Dealing with depression - suicidal thoughts - Join the conversation (including helpline details)

[lou]

So Dad died from cancer 5 months ago and I've been here running the place.

Sometimes things go well and I'm pleased.

Other times something goes wrong and I get dragged down. We have a group of heifers not doing as well as I'd hoped, we have some mastitis issues, builders are in doing the house up so there's that disruption, long hours and down and down I go.

Then j start wondering what if this and what if that which isn't helpful neither.

Go easy on yourself chap, you've got a lot going on.

Heifers will get better and you'll sort the mastitis. You can only deal with stuff as it happens, tell the "what if's" to bugger off

I agree with Alicecow your posts in the dairy section are a good read

 

[spin cycle]

So Dad died from cancer 5 months ago and I've been here running the place.

Sometimes things go well and I'm pleased.

Other times something goes wrong and I get dragged down. We have a group of heifers not doing as well as I'd hoped, we have some mastitis issues, builders are in doing the house up so there's that disruption, long hours and down and down I go.

Then j start wondering what if this and what if that which isn't helpful neither.

hang in there m8...you're in the 'eye of the storm'....i was in a very similar position in 2015....very near did for me....but i realised that the loss of a farming father can take 2 years to cover the 'shock' to the farm....it's bloomin hard ....both work and emotional ...but you can get through it

what i'm trying to say is what you're going through now should be a temporary rough period.....not the 'blue print' of the norm

good luck

 

[BobGreen]

I would just like to say that there are many wise people who post some very good comments on this thread which I'm sure bring much comfort and hope to others who are suffering

 

[Christoph1945]

Hope your wife makes a quick recovery. Good that you were able to spot the problem and get it seen to so quickly. You seem to have had really rough time lately. Don't forget to take care of yourself as well. Best wishes

Thanks for the good wishes Lili.

Spent five hours at the hospital today and they confirmed that the wife has a large DVT in her right leg, running from the knee area to her groin. Presently being treated as an out patient and will be returning to the hospital on Monday morning for further assessment and co-ordination of a drug treatment plan and ongoing treatment.

I just wish that I had taken charge earlier and pressed for a doctors appointment when I first insisted that she should have her symptoms investigated.

Her present prognosis is good but it could just as easily gone bad ways and I would have been in rather a quandary, feeling guilty for not having acted in time.

As the Bard may have said........"all is well that ends well"!

Chris

 

[Christoph1945]

So Dad died from cancer 5 months ago and I've been here running the place.

Sometimes things go well and I'm pleased.

Other times something goes wrong and I get dragged down. We have a group of heifers not doing as well as I'd hoped, we have some mastitis issues, builders are in doing the house up so there's that disruption, long hours and down and down I go.

Then I start wondering what if this and what if that which isn't helpful neither.

That is a very tough hand to have been dealt my friend and it sounds like you are actually doing well. When the proverbial hits the fan and you are up to your eyes in it, it isn't always easy to see just how well you are doing. You may find it helpful to sit down and write about your dad, your relationships, and how you felt about his passing. Things said, things left unsaid, and your innermost thoughts about him may look entirely different once you put them to paper but it may cost you a tear or two in the process.

What was your dad like? What did he like? What didn't he like? What were his interests? Can you paint a picture in words for me? I would like to meet your dad; can you introduce me? Sounds a bit silly, I know, but stay with me and give it some thought.

Chris

 

[Alicecow]

@Christoph1945
Well done for acting in time with your wife. Hope she is better very soon.

That's an interesting idea to "introduce me to your folks", it is so easy to assume that 'everyone knows him/her/them', but so often that is not the case, and people change as they go through life. The person that one knows as their parent will often (always?) be known in a different way by others, and even in different ways by each of their children. My friend of 15+ years asked me my parents names, so I told her, but forgot that she wouldn't know their surname because my surname is different. Go to any funeral and you are likely to come away thinking "oh, I didn't know that about them". So your suggestions to @Rossymons is very good and well worth doing. It would also be good to have something like that to keep for future generations to be able to read and get a glimpse of the person.

 

[Alicecow]

@Rossymons

"The Church-English Dictionary" , whilst being tongue in cheek about some things, describes Grief as 'love left over at the end', which I think is a beautiful way to see it.
Grief is not a bad thing, something to be avoided, ignored or denied, rather it is an expression of your love for that person and the positive impact they had in your life. Five months is no time at all. Expect the whole first 12 months to be difficult, but you WILL get through it, you WILL smile again, your family are still there for you and they still love you.

 

[Lili]

Agree with above. I also think that maybe the problems you are having at the moment feel like 'I've let Dad down'
You have suddenly been landed with full responsibility and that is a huge weight of expectation on your shoulders. Try not to be too hard on yourself and you really cannot do more than your best.

 

[Rossymons]

Its not that I feel that i'm letting him down i'm just more uncertain about what happens next.

We're all aware of the problems facing farming so is it wise for me to willingly sign up for a lifetime of that?

Or do I take the exit route now and do what? What if I don't enjoy that? What if i miss the cows too much?

At the minute i'm a tenant and owner occupier as well - if I give it up now I probably won't ever have the chance to do that again. At the minute i'm not even sure what the questions are in my head that need answering.

 

[Big_D]

Its not that I feel that i'm letting him down i'm just more uncertain about what happens next.

We're all aware of the problems facing farming so is it wise for me to willingly sign up for a lifetime of that?

Or do I take the exit route now and do what? What if I don't enjoy that? What if i miss the cows too much?

At the minute i'm a tenant and owner occupier as well - if I give it up now I probably won't ever have the chance to do that again. At the minute i'm not even sure what the questions are in my head that need answering.

For an outsider looking in my advice would be don't worry about the big picture for now, just keep things ticking along and concentrate on looking after yourself. Too big a decision to make at the moment just don't make any large investments that you'd regret if you do follow another path and don't burn your bridge's by giving up tenancies or selling ground. And if you do do any of that, feck it, it doesn't really matter!

 

[Alicecow]

For an outsider looking in my advice would be don't worry about the big picture for now, just keep things ticking along and concentrate on looking after yourself. Too big a decision to make at the moment just don't make any large investments that you'd regret if you do follow another path and don't burn your bridge's by giving up tenancies or selling ground. And if you do do any of that, feck it, it doesn't really matter!

This ^^^^^
Just do the minimum for now, nothing hasty, nothing big, no big changes. Decide to not make any decisions until after the full 12 months, to give yourself breathing space. Write lists of pro's and con's. Talk to your family, they may shed a different light on it: children; partnership with them; future inheritance, etc.
In the end, you have to do what is best for you, but don't be hasty in deciding what that is.
Also, make sure and take time off and have days out away from the farm, otherwise it's too easy to be in a whirling spiral that you can't see a way out of.

 

[Jameshenry]

I feel i should post this here, yesterday was a very dark day , my uncle who i was very close to and lived and farmed next door to me tragically commited suicide , he had suffered from a bad bout of depression a year or so ago but seemed to be on the mend , he had good family, farming friends and neighbours close by , but sadly i think he had just given up on his life, and couldn't for whatever reason reach out for help , such a tragic loss of a humble kind hearted man that will be very much missed by all who knew him

 

[Friesianfan]

I feel i should post this here, yesterday was a very dark day , my uncle who i was very close to and lived and farmed next door to me tragically commited suicide , he had suffered from a bad bout of depression a year or so ago but seemed to be on the mend , he had good family, farming friends and neighbours close by , but sadly i think he had just given up on his life, and couldn't for whatever reason reach out for help , such a tragic loss of a humble kind hearted man that will be very much missed by all who knew him

Sorry for your loss. Very sad to hear

 

[llamedos]

I feel i should post this here, yesterday was a very dark day , my uncle who i was very close to and lived and farmed next door to me tragically commited suicide , he had suffered from a bad bout of depression a year or so ago but seemed to be on the mend , he had good family, farming friends and neighbours close by , but sadly i think he had just given up on his life, and couldn't for whatever reason reach out for help , such a tragic loss of a humble kind hearted man that will be very much missed by all who knew him

So sorry for your loss, look after yourself.

 

[Christoph1945]

James,

I am so deeply sorry that you have lost your uncle to suicide and there is so very little that I can say that will heal the wounds that will be caused to your family by the shock-waves that will have hit you all. Now, more than ever, it is essential to share and talk to each other in the gentlest of ways and if for any reason you good folks find this difficult there are numerous agencies just waiting to listen, support, and help anyone going through depression, supporting those with depression, or just needing a friendly ear at a time of deepest needs.

Because you were so close to your uncle you will be deeply traumatized by what has taken place.

Stay safe, stay well, and above all remember that there are those here that have been through dark days and do care that others should make it safely through their darkest of times.

Chris

 

[Jameshenry]

So sorry for your loss, look after yourself.

James,

I am so deeply sorry that you have lost your uncle to suicide and there is so very little that I can say that will heal the wounds that will be caused to your family by the shock-waves that will have hit you all. Now, more than ever, it is essential to share and talk to each other in the gentlest of ways and if for any reason you good folks find this difficult there are numerous agencies just waiting to listen, support, and help anyone going through depression, supporting those with depression, or just needing a friendly ear at a time of deepest needs.

Because you were so close to your uncle you will be deeply traumatized by what has taken place.

Stay safe, stay well, and above all remember that there are those here that have been through dark days and do care that others should make it safely through their darkest of times.

Chris

Thank you to all for your kind words

 

[Christoph1945]

James,

how are you feeling right now? Sounds like a very stupid question but putting your feelings into words may help you with your thoughts.

Are there others to share the work load on your farm, whilst your mind will be presently distracted?

 

[Jameshenry]

James,

how are you feeling right now? Sounds like a very stupid question but putting your feelings into words may help you with your thoughts.

Are there others to share the work load on your farm, whilst your mind will

James,

how are you feeling right now? Sounds like a very stupid question but putting your feelings into words may help you with your thoughts.

Are there others to share the work load on your farm, whilst your mind will be presently distracted?

I can't really say that i'm okay , at the moment i'm just doing what needs to be done , but checking the stock this morning on the quad was done with watery eyes i don't mind Admitting,
I have friends and neighbours that will help if needed , but at the moment it's okay and gives me something to take my mind off it

 

[Christoph1945]

You have some heavy burdens to carry my friend; not the least of which will be your grief at the loss of your uncle, who you felt so close to.

Perhaps alone, out in an "empty" field, you can cut the engine on the quad and not fight to stem the tears but let them flow. Or even speak the words, out loud, from your heart and ask why.

 

[Alicecow]

You have some heavy burdens to carry my friend; not the least of which will be your grief at the loss of your uncle, who you felt so close to.

Perhaps alone, out in an "empty" field, you can cut the engine on the quad and not fight to stem the tears but let them flow. Or even speak the words, out loud, from your heart and ask why.

You're making me cry now!