Dealing with depression - suicidal thoughts - Join the conversation (including helpline details)

[Lili]

Thanks
Just everything really, weather being terrible, 10 inches deep in mud, everywhere just rivers flowing off the land, sheep looking miserable so going to have to move them a bit later. lost 2 buffalo this month, plus 1 unborn 4-5 month old feotus a calf I sold to a couple down south wales had a seizure the other day and they won't tell me if he made it or not, bearing in mind I reared him from a little baby through sweat and tears/drama. He was gotten by an older animal, which wasn't nice, over food we think. Then we lost my great uncle beginning of Jan after a horrible and agonising battle with cancer, that was horrific! Plus we had the snow which made the ground horrific after.... and then last week we had half a dozen animals come down with mastitis and I felt terrible as I'm responsible for their care when milking, so I quit which caused a massive family row, we all fell out for a time and then patched things up. Then I had a kind of ex bf get back in contact and messaging me, just made me feel like crap that he thinks everything is hunky dory after the way he treated me, trying to be civil but at the same time keeping chatting to a minimum, as he's trying to get into my head again At least it feels that way! Been really worried about my Nan this month too, as shes had horrendous health problems and requires an operation. Yesterday I had to clean out a load of calves and had no support from my brothers, which makes everything 10 times harder, so with everything I just snapped, haven't lost it that bad in some time....
I think I just need a break tbf. May go and visit my Nan this month help her out and such
Thanks for listening and sorry for the ranting

Hope that unloading all that has helped a bit. Seems like you have been suffering from system overload and definitely need some time out. Good idea to visit your Nan as soon as you can as it will give you a break, time with someone you love and I'm sure she will be delighted to see you.

 

[waterbuffalofarmer]

Hi Chris.
No I was never a student, I was homeschooled by my parents and they taught me all I know, my family are religious and we read the Bible every day/study it and try and live our lives by it that and always with my head in a book

 

[waterbuffalofarmer]

Hope that unloading all that has helped a bit. Seems like you have been suffering from system overload and definitely need some time out. Good idea to visit your Nan as soon as you can as it will give you a break, time with someone you love and I'm sure she will be delighted to see you.

Thanks yeah it has helped a lot, thank you for listening, sorry if I rambled on a bit lol.

As a help tho to anyone who is suffering and such I find baking/cookery as great therapy works a treat.

 

[Alicecow]

@waterbuffalofarmer
You've had a dreadful time lately. It's ok to be angry, especially after losing your great uncle the way you did. Don't expect those feelings to pass quickly, but when they come up then let them out. When someone you love dies you don't really ever get over it (a quite dreadful phrase in those circumstances) but you do get through it, & you do that one day, one hour, one minute at a time. There is no formula, no correct timescale. It's a broken heart, not a broken bone.
That everything else has ganged up on you too makes the bereavement worse, but you have to give yourself time and space. You although have to allow others the same, and they have to allow you yours too.
It's very easy to speak hastily at such times. If it's possible try to listen twice and speak once. Always remember, "least said, soonest mended".

Good luck.

 

[Christoph1945]

Waterbuffalofarmer; it was your reply to my misquote of the psalmist and your use of the name 'Dawid' that got me hooked and interested in your educational background. I believed you to be a student of the 'Good Book' and of course you are. Me; I am no longer a religious person but I am a firm believed in God and his willingness to accept us just as we are. Even none believers can find a great deal of sound wisdom in scripture. The Jew started his day at sunset and Paul said do not let the sun go down on your wrath.

Now before I get burned and folk assume that I am pushing religion; I am not. Every day starts with a good nights sleep, or at least it should. Having said that, I started many a day deeply intoxicated with alcohol!

 

[DRC]

Thanks
Just everything really, weather being terrible, 10 inches deep in mud, everywhere just rivers flowing off the land, sheep looking miserable so going to have to move them a bit later. lost 2 buffalo this month, plus 1 unborn 4-5 month old feotus a calf I sold to a couple down south wales had a seizure the other day and they won't tell me if he made it or not, bearing in mind I reared him from a little baby through sweat and tears/drama. He was gotten by an older animal, which wasn't nice, over food we think. Then we lost my great uncle beginning of Jan after a horrible and agonising battle with cancer, that was horrific! Plus we had the snow which made the ground horrific after.... and then last week we had half a dozen animals come down with mastitis and I felt terrible as I'm responsible for their care when milking, so I quit which caused a massive family row, we all fell out for a time and then patched things up. Then I had a kind of ex bf get back in contact and messaging me, just made me feel like crap that he thinks everything is hunky dory after the way he treated me, trying to be civil but at the same time keeping chatting to a minimum, as he's trying to get into my head again At least it feels that way! Been really worried about my Nan this month too, as shes had horrendous health problems and requires an operation. Yesterday I had to clean out a load of calves and had no support from my brothers, which makes everything 10 times harder, so with everything I just snapped, haven't lost it that bad in some time....
I think I just need a break tbf. May go and visit my Nan this month help her out and such
Thanks for listening and sorry for the ranting

Not wanting to pour cold water on your farming asperations , but do you think you are really cut out for livestock farming. It’s no good if it causes all this grief day in day out.
You say you were home schooled, which implies you’ve not mixed that much with other people your age. Maybe you need a spell away from the farm and your family , maybe travelling and working abroad. It might give you a different outlook and even a less stressful career.
If you’ve got livestock , you will always have deadstock from time to time, unfortunately .

 

[waterbuffalofarmer]

Not wanting to pour cold water on your farming asperations , but do you think you are really cut out for livestock farming. It’s no good if it causes all this grief day in day out.
You say you were home schooled, which implies you’ve not mixed that much with other people your age. Maybe you need a spell away from the farm and your family , maybe travelling and working abroad. It might give you a different outlook and even a less stressful career.
If you’ve got livestock , you will always have deadstock from time to time, unfortunately .

Well I've livestock farmed all my life, tbh farming the buffalo has been the best thing really ik I may sound like I'm complaining an awful lot, but it's just been a really horrible month, mostly everything's really good. Plus I've nearly reached my goal of where I want to be, so it would be pointless to give up now, seeing how far I've come forward I wish I could go travelling, but one needs funds to do that and ATM the farm is a big focus, parents need me. But when things are all more certain I will certainly do that. I appreciate your concern tho, but without my animals I may as well just give up. I have friends a bit older than myself who I talk to quite a bit, although rarely see as we just keep putting stuff off tbh. When I was younger we used to go out all the time and play a shed ton of football, alas most of them moved away, got married or went to university...

 

[waterbuffalofarmer]

Waterbuffalofarmer; it was your reply to my misquote of the psalmist and your use of the name 'Dawid' that got me hooked and interested in your educational background. I believed you to be a student of the 'Good Book' and of course you are. Me; I am no longer a religious person but I am a firm believed in God and his willingness to accept us just as we are. Even none believers can find a great deal of sound wisdom in scripture. The Jew started his day at sunset and Paul said do not let the sun go down on your wrath.

Now before I get burned and folk assume that I am pushing religion; I am not. Every day starts with a good nights sleep, or at least it should. Having said that, I started many a day deeply intoxicated with alcohol!

Thanks DW I'm very open to talking about my beliefs I'm sorry that used to be the case, but I'm glad that you came through it fine. Ik how bad alcohol addictions or such can be, some of my friends family have had that, including my brother's ex partner...

 

[Christoph1945]

I used to be a drunkard and can almost remember nights when I couldn't get up out of the gutter. Alcohol can be quite a good anesthetic for emotional heartbreak but when it wears off the pain just returns. Upon finding the truth of Christianity I toned down my alcohol consumption but still had a pint or three.

One night, following a church service, a fellow worshipper was aghast and said " you don't still drink, do you?" I replied yes but in moderation. He frowned in disbelief and we parted company. Walking home, in the dark and huddled against the cold, I secretly turned to God and said that I didn't understand why I had defended my self against the brother's barbed comments and if He (God) wanted me to stop drinking, 'He' would take away my taste for it.

It was several months later when my wife turned to me and said " Chris you haven't been out for a pint in ages; why don't you go out tonight". I declined the invitation and never touched a drop for over ten years.

 

[Old Tip]

That’s some enlightenment @Christoph1945

As you say drink isn’t an answer and can lead to even bigger problems, I used to drink a lot then virtually gave up but when my marriage started breaking up and I couldn’t sleep I turned back to it big stile.
Happily I’m back to being an occasional drinker again but still have times when I have a few.

Farming can be a hard game but it does force you out of bed every day to care for the animals who really on you. You can also have a good moan and a chat with them and they don’t chastise you or make you feel bad about yourself

If god is your counsellor then good on him

 

[BobGreen]

I used to like having a social drink with friends. Hardly ever drink at home
Having gone through a breakup and having a hard time I had to force myself to go out. One night however and with friends toward the end of the evening and for no reason I found myself in floods of tears
Then realised that although alcohol eased the pain it also eventually caused sadness and depression. So although I still force myself to socialise I moderate how much I drink
I saw in the new year in local with a pint of coke in my hand ! It was quite fun to watch how others behaved whilst I was sober !

 

[Christoph1945]

I'm not an abolitionist but believed that at the time it was not for me. Following the ten years total abstinence, I commenced to drink moderately again and then whilst in an RV in the US, with every one asleep, I turned again in prayer and asked for a sign that it was still God's will that I abstain from alcohol. Next morning, upon opening the vehicle foot locker, my case of beer
had been stolen.

This year, I have returned to total abstinence.

I have no religious agenda and would push no denominational angle but I do firmly believe in God. The other year, whilst metal detecting on Talacre sands with a friend, conversation turned to the Exodus story and the parting of the Red Sea. My friend proclaimed that the parting can now 'probably' be put down to a Tsunami caused by the explosion of Santorini. Yes, ses I, but just look at the timing!

 

[North East Crofter]

Hi Folks,

I have noticed this thread but never really felt the need to look on it till this week, my nephew 14 years old took his life this week after school, parents are devastated, both them and the school didn't see any issues, a quiet boy they were up to us for Christmas and he was on good form taking part in the usual Christmas games and stuff.

They live in London so we don't see them that often so can say if there were any changes but no one there can work out why.

Going to be a difficult time for every on but we will just have to be for them.

Look after your self and your family you never know when it will be torn a part.

Best wishes to all.

Gavin

 

[Jameshenry]

Sad

Hi Folks,

I have noticed this thread but never really felt the need to look on it till this week, my nephew 14 years old took his life this week after school, parents are devastated, both them and the school didn't see any issues, a quiet boy they were up to us for Christmas and he was on good form taking part in the usual Christmas games and stuff.

They live in London so we don't see them that often so can say if there were any changes but no one there can work out why.

Going to be a difficult time for every on but we will just have to be for them.

Look after your self and your family you never know when it will be torn a part.

Best wishes to all.

Gavin

Very sad to hear that , i lost an uncle to suicide back in sept , that was bad enough for the family to cope with , can't imagine losing someone at such a young age , my thoughts go out to you and your family

 

[polk_farmer]

Hi Folks,

I have noticed this thread but never really felt the need to look on it till this week, my nephew 14 years old took his life this week after school, parents are devastated, both them and the school didn't see any issues, a quiet boy they were up to us for Christmas and he was on good form taking part in the usual Christmas games and stuff.

They live in London so we don't see them that often so can say if there were any changes but no one there can work out why.

Going to be a difficult time for every on but we will just have to be for them.

Look after your self and your family you never know when it will be torn a part.

Best wishes to all.

Gavin

So sorry to hear that, such a young age. I lost my brother to suicide last year, he was 22. Feel free to PM me if you need to vent at someone who knows what you are going through.

 

[Alicecow]

Hi Folks,

I have noticed this thread but never really felt the need to look on it till this week, my nephew 14 years old took his life this week after school, parents are devastated, both them and the school didn't see any issues, a quiet boy they were up to us for Christmas and he was on good form taking part in the usual Christmas games and stuff.

They live in London so we don't see them that often so can say if there were any changes but no one there can work out why.

Going to be a difficult time for every on but we will just have to be for them.

Look after your self and your family you never know when it will be torn a part.

Best wishes to all.

Gavin

So very sorry to hear this. Can't imagine what you're going through. Stick together and be there for each other, it's a long road ahead of you all.
Thinking of you.
Take care.

 

[Christoph1945]

I am a stranger and yet you have just struck to the depths of my heart. I didn't know the boy and yet the loss of him fills me with sadness that a child should take his own life. I know no words that can ease his parents grief but hope that you closeness will be a support for them.

Just be prepared to be there and listen.

 

[Old Tip]

So, so sad for your family, the pain and if onlys, will go on for a long time and never really go away. I don’t know it they are religious or not but talking to someone who will Lisbon and not judge or ask questions will be a help

 

[North East Crofter]

Sad

Very sad to hear that , i lost an uncle to suicide back in sept , that was bad enough for the family to cope with , can't imagine losing someone at such a young age , my thoughts go out to you and your family

Thanks for your thoughts, we are just taking it as it goes have a good family up here for support.

 

[North East Crofter]

So very sorry to hear this. Can't imagine what you're going through. Stick together and be there for each other, it's a long road ahead of you all.
Thinking of you.
Take care.

Thanks for your thoughts, I am close to my sister but don't speak as often as we should, going to change that from now with other family as well.