Jokes, ones that aren't offensive(no rude pics either thanks.)

Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by Sid, Feb 18, 2013.

  1. Oat

    Oat Member

    solution to make your loo roll last longer?
    fredf likes this.
  2. bovrill

    bovrill Member

    East Essex
    There's an aquarium manufacturer near here branching out into selling glass coffins. Whether or not it'll be a success remains to be seen.
    davieh3350 and SimonThePieman like this.
  3. Sammys77

    Sammys77 New Member

  4. Tigger

    Tigger Member

    davieh3350, Peter, primmiemoo and 6 others like this.
  5. JP1

    JP1 Moderator

    As a guitarist, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.

    I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

    I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.

    The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.

    And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

    As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

    Apparently, I’m still lost…
    davieh3350, Al R, fredf and 1 other person like this.
  6. bovrill

    bovrill Member

    East Essex
  7. Peter

    Peter Member


    Attached Files:

    fredf likes this.
  8. Al R

    Al R Member

    West Wales
    Why do Skoda’s have heated rear windows?
    Too keep your hands warm when pushing it.

    What do you call a Skoda with a sunroof? A skip.
  9. AftonShepherd

    AftonShepherd Member

    Last month, a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN

    The only question asked was:

    "Would you please give your honest opinion about possible solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

    The survey was a complete failure because:

    In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

    In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

    In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

    In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant..

    In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

    In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

    In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

    And in Australia, New Zealand and Great Britain everyone hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.
    Half Full, Angus, davieh3350 and 20 others like this.
  10. Two Tone

    Two Tone Member

    A guy walked into his local bank one day and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going abroad on business for two weeks and needed to borrow £5,000. The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan.

    The man handed over the keys to a new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produced its documents and everything checked out.

    The loan officer agreed to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the man for using a £250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a £5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parked it there.

    Two weeks later, the man returned, repaid the £5,000 and the interest, which came to £15.41.

    The loan officer said, "Sir, we’re very happy to have had your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we’re a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you’re a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow £5,000?"

    The man replied: "Where else can I park my car for two weeks for only £15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?”
    davieh3350, Woodlander, Peter and 4 others like this.
  11. Farmerdunk

    Farmerdunk Member

    I was attacked the other day by a bloke who hurled butter, cream and a pint of milk at me.

    I thought- how dairy!
    davieh3350 and Woodlander like this.
  12. Old Boar

    Old Boar Member

    West Wales

    Sorry about the ear worm! :rolleyes:
  13. Fromebridge

    Fromebridge Member

    Buggered if I'd walk to Iceland for anybody.
  14. Shovelhands

    Shovelhands Member

    Sunny Essex
  15. Al R

    Al R Member

    West Wales
    Michelin Tyres have announced their closing their factories over the next 5 years.
    They must be tired.....
    Woodlander likes this.
  16. fieldfarmer

    fieldfarmer Member

    Heard the remould factory net door was also closing, their retireing.
    fred.950, Dman2, haggard143 and 2 others like this.
  17. Red Fred

    Red Fred Member

    I heard that they are going to use recycled tyres to make condoms. They reckon you get 365 in a Goodyear.
    davieh3350, Dman2 and Al R like this.
  18. fredf

    fredf Member

    SW Co Durham
    What is the difference between 365 condoms and a tyre.

    One is a Good Year and the other is an exceedingly good year.

    davieh3350, haggard143, Al R and 2 others like this.
  19. Whitewalker

    Whitewalker Member

    I’d say 365 sh@gs in 1 year , you’d have lost your appetite. :ROFLMAO::ROFLMAO::ROFLMAO: But it be interesting to find out :rolleyes:

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