Dealing with depression - suicidal thoughts - Join the conversation (including helpline details)

Back home now sons in his room wife's gone to bed in her room. Here I sit alone again, Elle king good thing gone is playing in the background as I look at the fire and think what the hell happened how did it get to this

Have you thought about going and just having a natter with your son? It's a long night if you're on your own at half eight.
 

Digger73

Member
Arable Farmer
Location
Fenland
He would definitely know something was wrong then. Being on my own is something I am quite use to. It's also something I will have to get use to in the house. As I have looked round the house the last couple of days I have started to realise how little of me is actually in the house. My books and vinyl records were packed away a couple of years ago to make space, my wife doesn't like clutter and stuff. The only place you can tell I live here is my office which she refuses to go in due to its organised chaos
 

DrWazzock

Member
Arable Farmer
Location
Lincolnshire
He would definitely know something was wrong then. Being on my own is something I am quite use to. It's also something I will have to get use to in the house. As I have looked round the house the last couple of days I have started to realise how little of me is actually in the house. My books and vinyl records were packed away a couple of years ago to make space, my wife doesn't like clutter and stuff. The only place you can tell I live here is my office which she refuses to go in due to its organised chaos
Well you have been doing what you thought was right, working hard to support them. That’s well worthy of respect in my view. Keep posting. But you aren’t alone in this. We are all with you and wishing you well.
 

JWL

Member
Location
Hereford
We all have our own ways of dealing with the crap that life throws at us, the major problem is that some of these ways work and some don't. I know that I am a pretty strong person, well I've survived this long and kept my sense of humour even if it is quite a black humour. Eleven years ago net week my wife of then fourteen years gave me the line "I love you but I don't love you"and upped and went leaving me with my two boys, one 8 and the other 12 and autistic. Now that was a pretty low time in my life but being Old School you just get up and get on with it.
There wasn't one day that I didn't think of her, the letter she left me is still around somewhere and she explained that she did still love me but it was the situation we were in at the time is what she couldn't cope with, money was extremely tight and I was working away from home to earn as much as I could needless to say out of farming. As I would be away all week the boys were draining her, the youngest bright as a button and the eldest with his autism was really hard work with his total dependency. She had suffered from Post Natal Depression from our first child and was on Paroxetine, we had no respite from anywhere, my mother just blanked us and her parents were nearly two hours away and to be brutally honest frightened of their capabilities to cope with our eldest so we were on our own.
She ended up getting into a relationship with a co-worker who turned out to be a narcissist, controlling her life and the money she earned plus he was an alcoholic and would never shoulder any responsibilities for debts he racked up generally in her name. I know it sounds corny but I never stopped loving her and tried to help her by being there in the background and a couple of years ago she swallowed her pride and left hi for the umpteenth time and asked if she could come back to the three of us.
Being of the Old Fashioned type, those vows I made 25 years ago still mean a lot to me to this day, we met through YFC, I was a County Chairman and she came for an interview for County Secretary, I was smitten when she walked through the door at the interview but there were four others she had to convince. We became very good friends and three years later we got married, our first boy was born a couple of years later and when it starting to become obvious that something wasn't quite right with his development a year later I was given 6 weeks to find a new job and somewhere to live. The estate I was shepherd for had decided to cut the flock in half and use contract shepherds and the house we lived in was to be rented out. That was a downer but we got through, the net few years which saw me changing my career from farming to a job with fewer hours with slightly less money but not having to work 80+ hours a week every week. The heartaches of getting a diagnosis and recognition for help with our eldest, the hassles that went with the second pregnancy with the fears of the outcome due to a genetic disorder from my side of the family which was found in tests but has no link to our sons autism, it's just a coincidence
The last couple of years haven't been all sweetness and light, she still feels like an outsider in her own home. The boys had been brought up by me for the past 8 years and they did find it hard to have a mother and a woman back in their lives plus she has missed out on so much of their growing up years, the youngest had gone from the village primary school and through high school and was starting sith form college, the eldest was allmost an adult but in a lot of ways was much like a toddler and still with very little language. We had our own way of communicating, nothing special, more like the way you know what your livestock wants and needs, a cruel analogy but harshly accurate.
Now she's going through menopause and struggling, the relationship she had been in turned her into a very angry, paranoid(to some extent) person. We have a couple of ponies in a livery yard, one of which is what I kept out of the three we had when she left. The yard is on a farm where I had originally done some contract labour and a deal was struck that to keep the pony I would do odd bits of work ranging from spanner work to tractor driving, errands etc etc. As we all know livery yards are usually full of hormonal women and every so often the status quo gets disturbed, this has happened with herself and another. Last Sunday it kicked off and boiled over and a full blown rant started with herself outdoing herself but it hit her hard and she tool the steps to get some help. Got onto the doctors and within a few hours was talking to a mental nurse on the phone. Not the best but a start, her meds were upped in strength and today we picked them up, went onto do the ponies and the other party turned up. Now herself was pretty calm and a friend said wouldn't it be a good idea to give an apology to the woman. So she tried but it ended up in yet another rant. Not that I'm judgemental but the other woman is as thick as pigshit and there was no hope of any mediation and as the two have known each other for a number of years my other half was having crap thrown at her from years ago and nothing to do with what the argument was about in the first place which means that the grudges held have very little chance of being sorted.
Give her her due the other half has spent the rest of the day uite calmly, very shocked at the vitriol that was given to her but she does admit that when she launched out on Sunday she was as bad.
So, with the atmosphere at the yard as it is it's going to be "interesting" for a while to come, yes we could move the ponies but to be honest there's not many places around at this time of year plus I don't want to move due to my links with the farm and what I do there. I'm not looking to get this other woman thrown off what I would like is for the pair of them to grow up and get on with life, they can avoid each other reasonably easily with different timings, to be fair you rarely see the other one around at the time she was there today it was allmost as if she changed her routine for the spat but that's how some people are.
I must say this coping with life and what it throws at you can get bloody tedious at times!
 

CornishRanger

Member
Livestock Farmer
Location
Cornwall
Some people aren't happy unless they have their little war to fight unfortunately, and I'd bet she turned up knowing your other half would be there just to try to assert her dominance, some people are just that petty I'm afraid. You can't back down or she'll thing she's the queen, if you don't its all fuel for the fire. If you work out how to deal with it please let us know
 

JWL

Member
Location
Hereford
It is such an arse on how people have to keep biting at each other, something else that they've failed to learn from watching the animals but there again it is nature at work no matter how much we tr not to admit it. Really goes to show how little the human race has evolved from the rest of life on earth no matter how much they think they have, all the basic instincts shine through at some point.
 
We all have our own ways of dealing with the crap that life throws at us, the major problem is that some of these ways work and some don't. I know that I am a pretty strong person, well I've survived this long and kept my sense of humour even if it is quite a black humour. Eleven years ago net week my wife of then fourteen years gave me the line "I love you but I don't love you"and upped and went leaving me with my two boys, one 8 and the other 12 and autistic. Now that was a pretty low time in my life but being Old School you just get up and get on with it.
There wasn't one day that I didn't think of her, the letter she left me is still around somewhere and she explained that she did still love me but it was the situation we were in at the time is what she couldn't cope with, money was extremely tight and I was working away from home to earn as much as I could needless to say out of farming. As I would be away all week the boys were draining her, the youngest bright as a button and the eldest with his autism was really hard work with his total dependency. She had suffered from Post Natal Depression from our first child and was on Paroxetine, we had no respite from anywhere, my mother just blanked us and her parents were nearly two hours away and to be brutally honest frightened of their capabilities to cope with our eldest so we were on our own.
She ended up getting into a relationship with a co-worker who turned out to be a narcissist, controlling her life and the money she earned plus he was an alcoholic and would never shoulder any responsibilities for debts he racked up generally in her name. I know it sounds corny but I never stopped loving her and tried to help her by being there in the background and a couple of years ago she swallowed her pride and left hi for the umpteenth time and asked if she could come back to the three of us.
Being of the Old Fashioned type, those vows I made 25 years ago still mean a lot to me to this day, we met through YFC, I was a County Chairman and she came for an interview for County Secretary, I was smitten when she walked through the door at the interview but there were four others she had to convince. We became very good friends and three years later we got married, our first boy was born a couple of years later and when it starting to become obvious that something wasn't quite right with his development a year later I was given 6 weeks to find a new job and somewhere to live. The estate I was shepherd for had decided to cut the flock in half and use contract shepherds and the house we lived in was to be rented out. That was a downer but we got through, the net few years which saw me changing my career from farming to a job with fewer hours with slightly less money but not having to work 80+ hours a week every week. The heartaches of getting a diagnosis and recognition for help with our eldest, the hassles that went with the second pregnancy with the fears of the outcome due to a genetic disorder from my side of the family which was found in tests but has no link to our sons autism, it's just a coincidence
The last couple of years haven't been all sweetness and light, she still feels like an outsider in her own home. The boys had been brought up by me for the past 8 years and they did find it hard to have a mother and a woman back in their lives plus she has missed out on so much of their growing up years, the youngest had gone from the village primary school and through high school and was starting sith form college, the eldest was allmost an adult but in a lot of ways was much like a toddler and still with very little language. We had our own way of communicating, nothing special, more like the way you know what your livestock wants and needs, a cruel analogy but harshly accurate.
Now she's going through menopause and struggling, the relationship she had been in turned her into a very angry, paranoid(to some extent) person. We have a couple of ponies in a livery yard, one of which is what I kept out of the three we had when she left. The yard is on a farm where I had originally done some contract labour and a deal was struck that to keep the pony I would do odd bits of work ranging from spanner work to tractor driving, errands etc etc. As we all know livery yards are usually full of hormonal women and every so often the status quo gets disturbed, this has happened with herself and another. Last Sunday it kicked off and boiled over and a full blown rant started with herself outdoing herself but it hit her hard and she tool the steps to get some help. Got onto the doctors and within a few hours was talking to a mental nurse on the phone. Not the best but a start, her meds were upped in strength and today we picked them up, went onto do the ponies and the other party turned up. Now herself was pretty calm and a friend said wouldn't it be a good idea to give an apology to the woman. So she tried but it ended up in yet another rant. Not that I'm judgemental but the other woman is as thick as pigshit and there was no hope of any mediation and as the two have known each other for a number of years my other half was having crap thrown at her from years ago and nothing to do with what the argument was about in the first place which means that the grudges held have very little chance of being sorted.
Give her her due the other half has spent the rest of the day uite calmly, very shocked at the vitriol that was given to her but she does admit that when she launched out on Sunday she was as bad.
So, with the atmosphere at the yard as it is it's going to be "interesting" for a while to come, yes we could move the ponies but to be honest there's not many places around at this time of year plus I don't want to move due to my links with the farm and what I do there. I'm not looking to get this other woman thrown off what I would like is for the pair of them to grow up and get on with life, they can avoid each other reasonably easily with different timings, to be fair you rarely see the other one around at the time she was there today it was allmost as if she changed her routine for the spat but that's how some people are.
I must say this coping with life and what it throws at you can get bloody tedious at times!

Many thanks for the frankly open post and your willingness to share. Only the other day I was contemplating the fact that I had never read any posts referring to the female change of life in here.

Over the years I have worked along side several men whose wives had gone through the change and almost brought their husbands to total despair. We men find it difficult to understand the minds of women that are going through the change, but I do know that hormone replacement drugs are a tremendous help in balancing female hormones and stabilising their thought patterns of anxiety/anger/ paranoia.
 

JWL

Member
Location
Hereford
I must admit to hiding a smile when she was having a discussion with a nurse friend of ours who suggested HRT. Oh no was my other halfs reply, I don't want to be all hairy. Our nurse friend had to explain that it was the female hormones that were being added to replace the ones that get depleted as the woman goes into menopause, totally the opposite effect meaning that the testosterone etc doesn't get the upper hand and give her a full goatee ;)
You'd think that some people would remember a lot more from their school days and the biology lessons that happened!
 

cows sh#t me to tears

Member
Livestock Farmer
Just a general question mentioned around our table- Is mental illness as prevalent in hotter climates?
As in does it help waking up every morning and the sun is shining? Don't necessarily mean hot but just nice.
Here you look forward to summer, which is usually maybe a nice week then spend the next 350 odd days where the weather is dull or just pure sh!t.
Simple answer. No. Matters not.
 
I didn't mean for you to leave it at that, just that I thought the statement that "we men find it difficult to understand women" was accurate enough in itself, whether they are going through the change or not! Hope no offence taken

Oops, sorry if I gave the impression of being offended; it was just a silly quip on my part! The menopause is, of course, a most traumatic event for ladies to have to pass through but for the unwary and ignorant family members in their lives it can be a complete mystery and almost soul destroying.

Like unto cancer and psychological illness, the menopause was just one of those mysteries that very few people knew anything about, or were prepared to talk about.

I think that your initial statement is spot on though; certainly when we consider that we have so many problems really understanding each other! ;)

Chris (y)
 

CornishRanger

Member
Livestock Farmer
Location
Cornwall
Oops, sorry if I gave the impression of being offended; it was just a silly quip on my part! The menopause is, of course, a most traumatic event for ladies to have to pass through but for the unwary and ignorant family members in their lives it can be a complete mystery and almost soul destroying.

Like unto cancer and psychological illness, the menopause was just one of those mysteries that very few people knew anything about, or were prepared to talk about.

I think that your initial statement is spot on though; certainly when we consider that we have so many problems really understanding each other! ;)

Chris (y)
No problem, I just wanted to be sure my comment hadn't been misinterpreted.
 

Kiwi Pete

Member
Livestock Farmer
Screenshot_20201031-193728_Facebook.jpg
 

Farmer Roy

Member
Arable Farmer
Location
NSW, Newstralya
Just a general question mentioned around our table- Is mental illness as prevalent in hotter climates?
As in does it help waking up every morning and the sun is shining? Don't necessarily mean hot but just nice.
Here you look forward to summer, which is usually maybe a nice week then spend the next 350 odd days where the weather is dull or just pure sh!t.
@Farmer Roy

In my opinion constant heat and sun can be as mentally wearing as rain and lack of sun.

Think I'm over the hill now but these past few weeks not been good with shortening days and colder temperatures.

I know a lot of you have been busy drilling, lifting tatties etc. But my mind and body misses the constant drive that's required from spring through till end of harvest.

Autumns kind of a comedown. Lack of adrenaline and living on the edge normally brings illness in my case.

speaking from personal experience, waking up every day in a sunny environment doesnt stop you from wanting to hide under the covers, or end it all . . .

Australia is 51st in the world for suicide rates , compared to the UK which comes in at 109 apparently



Suicide Statistics
  • Eight Australians die every day by suicide. That’s more than double the road toll.
  • 75% of those who take their own life are male.
  • Over 65,000 Australians make a suicide attempt each year.
  • In 2018, 3,046 Australians took their own life.
  • Suicide is the leading cause of death for Australians between the ages of 15 and 44.
  • The suicide rate in Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples is twice that of their non-Indigenous counterparts.
  • People in rural populations are 2 times more likely to die by suicide.
  • LGBTI+ community members experience significantly higher rates of suicide than the rest of the population.
  • For each life lost to suicide, the impacts are felt by up to 135 people, including family members, work colleagues, friends, first responders at the time of death.
  • Males aged 85 and older experience the highest age-specific rate of suicide.
  • Same-gender attracted Australians are estimated to experience up to 14 times higher rates of attempted suicide than their heterosexual peers.
  • 1 in 4 Australians are lonely and have no-one to speak to. Lifeline is here to listen.

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