Jokes, ones that aren't offensive(no rude pics either thanks.)

Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by Sid, Feb 18, 2013.

  1. Dman2

    Dman2 Member

    Location:
    Durham, UK
    Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

    The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

    Jack says, "You know what, I bet he will." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!"

    Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair... Here's your money."

    Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."

    The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."

    Jack took the money.
     
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  2. JP1

    JP1 Moderator

    BEST JOKE IVE HEARD IN AGES

    A young man called Chris from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend. They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Scotland. Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note... not too romantic and not too personal. Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of sexy knickers for herself at the same time. Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Chris unknowingly got the knickers. Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter.
    Dear Maggie,
    I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove). These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any marks. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.
    I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.
    When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.
    Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.
    I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.
    All my love,
    Chris
    P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.
     
  3. Oat

    Oat Member

    Location:
    Cheshire
    A 'friend' at school once phoned the Simon Mayo programme on Radio 1 (this was many years ago) and told them this story and said it was about me. Unfortunately when it was read out on air, a cow feed rep on the way to see my parents was listening. When I got home, my parents had a few questions;)
     
  4. dstudent

    dstudent Member

  5. bovrill

    bovrill Member

    Location:
    East Essex
    48420994_2142879419362802_3987028289884520448_o.jpg
     
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  6. Dman2

    Dman2 Member

    Location:
    Durham, UK
    [​IMG]

    Over here Plod[​IMG]
     
  7. Dman2

    Dman2 Member

    Location:
    Durham, UK
    TEACHER: Okay Johnny, here's a Maths problem for you. If I gave you 2 rabbits, then 2

    more rabbits and then 2 more rabbits, how many rabbits do you have?

    JOHNNY: Seven, Miss.

    TEACHER: No Johnny, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 rabbits, then 2 more rabbits

    and then 2 more rabbits, how many rabbits do you have?

    JOHNNY: Seven, Miss!

    TEACHER: Hmmm. Let me put it a different way. If I gave you 2 apples, then 2 more

    apples and then 2 more apples, how many apples do you have?

    JOHNNY: Six, Miss.

    TEACHER: Excellent. So... if I gave you 2 rabbits, then 2 more rabbits and then 2

    more rabbits, how many rabbits do you have?

    JOHNNY: Seven!!

    TEACHER: Oh my God! How the fudge do you end up with seven rabbits?

    JOHNNY: Because I've already got one at home Miss!
     
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  8. Wooly

    Wooly Member

    Location:
    Romney Marsh
  9. bovrill

    bovrill Member

    Location:
    East Essex
    My dog got in with the chickens a few weeks ago, and the cockeral seemed to become very amorous with her.

    I've now got some puppies going cheep if anyone's interested.
     
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  10. JJT

    JJT Member

    Location:
    cumbria
    So I'm at Pets at Home buying a bag of dog food for my dog
    While in the queue, a woman behind me asked if I had a dog Why else would I be buying dog food?
    So being top notch with the banter I told her "No, I don't have a dog, I'm starting my Dog Food Diet again" and that I probably really shouldn't because the last time, I had ended up in hospital, in intensive care with IV's in both arms and tubes coming out of most orifices. But I had lost 3 stone in 4 Weeks!
    I told her that it was essentially the Perfect Diet and all you have to do is load your pockets with handfuls of dry dog food and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. I get the 'Complete' food as it is nutritionally balanced, so it works really well, and I decided that I was going to give it another go.
    (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was now enthralled with my story)
    Horrified, she asked if I had ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.
    I told her "No, I stepped off a curb to sniff a Cocker Spaniel's arse and a lorry hit me.
    I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
     
  11. bovrill

    bovrill Member

    Location:
    East Essex
    I've been invited to a party tonight. It's a combined Chinese New Year/ Burns night celebration.

    I didn't want to go, but they twisted my arm.
     
  12. JWL

    JWL Member

    Location:
    Hereford
  13. Donald Trump became US President and went on a fact-finding visit to Israel. While he was on a tour of Jerusalem he suffered a heart attack and died.

    The undertaker then told the American Diplomats who were accompanying him, 'You can have him shipped home for $50,000, or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land for just $100.'

    The American Diplomats went into a corner and discussed this for a few minutes. They came back to the undertaker and told him they wanted Donald shipped home.

    The undertaker was puzzled and asked, 'Why would you spend $50,000 to ship him home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $100?

    The American Diplomats replied, 'A long time ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. We just can't take the Risk"
     
  14. 76masseyman

    76masseyman Member

    Location:
    Lincolncestershire
    What’s blue and not heavy ?





    Light blue !
     
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  15. Sharpy

    Sharpy Member

    Location:
    Ardrossan Ayrshire
    My 9 year old found that hilarious! Thank you.
     
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  16. mo!

    mo! Member

    Location:
    York
    Mine just shook her head. I'm used to that though.
     
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  17. bovrill

    bovrill Member

    Location:
    East Essex
    What's blue and puts your joke in the shade?


    Dark blue.
     
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  18. Peter

    Peter Member

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