Jokes, ones that aren't offensive(no rude pics either thanks.)

Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by Sid, Feb 18, 2013.

  1. Sid

    Sid Member

    Location:
    South Molton
    Any jokes, pictures quotes.

    Here's a starter for you

    Roses Are Red,
    apples are fruity ..
    watch your lasagne ....

    it may be black Beauty
     
  2. Clive

    Clive Staff Member

    Location:
    Lichfield
    Thanks for starting this - members now have a choice, clean stuff in here and everything else in the other jokes thread - don't open the other thread if you are easily offended etc

    moderators will move anything that is not in the right place
     
    holywell farmer likes this.
  3. pellow

    pellow Member

    Location:
    Newquay
    TEXT MESSAGE

    Bob heard his mobile phone ring and saw he had a text message:……
    Hi Bob,
    This is Alan next door.
    I’m sorry buddy, but I have a confession to make to you. I’ve been
    riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck
    up the courage to tell you to your face but I am at least now telling
    in text as I can’t live with myself a moment longer without you knowing.
    The truth is, I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're
    not around. In fact, probably more than you, particularly in the mornings
    after you’ve left for work.
    I haven’t been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse I know.
    I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my
    sincerest apologies. My wife has known for some time now and I’ve
    promised her that it won't happen again.
    Regards, Alan.

    Bob, feeling anguished and betrayed, immediately went into his
    bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife twice in the
    head, killing her instantly.
    He returned to the lounge where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat
    down on the sofa. He took out his phone to respond to the neighbour's
    text and saw he had another message:-

    Hi Bob,
    This is Alan next door again.
    Sorry about the slight typo on my last text, I expect you worked it out
    anyway, but as I’m sure you noticed, my predictive text changed ‘WiFi’
    to ‘Wife’.
    Hope you saw the funny side of that.
    Regards, Alan.
     
  4. whats yellow and wears a mask?
    The lone Lemon
     
    smcapstick likes this.
  5. Sussex Martin

    Sussex Martin Member

    Location:
    Burham Kent
    Be careful with jokes like that or you may end up being a gooseberry for the rest of your life ;).
     
    T0553R and rc mx110 like this.
  6. What do you call a mortgage broker in a mask?





    The Loan Arranger.

    (I'll get me coat on the way out)
     
    dstudent, Major and pellow like this.
  7. Old Boar

    Old Boar Member

    Location:
    West Wales
    Dare you to use this with your next SFP...

    What is green and runs around a field?






    A hedge.
    Now go and measure it.;)
     
  8. Robigus

    Robigus Member

    Q: What did the duck say when he bought lipstick?
    A: "Put it on my bill."
     
    Gordy1, smcapstick and Flossie like this.
  9. Robigus

    Robigus Member

    Q: What do you call a pig that does karate?
    A: A pork chop.
     
    JTK, Wannabe stockman and dstudent like this.
  10. ARW

    ARW Member

    Location:
    Yorkshire
    How does a pig get to hospital?

    The hambulance
     
    Farming_Lady likes this.
  11. llamedos

    llamedos New Member

    What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
    It gets toad away
     
  12. Old Boar

    Old Boar Member

    Location:
    West Wales
    What do you call a three eyed pig?

    Piiig
     
  13. ARW

    ARW Member

    Location:
    Yorkshire
    why cant and elephant ride a bicycle?

    Because he hasn't got a thumb to ring the bell!
     
  14. How do you know there's been an elephant in the fridge?


    Foot prints in the butter
     
  15. Old Boar

    Old Boar Member

    Location:
    West Wales
    If I had to describe myself in 3 words, it would be, 'Unable to follow simple instructions'.
     
  16. Robigus

    Robigus Member

    I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.

    But when I got home, all the signs were there.
     
    Gordy1, unicorn, Andbarbred and 4 others like this.
  17. Robigus

    Robigus Member

    My mate rang me and asked, "What're you doing at the moment?"

    I said, "Probably failing my driving test."
     
  18. Jon Feetham

    Jon Feetham Member

    Location:
    Long Sutton
    Draughtsman husband working from home, prepares dinner.

    His wife left a note reading:

    "Shepherds Pie needs to be taken out of the fridge and placed in the oven at 140 degrees".

    image001.jpg
     
  19. Jon Feetham

    Jon Feetham Member

    Location:
    Long Sutton

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