Dealing with depression - suicidal thoughts - Join the conversation (including helpline details)

waterbuffalofarmer

Member
Livestock Farmer
Location
Penzance
Well it appears that one week was just a one off. Everything went back to as before, sure my brother and I still do some work as a team. But past week has been hell... I injured myself twice, once in the head, the other in the ankle and my ankles gotten only slightly better, because I've hardly been able to rest it due to work load. I'm going to book an appointment at docs for it, but it means, due to a variety of things, that I can't go and see my grandparents and my aunty next week that for various reasons I haven't seen in 2 years. I just atm, I can't see many ways forward with my life. I don't know what I want, I'm just plodding through everyday and I can't change my life for a long while and it's so frustrating. I get everyone wants me to stay in farming but I'm really not sure I want to. I don't have the drive for it anymore. Nothing excites me that much about it anymore. Mostly because I cant do what I wanted to do in life and am just really stuck. I don't want any of you to feel sorry or sympathise or even talk me into moving out of my family home or urging me to be independent, because right now I'm not mentally able to do any of that, I'm not capable right now of doing any single thing I wished I could do. I've come to the crossroads in my life and I'm flailing, I don't know what I want or what to do, I'm just stuck looking each which way. Thanks for listening guys and I hope all of you are feeling OK within yourselves
 
Well it appears that one week was just a one off. Everything went back to as before, sure my brother and I still do some work as a team. But past week has been hell... I injured myself twice, once in the head, the other in the ankle and my ankles gotten only slightly better, because I've hardly been able to rest it due to work load. I'm going to book an appointment at docs for it, but it means, due to a variety of things, that I can't go and see my grandparents and my aunty next week that for various reasons I haven't seen in 2 years. I just atm, I can't see many ways forward with my life. I don't know what I want, I'm just plodding through everyday and I can't change my life for a long while and it's so frustrating. I get everyone wants me to stay in farming but I'm really not sure I want to. I don't have the drive for it anymore. Nothing excites me that much about it anymore. Mostly because I cant do what I wanted to do in life and am just really stuck. I don't want any of you to feel sorry or sympathise or even talk me into moving out of my family home or urging me to be independent, because right now I'm not mentally able to do any of that, I'm not capable right now of doing any single thing I wished I could do. I've come to the crossroads in my life and I'm flailing, I don't know what I want or what to do, I'm just stuck looking each which way. Thanks for listening guys and I hope all of you are feeling OK within yourselves

Ticking the like button for your post would initially appear inappropriate but I have ticked it because I like the fact that you have shared some of your deep feelings with us. I wouldn't even contemplate trying to persuade you to either leave or stay in farming but would be happy to read your thoughts on how you may progress.

Have you tried having a chat with the good folk at FCN; they are only a phone call away and I would guess that the people there would have a good knowledge and understanding of the farming problems that you are facing. When you get to see your GP for your ankle, I would also suggest telling him of your present dilemma of life decisions and the inner conflict that they are giving you..

Do you have any basic ideas of what you may contemplate doing if not farming and have you talked with anyone about possibly leaving farming?

Stay safe, stay well, and we all look forward to your next post.

Chris (y)
 
So.... an update. I’ve been off the pills for 6 days! My appetite has gone back to normal . The wife thinks I’m lovely again as not moody. So , however. Tablets helped when I needed them most. So don’t discount them

Good to read that you are picking up and that your wife can also see the improved changes but do please take care when stopping medication.

Chris (y)
 
I can't help but wonder if we are all really looking for somewhere to belong; or are just seeking to be accepted for who we are.
Possibly neither, sometimes it's to be with someone who you just can talk to about anything and everything either over coffee and cake, a good bottle of Central Otago pinot or just a quiet beer.
 

waterbuffalofarmer

Member
Livestock Farmer
Location
Penzance
Ticking the like button for your post would initially appear inappropriate but I have ticked it because I like the fact that you have shared some of your deep feelings with us. I wouldn't even contemplate trying to persuade you to either leave or stay in farming but would be happy to read your thoughts on how you may progress.

Have you tried having a chat with the good folk at FCN; they are only a phone call away and I would guess that the people there would have a good knowledge and understanding of the farming problems that you are facing. When you get to see your GP for your ankle, I would also suggest telling him of your present dilemma of life decisions and the inner conflict that they are giving you..

Do you have any basic ideas of what you may contemplate doing if not farming and have you talked with anyone about possibly leaving farming?

Stay safe, stay well, and we all look forward to your next post.

Chris (y)
I have spoken to my parents about it. Initially my father was supportive of whatever I wanted to do, but my mother guilt trips me a lot if I say I don't want to do farming or such. They have always said to me I didn't have to farm if I didn't want to, but when I say I don't want to it's almost a case of roll the eyes and whatever. At least it feels that way. At this point I'm only doing this for them because they set up the business and I feel a kind of duty towards making it work. Im giving it a few years and if there's an opportunity elsewhere and the business doesn't work then I'll go. Currently I'm just too lazy to make sh!t work elsewhere and it's so hard to set up businesses nowadays. My ideal is just have a job I can somewhat enjoy and do and maybe a few animals on the side for me to keep and enjoy. I hate the fact you breed to sell them all the time and make products to sell to others. Everything you do there's always money signs at the end. For me that's what I despise about farming. I don't think I can talk to my GP about it, they will tell me what I don't want to hear really. This is the dilemma I face, in short. I talked to my brother about it and he said the choice is in my hands, if I don't want to farm I don't have to, the fact I'm holding myself back because my parents don't want me to leave, is my own decision because I'm allowing that to influence me personally. I think he has a point here tbh. Thanks for that, I'll have a think about FCN.
 
Buffy,

when you were young and still at school, what dreams and hopes did you have secreted deep within your heart? Just at present, if you look beyond farming, what areas could interest you and if the present phase passes; what can you find attractive about the your farm?

Unfortunately, depression saps us of our energy, will power, clarity of thought, and even personal grooming. We wake in the wee small hours for no apparent reason and when sleep comes it lacks that refreshing and energising cycle that we used to get from slumbering through the night. Our days can be like trying to progress through thick treacle and the whole cycle can feel as though it is unbreakable but breakable it is!

Chris (y)
 

waterbuffalofarmer

Member
Livestock Farmer
Location
Penzance
Buffy,

when you were young and still at school, what dreams and hopes did you have secreted deep within your heart? Just at present, if you look beyond farming, what areas could interest you and if the present phase passes; what can you find attractive about the your farm?

Unfortunately, depression saps us of our energy, will power, clarity of thought, and even personal grooming. We wake in the wee small hours for no apparent reason and when sleep comes it lacks that refreshing and energising cycle that we used to get from slumbering through the night. Our days can be like trying to progress through thick treacle and the whole cycle can feel as though it is unbreakable but breakable it is!

Chris (y)
I didn't go to school, I was educated at home. It was very good with lots of adventures and such haha. When I was young I wanted to work as a nurse for the NHS, but when I got older I grew out of that, I then wanted to be a vet. Always jobs were I could care/nurture for creatures or people. Ik with farming I can indeed do that. But since I got good mates I see what they can do, like travelling and such and I want that, as to jobs I really don't know. I did think of being an AI technician or I'd want to be a dressmaker or such, I love creating things. So many possibilities tbh. Smallholding for me has always been attractive, so live off the land, keep a few animals, maybe a small flock of pedigree sheep and breed up a name for myself. My mates said I would do very good running a rescue shelter of such, I do like the idea of it, the caring/nurturing side to it. I won't go on haha. Depression does tbh. When I get my bouts of it I lose all interest/motivation and I withdraw right into myself. The winter will be soon passed tho, however. Strangely I never had sleeping problems, only small bouts of insomnia as a child, I used to suffer with bad cramp a lot in my feet, which left me crying. My parents always had to get up with me to relieve it, but that was years ago now. Only bad sleep I had was because of a toxic mate I was texting 6 months ago, barely had 3 hours of sleep a night, that caused an eating disorder for 2 weeks and I dropped 6lbs in weight. Nowadays I get maximum of 6 hrs a night really, mostly 5 hrs and my body has accustomed to that tbh. Due to work this is rly. Its not good ik, but not much I can do about that, my mother tried to help out on that front, as she's concerned about me a lot on that front, but nothing really worked, so you kind of get used to it
 

DrWazzock

Member
Arable Farmer
Location
Lincolnshire
I didn't go to school, I was educated at home. It was very good with lots of adventures and such haha. When I was young I wanted to work as a nurse for the NHS, but when I got older I grew out of that, I then wanted to be a vet. Always jobs were I could care/nurture for creatures or people. Ik with farming I can indeed do that. But since I got good mates I see what they can do, like travelling and such and I want that, as to jobs I really don't know. I did think of being an AI technician or I'd want to be a dressmaker or such, I love creating things. So many possibilities tbh. Smallholding for me has always been attractive, so live off the land, keep a few animals, maybe a small flock of pedigree sheep and breed up a name for myself. My mates said I would do very good running a rescue shelter of such, I do like the idea of it, the caring/nurturing side to it. I won't go on haha. Depression does tbh. When I get my bouts of it I lose all interest/motivation and I withdraw right into myself. The winter will be soon passed tho, however. Strangely I never had sleeping problems, only small bouts of insomnia as a child, I used to suffer with bad cramp a lot in my feet, which left me crying. My parents always had to get up with me to relieve it, but that was years ago now. Only bad sleep I had was because of a toxic mate I was texting 6 months ago, barely had 3 hours of sleep a night, that caused an eating disorder for 2 weeks and I dropped 6lbs in weight. Nowadays I get maximum of 6 hrs a night really, mostly 5 hrs and my body has accustomed to that tbh. Due to work this is rly. Its not good ik, but not much I can do about that, my mother tried to help out on that front, as she's concerned about me a lot on that front, but nothing really worked, so you kind of get used to it


My Aunt Mary left the dairy farm and learned to be a flower arranger down in London. She ended up as chief flower arranger at The Savoy hotel. She always reckoned it was the best thing she ever did, though personally I didn't think it sounded that good. That was 70 years ago and things were a bit different then but goes to show that quite a few things are possible.

You are young. You have time on your side. No need to make any quick decisions. I left home at 18 and went to uni, then worked in the engineering industry. Some good times and some very tough times. Some bouts of depression doing that as well so not all a bed of roses but glad I did it, as only live once. Been back farming for 15 years. Do feel a bit fed up, isolated out in the sticks and wasted at times, though there are still plenty of challenges in farming to get your teeth into. Sometimes too many. It can be what you make it - if you are free to do so, which we often aren't.

I think variety is the spice of life. Ideally I wouldn't do the same thing for more than 10 years, but now I am older things are a bit more tying.

Dunno really. Keep thinking.

Best not make a decision on a snapshot though. Make it on the average feeling over a year maybe. I used to be hotheaded in that respect and resigned from jobs at the drop of a hat. I did not take a job that I was offered at the Hydroelectric Power Station near Perth. I remember sitting on a bus going into my work in Manchester, thinking nah, this is alright here and I unresigned. I always wonder what would have happened if I had gone to Perth. Probably still have been a miserable old barsteward engineer some of the time but there we are. That's life.

Best wishes.
 
Chronic social isolation or loniless was a feature of my life until I got married 12 years ago. It has taken me years to learn even basic social skills and I still find interaction and small talk very difficult. It runs in the family but really didn't help with happiness. While I got the best academic results in my year at school I would have swapped that for more general acceptance in social groups. Anyway I used to divert my efforts into work really. Only now am I learning to step back from all things purely functional and begin to appreciate anything artistic and cultural. I feel like I have wasted years really. Not sure I will ever "get" sociability, but have kind of learned it through experience. It's a funny old life.

Keep Curiousity!
 

Turkish_FR

Member
Mixed Farmer
I have spoken to my parents about it. Initially my father was supportive of whatever I wanted to do, but my mother guilt trips me a lot if I say I don't want to do farming or such. They have always said to me I didn't have to farm if I didn't want to, but when I say I don't want to it's almost a case of roll the eyes and whatever. At least it feels that way. At this point I'm only doing this for them because they set up the business and I feel a kind of duty towards making it work. Im giving it a few years and if there's an opportunity elsewhere and the business doesn't work then I'll go. Currently I'm just too lazy to make sh!t work elsewhere and it's so hard to set up businesses nowadays. My ideal is just have a job I can somewhat enjoy and do and maybe a few animals on the side for me to keep and enjoy. I hate the fact you breed to sell them all the time and make products to sell to others. Everything you do there's always money signs at the end. For me that's what I despise about farming. I don't think I can talk to my GP about it, they will tell me what I don't want to hear really. This is the dilemma I face, in short. I talked to my brother about it and he said the choice is in my hands, if I don't want to farm I don't have to, the fact I'm holding myself back because my parents don't want me to leave, is my own decision because I'm allowing that to influence me personally. I think he has a point here tbh. Thanks for that, I'll have a think about FCN.


You should listen these kind of motivation videos sometimes. Ytube always recommends me one.


 
Buffy,

when you were young and still at school, what dreams and hopes did you have secreted deep within your heart? Just at present, if you look beyond farming, what areas could interest you and if the present phase passes; what can you find attractive about the your farm?

Unfortunately, depression saps us of our energy, will power, clarity of thought, and even personal grooming. We wake in the wee small hours for no apparent reason and when sleep comes it lacks that refreshing and energising cycle that we used to get from slumbering through the night. Our days can be like trying to progress through thick treacle and the whole cycle can feel as though it is unbreakable but breakable it is!

Chris (y)

I forgot to mention procrastination! :(
 

Turkish_FR

Member
Mixed Farmer
FWIW I'm entirely different person in summer time, or at least when we have a reasonable summer. The last five months of constant grey wet with more to come are completely soul-destroying and I can't imagine why I thought I wanted anything to do with anything outdoorsy let alone farming.

Give us a proper summer and I feel like I can do anything.

If you want to hate sun, you can move to Turkey for a while. Some people in my city shooting at sun lol
 

SFI - What % were you taking out of production?

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Red Tractor drops launch of green farming scheme amid anger from farmers

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As reported in Independent


quote: “Red Tractor has confirmed it is dropping plans to launch its green farming assurance standard in April“

read the TFF thread here: https://thefarmingforum.co.uk/index.php?threads/gfc-was-to-go-ahead-now-not-going-ahead.405234/
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