Keeping the older generation safe.
- Thread starter Yale
- Start date
fieldfarmer
Member
Sorry for your loss, it sounds like him coming home was where he needed to be.
mushnt grummmble
Member
Condolences to you and family
itsalwaysme
Member
- Location
- Cheshire
I could write so much on this thread that I would probably bore you all. We have an ongoing situation with mum being in poor health (the last 3 years) It's complicated and I've just put in an official complaint about the care she is receiving, which has triggered a big review into the "Extra Care housing schemes" in the surrounding area, I've involved MP, councillors, chief executive of the housing company and the care company etc etc. It seems strange that I'm getting emails and letters from MP, and the director of adult social care at the council THANKING me for making such a detailed complaint (They know things are wrong but they need evidence, so anyone in a similar position, make a complaint)
Mum's health is complicated with Parkinson's affecting mobility etc and a form of dementia linked to the Parkinson's (although there is a good chance that the dementia in this case could have been triggered by long term use of the parkinsons medication,) Mum has good days, (well they're not really good but better days) her memory and mind is still there in some ways, (although she hallucinates a lot and sees friends and family members who died years ago) she is distressed and upset about what is happening to her, the Christmas before this last one I was taking her home on Christmas day and she broke down in tears saying she didn't want to go on (what can you say to that) 12 months later she is still with us, the illnesses have progressed (it's like a slow form of torture) frequent falls and more help needed. Dad died after a short illness much too young at 63, I don't think mum has ever got over that, they were married for just over 40 years, but it's a much kinder way to go. I've got so many good memories of dad who was a good friend as well as being dad. Mum has been probably too involved in my life since dad died (she missed him) but this long drawn out illness is creating lots of the wrong sort of memories, I don't want too remember mum in this way. I worry about her and how she is being looked after, I've spent hours on my complaint letter, something mum doesn't know anything about as I know she would say "don't upset them, they've still got to look after me" If mum was to pass away in her sleep I'd be upset (I've got tears running down my cheeks writing this) but it would be a release for everyone, most of all for mum.
If I could I'd make two big changes to the system, one would be to improve quality of care, improve training of carers (you need more than a "four day induction" course before you can look after someone with complex health problems, new carers are supposed to be "shadowed" by an experienced carer, but I've never seen that happen) I'd fund all these improvements by giving people a right to end there life at a time they choose (obviously done properly with medical consent etc) Why are we, as a mate of mine put it "wharehousing old people" he showed me a photograph of four old people in a care home (his 94 year old mother being one of them) they were all asleep with mouths open, zimmer frames in front of them, he joked "it's like death row". Like one of the posters above a couple of years ago he had found his mother semi conscious on the floor in her own home, he phoned the ambulance and after a short stay in hospital she then went to the care home. He says he should have locked the door and gone away and come back a few hours later, but in reality how many of us could do that (it's your mum or dad at the end of the day) and most importantly we shouldn't even have to consider it. If you need someone to wipe your arse and your mind has gone there really isn't much point in prolonging your life (suffering) with drugs, no point in being here, (the old ways were better just administer a bit too much morphine and let someone pass away peacefully in there own bed) and as is often said if we treated animals like this we'd be locked up.
Sorry for a very long post, as you can tell it's an emotive subject at the moment.
All the best to @Nearly and family
Edit.... Sorry @Nearly I typed my post before reading to the end of the thread, maybe not the best time to post
Mum's health is complicated with Parkinson's affecting mobility etc and a form of dementia linked to the Parkinson's (although there is a good chance that the dementia in this case could have been triggered by long term use of the parkinsons medication,) Mum has good days, (well they're not really good but better days) her memory and mind is still there in some ways, (although she hallucinates a lot and sees friends and family members who died years ago) she is distressed and upset about what is happening to her, the Christmas before this last one I was taking her home on Christmas day and she broke down in tears saying she didn't want to go on (what can you say to that) 12 months later she is still with us, the illnesses have progressed (it's like a slow form of torture) frequent falls and more help needed. Dad died after a short illness much too young at 63, I don't think mum has ever got over that, they were married for just over 40 years, but it's a much kinder way to go. I've got so many good memories of dad who was a good friend as well as being dad. Mum has been probably too involved in my life since dad died (she missed him) but this long drawn out illness is creating lots of the wrong sort of memories, I don't want too remember mum in this way. I worry about her and how she is being looked after, I've spent hours on my complaint letter, something mum doesn't know anything about as I know she would say "don't upset them, they've still got to look after me" If mum was to pass away in her sleep I'd be upset (I've got tears running down my cheeks writing this) but it would be a release for everyone, most of all for mum.
If I could I'd make two big changes to the system, one would be to improve quality of care, improve training of carers (you need more than a "four day induction" course before you can look after someone with complex health problems, new carers are supposed to be "shadowed" by an experienced carer, but I've never seen that happen) I'd fund all these improvements by giving people a right to end there life at a time they choose (obviously done properly with medical consent etc) Why are we, as a mate of mine put it "wharehousing old people" he showed me a photograph of four old people in a care home (his 94 year old mother being one of them) they were all asleep with mouths open, zimmer frames in front of them, he joked "it's like death row". Like one of the posters above a couple of years ago he had found his mother semi conscious on the floor in her own home, he phoned the ambulance and after a short stay in hospital she then went to the care home. He says he should have locked the door and gone away and come back a few hours later, but in reality how many of us could do that (it's your mum or dad at the end of the day) and most importantly we shouldn't even have to consider it. If you need someone to wipe your arse and your mind has gone there really isn't much point in prolonging your life (suffering) with drugs, no point in being here, (the old ways were better just administer a bit too much morphine and let someone pass away peacefully in there own bed) and as is often said if we treated animals like this we'd be locked up.
Sorry for a very long post, as you can tell it's an emotive subject at the moment.
All the best to @Nearly and family
Edit.... Sorry @Nearly I typed my post before reading to the end of the thread, maybe not the best time to post
Last edited:
- Location
- Wiltshire
- Location
- Near Beeston Castle
As ever I am here not knowing what to say but can't say nothing.
Sorry to hear your tale and hope things get better when they can.
Do try and think back to happier times, but I do understand what you mean.
Nearly
Member
- Location
- North of York
Bloody hell.
A post like that makes me feel lucky.
There has to be a better way to go.
itsalwaysme
Member
- Location
- Cheshire
None of us want to lose a parent, but we don't want to see them suffer either.Bloody hell.
A post like that makes me feel lucky.
There has to be a better way to go.
Thoughts are with you
Thoughts with the folk on this thread who are dealing with both the loss and the day to day pain that is created when you see a loved parent reaching the end.
I had the same earlier this year, Mum was fit, active and ferociously independent. Her last 9 months were her definition of hell, inability to do what she always did and a lack of independence. I saw her the last weekend before she passed away and she said she had "had enough", there was a sense or feeling between us that it would be the last conversation we had.
I can`t fault the under resourced, over pressurised care staff that visited her and it was a relief to the family that she went into hospital and just went to sleep quickly and pain free. She had given up a long time before that and had insisted on a DNR as soon as she arrived in hospital.
The whole "choosing when to go" is a whole new thread but it should be an option.
I had the same earlier this year, Mum was fit, active and ferociously independent. Her last 9 months were her definition of hell, inability to do what she always did and a lack of independence. I saw her the last weekend before she passed away and she said she had "had enough", there was a sense or feeling between us that it would be the last conversation we had.
I can`t fault the under resourced, over pressurised care staff that visited her and it was a relief to the family that she went into hospital and just went to sleep quickly and pain free. She had given up a long time before that and had insisted on a DNR as soon as she arrived in hospital.
The whole "choosing when to go" is a whole new thread but it should be an option.
itsalwaysme
Member
- Location
- Cheshire
We have no problems with the care staff (well with a couple of exceptions) it's a very tough job to do with poor pay considering what's expected of them, it's the management and the "system" that's at fault, The apartment block where mum is there are 40 people who receive regular care visits, on the afternoon shift including bedtime there are TWO carers on duty, not only the 40 people who receive regular care there are a 130 apartments in the building that all have emergency pull cords as well.Thoughts with the folk on this thread who are dealing with both the loss and the day to day pain that is created when you see a loved parent reaching the end.
I had the same earlier this year, Mum was fit, active and ferociously independent. Her last 9 months were her definition of hell, inability to do what she always did and a lack of independence. I saw her the last weekend before she passed away and she said she had "had enough", there was a sense or feeling between us that it would be the last conversation we had.
I can`t fault the under resourced, over pressurised care staff that visited her and it was a relief to the family that she went into hospital and just went to sleep quickly and pain free. She had given up a long time before that and had insisted on a DNR as soon as she arrived in hospital.
The whole "choosing when to go" is a whole new thread but it should be an option.
- Location
- Glen Clova, Angus, DD8 4RD
So sorry to read of your father's decline @Nearly . Deepest sympathies from Holwell Court.
I'm another facing the decline of the old fella. Roy is 84 in April and still feeds his cattle/drives tractors/runs his business every day. He has had several bouts of ill health in the last few years and is now weaker, slightly confused at times and admits to falling over easily. Thankfully he admits he's not fast enough to handle the cattle now and asks for help. It's heartbreaking to watch him decline though from the father I knew 30 years ago.
He had said himself many times "when I'm no use just shoot me and dig a hole" and he'd readily admit that's getting closer by the day now. He's tried of living but not tired of farming. I agree with earlier comments though that his generation's knowledge of many farming matters is huge. He's rightly proud to have spent his life farming.
We all get exasperated with the older generation at some point (unless we're unlucky enough to lose them early) but I it'll come to us all in turn.
I'm another facing the decline of the old fella. Roy is 84 in April and still feeds his cattle/drives tractors/runs his business every day. He has had several bouts of ill health in the last few years and is now weaker, slightly confused at times and admits to falling over easily. Thankfully he admits he's not fast enough to handle the cattle now and asks for help. It's heartbreaking to watch him decline though from the father I knew 30 years ago.
He had said himself many times "when I'm no use just shoot me and dig a hole" and he'd readily admit that's getting closer by the day now. He's tried of living but not tired of farming. I agree with earlier comments though that his generation's knowledge of many farming matters is huge. He's rightly proud to have spent his life farming.
We all get exasperated with the older generation at some point (unless we're unlucky enough to lose them early) but I it'll come to us all in turn.
Andy044
Member
My condolences @Nearly
Seeing the end coming never makes it any easier.
I'm grateful that my mum is still with us but with many health complaints, stretching back over 20 years we never know for how much longer. Its frustrating but you can only do what you can to help, we've been through hospital visits, a&e, intensive care and DNR but mum is still fighting on and is still here. You can never take them for granted.
Seeing the end coming never makes it any easier.
I'm grateful that my mum is still with us but with many health complaints, stretching back over 20 years we never know for how much longer. Its frustrating but you can only do what you can to help, we've been through hospital visits, a&e, intensive care and DNR but mum is still fighting on and is still here. You can never take them for granted.
Don't be deceived by the picture on the left, om twenty years older now (78) and getting forgetful, ya know when ya can't recall people names when yo suddenly meet them.
I had a son and lost him seventeen years ago killed on the farm, he was just at a stage, age 21, where he would elbow me out of the way, and say " come on let me finish that, you go and get ya tea" that I miss very much, then last year I lost my wife, she died of a broken heart we never got over his loss.
After we had lost him, we had a lot of his friends came helping with TB testing and the like, we had a suckler herd and all the followers,
One morning I was going to load up two big bullocks through the crush into the trailer on my own, and the first one went in okay the second one walked almost in the stepped one step back, its arse hit the crush gate and sprung it back on my head. When it stepped forward again I close the trailer tail board, only to realise I had blood running down me face.
One of Matt's mates took the cattle to market and another took me to hospital and had six stitches in me yed. The following day I had two black eyes and face all bruised, it was a very close call when you think back and one where you could not call ya phone for help if ya were knocked out.
I have retired now to a smaller house in the village (never in all my life have I ever lived in an "empty house on me own") and started writing down a lot of my memories some of in verse, and have some relative to this thread and written from personal experience.
Getting older
To appreciate the life we live, and with whom we share,
Makes you stop and think a while, of whom are we aware
Families grow and soon our turn, to be old and stern,
Though happiness flows up hill, days like that return.
All through life the up’s and downs, to memory are consigned,
And only the extremes of these stay vivid in your mind.
The day we first met, the first date, all come flooding back,
The talking and sharing ideas, of all the life ahead on track,
Who can foresee what paths we take, long which there’s no return,
Events of life crop up on way, and leave life’s lasting pattern,
Friends make life so smooth and lasting, when you think all’s lost,
They crop up just the right time, especially when with hell accost.
Memories must be in right order, when they’re being told,
Happy one’s for the children, they will help them with life’s mould,
They will stumble soon enough, across paths of life their own,
It is our job as elders, to tell them they’re not alone,
A trouble shared is trouble halved can do without the strife
Happiness will follow on, over the rolling hills of life.
Owd Fred
I had a son and lost him seventeen years ago killed on the farm, he was just at a stage, age 21, where he would elbow me out of the way, and say " come on let me finish that, you go and get ya tea" that I miss very much, then last year I lost my wife, she died of a broken heart we never got over his loss.
After we had lost him, we had a lot of his friends came helping with TB testing and the like, we had a suckler herd and all the followers,
One morning I was going to load up two big bullocks through the crush into the trailer on my own, and the first one went in okay the second one walked almost in the stepped one step back, its arse hit the crush gate and sprung it back on my head. When it stepped forward again I close the trailer tail board, only to realise I had blood running down me face.
One of Matt's mates took the cattle to market and another took me to hospital and had six stitches in me yed. The following day I had two black eyes and face all bruised, it was a very close call when you think back and one where you could not call ya phone for help if ya were knocked out.
I have retired now to a smaller house in the village (never in all my life have I ever lived in an "empty house on me own") and started writing down a lot of my memories some of in verse, and have some relative to this thread and written from personal experience.
Getting older
To appreciate the life we live, and with whom we share,
Makes you stop and think a while, of whom are we aware
Families grow and soon our turn, to be old and stern,
Though happiness flows up hill, days like that return.
All through life the up’s and downs, to memory are consigned,
And only the extremes of these stay vivid in your mind.
The day we first met, the first date, all come flooding back,
The talking and sharing ideas, of all the life ahead on track,
Who can foresee what paths we take, long which there’s no return,
Events of life crop up on way, and leave life’s lasting pattern,
Friends make life so smooth and lasting, when you think all’s lost,
They crop up just the right time, especially when with hell accost.
Memories must be in right order, when they’re being told,
Happy one’s for the children, they will help them with life’s mould,
They will stumble soon enough, across paths of life their own,
It is our job as elders, to tell them they’re not alone,
A trouble shared is trouble halved can do without the strife
Happiness will follow on, over the rolling hills of life.
Owd Fred
What this thread is all about, has happened the wrong way round fa me, I'm an owd geezer, livin on me own, but I do have two very attentive daughter who, keep a close eye on me.
They provided me with a new mobile phone with an ICE button, (In Case of Emergency) when pressed, it will first phone them and progressively ring six other number until someone answers. When paramedics arrive they always look at your phone first, and will find my medical information (if ya diabetic and the like) who my doctor is and where I live.
I have pressed it inadvertently a few times while in me pocket, leaning over sommat, and they phone me back instantly in an almighty panic, and I have to explain what happened. (It doesn't do to cry wolf too often)
This I wrote bout five years ago.
As Old as what you Feel,
They always say that your, as old as what you feel,
Only now I like to have knap, after almost every meal,
And in the night get disturbed, got to water me hoss,
So now I think I must be old, me legs I cannot cross.
The old body that I’ve worked with, all my living years,
Getting tired and old as well, confirming all my fears,
Joints get stiff and muscles ache, cannot move so fast,
Stumble over rough ground, getting all harassed.
I cannot read the paper, until my glasses I must find,
Remember where I put them, must be getting blind,
The misses she has got them on, cannot find her own,
Each of us both as bad, but then we shouldna moan.
Feet I conna reach right now, back won’t bend so much,
Got to have chiropodist, corns and toe nails to retouch,
Dad always said that, you’re only as good as your feet,
But then he was talking bout, horse’s cows and bullocks for meat.
Hair it has all gone grey, and very thin on top,
Need a hat in winter, the freezing cold wind to stop,
No insulation gainst the cold, a wig I got in mind,
But then its two lots of hair to comb, as well as going blind.
Ya mind is getting slower, reactions far too late,
The young ones like to drive, my driving they berate,
A dent or two I don’t mind, but it frightens them to death,
When they’re sitting in the back and cannot catch their breath.
So now I try to look relaxed, put me feet up on me chair
Central heating turned up, find me glasses and combed me hair,
Slippers on oh what bliss, the telly’s far too loud,
Lost the bloody controller now, good job were not too proud.
Owd Fred
They provided me with a new mobile phone with an ICE button, (In Case of Emergency) when pressed, it will first phone them and progressively ring six other number until someone answers. When paramedics arrive they always look at your phone first, and will find my medical information (if ya diabetic and the like) who my doctor is and where I live.
I have pressed it inadvertently a few times while in me pocket, leaning over sommat, and they phone me back instantly in an almighty panic, and I have to explain what happened. (It doesn't do to cry wolf too often)
This I wrote bout five years ago.
As Old as what you Feel,
They always say that your, as old as what you feel,
Only now I like to have knap, after almost every meal,
And in the night get disturbed, got to water me hoss,
So now I think I must be old, me legs I cannot cross.
The old body that I’ve worked with, all my living years,
Getting tired and old as well, confirming all my fears,
Joints get stiff and muscles ache, cannot move so fast,
Stumble over rough ground, getting all harassed.
I cannot read the paper, until my glasses I must find,
Remember where I put them, must be getting blind,
The misses she has got them on, cannot find her own,
Each of us both as bad, but then we shouldna moan.
Feet I conna reach right now, back won’t bend so much,
Got to have chiropodist, corns and toe nails to retouch,
Dad always said that, you’re only as good as your feet,
But then he was talking bout, horse’s cows and bullocks for meat.
Hair it has all gone grey, and very thin on top,
Need a hat in winter, the freezing cold wind to stop,
No insulation gainst the cold, a wig I got in mind,
But then its two lots of hair to comb, as well as going blind.
Ya mind is getting slower, reactions far too late,
The young ones like to drive, my driving they berate,
A dent or two I don’t mind, but it frightens them to death,
When they’re sitting in the back and cannot catch their breath.
So now I try to look relaxed, put me feet up on me chair
Central heating turned up, find me glasses and combed me hair,
Slippers on oh what bliss, the telly’s far too loud,
Lost the bloody controller now, good job were not too proud.
Owd Fred
keep writing good stuff
Nearly
Member
- Location
- North of York
I was doing well till I read that.
I have read through all the posts on this thread, and every situation is different,
I do not have mental capacity nowadays to remember all the details but the general gist is that, we do not know our destiny, and its a good job too.
Six years ago I was diagnosed with prostrate cancer, and it put my wife through hell, she imagined that she might be left alone with the farm to sort out and organise dispersal of live and dead stock. As it happened it was caught soon enough to be controlled and I have now been taken off the annual check-ups, and we retired to a house in the village.
We had only been in the new smaller house for 141 days when my dear lost her battle of life, and will to live.
This I wrote to the memory of my dear wife who passed away 27 February 2015 , it was printed on the order of service and read out in Church. May she rest in peace.
Eileen, The Foundation Rock of our Family.
A house is just a pile of bricks, and then becomes a home,
A home is where the heart is, where you’ve no more need to roam,
It’s there to rear our family, it’s full of love and joy,
The work and play remembered, our memories to deploy.
Mother in our household, her love was all around,
She was the kingpin of the family, she was our queen uncrowned,
For guidance and opinion, she would always do her best,
To keep us close around her, our home it was her nest.
She always filled the pantry, as if a famine was about to hit,
Would “feed the forty thousand”, it was her life’s remit,
A slice of cake a cup of tea, was the least she ever gave,
Her laughter and her happiness, on our minds it is engraved.
She was generous and giving, and would give you her last dime,
“It would always come back in other ways” she told us many a time,
But now she’s left us “home alone” and taught us how to live,
Be kind to all of those around you, and best of all forgive.
With deepest love and affection,
OwdFred
A house is just a pile of bricks, and then becomes a home,
A home is where the heart is, where you’ve no more need to roam,
It’s there to rear our family, it’s full of love and joy,
The work and play remembered, our memories to deploy.
Mother in our household, her love was all around,
She was the kingpin of the family, she was our queen uncrowned,
For guidance and opinion, she would always do her best,
To keep us close around her, our home it was her nest.
She always filled the pantry, as if a famine was about to hit,
Would “feed the forty thousand”, it was her life’s remit,
A slice of cake a cup of tea, was the least she ever gave,
Her laughter and her happiness, on our minds it is engraved.
She was generous and giving, and would give you her last dime,
“It would always come back in other ways” she told us many a time,
But now she’s left us “home alone” and taught us how to live,
Be kind to all of those around you, and best of all forgive.
With deepest love and affection,
OwdFred
The inscription on her headstone was taken from that poem
She was the kingpin of the family,
She was our queen uncrowned,
Her laughter and her happiness,
Her love was all around.
She was our queen uncrowned,
Her laughter and her happiness,
Her love was all around.
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