Recent suicide last week in the rodeo community.
http://globalnews.ca/news/3180742/f...ty-pozzobon-to-donate-his-brain-for-research/
http://globalnews.ca/news/3180742/f...ty-pozzobon-to-donate-his-brain-for-research/
My Black dog is running around outside off the leash, as on Tuesday I had to let him go as he had been barking and whining and I could put up with it no longer.
My house is much quieter and more peaceful without him, but I miss him, as he has been a part of my life since I was a teenager.Everyone I met either had one or wanted one and had to have one,so I went looking for one and soon discovered my blackdog.It was a beautiful puppy,longing for a master I was so chuffed to have found him,I took him home to show my friends and family who all adored him.The girls loved him and I thought I had cracked it with my new companion by my side,I enjoyed his company he made me feel wanted and appreciated,we had some fantastic times together especially at college where I would proudly walk him around the campus and show him off.
For the first few years we had a great time and became inseparable,he gave me confidence to go anywhere do anything and he just lapped it all up.I thought that this was a match made in heaven,that it was the ideal duo he made me feel special and that I fitted in with everyone else,I belonged.
Over the years the dog became bigger and badly behaved,it would sulk if I did not give him the attention he was used to,he would keep me on my toes by running off and I would have to go out at night searching for him and when I found him I would have to show him how important he was to me and how much I had missed him.This falling out and making up went on for years but every time it happened the black dog got more aggressive and knew that he could manipulate me so he got my attention again.
Some of my friends liked the black dog and enjoyed his company,others who knew me before I found the dog were not so sure and could see the dog was controlling me and that I was no longer it's master.I knew the dog was getting too aggressive to handle but he had been my faithful companion so I felt I should stick by him as he had stuck by me.
Just lately the dog has become uncontrollable as he realizes he has to play second fiddle to other more important things that have come into my life.I am now trying to decide whether to go looking for the dog or perhaps we have grown apart and it's time to move on.Perhaps the dog and I can live happily together again if he learns to know when he is allowed in to be with me.Maybe I'll never see him again but I doubt it,I need to be ready for when he comes scratching at the door asking to be let back in.I think I have three choices,leave him outside and put up with the incessant whining,let him in so longs as he has learnt his lesson and behaves or muzzle him and have him put down.
Sounds like you've read 'The Chimp Paradox'?tremendous ,thought provoking insight.....i would say it sounds more like an 'inner chimp' perhaps?
Sounds like you've read 'The Chimp Paradox'?
If you don't mind me asking why do you think you've been a disappointment for 20 years?
Roy; I have often thought that (for some of us) anxiety/depression may be something that we have learned from our family upbringing but if that is the case, then it can be un-learned, or perhaps we can be re-programmed. Support and councelling can be a great help in those matters as can be sitting down and discussing our fears as a family.
Your comments have left me wondering how old are the kids, how big is the farm, what is produced, and what are the present problems confronting you on a day to day basis? There are loads of willing ears, open hearts, and knowing minds on here and I am sure that many of them will have been confronted by the same problems that may be chasing you. I know verry little, or nowt, about farming and it's problems but I do know that there is a way through the darkness of anxiety and depression.
I was recently given a copy of my old school reports. I have always been an academic over-achiever. But growing up we were constantly told how little we had - the usual things as a farming child. So no money for heating on; holidays; anything like that. Which was probably true and my parents have worked very hard, yet family life was fing crap. I am, as a result, exceptionally financially prudent. Or rather excessively.
It is entirely a learnt response, and no it cannot be reprogrammed. This is not new, and has been with me for over 20 years.
So take excessive prudence and a need for a certain level of security, and wrap them up in a job which as far as I can see the results largely come down to weather and currency and there is surely a complete lack of control of your own destiny. This is not a great situation for someone who likes to micromanage and plan everything.
There is, sadly, no way through. This is something you have for life. It is how your brain is wired to react to real or imaginary stresses. For me they are both real and imaginary. If a careers adviser saw me at 18 they would say "you should be a business leader, or a politician" but really a psychologist would have said "you should be stacking shelves at Tesco and avoiding all responsibility".
The dividing line between greatness / genius and mental illness are well know. If you met me, you would consider me a well travelled, well spoken, multi-lingual, moderately-successful businessman in decent health. But that doesnt stop me spending days making the breakfast, doing the school run and then sitting in a corner hoping the phone doesnt ring until its time to pick the children up and make the tea.
In poker you look for a tell. Similarly, for the chronically anxious there are signs. So next time you meet someone outwardly doing well, just keep your eyes open for something not-quite-right. For me, its my fingers. When I am edgy, I pick the skin on my hands. It started when I was about 14. And every new year I promise to stop. But you can see if you look, that the skin on my fingers between the nail and the knuckle is pretty much destroyed, bleeding and scarred.
Things may be different now, but since about 11 I have been told the world is my oyster, but you never realise how the decisions you make quite early on in life have a profound effect on the number of future choices you can make, versus the routes you are essentially forced to take by circumstance.
I am a diagnosed manic-depressive. They call it bi-polar now, and it's seemingly quite trendy. I am quite used to the peaks and troughs that come with it, and apologise that I made my first post on what was a bit of an off-day. Extreme stress is a trigger, and I am hopeful that one source of this is about to go away and give me a few weeks respite before the next calamity. I used to have a non-farming job where solving problems, or "fire-fighting" was par for the course and it was exciting and challenging. But now it is more difficult to switch off. Its almost 2am now and I expect I will lie awake for the next hour or so until I finally fall asleep. So please, I really just needed somewhere to dump all that crap. I am not in any immediate difficulty or peril, and will sink back into the woodwork now.
Best wishes to all.
You could be me!you could be me @Roy Baty .....sounds a very similar story.....i think a lot of us are just 'hanging in there at mo'.....good luck to us all
You could be me!
It seems there are a lot of us around.
I am not alone!
'I'M SPARTACUS'
NO, I AM SPARTACUS!No! I'm Spartacus
NO, I AM SPARTACUS!
That's a brave post, and you've managed to describe me perfectly. Thank you.I was recently given a copy of my old school reports. I have always been an academic over-achiever. But growing up we were constantly told how little we had - the usual things as a farming child. So no money for heating on; holidays; anything like that. Which was probably true and my parents have worked very hard, yet family life was fing crap. I am, as a result, exceptionally financially prudent. Or rather excessively.
It is entirely a learnt response, and no it cannot be reprogrammed. This is not new, and has been with me for over 20 years.
So take excessive prudence and a need for a certain level of security, and wrap them up in a job which as far as I can see the results largely come down to weather and currency and there is surely a complete lack of control of your own destiny. This is not a great situation for someone who likes to micromanage and plan everything.
There is, sadly, no way through. This is something you have for life. It is how your brain is wired to react to real or imaginary stresses. For me they are both real and imaginary. If a careers adviser saw me at 18 they would say "you should be a business leader, or a politician" but really a psychologist would have said "you should be stacking shelves at Tesco and avoiding all responsibility".
The dividing line between greatness / genius and mental illness are well know. If you met me, you would consider me a well travelled, well spoken, multi-lingual, moderately-successful businessman in decent health. But that doesnt stop me spending days making the breakfast, doing the school run and then sitting in a corner hoping the phone doesnt ring until its time to pick the children up and make the tea.
In poker you look for a tell. Similarly, for the chronically anxious there are signs. So next time you meet someone outwardly doing well, just keep your eyes open for something not-quite-right. For me, its my fingers. When I am edgy, I pick the skin on my hands. It started when I was about 14. And every new year I promise to stop. But you can see if you look, that the skin on my fingers between the nail and the knuckle is pretty much destroyed, bleeding and scarred.
Things may be different now, but since about 11 I have been told the world is my oyster, but you never realise how the decisions you make quite early on in life have a profound effect on the number of future choices you can make, versus the routes you are essentially forced to take by circumstance.
I am a diagnosed manic-depressive. They call it bi-polar now, and it's seemingly quite trendy. I am quite used to the peaks and troughs that come with it, and apologise that I made my first post on what was a bit of an off-day. Extreme stress is a trigger, and I am hopeful that one source of this is about to go away and give me a few weeks respite before the next calamity. I used to have a non-farming job where solving problems, or "fire-fighting" was par for the course and it was exciting and challenging. But now it is more difficult to switch off. Its almost 2am now and I expect I will lie awake for the next hour or so until I finally fall asleep. So please, I really just needed somewhere to dump all that crap. I am not in any immediate difficulty or peril, and will sink back into the woodwork now.
Best wishes to all.