Dealing with depression - suicidal thoughts - Join the conversation.

Discussion in 'Agricultural Matters' started by Andyrob, Jun 21, 2013.

  1. Christoph1945

    Christoph1945 Member

    Location:
    Cheshire
    Made the mistake of not keeping to low alcohol intake and let the wheat-free diet slip, so have been paying the price for the last couple of mornings and feeling the anxiety and depression creeping in. Unlike forty years ago; I know where the seeds of my trouble are seated and will be back on an even keel within the next day or so. Just keeping away from alcohol, caffeine, and gluten keeps things in perspective. Sounds strange, I know!

    The short daylight hours have been a pain and interfere with my getting out on the coast, but having been retired for the last six years, I am not too bothered by the short days. I do feel sorry for you folk that have to squeeze more work into shorter daylight hours.

    IHA; what would happen if you stopped paddling and went with the flow?
     
    Osca likes this.
  2. IHA

    IHA Member

    Location:
    Fife
    Christoph , the way I feel today if I stopped paddling I'd be over the edge unfortunately.
     
    willy likes this.
  3. choochter

    choochter Member

    Location:
    aberdeenshire
    if there was something I could say or do to make you feel better, I would but I dont know what to.
    but I would imagine there is a collective ethernet tff hug going out from the folks who keepup with this thread
     
    Osca, glow worm, Alicecow and 11 others like this.
  4. Christoph1945

    Christoph1945 Member

    Location:
    Cheshire
    As Choochter says; it's difficult to know what to say that may be of assistance to you. I'm guessing that you are very very angry. I'm deeply sorry to hear that you and your Mrs have gone separate ways and can't help but wonder what may have gone wrong. Have you considered talking to one of the support agencies and airing your situation with them?

    How has your separation affected your farming and your ability to function on a day to day basis and how is it affecting the rest of the family?

    Alas, too many questions; I know. Forgive me if I offend you.
     
  5. glasshouse

    glasshouse Member

    Location:
    lothians
    The new year brings hope of a fresh start, lengthening days, the first snowdrops .The old year is cast aside like an old pr of shoes to gather dust in a cupboard, while the new year is welcomed in with a dram and promise of what might be.
     
  6. IHA

    IHA Member

    Location:
    Fife
    Thanks for all your kind words! Christoph I've kept on top of my feelings so it hasn't really affected my farming operations!! Yes the odd mistake, even folk in the best frame of mind make them I've got two great sons who opted to stay with their Dad. The eldest one is in New Zealand working at the moment, so I am missing him as well. Just need to try and keep my chin up and soldier on I suppose.
     
  7. Christoph1945

    Christoph1945 Member

    Location:
    Cheshire
    Pleased to hear that IHA. Sounds like you still have a lot going for you and you are managing to soldier on. Of course, out feelings, doubts, and emotions can all interfere with our concentration and make safe working that bit more difficult. Talking through our deep feelings with a trusted listener can provide us with a much needed safety valve, when our minds are under pressure and we are suffering wounds of the heart and mind.

    Stay safe, stay well, and may you experience swift healing for your needs.

    Chris :)
     
  8. thatlldaespot

    thatlldaespot Member

    @IHA - it's hellish tough, isn't it, the first Christmas after any sort of life-changer like that. But hey, you've made it, you've come out the other side, and yes, the days are lengthening and we can soon look forward to the spring. Be kind to yourself, put a wee bit of every day aside to do something you enjoy. There is life after horrible splits like that, and believe me, the sun will shine again. 'Here's tae us, wha's like us, damn few an' they're a' deid.' Wishing you all the very best for 2017.:)
     
    Alicecow and KennyO like this.
  9. IHA

    IHA Member

    Location:
    Fife
    Thank you, thatlldaespot. Seeing the new year in without my wife of nearly 22 years was hard going but onwards and upwards as they say.
     

  10. If I put up current pictures of the wife that chose to leave some 15 years back and of mrs cz who took the plunge to commit to a life with me some 12 years back, you would see there certainly can be a silver lining(y):)
     
  11. Old John

    Old John Member

    Location:
    N E Suffolk
    My concentration wasn't where it should have been in March. I drilled spring barley all day with several blocked coulters. Tears in your eyes don't help.
    Mrs OJ decided the previous October, when I was hoping for a bit of time together after harvest and drilling, that she wanted to do her "own thing" after forty years of marriage. That took the wind out of my sails a bit. I had no idea that she felt that way, or why. Still don't really know.
    She left on Dec 10th. I tried my hardest to try to get her to stay, but by the end of March I had to give up, after counselling for myself and as a couple, for my own sanity.
    The good news is that I've just spent a wonderful Christmas and new year with a lovely lady who came unexpectedly into my life.
    I know I have been very lucky. This time last year I really didn't think there was any point in going on, but now have everything to live for.
     
  12. Christoph1945

    Christoph1945 Member

    Location:
    Cheshire
    There is always a point in going on but sometimes the tears blind us to the prospects. Would you recomend councelling to others?
     

  13. After the break up of my marriage (thankfully a lot of years ago now) I went for counselling and it was a great benefit to myself. Probably wouldn't still be here if I hadn't. I was lucky with the counsellor that's for sure and I think that is the crux, you need to click or else I think it could make things worse.
     
    Alicecow likes this.
  14. IHA

    IHA Member

    Location:
    Fife
    I was going to ask the same if counselling helped! That's good that things worked out for you in the end " Old John".
     
  15. Old John

    Old John Member

    Location:
    N E Suffolk
    I found it quite helpful. I had such self doubt, but by talking things through with my personal councellor, I realised I was not as bad as I thought I might be, which helped me carry on. It was the anxiety that really got to me, not knowing if or when, my wife
    would return.
    The marriage councellor, when my wife and I, had decided it was all over, said that although it would not feel like it at that moment, I could be proud of myself, as I could not have done more to save the marriage. It didn't help much as that moment, but it has helped when I've looked back since.
    So, yes, I would recommend counselling. It's good to talk to people who do not judge you, but can give tips on how to cope when life seems so bleak.
     
    Alicecow and willy like this.
  16. Christoph1945

    Christoph1945 Member

    Location:
    Cheshire
    Sadly when our good ladies are going through the change of life, it can seriously upset their psychological state of mind and put a great strain on marital relationships. If one isn't aware of this being the situation and takes reactions on face value and responds likewise, it can be like striking a match in a room full of air and petrol fumes.

    Good medical advice, medication, and good counselling can help folk to navigate through a major psychological mine field.
     
  17. Old John

    Old John Member

    Location:
    N E Suffolk
    Unfortunately, Mrs OJ, didn't think that she needed counselling herself and didn't see anybody until it was all over. I'm not sure that it would have made any difference, I think her mind was made up, right from the start.
    Unfortunately she doesn't seem very happy now either, although she says she is, when I've asked.
     
  18. JWL

    JWL Member

    Location:
    Hereford
    It was damned difficult and hit me hard when my wife walked out, it was a hell of a shock and was quick from her saying she was unhappy to moving out, less than a month.
    I had come out of farming a couple of years earlier due to the constant long hours which she was finding it hard to cope with when there were 2 young boys with the eldest being autistic. To make ends meet I had started working the odd week away from home, respite for the eldest was unavailable and her post natal depression gradually got worse.
    I lay no blame at her for wanting to step off the roundabout for a while but she got caught up with some tosser that promised her the world and she got ground down into a worse position than she was. She recently realised where she was and has made the move to get away and is back on her own allbeit in a park home on an old fogeys site but at least she can start getting her head back together.
    We were the best of friends before we married and during our marriage we dealt with loads of crap but we came through, we're still the best of friends now and I will still do anything to help, I've just got back from sorting her car out, took the boys to see her while I changed a collapsed wheel bearing as she didn't know which garage in her area wouldn't try to rip her off.
    Yes I would have her back home but only if she was comfortable as she is allways on a guilt trip that she hasn't been around to help with the boys growing up, the eldest has been all through the SEN schools and is now at a specialist Needs College. The youngest has gone from primary school to him about to take his GCSE'S in the next couple of months.
    I have had some pretty damned dark days trying to work out where I went wrong, it took me untill my thirties to find the one person I wanted to be with then 14 years later she walked away. There haven't been any relationships since, for one having a child with special needs is one hell of a piece of baggage to take into a relationship plus, even though I wasn't aware that I put her on a pedestal, there just hasn't been anyone to "float my boat"
    It's been a bloody tough last six and half years but I'm still going but with knowing that Josh isn't going to miraculously start talking and look after himself safely then there's not going to be much change in the future and that's a bloody bleak outlook!
     
    Flossie likes this.
  19. Christoph1945

    Christoph1945 Member

    Location:
    Cheshire
    Sadly, human relationships can be sucth volatile things at times and unfortunately we are not taught anything about how to build and retain them in good order. It can be all very hit n miss. Come to that, we were never taught anything about parenting!

    Ok, I know that we should learn at home by example; but what if?
     
    Last edited: Jan 3, 2017
  20. Have been reading this thread,very interesting and sad stories. A lot of people in this world that are happy and a joker on the outside,but crying for help on the inside. Although you never think it,there are far more people worse off than yourself.
     

Share This Page