Jokes, ones that aren't offensive(no rude pics either thanks.)

Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by Sid, Feb 18, 2013.

  1. An elderly couple went to see their doctor for their yearly checkup.
    After his exam the doctor asked the husband, “You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?”
    “In fact, I do,” said the old man. “After I have sex with my wife, I am usually cold and chilly, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty.”
    Later, after examining the man’s wife, the doctor said, “Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?”
    She replied that she didn’t.
    The doctor then said to her, “Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?”
    “Oh, that crazy old fart,” she replied. “That’s because the first time is usually in January and the second time is in August.”
     
  2. After just a few years of marriage filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other’s throats for some time and felt that this was their last hope. When they arrived at the counselor’s office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.
    “What seems to be the problem?”
    Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage.
    After 5...10...15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterward, the wife sat there speechless.
    He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counselor spoke to the husband, “Your wife needs that at least twice a week!”
    The husband scratched his head and replied, “Okay. I can have her here every Tuesday and Thursday.”
     
    dstudent likes this.
  3. Dman2

    Dman2 Member

    Location:
    Durham, UK
    [​IMG]<3 SENIOR SEX [​IMG]<3

    The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
    Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

    OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

    "Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
    A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

    The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

    The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

    After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

    So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

    Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
    "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
     
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  4. After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn’t in quite some time.
    It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck and then began moving down past the small of her back.
    He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach.
    He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then he proceeded
    up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly rolled over and started to watch the TV.
    As she had become quite aroused by his caressing, she asked in a loving voice, “That was wonderful. Why did you stop?
    He replied, “I found the remote.”
     
  5. Alan and Sandra lived on a cove at Gull Lake, Alberta. It was early winter and the lower portion of the cove had frozen over. Alan asked Sandra if she would walk across the frozen part of the cove to the general store and get him some smokes and beer.

    She asked him for some money, but he told her, "Nah, just put it on our tab. Old man Stacey won't mind."

    So Sandra, being the good wife and Alan's true love, walked across the ice, got the smokes and beer at the store and then walked back home across the cove.

    When she got home with the items she said, "Alan, you always tell me not to run up the tab at Stacey's store. Why didn't you just give me some money?"

    Alan replied, "Well, Sandra, I didn't want to send you out there with cash when I wasn't sure how thick the ice was!"

    A love story like this almost brings tears to my eyes...
     
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  6. At Friday night services, Morris goes to his friend Irving and says: “I need a favour. I’m sleeping with the Rabbi’s wife. Can you hold him in synagogue for an hour after services for me?”

    Irving is not very fond of the idea, but being Morris’ lifelong friend, he reluctantly agrees. After services, he strikes up a conversation with the Rabbi, asking him all sorts of stupid questions – just to keep him occupied. After some time the wise Rabbi becomes suspicious and asks: “Irving what are you really up to?”

    Irving, filled with feelings of guilt and remorse confesses to the Rabbi: “I’m sorry, Rabbi. My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied.”

    The Rabbi smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Irving’s shoulder and says: “You'd better hurry home, Irving. My wife died two years ago!”
     
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  7. dstudent

    dstudent Member

    Saw this today and thought I ll share it:ROFLMAO::ROFLMAO::ROFLMAO:;)

    [​IMG]
     
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  8. opininionated

    opininionated Member

    Kid me not...
     
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  9. Fromebridge

    Fromebridge Member

    Location:
    Glos
    Would be better with goatling guns.
     
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  10. Old Boar

    Old Boar Member

    Location:
    West Wales
  11. Robigus

    Robigus Member

  12. A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers he has an important meeting scheduled.
    Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not. At that moment, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence.
    Calling out to the patient, the man says, “Pardon me, sir, but do you have the time?”
    The patient calls back, “One moment!” and throws himself upon the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does. He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpenter’s level, assures himself that the stick is vertical.
    With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick.
    While the passer-bye watches this with awe, the patient withdraws a slide rule from his pocket, calculates rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian, saying, “It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is August 16th, which I believe it is.”
    The man can’t help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets his watch accordingly.
    Before he leaves, he says to the patient, “That was really quite remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts no shadow?”
    The patient holds up his wrist and says, “I suppose I’d just look at my watch.”
     
  13. dstudent

    dstudent Member

  14. dstudent

    dstudent Member

  15. dstudent

    dstudent Member

    [​IMG]
     
    Hoss likes this.
  16. dstudent

    dstudent Member

    last one for the night I promise, ;)(y)

    [​IMG]
     
  17. wdah/him

    wdah/him Member

    Location:
    tyrone
    Men's Pearls of Wisdom[​IMG]
    1. When I was born, I was given a choice - A big dick or a good memory. I don't remember, what I chose.
    2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
    3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.
    4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings...'
    5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.
    6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.
    7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.
    8. Virginity can be cured.
    9. Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity.
    10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
    11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.
    12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
    13. Q: What's an Australian kiss?
    A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.
    14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing......
    15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life?
    A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't
    16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
    A: Breasts don't have eyes.
    17. Despite the old saying, ' Don 't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!!
    18. Breasts are proof that men can focus on 2 things at a time!!
     
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