diary of a comedy sheep farm

[yellowbelly]

you're going to have to help us here....PLF

Palestine Liberation Front

I'm guessing it's some sort of East Anglian shorthand for the Tractor Boys ?

 

[spin cycle]

you're going to have to help us here....PLF......PL is I am guessing Paul Lambert ?.....dare I ask on a polite forum what the F is...?

see your thinking but it actually stands for 'plucky little fellows'....sorta backhanded compliment

ps....i see stoke have finally got to six goals

 

[delilah]

sorta backhanded compliment

oh, I see, a bit like when we go to Carrow road and sing "You're just a small town in Ipswich"

 

[spin cycle]

SUNDAY

a serene morning pottering about....it didn't last

did the sheep.....took battery off combine to charge.....little fettle on welgar while lambs pens were being watered......plan was to go to lidl (flowers for mrs spin + few supplies for mum) have early/long lunch then combine

got home....boy + dude about = opportunity to good to miss....i drag them up farm and we put 300 tiles in little stacks on fresh felt ready for re tiling.....see small hole in new membrane

we get home....her highness is in a panic....'grandma is coming over to make sure the place is tidy for mum' .......cue lots of headless chicken running about.....dude stacks dishwasher but we've no tabs.......i just start it going anyway.....her highness enters..'there is a whole new bag of dishwasher tabs'......dude 'i thought they were washing powder blocks'....i keep stum....i'd used one washing my shorts/shirts and pants on wednesday

'grandma' arrives and informs me fil is heading over with the baler....glad to escape i leave.....meet fil....make start....problems.....he's piped it up wrong...back door not locked...block......net wrap won't run...i fix that.......swath seems to big....it can't be....baler blocks.....i'm puzzling how pick up reel wheels arn't on ground....'thought so&so showed you how to work it' i quiz fil....'not really...i think i had more idea' he replies.....i find a strap holding up pick up reel....apparently bloke who delivered said 'i've locked it up'....then we have a heavy shower

we retire...i go to lidl....bit of banter with lad on till...'security' he calls........her highness is off to cuddles' cos mrs spin's ex boss is driving them home and staying a few days and nabbing her room.....much as like mrs spins ex boss ...i might go to cuddles' to

 

[spin cycle]

more of the same ......sometimes i wonder if writing this diary is making me behave more chaotically

right......spk has work to do that i can't help with,,,,K is in for sheep....i head off to combine with charged batt.....connect it up....cranks slowly then stops....bad connection......clean terminals.....the positive connector is cracked......gonna be a bitch to replace ...even if screws come undone they've soldered the end....i need a plan......easy start......i'll go to garage....post bills....get some easy start......back at the yard spk hails....he wants some sofit board thingy.....where the felt meets the wall they'll be dpc/ ply/membrane/sofit/cement/tile......add bakers of holt to list.....off i go.....at garage no easy start....on way home...eureka....arkwrights......granville and annie on duty....granville sells me the easy start...i spot some jump leads...'i'll take those' i say...'you can't have those they're arkwrights' laughs granville....i 'borrow' them

back at the yard dude has arrived and is tidying up.....i head off to combine....get her started.....K,in the distance,is repairing leccy fence...apparently somebody disconnected the power and the main mob were browsing next door .....as soon as they heard the mule the all ran back....quite sweet really


i leave combine running....get back to yard.....dude and i devise a novel idea to get old tiles down from the scaffolding.....spk is very amused.....our breakage rate hits 10%....spk suggests a modification and rate reduces to zero.....i remember combine is still running.....dude departs for lunch....i go combining........big news ....i finish ....@flat 10 .....not much corn...it's the grassy straw i'm after (bit was undersown)......get combine near yard in reach of batt booster

lunch....just pondering next move when fil arrives to go baling.....we scratch heads....make an adjustment or two....head off....i take a nash with the intention of rolling swath down in front of baler.. but it doesn't help....does seem slightly better for our tinkering though.....i'm off to get welgar just to see how she fares......she manages the swath albeit slowly but i run outta string......meanwhile the jd 592 (aka 'sicknote') is having a nightmare....blocking/not tying....feckin useless heap.....i implore fil to stop....i didn't want to be accused of abusing a 75 yr old ......eventually at 5:30 i succeed.....whatta mess.....gonna have to clear that up tommoz

 

[primmiemoo]

Sicknote the Tractor

 

[Flat 10]

Sicknote the Tractor

Baler- "From the yard of many bargains" pay attention at the back...

 

[Flat 10]

Big bargain as you may have gathered

 

[primmiemoo]

Baler- "From the yard of many bargains" pay attention at the back...

[Hangs head in embarrassment]

But it sed JD, sur, an oi fough' i' ment tractor ...

 

[spin cycle]

I WANT A DULL EPISODE

so today plan was to finish the baling.....last thing i wanted was a field of wet straw with everything else going on.....outta string though.....to YOMB......they've one rather manky pack left......talk to MS about the 592......he's puzzled.......anyway i take my string and go to case dealer....he's no string......i head home....fit string and off to the bit i combined yesterday....do that.....back in yard i have to wait while mum and K are off checking sheep cos we're expecting scaffs for other side of the roof....i have a bitta bacon.toast and tom....coffee + rollie......quick look/fettle round welgar.....they get back....dead ewe at bale.....off i go to field of straw i've bought......17 windrows left + 6 bales to rebale.......by lunch there were 4 windrows + brokens left but i was outta string.....welgar doing really well considering she's 30 yrs old with 1.5 m pick up behind 20ft tucanno......'i might do her up over the winter' thinks i

lunch.....thurlow nunn standen have some string at sculthorpe so off i go.....when i get back dude is waiting......we head up to field him on mule.....i explain about turning broken bales into windrows....i start baling.....THEN.....on last windrow.....50 yds to go.....i have tying issue....fiddle about....get back on tractor....just ejecting bale.....top left of baler....FLAMES......i try to drop baler off but it won't....executive decision....in these situations i now realise all you can do is what your 'gut' tells you.....mine was to make for the sheep water 200m away....i make it.....the baler's not burning just chaff.....two buckets she's out......race back home....dump baler......cultivator on......back to field......the cultivator stops the fire in it's tracks......my neighbour ,who's combining beans next field and dude are beating the hedge in one corner.....30 mins have elapsed......20 bales are alight.......fire engine arrives.....'you've done a good job' says 'incident chappie'........i beg to differ....so many things i coulda done better......lesson learn't......later i'm reproaching myself....fire extinguisher for one......dude disagrees....'the bale was well alight....nothing you could do apart from pull baler clear'......fireman wants to know where tractor and baler are as they were reported 'on fire'.....'tractor is there' i point 'baler is in grass field'......he wants me to check baler... i go home....get some water go to her......dowse the smoldering bits.....i can't feel a hot bearing or anything......later boy goes down with more water

coulda been a lot worse...but a sobering escapade none the less.....i'm not gonna complain about a bitta wet straw anymore

 

[yellowbelly]

.FLAMES

It's a bit scary when that happens isn't it - had a few close shaves myself over the years. One of our lads (we used to do a fair bit of contracting back in the day) managed to burn out a JD 550 in our worst incident.
Fortunately he had the presence of mind to get it onto a stone road and get the tractor off it.

 

[Flat 10]

I WANT A DULL EPISODE

so today plan was to finish the baling.....last thing i wanted was a field of wet straw with everything else going on.....outta string though.....to YOMB......they've one rather manky pack left......talk to MS about the 592......he's puzzled.......anyway i take my string and go to case dealer....he's no string......i head home....fit string and off to the bit i combined yesterday....do that.....back in yard i have to wait while mum and K are off checking sheep cos we're expecting scaffs for other side of the roof....i have a bitta bacon.toast and tom....coffee + rollie......quick look/fettle round welgar.....they get back....dead ewe at bale.....off i go to field of straw i've bought......17 windrows left + 6 bales to rebale.......by lunch there were 4 windrows + brokens left but i was outta string.....welgar doing really well considering she's 30 yrs old with 1.5 m pick up behind 20ft tucanno......'i might do her up over the winter' thinks i

lunch.....thurlow nunn standen have some string at sculthorpe so off i go.....when i get back dude is waiting......we head up to field him on mule.....i explain about turning broken bales into windrows....i start baling.....THEN.....on last windrow.....50 yds to go.....i have tying issue....fiddle about....get back on tractor....just ejecting bale.....top left of baler....FLAMES......i try to drop baler off but it won't....executive decision....in these situations i now realise all you can do is what your 'gut' tells you.....mine was to make for the sheep water 200m away....i make it.....the baler's not burning just chaff.....two buckets she's out......race back home....dump baler......cultivator on......back to field......the cultivator stops the fire in it's tracks......my neighbour ,who's combining beans next field and dude are beating the hedge in one corner.....30 mins have elapsed......20 bales are alight.......fire engine arrives.....'you've done a good job' says 'incident chappie'........i beg to differ....so many things i coulda done better......lesson learn't......later i'm reproaching myself....fire extinguisher for one......dude disagrees....'the bale was well alight....nothing you could do apart from pull baler clear'......fireman wants to know where tractor and baler are as they were reported 'on fire'.....'tractor is there' i point 'baler is in grass field'......he wants me to check baler... i go home....get some water go to her......dowse the smoldering bits.....i can't feel a hot bearing or anything......later boy goes down with more water

coulda been a lot worse...but a sobering escapade none the less.....i'm not gonna complain about a bitta wet straw anymore

I bet you needed more than 1 rollie after that!! Scary.

 

[spin cycle]

Big bargain as you may have gathered

shut up .......reckon i'll have to buy 'sicknote' now

 

[spin cycle]

i literally felt like a bit of stale toast today ......anyhoo have some yard jobs to do then K and i head off to retrieve dead ewe......the scaffs are there.....spk doing tiles/ flashing on chimney north side....then he carries remaining old tiles down 10 at a time taking 10 new back up ....he's 2yr older than me....makes me feel so lightweight.....it rains....spk has a cuppa tea we head indoors to look around our 'project'....'it's lovely but there's hellava lotta work to do'......that cheers me up......but then some modification i'm worrying about he reckons is no bother...'chippie can do that.....have you ordered resta the rooflights...he's coming friday'.....me.....in what universe will we be ready for that by friday....anyhow rain stops we go about our work.....i pop home with tractor to pick up straw trailer with pallets/ply ex cuddles party stage.....also get ladder cos scaffs have forgot to bring one to leave us

back in the yard i'm unloading trailer when fil and cat turn up to get his tractor + jd592.....fil and snr scaff instantly hail each other.....golfing buddies.....so thats that for 1/2 hour.....it's all 'foursomes'....'whippy shafts and 'drop balls'.......i talk to cat about yesterdays drama......eventually fil asserts 'i'm taking baler back'....he's decided against just as i was coming round to the idea....i think given time /experience she'd been ok but MS at YOMB doesn't want us to have it if we're not 100% happy....he has another coming in so we'll see.....scaffs finish and depart

spk has found the ropiest pallet he can for the old tiles.....i get a better one and gingerly stack 'ropey' onto it ......lunch

after lunch boy arrives and helps spk and i remove tiles from south side of house....i'd got the scaffs to extend the scaffolding a bit...it means i can get teleporter close enough to lob broken tiles/masonary into the bucket.....boy is toppa roof sliding tiles down.....spk catching/sorting....i'm doing last 5 rows + carting broken tiles away to bucket.......teleporter is fully up extended with grain bucket on....yesterdays escapade has made me mindful that perhaps i need to be a little less 'gung ho'.....the bucket starts to fill.....there are approx 1000 tiles but many are ok....perhaps 3-400 bad? so @ 1kg each it should be ok.......it is........tiles clear, boy starts to brush felt.....spk chiseling gable masonary....i'm concerned we've not enough timber and treatment....i was going to cultivate in stubble ash.....but i divert to thackos.....they reckon they're to busy tommoz am to cut my timber....i say i'll leave it....chap relents and does it there/then .......he's off to lanzarote next day....'there ...thats your pre holiday good deed' i say

back at farm... boy & spk has gone home......but 'evo' is in the yard....'evo' lives in village but dad has pig farm in nearby village....he splits his time between that and gardening......'alright alright' i say 'come to take pee about my baler bbq'....he knows nothing about it....turns out he's some garden customers with paddocks i may be interested in....he also says he'll have some spare straw next winter if i'm short which is kind

 

[robbie]

I WANT A DULL EPISODE

so today plan was to finish the baling.....last thing i wanted was a field of wet straw with everything else going on.....outta string though.....to YOMB......they've one rather manky pack left......talk to MS about the 592......he's puzzled.......anyway i take my string and go to case dealer....he's no string......i head home....fit string and off to the bit i combined yesterday....do that.....back in yard i have to wait while mum and K are off checking sheep cos we're expecting scaffs for other side of the roof....i have a bitta bacon.toast and tom....coffee + rollie......quick look/fettle round welgar.....they get back....dead ewe at bale.....off i go to field of straw i've bought......17 windrows left + 6 bales to rebale.......by lunch there were 4 windrows + brokens left but i was outta string.....welgar doing really well considering she's 30 yrs old with 1.5 m pick up behind 20ft tucanno......'i might do her up over the winter' thinks i

lunch.....thurlow nunn standen have some string at sculthorpe so off i go.....when i get back dude is waiting......we head up to field him on mule.....i explain about turning broken bales into windrows....i start baling.....THEN.....on last windrow.....50 yds to go.....i have tying issue....fiddle about....get back on tractor....just ejecting bale.....top left of baler....FLAMES......i try to drop baler off but it won't....executive decision....in these situations i now realise all you can do is what your 'gut' tells you.....mine was to make for the sheep water 200m away....i make it.....the baler's not burning just chaff.....two buckets she's out......race back home....dump baler......cultivator on......back to field......the cultivator stops the fire in it's tracks......my neighbour ,who's combining beans next field and dude are beating the hedge in one corner.....30 mins have elapsed......20 bales are alight.......fire engine arrives.....'you've done a good job' says 'incident chappie'........i beg to differ....so many things i coulda done better......lesson learn't......later i'm reproaching myself....fire extinguisher for one......dude disagrees....'the bale was well alight....nothing you could do apart from pull baler clear'......fireman wants to know where tractor and baler are as they were reported 'on fire'.....'tractor is there' i point 'baler is in grass field'......he wants me to check baler... i go home....get some water go to her......dowse the smoldering bits.....i can't feel a hot bearing or anything......later boy goes down with more water

coulda been a lot worse...but a sobering escapade none the less.....i'm not gonna complain about a bitta wet straw anymore

Having lost my baler on the side of the 47 earlier in the year I know what it's like @spincycle. Very scary. I recon the boys who put yours out did mine aswell , I'd give them a practice run!!!
I had two from dereham aswell as swaffham and fakenham. I think one from lynn was on route but got called off.
The fire chief didn't know what to make of me when he said about lifting all covers to hose it down and I said "never mind that it's the a#se of my trousers which need hosing down after that scare!!!![emoji16]

I also had MS from YOMB round trying to flog me another baler?????

 

[spin cycle]

productive but knackering day.....no change there then

i couldn't see how spk's plan to strip roof.....repair timbers where needed....treat all timber....re felt and batten the south side of the roof could be done in a day....the only chance,as i saw it, was if i had the roof stripped to the chimney before he arrived....he start timber repairs while i continue to strip....dude arrives 9am to finish stripping while i start treating behind spk....i'm on the roof at 7am

spk arrives 7:30 am...he's ahead of me....he's organised some 'cavalry' in the shape of 'chippie' and his son...'little chippie'.....they start timber repairs....it's soon clear that even with yesterdays timber purchase we've not enough.....dude arrives.....he's detailed to help spk finish roof stripping.....i'm off for more timber...fixings...wood treatment....dpc

thackos are short staffed but they've got the very timber i want already cut.....on way out i notice their truck has it's lights on.....i go back....lad comes out...'did you have a little fire the other day?'he says...turns out he was driving second fire engine....small world...thackos don't stock dpc though so builders merchants holt.....get home.....roof is stripped....dude is clearing up....spk treating timber ......spk laughs..'hope you got plenty a fuel cos you got 6'' dpc...we need 18'' strip' FECK..FECK..FECK

back home with right dpc....i'd forgotten 'pigeon boss' and 'f**k f**k' had asked if they could have a tonne of pigeon food delivered+stored...they pick up as needed....shifting 50 x 20kg bags off a pallet dumped on the road is getting to much for them....this way i forklift into grainstore and they pick up few bags at a time...anyway food has arrived but i need forklift to put away....slight panic as i mislay forklift keys....find keys...put pallet away....ring 'pigeon boss'...he comes to get some later


dude has departed,,,,boys on lunch.....i continue wood treating....spk has nicknamed me 'nimble toes' ...an ironic but sadly true description.....but i overcome my inadequacies through guile and determination....so i get on.....lads get first run of felt on,,,,i'm perched right at top of roof when mum calls.....'mrs spin' wants me.....turns out window supplier hasn't enough of the type i'd ordered....'substitute or wait'.....i opt to to substitute.....now i have one window as a sample....chippie seems happy with it and he and spk are cutting out/noggin'in ready....i have 5 more on order......now i'm finishing off treating at end of roof but they've not cut a hole in last 'bay'.....'don't forget this one' i say.....'we've already cut 6 holes out' spk replies.....quick re appraisal....i actually need seven windows

5pm....we finish up.....7:30pm neighbour calls....bogey + snottete in lane

 

[spin cycle]

tired...abridged version

forgot i had vat to do.....................................................................FECK
spk able to work on roof as not to much rain......................GOOD
local butcher phones wants two ewes monday...................HANDY
remember i've dead ewe on trailer...........................................DOH
nominate mcenroe +1 for butcher....mum vetos.................BLAST
take ewe into 'naaam...get on well with vat...........................PHEW
write diary whilst eating peaches and condensed milk.....HEAVEN

 

[spin cycle]

OPERATION STRAW CART

saturday

cracking on with roof last week...but spk will be back monday demanding supplies/attention......i want to get the wheat straw i've bought off my neighbours field with min mess.....so a dry weekend...gotta get to it

held up first thing....it's her highness' birthday......20 years ago i was hedge cutting top meadow...mother in law called....hour to the hospital then 30 mins later out she popped ...covered in poo with unbilical cord tangled round..she doesn't rise til 9am.....birthday brekkie....get to farm at 10 am....K and mum doing rounds.....i take tractor trailer to straw field and catch lift home

now... i only have one servicable straw trailer but i also have and old 4 wheel trailer which is ok apart from no floor....no roads involved so plan is to put some scaffold boards on and use.....get em laid on....to stop them moving i'm gonna use a ratchet strap....but they'll need some drill fixings...i take a step back thinking....straight into 'the fat spaniels revenge'...where are the fixings i want?...on the scaffolding....no way i can get them now....spk won't appreciate doggy doo on the ladder rungs ....i manage without

the 'plan' is i have trailer A in the field.....take forklift F to field and load A....drive A to yard....return to field with trailer B....load that then take F back to yard....unload A and return to field.....bring B home...unload...then take F back to field....and so on....got it....i'm going to stack some of the straw in polytunnel thus acting as scaffold for re covering....it works well but i have to knock off at 3pm.....cos it's her highness' birthday bbq at 4pm at 'grandmas'

sunday

FECK...i've calculated the vat but not submitted it.....i blame arkwright.....he has a sign saying 'we sell everything' but i needed a calculator t'other day and he didn't have one....fair put me of my stride it did...anyhow vat was submitted at 8:18am thats 8 hrs and 18 mins past latest deadline....i figure they don't work weekends....but on the other hand if it's all computer perhaps no-one ever sees it

at farm mum and i do rounds....liveries getting a bit mutinous as their water tank is empty....they'll have to wait cos they empty their tubs out daily and replace with fresh....i'm fed up with carting them water to tip away.....just about to go straw carting and our guests hail me....heatings not working.....i tinker but it's engineer job monday....feck....another bill....i get them some leccy oil rads for meantime

go straw carting....should be an enjoyable job but worrying about heating...getting tired doesn't help...nor does the cricket.....up and down the lane i go....two of our lambs are out...tormenting me......eventually they go into a copse...i follow them and find a bow down on the fence....i'm moving them tommoz anyway......get to last load....just 4 bales remaining plus a half wrapped one.....i figure it'll ride on top of the four better than the 'gappy floor' of trailer B.....going home i'm gripped to the cricket....it's not til i get off the tractor that i notice the broken bale is gone .....i get grain bucket and head off....there it is in lane .....two trips and it's cleared up.....finally parking up forklift i trudge up the yard....my step is interrupted by something squidgy and smelly.....THAT FECKING SPANIEL

 

[spin cycle]

9th SEPTEMBER

momentous day for boy and dude.....boy starts his induction for teacher training at UEA.....dude starts his induction for a job at a local care farm


i'm shagged but at farm 7:30 putting up a scaffold tower for 'logistical support' for roof......no spk though....even by 9am....he's not coming i reckon.....K is in ...she and mum trundling round sheep...but we have a mob to move.....we leave this til last

every year around this time i have 'turnip barns' sewage plant emptied before i wash it......this counts as a service in the eyes of the company who installed it....i remember watching him....there was much coming/going but that was all he did ...for £250 .....next year i had a pigeon fancier m8 from norwich do it....he did same but didn't charge me.......neither of them looked at the pump which,this morning, i wasn't happy with.....i pop home....google.....apparently there's a service kit and it should be done every 18 months....i order one

we're moving sheep across the lane just as the slurry tanker arrives ....he stops....i call the sheep....they hear me 2 fields away and come....'they're well trained' laughs the tractor driver.....if only he knew the horrible truth

back with turnip barn...we called our heating engineers....the air source heat pump was fitted before their time ...they have a helpful specialist....i've tinkered some more to no avail....when he comes he reckons it's refrigeration.....guess what .......they're one of those products which need two specialists....heat and fridge.....trouble is which bit is at fault......in the end i phone company that imports them....their head technician is portugese guy 'juan'....he is really good.....i mean sh!t hot jobwise.....only trouble is i don't particularly rate the companies products, it's a £350 call out and juan is having kidney stones out wed and won't be back in action til later next week.......but at least they can do both bits....our current guests are warm enough.... next wks are contacted

dude had a bit of a setback.....missing a bank statement he hasn't the correct paperwork for his induction course.....he now has to wait a fortnight for the next one.......he's ear bashing everybody over at fil's.....mrs spin phones 'can he come over and do something for you?'

 

[spin cycle]

so lets 'appraise' my 'readership' ......sunday i tread in dog poo = 12 likes.......monday a highly 'informative' piece on air source pumps and sewerage plants= 2 likes......good now and again to 'take stock'

spk rings 7:30....he's not coming again today but will be with us tommoz and rest of week

second thing it's off to cromer hospital to see about 'boris' (wart on my forearm).....they're running a little late.....but its ok by me ....i see this large ungainly man walking about....now i'm ungainly but this was different....he walked like he was burdened by a huge intelligence as if all bodily movements were secondary to keeping his brain at full capacity.....turned out he was my man.....he examines boris...i also show him rees-mogg on my leg and jeremy on my shoulder....the latter disinterest him....TBH boris disinterests him....we talk
'what do you do' doc
'farmer'......me...i know you'd probably say that was a bit disingenuous but cut me a little slack
' youngest farmer i've seen' he says 'their children won't do it'
'i know' i reply
'tbh i don't want my children to go into medicine.....are you allergic to anything?' doc
'bureaucracy' says i
'arnt we all' he agrees laconically
i notice his hand writing....god it's bad....he must be really good

upshot is he doesn't think boris is much...but because i work in shirt sleeves outside he thinks it better gone....only trouble is officially i'm not supposed to work for a month afterwards ...he reckons fortnight in reality

back home i rustle up dude and we fence the grass field at fil's.....i really need to go thru the lambs ASAP ...worm....prob fly....tag + move .......next priority after roof now....we finish at 3pm.....back to farm and we get most off the old tiles off the south scaffolding

oh and the fat spaniel didn't get me today?