Pathalogical Narcassism (Control freak)and the damage it causes to family members

eternal peter pan

Member
Mixed Farmer
i would think there have been thousands of family buisness over the years ,not just farming that have been ruined by haveing a controlling member who exerts their will over everyone else in the family /buisness...these poeple can be thought of as control freaks / phycos /dillusions of grandure /never wrong /geriatric toddlers/my way or the highway......The people who suffer fron the condition of PATHALOGICAL NARCASSISM wreek havock on those around them and have probably led to more (in this case) farming family breakdowns/farm breakdowns/sales etc that probably any other factor other than financial or no future generations to come back .Bear in mind that a personality disorder is by definition a disorder of a persons personality....it cant be fixed with drugs or therapy as the person wont think there is anything wrong with them (IT ALL EVERONE ELSES FAULT)....if anyone out there reading this post and can relate to being in a position of being controlled by someone else ,then i highly recommend you research this condition and then reaserch the effects it will have on yourselfs and you might have that lightbulb moment that can explain why you feel /act /react to your own circumstances. In my circumstances it enabled me to realise why i did or didnt do things ,why i didnt want to get into a confrontation or argue with this person as i would always lose irrispective if i was right or wrong... I googled 'the effects a pathalogical narcassist has on their family/children' PLEASE TAKE 10 MINUTES OF YOUR LIFE TO READ ABOUT THIS CONDITION and the damage it can cause to anyone who is unlucky enough to be caught in these peoples orbit of influence,,,,,,,,,please comment if after doing some reasearch it has alterred your perseption as to why what is happening to you ,is happening to you........i put up with being coercively controlled for decades and now after reading about this condition that someone else has i can start to deal with the issues it has created ....good luck and hope someone benifits from the insight you hopefully will gain
 

PSQ

Member
Arable Farmer
Location
Scottish Borders
'Borderline Personality Disorder' is another similar condition worth reading about. It affects about 1 in a hundred people and can run in families. As per the OP's post it usually manifests itself as extreme narcissism with the need to control those around them, and when you read the list of associated behaviours I'll bet you can name someone in your local community that ticks every box.
 

eternal peter pan

Member
Mixed Farmer
it also gets worse with time as the effects of age and ill health inflame their moods even more ...the concept of a grumpy old man takes on a literal meaning and no escapeing for those around
 

chipchap

Member
Mixed Farmer
Location
South Shropshire
Nobody needs to explain NPD to me, unfortunately.

There are three main causes, genetics, too much adulation and praise as a child, or abandonment as a child.

Good parenting rarely produces a narcissist, but sadly poor parenting is on the increase and the disorder is becoming more and more common.

The condition tends to run through the generations in disfunctional families.
 
Last edited:

Uggman

Member
Livestock Farmer
@eternal peter pan, May I respectfully suggest you take more time over your posts as the poor grammar, spelling and punctuation mistakes make them difficult to read and understand. Such posts make the writer look less intelligent than they presumably are, as well as distracting the reader from the thrust of the comments.
I dodn't tink it wes that bed
 

Flatlander

Member
Arable Farmer
Location
Lorette Manitoba
I agree that we all know someone that’s controlling, depends on the circumstances that that person want to control. In the house my wife is boss. Kids are pretty much her domain too unless I really see that it’s not then and only then do I speak up. The farm is my concern. Wife rarely wants to cross into uncharted territory and interfere. Although I like to mention what’s happening just to keep her involved as no one likes living in the dark. By nature I’m a tight ass money saver so Mrs F knows a bunch of new toys won’t be breaking the bank. I hear so many stories of farm families splitting up from an apparent over controlling person but when the dust settles the controller was only trying to keep things together. Spouses and the next generation can often not see what work goes into holding a business above water let alone having it transition over to others with success. Shared goals and respect are needed. Not an iron fist.
 

chipchap

Member
Mixed Farmer
Location
South Shropshire
I agree that we all know someone that’s controlling, depends on the circumstances that that person want to control. In the house my wife is boss. Kids are pretty much her domain too unless I really see that it’s not then and only then do I speak up. The farm is my concern. Wife rarely wants to cross into uncharted territory and interfere. Although I like to mention what’s happening just to keep her involved as no one likes living in the dark. By nature I’m a tight ass money saver so Mrs F knows a bunch of new toys won’t be breaking the bank. I hear so many stories of farm families splitting up from an apparent over controlling person but when the dust settles the controller was only trying to keep things together. Spouses and the next generation can often not see what work goes into holding a business above water let alone having it transition over to others with success. Shared goals and respect are needed. Not an iron fist.
You're not talking about Narcissism, you're talking about division of responsibility, and the control function in management.
Amongst a group of individuals there is always a pecking order, which is usually healthy.
A narcissist is another thing all together. They often make those around them very anxious and unhappy, although complaint is rare, because those subservient to them know its easier to let the narcissist have their way. They have their "flying monkeys" who do their dirty work without question. They are attention seeking and always seek the limelight, never mind the expense to their so called loved ones. They are grandiose and think they are entitled to the best of everything. They lack empathy and cannot see any situation from any viewpoint other than their own. They are shallow and use others without consideration, as long as their own selfish needs are met.

Best avoided.
 

GeorgeK

Member
Location
Leicestershire
I think narcissists do have empathy but they are far too concerned about themselves for it to ever see the light of day. It's often wrongly assumed that narcissists love themselves but actually they hate themselves and their toxic behavior is their hopeless attempts to try and feel like they are better than everyone else.
There are several types of narcissist; grandiose as discussed above and another type is the 'vulnerable' narcissist.
Vulnerable narcissism is characterised by defensiveness, hypersensitivity and withdrawal. They fear abandonment, have chronic feelings of emptiness and can be self destructive. They are so scared of failing that often they do nothing at all and are extremely critical of themselves. They swing constantly between 'praise me, pity me' behaviours. They are desperate for people to like them but will never let anyone get close because their initially likable character is only a facade with no substance behind it.
Narcissists didn't choose to be the way they are, they were formed at an early age and sadly it's generally believed there is no cure. In practice their behaviour is so poisonous to everyone around them the best thing to do is stay well away.
 
Last edited:

DrWazzock

Member
Arable Farmer
Location
Lincolnshire
One persons “pathological narcissist” can be somebody else’s experienced older family member with a firm but fair hand on the tiller.
Every manager I worked for in industry could have fitted the description of pathological narcissist. It was their way or the highway. They didn’t ask you, they told you. They bulldozed things through with the force of their personality. It was a survival mechanism. It was how it worked. You had to trust and respect them. It wouldn’t have worked at all if we’d asked everybody for their opinion and respected it. It would have been chaos. If you disagreed strongly enough you left the company either voluntarily or compulsorily. Don’t forget either that the “boss” is under all sorts of pressures that he takes on the chin for those who stand behind him.
As my French boss used to say to me when he was going for a roasting on behalf of the department, “C’est Bon etre chef!”
 

Flatlander

Member
Arable Farmer
Location
Lorette Manitoba
One persons “pathological narcissist” can be somebody else’s experienced older family member with a firm but fair hand on the tiller.
Every manager I worked for in industry could have fitted the description of pathological narcissist. It was their way or the highway. They didn’t ask you, they told you. They bulldozed things through with the force of their personality. It was a survival mechanism. It was how it worked. You had to trust and respect them. It wouldn’t have worked at all if we’d asked everybody for their opinion and respected it. It would have been chaos. If you disagreed strongly enough you left the company either voluntarily or compulsorily. Don’t forget either that the “boss” is under all sorts of pressures that he takes on the chin for those who stand behind him.
As my French boss used to say to me when he was going for a roasting on behalf of the department, “C’est Bon etre chef!”
Too many snot nosed lazy pricks think they can do as they please once they have the job. They forget the boss probably did his time with a hard headed boss but knew his place and got on with the job.
 

eternal peter pan

Member
Mixed Farmer
So out of anyone who has responded on this thread or are reading it ,how many have had direct contact or suppression from someone with this disorder .Many respondants to these threads say to walk away or stay away .This is easier said than done ,if its a family farm with decades of involvement >To have to throw it all away because someone in control has an increasingly toxic sway over everyone in their orbit ,can have an increadably detrimental effect on their futures ,finances and mental well being. Anyone got any thing to help or know of any organisations that could offer support
 

MrNoo

Member
Arable Farmer
Location
Cirencester
I have, how do you cope? You get numb to it after a while, let it wash over you, early doors it used to affect me but doesnt now. Fortunately I have nothing to do with the person any more. I just had to endure it which I did.
I find it very sad that a person can be like that but it's what makes them tick, a very unhappy life, no friends just greed, manipulation, lies and more lies. I attended my fathers funeral during lockdown and there were 6 of us, I maintain that when the narc goes they'll be just 2 attend, her offspring and that's it.
A more unpleasant person you couldnt meet
 

eternal peter pan

Member
Mixed Farmer
Because there is becomeing more awareness of this disorder ,then hopefully it can at some time in the future be treated the same way as controlling coertion in a marrige .Im not sure if its illegal but its deffineatly not alowed. Should be up there with sexism and raceism in todays society
 
So out of anyone who has responded on this thread or are reading it ,how many have had direct contact or suppression from someone with this disorder .Many respondants to these threads say to walk away or stay away .This is easier said than done ,if its a family farm with decades of involvement >To have to throw it all away because someone in control has an increasingly toxic sway over everyone in their orbit ,can have an increadably detrimental effect on their futures ,finances and mental well being. Anyone got any thing to help or know of any organisations that could offer support

I have experience of it in spades.
 
I think narcissists do have empathy but they are far too concerned about themselves for it to ever see the light of day. It's often wrongly assumed that narcissists love themselves but actually they hate themselves and their toxic behavior is their hopeless attempts to try and feel like they are better than everyone else.
There are several types of narcissist; grandiose as discussed above and another type is the 'vulnerable' narcissist.
Vulnerable narcissism is characterised by defensiveness, hypersensitivity and withdrawal. They fear abandonment, have chronic feelings of emptiness and can be self destructive. They are so scared of failing that often they do nothing at all and are extremely critical of themselves. They swing constantly between 'praise me, pity me' behaviours. They are desperate for people to like them but will never let anyone get close because their initially likable character is only a facade with no substance behind it.
Narcissists didn't choose to be the way they are, they were formed at an early age and sadly it's generally believed there is no cure. In practice their behaviour is so poisonous to everyone around them the best thing to do is stay well away.

I don't think narcissism or narcissist are helpful terms in this context. To me, it implies a trait or behaviour someone has control over and elected to exhibit and they are inherently negative. I don't like labels at all for this very reason- as you go on to say: 'they didn't choose the way the are'. In reality we are talking about a probable mental health condition, and for these some 'cures' exist.
 
One persons “pathological narcissist” can be somebody else’s experienced older family member with a firm but fair hand on the tiller.
Every manager I worked for in industry could have fitted the description of pathological narcissist. It was their way or the highway. They didn’t ask you, they told you. They bulldozed things through with the force of their personality. It was a survival mechanism. It was how it worked. You had to trust and respect them. It wouldn’t have worked at all if we’d asked everybody for their opinion and respected it. It would have been chaos. If you disagreed strongly enough you left the company either voluntarily or compulsorily. Don’t forget either that the “boss” is under all sorts of pressures that he takes on the chin for those who stand behind him.
As my French boss used to say to me when he was going for a roasting on behalf of the department, “C’est Bon etre chef!”

In today's modern workplace, this kind of attitude is surely disappearing. Not just because employees are so sought after for virtually everything, but because everything is seems increasingly litigious these days.
 

eternal peter pan

Member
Mixed Farmer
I don't think narcissism or narcissist are helpful terms in this context. To me, it implies a trait or behaviour someone has control over and elected to exhibit and they are inherently negative. I don't like labels at all for this very reason- as you go on to say: 'they didn't choose the way the are'. In reality we are talking about a probable mental health condition, and for these some 'cures' exist.
But a large part of the problem, is that these people dont think they have a problem ....Its everyone else who has the problem .So wont seek treatment or want treatment or have it forced on them .As most advisers advise ,is to get as far away as possible ..Not easy if you are trapped in a buisiness relationship with them
 
Location
Wales
I have a situation atm with a friend's father... Where he is very controlling and will wind people up until they threaten to kill him and then he will turn it around on himself making himself the victim as if ''oh look I did nothing and they lashed out at me''. The sad thing is he applies so much pressure to get his own way whenever somebody cracks they don't then have all the proof unless the person you're showing the proof to knows how the manipulation works etc... so you look like you're overreacting... What would you call this behavior? I have been told it is narcissism and I am pretty sure it is definitely coercive controlling behavior, but is it?
 

Make Tax Digital Software Poll

  • Quickbooks

    Votes: 33 16.8%
  • Sage

    Votes: 20 10.2%
  • Xero

    Votes: 89 45.4%
  • Other

    Votes: 54 27.6%

Man fined £300 for bonfire-related waste offences

  • 144
  • 0
Written by William Kellett from Agriland

court-640x360.jpg
A man has pleaded guilty at Newtownards Magistrates’ Court to waste offences relating to a bonfire next to the electrical sub-station on the Circular Road in Newtownards, Co. Down.

Gareth Gill (51) of Abbot’s Walk, Newtownards pleaded guilty to two charges under the Waste and Contaminated Land (Northern Ireland) Order 1997, for which he was fined £150 each and ordered to pay a £15 offender’s levy

On June 25, 2018, PSNI officers went to Gill’s yard, where they found a large amount of waste consisting of scrap wood, pallets, carpet and underlay.

Discussion with Northern Ireland Environment Agency (NIEA) officers confirmed the site...
Top