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Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by Sid, Feb 18, 2013.
solution to make your loo roll last longer?
There's an aquarium manufacturer near here branching out into selling glass coffins. Whether or not it'll be a success remains to be seen.
As a guitarist, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”
Apparently, I’m still lost…
Why do Skoda’s have heated rear windows?
Too keep your hands warm when pushing it.
What do you call a Skoda with a sunroof? A skip.
Last month, a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN
The only question asked was:
"Would you please give your honest opinion about possible solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a complete failure because:
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant..
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
And in Australia, New Zealand and Great Britain everyone hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.
A guy walked into his local bank one day and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going abroad on business for two weeks and needed to borrow £5,000. The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan.
The man handed over the keys to a new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produced its documents and everything checked out.
The loan officer agreed to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the man for using a £250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a £5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parked it there.
Two weeks later, the man returned, repaid the £5,000 and the interest, which came to £15.41.
The loan officer said, "Sir, we’re very happy to have had your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we’re a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you’re a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow £5,000?"
The man replied: "Where else can I park my car for two weeks for only £15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?”
I was attacked the other day by a bloke who hurled butter, cream and a pint of milk at me.
I thought- how dairy!
Sorry about the ear worm!
Buggered if I'd walk to Iceland for anybody.
Michelin Tyres have announced their closing their factories over the next 5 years.
They must be tired.....
Heard the remould factory net door was also closing, their retireing.
I heard that they are going to use recycled tyres to make condoms. They reckon you get 365 in a Goodyear.
What is the difference between 365 condoms and a tyre.
One is a Good Year and the other is an exceedingly good year.
I’d say 365 sh@gs in 1 year , you’d have lost your appetite. But it be interesting to find out