diary of a comedy sheep farm

robbie

Member
BASIS
thursday

another quiet day....pottering around...sorting stuff and watering everything as they all seem to be run dry at once :rolleyes: ...anyhoo i've 'cleared the decks' for a better day tomorrow.....hopefully:rolleyes:

SOooo...a little 'story' evolved in my head today....the sort that might be background to a D&D adventure....you'll have to 'endure' it like it or not😁

all was not well in the dalestown and the surrounding area.....usually a bustling thriving town surrounded by fertile farm and pasture land a 'shadow had been cast'....the trouble emanated from the hills to the west....largely uninhabited the only relic was a former mining village...a brief dwarven 'gold rush' that ended more or less as it started

goblins had been raiding the outta villages......the militia had been doing a reasonable job until things took a turn for the worse.....first a red headed child was snatched from a village then one night the town of dale itself was raided ....the raiders had stronger warriors amongst them (orcs)....they'd attempted to kidnap another red headed child...failed.. but had carried off the mayor's adopted son ........pursued by the militia the trail led to an old mineshaft in the hills......entering they were soon driven back... the mayor called town council meeting and decided that the militia be retained for defence but that a group of adventurers be hired to enter the mine and investigate and .if possible. rescue the hostages

the mayor shook his head as he read the list ' i don't know...it's not the best....i know the war in the south has attracted many mercenaries but even so and as for nikit going...'... his wife interrupted 'i'm as worried as you are but you won't stop her...it's her brother they took...forbid her and she'll just go after them on her own'....the mayor knew she was right....niket and sharper were orphaned halfling twins....living at the orphanage they ran away one day to join a travelling circus....except the circus was just a cover for a 'guild of thieves'..... they took the halflings in....delighted because halflings make the best thieves....trained them in all the 'arts'...moving silently.....hiding.....picking locks....detecting/disabling traps/alarms....burgalry...and the darker skill of back stabbing.....but nikit and sharper didn't want that life and when the circus came to dalestown ran away again....pursued by circus 'henchmen' they hid and were discovered by the mayor's wife in their garden...the 'henchmen' gave up...melting away....two hobbits not worth blowing the circus' cover......after that the mayor and his wife took them in and adopted them ...it'd been sharper that saved the child.....moving silently in the shadows he had emerged and dealt an expert deadly stab to the orc holding her....she ran but another orc knocked sharper out and took him instead

the mayor looked again at the list......beside nickit

'bob sergeant'.....young ,ambitious and deft with a broadsword.....sergeant in the militia guard.....that was until he was caught with the captains daughter in the gorse bushes and detailed ,indefinately, to the castle piggery.....bob hated the fact the militia hadn't been allowed to go back into the mine resenting the hiring of outsiders....his plan was simple...get out of the piggery...lead the successful party and get the captain's job.....and his daughter

'syl the wheelwright'.....addicted to making the best iron wheels for miles he had been delivering to dalestown when he ran into a 'sheep farmer' cirius spin....cirius had convinced syl to buy some of his sheep...'you go right past a mart on your way home..you'll double your money'....in a moment of weakness syl agreed but after one day on the trail home the sheep escaped...syl returned to dalestown for recompense...he was outta luck....cirius had friends in high places non other than bishopess jemima and after all 'a deal is a deal'....reluctantly syl took his axe and decided to take the coin....his nickname was ' chopper' after all

'dixe flat'........from a wealthy background dixie was half elf...his elven mother woo'd by his handsome father whilst travelling.....they married but city life disagreed with his mother and they moved to a country estate....dixie attended the best schools excelling in all departments .....as school fencing champion he could wield a rapier equally well right or left handed.....destined for a career in banking he rebelled and left home....with a secret stipend from his mother dixie travels .....carousing and occasionally being hired to fight duels as champion for those that have challenged an opponent to hastily......his athletic elfish physique and long blond locks making him popular with the ladies....it was the latter that was his undoing for after exiting .hastily, a 'lady's bedchamber'....he was running along roof tops when a loose tile landed him in the street....with outraged brothers in pursuit dixie ,dusted himself down. and strolled through the first door....it was the recruiting office

'yorkus'......apprenticed at an early age to the merchant navy yorkus was appointed junior mid shipman on the small trader 'sweet hay'....it was a brief career.....before the 'sweet hay' had reached the harbour gates yorkus had set such a commotion the captain turned around and slung him back on the dock....happy though young yorkus followed a career in farmwork and the dealing in forage and metal.....he'd travelled a long way to dalestown to deliver the latest design plough to a customer....relaxing afterwards in a local tavern he got in fierce arguement with a wizard from a county neighbouring his own about which shire crafted the finest toupee's.....a brawl ensued,..,,a constable's nose broken and yorkus was thrown into the cells......joining him was...

'belly yellowrobe'.....wizard.....no one could figure what a wizard was doing in dalestown....they were sought after and could command a hefty fee.....the reason soon became clear....during the brawl belly attempted to open a 'portal' to escape....the result.....the tavern's pianist and piano transformed into a mouse and elephant......order eventually restored he joined yorkus in the cells.......both were bailed the next day on condition they 'volunteer' for the expedition

the mayor paused...'pass me that decanter dear' gesturing to his wife.....'but thats the 'strong stuff' she exclaimed....'you've not touched that since king boris' coronation.....'i'm gonna need that and more before i read about our final 'recruit' he sighed

'cirius spin'......hapless sheep farmer of the district.....his sheep always out....every year all the other shepherds gathered their flocks and what ever wouldn't be caught were his.....yet somehow he always managed to catch enough to sell....needless to say he wasn't the most popular amongst other shepherds but he had 'friends in high places'.....his neighbour bishopess jemima.....becoming friends cirius had shown the tiniest talent for godly works....jemima had seized upon it and trained him....he knew enough to take a holy service and that was enough for her.....cirius also knew the mines slightly having extricated his sheep from them on occasion and had discovered salt that he would mine and sell to other farmers.....despite this he pleaded excuse from the quest from his patron....she was having none of it...'you know the mines and are equipped to tend to the parties 'spiritual needs' her voice dropped..she became more serious....handed him a staff.....silver cruxifix at top... the silver ran halfway down one side of the staff joining to oak,,,,then, at the bottom, a silver studded boot....'just in case you're to have this'...gesturing to the bottom of the staff.....'if you encounter any 'undead' that will despatch them'.....she twists a mechanism....the staff comes in two....a sharp wooden stake and the cruxifix become handle of a silver sword....'vampires and werewolves respectively'.......UNDEAD...VAMPIRES....WEREWOLVES.....cirius excuses himself quickly stammering 'i hear a panther calling'
Brilliant.
But one question, have you been at them funny fags again??????
 

spin cycle

Member
Location
north norfolk
P1040883.JPG


in fairness i did post my 'solution' but none o yous picked up on it 😁
 

Flat 10

Member
Arable Farmer
Location
Fen Edge
thursday

another quiet day....pottering around...sorting stuff and watering everything as they all seem to be run dry at once :rolleyes: ...anyhoo i've 'cleared the decks' for a better day tomorrow.....hopefully:rolleyes:

SOooo...a little 'story' evolved in my head today....the sort that might be background to a D&D adventure....you'll have to 'endure' it like it or not😁

all was not well in the dalestown and the surrounding area.....usually a bustling thriving town surrounded by fertile farm and pasture land a 'shadow had been cast'....the trouble emanated from the hills to the west....largely uninhabited the only relic was a former mining village...a brief dwarven 'gold rush' that ended more or less as it started

goblins had been raiding the outta villages......the militia had been doing a reasonable job until things took a turn for the worse.....first a red headed child was snatched from a village then one night the town of dale itself was raided ....the raiders had stronger warriors amongst them (orcs)....they'd attempted to kidnap another red headed child...failed.. but had carried off the mayor's adopted son ........pursued by the militia the trail led to an old mineshaft in the hills......entering they were soon driven back... the mayor called town council meeting and decided that the militia be retained for defence but that a group of adventurers be hired to enter the mine and investigate and .if possible. rescue the hostages

the mayor shook his head as he read the list ' i don't know...it's not the best....i know the war in the south has attracted many mercenaries but even so and as for nikit going...'... his wife interrupted 'i'm as worried as you are but you won't stop her...it's her brother they took...forbid her and she'll just go after them on her own'....the mayor knew she was right....niket and sharper were orphaned halfling twins....living at the orphanage they ran away one day to join a travelling circus....except the circus was just a cover for a 'guild of thieves'..... they took the halflings in....delighted because halflings make the best thieves....trained them in all the 'arts'...moving silently.....hiding.....picking locks....detecting/disabling traps/alarms....burgalry...and the darker skill of back stabbing.....but nikit and sharper didn't want that life and when the circus came to dalestown ran away again....pursued by circus 'henchmen' they hid and were discovered by the mayor's wife in their garden...the 'henchmen' gave up...melting away....two hobbits not worth blowing the circus' cover......after that the mayor and his wife took them in and adopted them ...it'd been sharper that saved the child.....moving silently in the shadows he had emerged and dealt an expert deadly stab to the orc holding her....she ran but another orc knocked sharper out and took him instead

the mayor looked again at the list......beside nickit

'bob sergeant'.....young ,ambitious and deft with a broadsword.....sergeant in the militia guard.....that was until he was caught with the captains daughter in the gorse bushes and detailed ,indefinately, to the castle piggery.....bob hated the fact the militia hadn't been allowed to go back into the mine resenting the hiring of outsiders....his plan was simple...get out of the piggery...lead the successful party and get the captain's job.....and his daughter

'syl the wheelwright'.....addicted to making the best iron wheels for miles he had been delivering to dalestown when he ran into a 'sheep farmer' cirius spin....cirius had convinced syl to buy some of his sheep...'you go right past a mart on your way home..you'll double your money'....in a moment of weakness syl agreed but after one day on the trail home the sheep escaped...syl returned to dalestown for recompense...he was outta luck....cirius had friends in high places non other than bishopess jemima and after all 'a deal is a deal'....reluctantly syl took his axe and decided to take the coin....his nickname was ' chopper' after all

'dixe flat'........from a wealthy background dixie was half elf...his elven mother woo'd by his handsome father whilst travelling.....they married but city life disagreed with his mother and they moved to a country estate....dixie attended the best schools excelling in all departments .....as school fencing champion he could wield a rapier equally well right or left handed.....destined for a career in banking he rebelled and left home....with a secret stipend from his mother dixie travels .....carousing and occasionally being hired to fight duels as champion for those that have challenged an opponent to hastily......his athletic elfish physique and long blond locks making him popular with the ladies....it was the latter that was his undoing for after exiting .hastily, a 'lady's bedchamber'....he was running along roof tops when a loose tile landed him in the street....with outraged brothers in pursuit dixie ,dusted himself down. and strolled through the first door....it was the recruiting office

'yorkus'......apprenticed at an early age to the merchant navy yorkus was appointed junior mid shipman on the small trader 'sweet hay'....it was a brief career.....before the 'sweet hay' had reached the harbour gates yorkus had set such a commotion the captain turned around and slung him back on the dock....happy though young yorkus followed a career in farmwork and the dealing in forage and metal.....he'd travelled a long way to dalestown to deliver the latest design plough to a customer....relaxing afterwards in a local tavern he got in fierce arguement with a wizard from a county neighbouring his own about which shire crafted the finest toupee's.....a brawl ensued,..,,a constable's nose broken and yorkus was thrown into the cells......joining him was...

'belly yellowrobe'.....wizard.....no one could figure what a wizard was doing in dalestown....they were sought after and could command a hefty fee.....the reason soon became clear....during the brawl belly attempted to open a 'portal' to escape....the result.....the tavern's pianist and piano transformed into a mouse and elephant......order eventually restored he joined yorkus in the cells.......both were bailed the next day on condition they 'volunteer' for the expedition

the mayor paused...'pass me that decanter dear' gesturing to his wife.....'but thats the 'strong stuff' she exclaimed....'you've not touched that since king boris' coronation.....'i'm gonna need that and more before i read about our final 'recruit' he sighed

'cirius spin'......hapless sheep farmer of the district.....his sheep always out....every year all the other shepherds gathered their flocks and what ever wouldn't be caught were his.....yet somehow he always managed to catch enough to sell....needless to say he wasn't the most popular amongst other shepherds but he had 'friends in high places'.....his neighbour bishopess jemima.....becoming friends cirius had shown the tiniest talent for godly works....jemima had seized upon it and trained him....he knew enough to take a holy service and that was enough for her.....cirius also knew the mines slightly having extricated his sheep from them on occasion and had discovered salt that he would mine and sell to other farmers.....despite this he pleaded excuse from the quest from his patron....she was having none of it...'you know the mines and are equipped to tend to the parties 'spiritual needs' her voice dropped..she became more serious....handed him a staff.....silver cruxifix at top... the silver ran halfway down one side of the staff joining to oak,,,,then, at the bottom, a silver studded boot....'just in case you're to have this'...gesturing to the bottom of the staff.....'if you encounter any 'undead' that will despatch them'.....she twists a mechanism....the staff comes in two....a sharp wooden stake and the cruxifix become handle of a silver sword....'vampires and werewolves respectively'.......UNDEAD...VAMPIRES....WEREWOLVES.....cirius excuses himself quickly stammering 'i hear a panther calling'
Good grief. fertile imagination or what?!?! Most of it went straight over my head.
 

Flat 10

Member
Arable Farmer
Location
Fen Edge
how about the rest though....good education....physique....'prowess' with the ladies :scratchhead: 😁

anyhoo....yesterday was a bitta 'free hit; workwise but didn't get as much done as i hoped:rolleyes:

today i'm off on a little 'adventure'.......hoping it will be dull/straight forward though🤞
The rest is bang on obviously, goes without saying 🙄🙄🙄🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
ps- good luck with the adventure
 
Last edited:

carbonfibre farmer

Member
Arable Farmer
how about the rest though....good education....physique....'prowess' with the ladies :scratchhead: 😁

anyhoo....yesterday was a bitta 'free hit; workwise but didn't get as much done as i hoped:rolleyes:

today i'm off on a little 'adventure'.......hoping it will be dull/straight forward though🤞
Have you brought something spin and got a jaunt out to get it?
 

spin cycle

Member
Location
north norfolk
Have you brought something spin and got a jaunt out to get it?

i have indeed....just back.....as usual ,for me, a bit of an adventure :rolleyes:....i had everything that could 'derail. my trip planned for....but the bit that could 'frustrate' neglected :bag:........my destination ....croydon...not london but cambs😁......i 'flew down. via swaffam...dowham mkt....A10....littleport....ely....until cambridge:banghead:.... then it shoulda been grantchester...doddle from there right?....wrong :bag:....the 'neglected' bit of my plans was the directions/route at cambridge.....i was relying.by this stage on a printed google map and my 'homing pigeon' like instincts....on top of this i forgot my glasses:bag:.....YEAH:rolleyes:....that went well :rolleyes:......'WELCOME TO DUXFORD'😭:bag:...i'd overshot south.....gradually fighting my way back north...i stopped at a garage for a map....well:rolleyes:.........cashier looked at me like i was an 'alien':rolleyes:......cursing 'modern society' i withdrew glancing over to display i thought 'yeah you don't sell maps but you stock fekkin patio brushes'.....i did get a rather tasty 'breakfast wrap' though:)

i travel on...engaging the locals for directions....finally a lady.....'down to main road...left...right at roundabout....next village....croydon signed to left'.......off i go except no sign:scratchhead:...desperation i ring vendor...he tells me i'm close....turn round and back in village see the sign....not my fault ....from the direction i had entered a fekkin virgina creeper had grown right over it:rolleyes:.....it seems most of the fekkin signs in rural cambs are half obscured by undergrowth:rolleyes:

anyhoo....got there....loaded....fought my way back round cambridge.....forgiving it because i'd assumed ,on the way, it had two ring roads (loike narrwich:love:)......but of course it just has an inner ring road....very scenic....bit bourgeois for my tastes....but meh😁

still relived to see wissington beet factory in the distance on way home:love:.....blimey though there's not much beet past downham :oops:...more maize than beet.....the beet:oops:....'meh to [email protected]' ....not a patch on round here or what i saw t'other week driving down to suffolk.......some of the maize pretty bad to....i maybe a peasant/hobbyist but looking at those fields....well.. they're gonna loose money.....'recreational farming' if you like as woulda been better fallow.....right i'd better go and unload:)
 
i have indeed....just back.....as usual ,for me, a bit of an adventure :rolleyes:....i had everything that could 'derail. my trip planned for....but the bit that could 'frustrate' neglected :bag:........my destination ....croydon...not london but cambs😁......i 'flew down. via swaffam...dowham mkt....A10....littleport....ely....until cambridge:banghead:.... then it shoulda been grantchester...doddle from there right?....wrong :bag:....the 'neglected' bit of my plans was the directions/route at cambridge.....i was relying.by this stage on a printed google map and my 'homing pigeon' like instincts....on top of this i forgot my glasses:bag:.....YEAH:rolleyes:....that went well :rolleyes:......'WELCOME TO DUXFORD'😭:bag:...i'd overshot south.....gradually fighting my way back north...i stopped at a garage for a map....well:rolleyes:.........cashier looked at me like i was an 'alien':rolleyes:......cursing 'modern society' i withdrew glancing over to display i thought 'yeah you don't sell maps but you stock fekkin patio brushes'.....i did get a rather tasty 'breakfast wrap' though:)

i travel on...engaging the locals for directions....finally a lady.....'down to main road...left...right at roundabout....next village....croydon signed to left'.......off i go except no sign:scratchhead:...desperation i ring vendor...he tells me i'm close....turn round and back in village see the sign....not my fault ....from the direction i had entered a fekkin virgina creeper had grown right over it:rolleyes:.....it seems most of the fekkin signs in rural cambs are half obscured by undergrowth:rolleyes:

anyhoo....got there....loaded....fought my way back round cambridge.....forgiving it because i'd assumed ,on the way, it had two ring roads (loike narrwich:love:)......but of course it just has an inner ring road....very scenic....bit bourgeois for my tastes....but meh😁

still relived to see wissington beet factory in the distance on way home:love:.....blimey though there's not much beet past downham :oops:...more maize than beet.....the beet:oops:....'meh to [email protected]' ....not a patch on round here or what i saw t'other week driving down to suffolk.......some of the maize pretty bad to....i maybe a peasant/hobbyist but looking at those fields....well.. they're gonna loose money.....'recreational farming' if you like as woulda been better fallow.....right i'd better go and unload:)
What did you buy then????
 

Is Red tractor detrimental to your mental health?

  • Yes, Red tractor increase my stress and anxiety

    Votes: 309 97.2%
  • No, Red tractor gives me peace of mind that the product I produce is safe to enter the food chain

    Votes: 9 2.8%

HSENI names new farm safety champions

  • 153
  • 0
Written by William Kellett from Agriland

Farm-safety-640x360.png
The Health and Safety Executive for Northern Ireland (HSENI) alongside the Farm Safety Partnership (FSP), has named new farm safety champions and commended the outstanding work on farm safety that has been carried out in the farming community in the last 20 years.

Two of these champions are Malcom Downey, retired principal inspector for the Agri/Food team in HSENI and Harry Sinclair, current chair of the Farm Safety Partnership and former president of the Ulster Farmers’ Union (UFU).

Improving farm safety is the key aim of HSENI’s and the FSP’s work and...
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