Farmer Forgets His Family?

RRJ2790

Member
Livestock Farmer
Sorry long post and don't be too cruel with your comments. I just moved in with my boyfriend a few months ago. I don't really have anything to do with the farm work. Sometimes he'll take me and my son out with him to check on the cows but right now it seems like I'm mainly here to cook and clean so far like his mom would do. I do love my boyfriend more than anything in the world but he just isn't spending anytime with me at all. I mean none. He comes home for 5 minutes to eat and then he's gone until it's time for him to go to bed. He'll take his dad out to eat but not me.

He works full time and part time farms(his dad and uncle also take care of the farm, so he's not doing it alone). The stuff he's been doing lately is just busy work. I get that the farm is important but he will go visit his parents for hours, or play around on the excavator all day. The last time he took me out was to his grandpa's funeral. I don't really count a funeral as a date lol.

He said he's not neglecting me but it feels that way when he goes and makes time to talk to everyone else but can't manage to spend a couple minutes talking to me. He somehow managed to find free time when we were dating.

Am I being crazy here because I'm starting to feel like I'm his mom now instead of his girlfriend? Even his mom and sister are trying to talk some sense in him.
 

Overby

Member
Mixed Farmer
Location
South West
Sounds grim. remind him of his responsibilities to you, if he won't change there's only 1 answer unfortunately.
Is he one of these sheltered little weirdos who has to do what 'dad says or did'? If so I think you're fighting a losing battle. If not and he has his own mind he'll hopefully change or compromise when you point out how unfair the current situation is.
 

JP1

Member
Livestock Farmer
Sorry long post and don't be too cruel with your comments. I just moved in with my boyfriend a few months ago. I don't really have anything to do with the farm work. Sometimes he'll take me and my son out with him to check on the cows but right now it seems like I'm mainly here to cook and clean so far like his mom would do. I do love my boyfriend more than anything in the world but he just isn't spending anytime with me at all. I mean none. He comes home for 5 minutes to eat and then he's gone until it's time for him to go to bed. He'll take his dad out to eat but not me.

He works full time and part time farms(his dad and uncle also take care of the farm, so he's not doing it alone). The stuff he's been doing lately is just busy work. I get that the farm is important but he will go visit his parents for hours, or play around on the excavator all day. The last time he took me out was to his grandpa's funeral. I don't really count a funeral as a date lol.

He said he's not neglecting me but it feels that way when he goes and makes time to talk to everyone else but can't manage to spend a couple minutes talking to me. He somehow managed to find free time when we were dating.

Am I being crazy here because I'm starting to feel like I'm his mom now instead of his girlfriend? Even his mom and sister are trying to talk some sense in him.
Not that it matters as such but are you in the UK or USA with "Mom"
 

PhilipB

Member
Sorry long post and don't be too cruel with your comments. I just moved in with my boyfriend a few months ago. I don't really have anything to do with the farm work. Sometimes he'll take me and my son out with him to check on the cows but right now it seems like I'm mainly here to cook and clean so far like his mom would do. I do love my boyfriend more than anything in the world but he just isn't spending anytime with me at all. I mean none. He comes home for 5 minutes to eat and then he's gone until it's time for him to go to bed. He'll take his dad out to eat but not me.

He works full time and part time farms(his dad and uncle also take care of the farm, so he's not doing it alone). The stuff he's been doing lately is just busy work. I get that the farm is important but he will go visit his parents for hours, or play around on the excavator all day. The last time he took me out was to his grandpa's funeral. I don't really count a funeral as a date lol.

He said he's not neglecting me but it feels that way when he goes and makes time to talk to everyone else but can't manage to spend a couple minutes talking to me. He somehow managed to find free time when we were dating.

Am I being crazy here because I'm starting to feel like I'm his mom now instead of his girlfriend? Even his mom and sister are trying to talk some sense in him.

Basically, the farm provides him with practical things to do that work towards goals that he wants. He sits on the digger, he moves dirt.

While you were dating your relationship did this, it had a mutual goal (moving in together) and he /you worked your way towards that. That's why he had time for dating, it was a means to an end. You both achieved the goal.

Now you need new life goals to achieve together, working side by side.

I guess you have to work out how farming fits into your life. Either you'll think that farming is a good thing, and be happy to share it with him/him with it, or you'll think farming is a bad thing and always be fighting against its grip. I'm not sure that there is a middle ground...
 

BrianV

Member
Livestock Farmer
Sorry long post and don't be too cruel with your comments. I just moved in with my boyfriend a few months ago. I don't really have anything to do with the farm work. Sometimes he'll take me and my son out with him to check on the cows but right now it seems like I'm mainly here to cook and clean so far like his mom would do. I do love my boyfriend more than anything in the world but he just isn't spending anytime with me at all. I mean none. He comes home for 5 minutes to eat and then he's gone until it's time for him to go to bed. He'll take his dad out to eat but not me.

He works full time and part time farms(his dad and uncle also take care of the farm, so he's not doing it alone). The stuff he's been doing lately is just busy work. I get that the farm is important but he will go visit his parents for hours, or play around on the excavator all day. The last time he took me out was to his grandpa's funeral. I don't really count a funeral as a date lol.

He said he's not neglecting me but it feels that way when he goes and makes time to talk to everyone else but can't manage to spend a couple minutes talking to me. He somehow managed to find free time when we were dating.

Am I being crazy here because I'm starting to feel like I'm his mom now instead of his girlfriend? Even his mom and sister are trying to talk some sense in him.
Unfortunately farming has an annoying habit of becoming all consuming & we farmers do tend to not be able to switch off as even when not physically doing something the problems tend have a habit of racing through our brains, your hope is to try if possible to become more involved & be able to talk farmer language to him with a few added extras of your own to help distract him!
 

steveR

Member
Mixed Farmer
He said he's not neglecting me but it feels that way when he goes and makes time to talk to everyone else but can't manage to spend a couple minutes talking to me. He somehow managed to find free time when we were dating.

Am I being crazy here because I'm starting to feel like I'm his mom now instead of his girlfriend? Even his mom and sister are trying to talk some sense in him.

Sounds like he has found himself a Mother replacement for cook and bottle washing purposes, and seems to think that is just fine. I have seen a "relationship" very similiar to that you describe, that ended in some serious unhappiness and misery.

She should have walked early on, as no way was he going to change. Your fella will needs to listen and change sooner rather than later...
 
Last edited:

honeyend

Member
If it's not a partnership, where you are working towards the same goal, and you are consulted in decisions that affect you, now and in the future, it doesn't matter if it's a farm or any other lifestyle, walk away.
You can not base your life on assumptions, and he has obviously assumed you would be happy with being chief cook and bottle washer, housekeeper with benefits. Someone who loves and cares about your welfare would be making an effort.
 
Location
Suffolk
Sounds like you are convenient, available and cook.
If you wish to live like this then fine, if you don't, please get your own life as soon as possible. Simples. That's what three of my daughters would tell you! Sorry to be blunt. Not much future here IMO.
SS
 

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