouth and I'm screaming now and noone can help me and I can feel the squeezing and taste the dirt and I scream and i scream and I scream and I scream and I scream."

So while my stock answer to "did you sleep well?" is "yes, how about you?" actually I only slept moderately. That's maybe a seven out of ten for awfulness of dreams. That one is a slight variation of The Tunnel which I've had since I watched a children's fiction program on ITV about Australian mine where there was some kind of demon who's arrival was heralded by a bell ringing. This didn't feature demons, hence the seven rather than an 8.

Typical examples would be dreaming grain is melting, necessitating a 2am drive to sheds to check. Teeth growing so large I can't speak. Dreaming I woke up while having my heart removed and then not being able to hear my own pulse so waking Mrs teslacoils up to check it is still there. Burried alive. Having ect. A recuring dream of driving round Birmingham to find a secret underground carpark run by dwarves. I've drempt I murdered someone and burried them in my garden, and was so convinced I had done it that for several days I sat by the window waiting to be arrested. I hadn't of course. Often my internal screams wake me and I have to ask Mrs teslacoils if I was actually screaming or not.

All are decipherable. And I'm a rational person. But the cycle has been unending. I remember them with crystal clarity.

You may need therapy my dude.

 

[teslacoils]

You may need therapy my dude.

I have the t-shirt and hat. Can't be undone now. I'm slowly divesting myself of any degree of responsibility beyond the business end of a shovel. Given I've got this far I'm fairly pleased, but my thoughts of a huge reduction of anxiety once I cut my farming right back has just led to one set of worries being replaced by new ones. You can see triggers ahead now: I ran over a dead hare last night and give it a few days and my brain will have modified it into something awful. You can't escape 25 years of your own brain rehearsal of worst case scenarios.

 

[Bury the Trash]

I have the t-shirt and hat. Can't be undone now. I'm slowly divesting myself of any degree of responsibility beyond the business end of a shovel. Given I've got this far I'm fairly pleased, but my thoughts of a huge reduction of anxiety once I cut my farming right back has just led to one set of worries being replaced by new ones. You can see triggers ahead now: I ran over a dead hare last night and give it a few days and my brain will have modified it into something awful. You can't escape 25 years of your own brain rehearsal of worst case scenarios.

Probably at least another millennium will pass before the brain will be understood totally, what with its complexities and all that. ?

Hopefully you can a least get some decent sleep at times.

 

[teslacoils]

Probably at least another millennium will pass before the brain will be understood totally, what with its complexities and all that. ?

Hopefully you can a least get some decent sleep at times.

We kid ourselves to think our primitive monkey brains can evolve at the rate we have been socially evolving these last ten thousand years. It's a very natural reaction, just taken to an extreme. I would make a very poor lion. Possibly quite a good shrew.

 

[DrWazzock]

We kid ourselves to think our primitive monkey brains can evolve at the rate we have been socially evolving these last ten thousand years. It's a very natural reaction, just taken to an extreme. I would make a very poor lion. Possibly quite a good shrew.

You would probably write a very good book.