Family farming and living arrangements and all that goes with it

[ollie989898]

Having re-read the thread, I will temper what I have already written by saying that if I have a pound for the number of families that had got into that 'all yours one day' situation I'd be minted. The jam tomorrow thing works well right up until something like a divorce happens or an elderly parent needs to go into care and the farm business has to pay. Best avoided.

 

[teslacoils]

Having re-read the thread, I will temper what I have already written by saying that if I have a pound for the number of families that had got into that 'all yours one day' situation I'd be minted. The jam tomorrow thing works well right up until something like a divorce happens or an elderly parent needs to go into care and the farm business has to pay. Best avoided.

Yes exactly. I think it is a given that best made plans are fine until the wife leaves. I'm not suggesting that's the case, but the crux is that I'd be checking the Mrs was fine at all times!

Also with the partnership agreement, you would be strongly advised now you are married to remember that "you" now means "both of you". Because your farming partnership is always going through be less firm than your marital one!

It's the lack of actual money flowing that creates little problems - your parents will be thinking they are helping you but it puts you in the position of "grateful dependent" where you feel obliged to put up with little irritations.

My mummy and daddy are next door which is ace. But next door here is two miles away. At various times I've lived with them, rented their house etc. At no times is it ever perfect, but I expect they found aspects of livinf so closely annoying too. I'm sure my mother dispairs at the level of housework we do here, and my daddy dispairs that I haven't done X or y around the yard.

I'd strongly advise you and your wife take independent legal advise ahead of any partnership agreement. That may sound harsh but you very much need to know what you're getting in to, and make sure it is written fairly. Your daddy will hate this, but it's as much to protect your parents as you dont want to go from a tricky situation that you can easily leave, to a only slightly less tricky situation you cant leave.

 

[honeyend]

Hmm, its difficult, even when my daughters were young after a certain age I always knocked when I went into their room, and I never went in it or cleaned it, it was a tip of their own making.
I think they still think of it as theirs, but to be honest perhaps it not the time for change but I would ask for a wage to pay for rent for a house, tell them there is just not enough space with the new baby. I worry that you will invest time and money in this house and it will never truly be yours, and your feelings will become stronger as time goes on. If they can not afford to pay your rent and services, is the farm a viable living long term, and will you even get it?

 

[ollie989898]

An accountant and/or financial adviser may be worth consulting because they will have sound ideas and experience of how to avoid pitfalls whilst ensuring the objectives of each party are met. It is highly important they are involved at the outset as they will have methods that avoid a lot of grief. If you have siblings this is very important too. Never assume that anyone's intentions will remain the same forever, money is a powerful incentive and people can be very vindictive.

 

[AGN76]

So how many on here ) the younger generation) manage to get on in close proximity to living with parents. EG under same roof but connecting door.
Ive a 2 year old boy and another on the way with my other half, And sometimes it drives me batcrap crazy not having no privacy.
There has been times when we have been having our evening meal after the other half has been working and my mum comes down and tries to engage with the boy and then gets distracted from eating.
i just really struggle with it and i end up voicing my views at some point and then i get it thrown at me that they feel they are not wanted around here and the such.
I just find it really hard to cope with it.
Along with the fact if it wasnt for my other half on a decent wage i wouldnt have any money as havent had any wages as getting the farm, but that might change with they are finally getting a partnership drawn up.

Just find it quite a struggle on times with working with them and living with them.

I really think you should count yourself lucky. My mum wants to rattle around in a 6 bedroom house (split in 2) whilst I run backwards and forwards from a house and family 20 miles away. Any discussions are impossible as she just doesn't want to speak about anything, the business/the will/the house all taboo subjects. She "just wants to be left alone" , which is pretty F ing difficult on a farm with Livestock! Add in to the mix a brother with a screw loose who's pigs destroy everywhere (nothing is ever said) and another brother with his hand out waiting for his share! I would swap with you in an instant.

 

[Farmer_Joe]

Tbh a full proper wage isnt a big deal for me, as long as i am not reliant fully on the other half or have to ask folks if i want some money.

I just never seem to get that balance of peace from them.
y.

If the only thing comes from this i know that i do not want my son to be having these same feelings when he is in my shoes.

its f**kin will be when all falls apart and you have nothing for your years of hard work, a fair days work required a fair wage regardless, it sounds like a recipe for disaster you need to bbe honest and get a wage or surely you would be better off else where and bbuy a house at least you will have somthing to show for your hard work 20-30 years down the line and privacy!

 

[melted welly]

Firstly thank you for your replies.
so to reply to a few comments and maybe get some perspective on things
I do want my folks around been interested in the childrens up bringing.
Other half has a professional job, be it working from home on her computer doing it 3 and three quarter days a week. which means her time to enjoy doing stuff with the boy outside of meal times and getting ready for bed is limited.

Admittedly covid 19 hasnt helped as there have been times when we have been waiting for covid tests as if the boy shows any symptoms he cant go to childminders untill all clear.
Also my time with him when im busy is limited too. sometimes i wont see him apart from breakfast and tea time, and mum coming in then jacks me off a bit.

Tbh a full proper wage isnt a big deal for me, as long as i am not reliant fully on the other half or have to ask folks if i want some money.

I just never seem to get that balance of peace from them.

I think that the best way to describe it is that they dont seem very gracious or considerate to how things might be for me and my other half.
It may be that this comes over that im been a bit of a T**T, but its the simple trivial things that get to me, such as when the building work was going on with the house to make it so it could be 2 seperate living ends, even tho mum and dad claimed it was a partnership they never spoke to me about the costs and I am the one that does all the paperwork. when ever i moaned about this i was told well its all for me one day. the only day ill get that money back is the day its sold. its not like a bull or something.
I had to beg and really get my arse out for the builder to come and do the work on mine and my other halfs end of the house before the baby arrived, as mum and dad kept giving him more jobs instead of letting him do what we needed to do then go back to them.
and to this day mum still hasnt moved her stuff out of what is supposed to be what we call the dairy where our small freezer is, which still has one of mums and alot of her stuff.
even to the point that the small bit of lawn
Now dont get me wrong if they had little room for a freezer or little garden then no issue but when they have 2 out houses, one which was supposed to be the farm office which is now storing stuff. and one big lawn, to be told that they wanted to split the small lawn we were supposed to have which would of resulted either the OH parking on the yard or having to walk through their garden to get to our side. sucked a bit.
some may not get what i mean or this make sense, but its these small things that get to me which we have had to battle for, and still are ongoing to make mine and the other halfs life a bit easier which effects how you feel day to day.

If the only thing comes from this i know that i do not want my son to be having these same feelings when he is in my shoes.

sorry, but some of that is hilarious, so familiar! We did a house swap with my parents 2yr ago, at their instigation.

freezer, attic, various drawers, some wardrobes and the coal shed, all left full. The house we left was stripped bare. Great piles of crap my sister had left at home when she moved out, then some more shyte she “dropped off” when she subsequently moved house. Too busy to get her arse round and sort it out, and too upsetting to let us go thru it and throw it out. Sometimes think a big fire and start again would be best thing.

Old man came round at weekend looking for a spare wheel he’d left in the shed 2yr ago. I said if he needed it he should’ve taken it with him. My wife emptied his collection of 1970s power farming mags from the attic, put them on a pallet and sold them on eBay. It weighed 250kgs! No wonder kitchen ceiling sags .

 

[kiwi pom]

well getting a official partnership agrement sorted slowly so hopefully it will get is sorted.
Whilst im probably in a better situation than most, like i said the trivial stuff can make it hard to feel that way.

Get your own independent advice on any partnership.
I don't know how old you are but your life is being run by your parents. Is your partner ok with that and what happens if she loses her job?
How are you going to pay your sister out when the time comes (it will come)?
A bit harsh I know and I'll get hate for it but it sounds to me like you're just drifting along trying not to rock the boat. You have a partner and soon 2 children, time to put your foot down and get some direction to your life, while you're young enough to start again somewhere.

Future TFF doesn't want a thread describing how you've been left with nothing after years of hard work.