diary of a comedy sheep farm

[spin cycle]

you lucky so & so's....why?...the reason is sitting a yard away from me

early am poll dorset with single...plenty of milk...consider adopter

early visit to arkwrights for sat order...looks like a quiet visit until the 'peacock' enters with wellies on...now i always take my boots off ....i don't think it fair to trapse my mud and worse in....so 'arkwright' teases him about 'how some customers remove their muddy boots'...i'm on the way out laden so 'arkwright carries on... says to 'peacock' ...'open the door for the gentlemen'.....well thats it...the 'peacock' stomps out picks up my boots and slings them in the road

back to farm...on the rounds i see the twin pulled first on thursday...not looking good....cold wet mouth....watery mouth....spectam + milk and hope for best.....wilt has set twins..slow milk....rest of morning spent fiddling stuff around...aware the hygiene in that section isn't the best. now i don't have dedicated lambing pens....i just pen them in the section...but the trouble is the ewes nearly always choose the same spots and despite fresh straw i know it's not ideal....anyhow things are a bit better by lunchtime except for the lamb who's deteriorated....cue maudlin,despair ect....buildings arn't right...sheep arn't right ect...thoughts of a deep pessimestic/ philosophical diary entry worthy of ..i don't know ....someone clever from pembrokshire perhaps.....and thats where you lot get lucky....because

..mrs spin has heard about the lamb and is demanding it be brought home....she's been on 'tinterweb'...proceeds to enema the lamb....glucose water by tube...and warm......well the enema worked really quickly and two hours later he's up bleating....hang on i'll just check him....mouth still a little cold...but bright enough...fingers crossed

during this mornings reorganise i let ewe out of adopter. and into yard..next stop fields...lambs doing really well but i'm not entirely sure.....the last few days i've been letting her out of adopter am...the feeding and putting her back in pm....she got so she put herself back in yoke pretty quickly,,,,so come 'teatime' she decides 'outdoors' is not for her...jumps the hurdle....trots back to pen and sticks head back in the yoke

OK...gotta go ...mrs spin is trying to get my attention...'this week i shagged the postman' she's just said....i know thats a lie though cos 'weeta' knows him and says he's gay

 

[Cab-over Pete]

That may just be a cover so he can shag farmers wives and not be suspected

 

[spin cycle]

this morning up i go...i take the much improved lamb back to mother...have look round...some porridge....oh and it's raining...week set to be windy....problem opening doors to get forklift out.....little think...bitta of a 'two pipe' problem for a hobbit.....upshot is move the feed is to where the forklift was and vice versa...problem largely solved.....feed..('K' on bottles)....next is littering round....this time though i break he bale open agin the haystack and forklift bucket straw into sections....works well.....that lorry driver t'other day couldn't' have looked to closely at more poor old 'girl'...she's a bit 'challenged' lights wise and wipers don't work....AHH.. who works in the rain or at night anyway

11:30 check round all's quiet but i have a ewe with swelling next to vulva and the returned lamb is being rejected by mum...perhaps that was the problem all along.....he's home.....mrs spin calls him 'arnie' (i'll be back)

missed church...got home just as they're coming out.....'cinders' comes in 'GAWD...YOU STINK...go and shower now'......mrs spin wants my clothes to wash...knock at door there's the churchwarden with some newspapers for lamb bedding...fortunately i put my clothes over my jim jams this morning...or was it yesterday morning


'boy' has informed us he and some pals ( he said friends but i like the word pals...bit more enid blyton)..are coming to see lambs today.....now this roughly translates as 'pick us up after our hangovers have subsided....show us the lambs....give us slap up roast tea and get us back in time for happy hour at The unthank arms'....don't mind really...be nice to see them

shower and change time...surely nothing can go amiss .....well first i appear after my shower with purple stained hands...obviously control gx binds to hair and ingrained sheep juices....second my clean trousers have a rip in the knee....housekeeping fail.....now i expect some of you are yelling 'mend your own effing trousers'...so before you go all 'menstrual' ....thats exactly what i do.....two eid tags do a very respectable job

'boy' et al arrive just after 3pm...while they have a cuppa i go up farm...set twins....winds howling......start feeding....sheep bleating...spot ewe in discomfort...just a leg back....but ewe not happy....second lamb head turned+legs underneath...but out ok..#chuffed...meanwhile 'posse' arrives...proceed to bottle feed...'cinders' stalls kwaki mule in yard +won't restart ...chaotic 30 mins....trouser repair fails....order restored..'granville' +buddy turn up...tour round (thank fudge i littered this morning)...bit of banter with 'peacock' who's turned up...everyone departs...colostrum new arrivals (fudging milk is slow at mo)...back home 'arnie' is out of the box and on the sofa

teatime next

 

[spin cycle]

abridged due to supper at 'gerry' towers

lambing

seed turned up

lambing

haulier and fert supplier get mixed up...i have to sort out....takes me away from making orphan pen

fodder beet arrive...thanks m8......nice to have but even at 'mates rates' it's a cost i was debating...on the other hand some blokes would blow that on a lad's weekend or sporting event (that they probably don't watch...just attend to be seen).....so it'a a 'treat' for me to know i've plenty of feed

lambing....last 15 lambings...32 live lambs....touchwood

lunch...open post....vets bill or latest list of queries

back to orphan pen construction....takes a while to remember what stage i'm at

fertiliser arrives....expensive day

wind drops...can get doors open on 'big hut' and replenish hay...plus just a few beet as a treat

home

 

[Cab-over Pete]

Piece of cake today then.

 

[spin cycle]

Piece of cake today then.

incompetent as i am the law of avs says i'll get a few

 

[spin cycle]

supper at 'gerry' towers was very nice....but i left at 9pm vowing to return...but a large single and set of twins meant i didn't...the twins were one white and one black....texel throwback

windy this morning but didn't stop a good reorganise and things seem to be working smoother...mums gator is playing up starting...i keep getting flagged down to 'tinker'...i take the make and number of the batt but dealer doesn't understand.......'K' and mrs spin are on duty...we're getting a lot done...even the arrival of the agronomist doesn't interupt the flow

'K's second ewe has set of suffolk twins...they're small but i'm sure they'll be fine...she's worried...i point out if you pick dorset x fluffheads for looks this what you have to put up with

twins...ewes with milk....what the fudge is going on...unrecognisable on a fortnight ago....of course these ewes been steamed up now....but could the tubbys be making a difference

'humpy' lambs...now she is an unpromising specimen with a hunched back...a wilt bought in a batch...last yr the last ewe to lamb on june 10th...anyhoo she trotted around last summer with her single and i developed a bit of a soft spot for her...i know...well this year she's had a lovely set of twins....i'm pleased for her...i have an affection in life for things that arn't perfect beating the odds

rain this afternoon so put me feet up until 4pm....in attempt to create a bit of chaos/comedy i leave some gates open as i get ewes+lambs in....they trot in angelically

perhaps i'm finally getting the hang of it.....what could possibly go wrong.....back home i turn on the tv...apparently there's some big parliament vote

chicken'n chips for tea

 

[Cab-over Pete]

I like the sound of Humpy.

Four years ago, Skinny Lleyn was all bone and wool, had a struggle to get her through her first lambing she was so weak, she had triplets. Took 24 hrs to stand up, reared only one lamb after one was taken to adopt and she lay on (or most likely collapsed on) the other. Later in the year she did something rare and all her gut hangs out one side and she walks like a crab.

Vet came for something else, spotted her and said get rid. But she had won us over by then.

Just lambed for the 5th time, smashing twins as always, bags of milk. Been one of the best sheep we’ve had

 

[spin cycle]

well it had to end...my good run i mean.....not an individual disaster just a collection of little setbacks....that coupled with the f**king wind...gnawing at you constantly

first up 3 wilts with 3 singles...mid age/old girls...not to bad really but i find a dead lamb...the youngest had twins

gator finally gives up the ghost...mum is effectively trapped indoors and depressed....our mule is shut up with wind battering the doors....with help i contrive to get mule out and mobile

mrs spin is up cleaning for mum but hasn't brought her sheep stuff...she grumbles and goes home to fetch...she forgives me though.....we do tails/knackers

feeding done...'K' on milk run....when she's done we do some worming ewes and lambs

a ewe has a single...but looks to be struggling with second...we have a hunched lamb in the new mothering up area and a twin with watery mouth

lunch...news....'ohh looks like we're in trouble if there's no deal' says mum....'f**king good job...finish us off' i reply....it's the way i feel just then

back out i intervene with ewe....i get the lamb out but it's dead....i grab a triplet ....smother in afterbirth and she takes it.....but the lamb doesn't want to know.....her mum won't take her back...so she's home with arnie

out of colostrum...i meant to ask mrs spin to go via dereham on her way to see 'boy' but forgot....she's on a deadline so i go to fakenham...stop at garage to fill petrol cans....kit kat chunky....sod you mr yorkie duo.....'bumfrey' on radio norfolk playing rave music...'sandstorm' and 'insomnia'

back home.....do a little to orphan lamb pen.....always difficult picking up a previously abandoned job plus when you're in a bad mood awkward things like holding a piece of wood one side of a hurdle while screwing from the other is infuriating ...gotta be ready for tommoz...i don't know but i wonder if my sherperdess milk machine is the dearest machine on the farm....but i need it now

afternoon round...f**king wind...bleating ewes...i've had enough....fudging farming

3 lambs in dining room tonight...2 ok and will go to orphan pen tommoz....shall i watch canaries on ifollow....or will we be mauled by tigers

 

[Netherfield]

Canaries will do alright, they'll be swapping places with this useless bunch at Leeds Road, just don't take them peacocks from Elland Road up with you, I'd rather it was the steel boys.

 

[primmiemoo]

It's just one of those days, @spin cycle . Get yourself and they tibbies warm and fed, and tomorrow could easily be better

 

[firther]

Canaries will do alright, they'll be swapping places with this useless bunch at Leeds Road, just don't take them peacocks from Elland Road up with you, I'd rather it was the steel boys.

I think they will go up though, all though I hope i'm wrong

 

[spin cycle]

quick look round this morning and nice set of twins...add to that the chat of rising lamb prices on the 'tracker' and city top o the league again and i'm in better spirits

mum ventures out and we feed round with the mule..it takes longer but she enjoys riding round viewing the stock

mrs spin brings up two lambs from dining room for orphan pen and we sort out machine and fixing...drill goes flat though...finish later...pen is next to pony who's instantly besotted

mrs spin departs...i check mums heating oil tank level....order....fotunately driver is our way tommoz.....help 'K' finish off lambing pens...then early...longer...lazy lunch


2pm..venture out...set of twins....sort them out then finish up orphan pen....finally....bit of a chuckle brothers finish...y'know stepping back to check fixing,deciding on another screw there (oh err..sorry)...then realising the driver bit has fallen into the straw

next check those twins only to find yard of sheep.....NOW.....i've struck a deal with 'Sheep Pen Union Next to Combine' (SPUNC...for short...they chose it i swear)...i provide a cosy barn...light refreshments am & pm...nibble of fodder beet heap ...nice grass...in return they behave and act on a hefted basis with regard to my storm battered electric fencing....for over a week the deal holds.....but there's a problem with our agreement...i mean there shouldn't be...we've had 3 meaningful votes all heavily defeated and if that doesn't make it farm policy i don't what does....anyhoo the problem is the 'GB' (grainstore backstop)...i insist it is a 'hard border'...but they want something 'softer..akin to 'free movement'...trouble breaks out the charolais x ( typical french) break through...3 head for the mule after food...they only find a yellow stock marker...they hesitate as they debate spraying 'gilets jaunes'....2 others led by a beltex/texel (to much belgian in her) head for the grainstore...a texel wanders past apologetically (dutch..doesn't really want to offend anyone)...fortunately mrs spin arrives with a friend to see the lambs and order is restored...for now

feed round...one of 'K' s sheep has a single....she's there to watch

and home...for now...gonna go back check 'K's ewe in a bit

 

[primmiemoo]

A new twist on trackers, there

 

[abitdaft]

You should be writing this in hard copy and taking it to a publisher! I would pay good money for a book like this, seriously think about it, you have a gift for writing.

 

[Cab-over Pete]

I agree. Some of the dull drivel that gets to print would be eclipsed by this.

Literary prizes await.

 

[Cab-over Pete]

I thought if you earlier @spin cycle

I had fed the ewes and lambs and was sitting on the upturned bucket for a few minutes enjoyment whilst they played. Next minute, two front feet planted on the back of my shoulders as a lamb jumps up!

Frightened the bloody life out of me!

 

[abitdaft]

I thought if you earlier @spin cycle

I had fed the ewes and lambs and was sitting on the upturned bucket for a few minutes enjoyment whilst they played. Next minute, two front feet planted on the back of my shoulders as a lamb jumps up!

Frightened the bloody life out of me!

Funny, I had a similar thought of this thread today as well. Fallen stock were due to be collected earlier and when I had gone round the ewes discovered one had died, rather than going back to the yard to dump the snacker I thought I would just put her on the back of the bike, imagine a 60 kg woman trying to lift a 50kg ewe up onto bike! Thankfully was nowhere that I could be seen! I did manage, just don't ask how

Edit to add, when I got back to the yard the bloody knacker had been and gone!

 

[Gator]

Funny, I had a similar thought of this thread today as well. Fallen stock were due to be collected earlier and when I had gone round the ewes discovered one had died, rather than going back to the yard to dump the snacker I thought I would just put her on the back of the bike, imagine a 60 kg woman trying to lift a 50kg ewe up onto bike! Thankfully was nowhere that I could be seen! I did manage, just don't ask how

Edit to add, when I got back to the yard the bloody knacker had been and gone!

The likes for the vision of you trying to get the 50kg ewe that feels like 100 when its dead on the bike

 

[spin cycle]

Funny, I had a similar thought of this thread today as well. Fallen stock were due to be collected earlier and when I had gone round the ewes discovered one had died, rather than going back to the yard to dump the snacker I thought I would just put her on the back of the bike, imagine a 60 kg woman trying to lift a 50kg ewe up onto bike! Thankfully was nowhere that I could be seen! I did manage, just don't ask how

Edit to add, when I got back to the yard the bloody knacker had been and gone!

now y'see what you should/ve done is just tied the ewe to the snacker and towed her home....what could possibly have gone wrong....i once towed one home with it's lamb following...t'was the saddest thing