Ploughing Banter - aka did the earth move for you ;)

[rusty nuts]

Civil engineering old bean... the greater trouble being that there has never really been anything civil about it.

You can always tell a yorkshire man but you can't tell him much . Yorkshire born yorkshire bred thick int arm thick int head.

 

[rusty nuts]

Just one more cat story!!

I am thinking about buying that cat back and hiring it out at £20 per day to anyone who wants dogs removing from there yard!!

This cat can ride any dog from a jack Russell to a Great Dane! When this cat walked down the yard all the dogs would disappear!!

I have seen dogs do forward rolls, back flips and summer salts to get this cat off there backs!

Any suggestions of who could do with a visit from this cat!?!

Does it like meat pies like the ones we have at your match . And when you guess who it is don't tell.

 

[Howard150]

You can always tell a yorkshire man but you can't tell him much . Yorkshire born yorkshire bred thick int arm thick int head.

When it comes ter tellin Tykes
Tha needs ter git it right
Yorkshire born n'Yorkshire bred
STRONG in't arm an STRONG in't ead

 

[Roy Stokes]

Howard goes to Headingley....(a short poem)

This eers a tale might raise a smile
Recently a feller rang me
“Said young man I need a shed
Call in soon we can talk an ave a cup of tea”

Theere n'then we made t'appointment
For t'next Friday week
“I'm in Tockwith just near Wetheby
Its not hard ter seek”

On't due day A set off early
Not wantin ter be late
Allus best ter be on time
Once ye'v set a date.

“Good mornin Howard
My names Pete
This eers Roy, my architect n’ planner
Thanks fer cummin – really really nice to meet an greet”

“Now then Howard I must say
Thats a proper Yorkshire name
Is tha from't Castle out near York?
The one thats called the same?”

Imagine my shock horror finding out
Comes from Oldham – what yer like
Not from Yorkshire - owert brew
Im not being a proper Tyke

He said don’t worry Howard, noting my concern
Iv'e bin adopted see
I’m a Director o' that Yorkshire bastion
Our own and very famous, beloved YCCC!

YORKSHIRE COUNTY CRICKET CLUB!
Now who’d ave ever thowght!
To work fer 'im then what an honour!
(Still it won’t get done for nowt!)

Just in general discourse, talkin as yer do
Confided in me – honest speakin to be fair
“We ave some problems with our pitch
Wickets shot its getting poor n'somewhat rather bare”

“Imagine Herbert Sutcliffe, Illingworth, Close n’ Hutton
Fiery Fred (sometimes known to get irate)
All frownin down dismayed at this old hallowed wicket
How its let ter get in such a state”
This is hardly cricket!

He said “Not wishing to be rude”
"Tha looks an agricultural breed”
“Appens tha knows best place we can get
A bag o yon grass seed”

Ye’ve appened on’t right feller
No sooiner said than done
I ave a mate who has a pal
Sells grass seed by the tonne

A ley for every purpose - leisure, dairy too
This mans an inspiration
A new variety he just got
An its called compensation

This new variety’s summat else
Its properties amazing
All the benefits of Westerwold as well as bin’
More durable for playing on or grazing!

Compensation will indeed
All your purpose meet
Its growth rate can be measured
More in terms of feet

Not only can a sort yer t’seed
I ave some tractors, RSLD number 9 an a TS86
A former British champion, acomplished and proud
When it comes to ploughing, I know all’ot tricks

Imagine all my childhood dreams
My chest stuck out wi’ pride
To set a rig on hallowed ground
Inch perfect finishes either side!

Them RND’s beyond compare on grass
Seamed it out skimmed it proper way
Int ivvery day tha gits ter plough
A hundred year old ley!

Head groundsman scowled, a dour sort
Not kind to take cajoling
“Mek sure them furr holes and that rig
Run both same way as’t bowling”

When it was duly sowed n’ rolled
Afore too long it grew
And grew and grew and grew and grew
To’t very consternation of all o’them as knew

We’ll ave to get new ride on mowers
To handle this a’d say
An put em all on double shifts
To keep this lot at bay!

It wan’t that long afore all’t groundsmen
Were complaining - in a rage
“And them wi all this overtime
Bet they wont moan ower their next wage!”

One o’t groundsmen kicking stones
He looked a proper brute
Said this is bound to slow down’t wicket
If it gets ower long we’ll need a lifeline on Joe Root
Another one more amenable
Wi a profile slightly fuller
Said by eck dun’t this grow fast
An such a bonny colour

‘What about t’ Directors
If they begin to shout?’
“Just rustle up some proxy votes
An’ kick them jokers out!”

What about t’accountant
He’s done a daftish deed
He’s entered compensation in our books
But wrote it as grass seed!

‘All these goins on whatever next am fair dun in
A could do a proper brew
A wouldn’t mind an ice cream either’
“Accountant he knows just the man can sort all that lot too”

‘Accountant says to watch our spending
You know how bad it looks’
The caterer and ice cream man that he knows
Needn’t allus show in’t books”

Tha needs ter ask thi accountant
With his nitpicking and and his thrift
Why Catering and ice cream is donations and concessions
If you cotton on an’ get my drift

Nivver ivver have I heard
Such a tale afore
Concessions is just rates reduced
For pensioners payin cash ont door

Tween thee and me yon accountant
Needs takin close in hand
An maybe swappin for someone writes honest books
As folk can understand

Members won’t believe the books
It’s a sad day for our club
As honest institutions go
Then this was allus quite a hub

The moral of this story is
If tha deals in large amounts
Mek sure its allus written honest, right
In them there damned accounts!

Good thing about all these poems
All this wit and an all this strife
Could never happen in real life…….

An if yer believe that you’ll believe owt!

I thought you said " short poem"
I hope to have enough time this evening to read this !

 

[Howard150]

I thought you said " short poem"
I hope to have enough time this evening to read this !

No bother - it'll ony take a tick
A wrote it very very slow
For them as can't read quick

 

[tcn ploughman]

I'm looking for some grass seed,
To spread upon my lawn,
This compensation grass seed.
Seems just what I ought to own

Should I get from Doncaster
As that seems to be where it's at
Or can I get it from the oss man
Perhaps he keeps it in his hat

The man that explains the books
Said it was a misprint
He seems shady in his looks
But covers most things not a hint

That's all for now I must go
The weather here is very hot
So I need to get ice cream man in tow
Perhaps he puts the money in SOP pot

Sorry if it doesn't all rhyme not up to Howards standard

 

[arcobob]

I`m stretching my imagination
How come grass spells compensation?
Someone told a porky pie
Mixing handouts up with rye.

 

[arcobob]

I thought you said " short poem"
I hope to have enough time this evening to read this !

Depends what else you have planned

 

[Dealer]

Depends what else you have planned

Or Promised

 

[Fergie Ploughman]

My Yorkshire mate always recited it as "Yorkshire born, Yorkshire bred, strong in't arm and good in't bed!"

When it comes ter tellin Tykes
Tha needs ter git it right
Yorkshire born n'Yorkshire bred
STRONG in't arm an STRONG in't ead

 

[Howard150]

My Yorkshire mate always recited it as "Yorkshire born, Yorkshire bred, strong in't arm and good in't bed!"

Would have thought they were both on't plus side anyway Charlie!

 

[rusty nuts]

Was the grass seed a pund a ston

 

[Howard150]

Was the grass seed a pund a ston

Actually Nutso
It was three hapence a pund!
Tell me - however did we offend you or are you desperate to be a Tyke?

 

[rusty nuts]

Can ya bring me 45 pund to john Plowrights match a week on sunday Howard but don't say my name on here. Thanks

 

[Howard150]

Can ya bring me 45 pund to john Plowrights match a week on sunday Howard but don't say my name on here. Thanks

Told JP at 9.00 this morning who you were

No problem with the £45 but if you remember I did ask for bank details in order to transfer it. However - look forward to seeing you a week on Sunday - Simon
Lets not forget though - you have missed the last two matches

 

[rusty nuts]

Told JP at 9.00 this morning who you were

No problem with the £45 but if you remember I did ask for bank details in order to transfer it. However - look forward to seeing you a week on Sunday - Simon
Lets not forget though - you have missed the last two matches

Don't worry about it pay me when you see me i said i don;t think you will leave the country for it.

 

[tcn ploughman]

Just one more cat story!!

I am thinking about buying that cat back and hiring it out at £20 per day to anyone who wants dogs removing from there yard!!

This cat can ride any dog from a jack Russell to a Great Dane! When this cat walked down the yard all the dogs would disappear!!

I have seen dogs do forward rolls, back flips and summer salts to get this cat off there backs!

Any suggestions of who could do with a visit from this cat!?!

Hi Maurice perhaps the office could use one to get rid of all the Diddy Old Gang S***s (DOGS) by the way did you get an invite to Sams 80th on Monday

 

[Mrichardson]

Hi Maurice perhaps the office could use one to get rid of all the Diddy Old Gang S***s (DOGS) by the way did you get an invite to Sams 80th on Monday

Here's another poem for you to read, sorry it's not to do with ploughing or farming but I am sure our Yorkshire poet will move things about and put other names in and make it suit our cause;

The dogs once held a meeting
They came from far and near
Some arrived by aeroplane and others came by car
But there inside the city hall
They weren't allowed to look
They had to take their arseholes out and hang them on a hook
They rushed inside each bitch, pup and sire
No sooner had they got sat down
When someone shouted FIRE
They all rushed out with panic struck
And grabbed an arsehole from any bodies hook
They got their arseholes all mixed up, which made them very sore
To have to wear an arsehole that they'd never worn before
And that's the reason why you see
When walking down the street
A dog will stop and smell with every dog he meets
And that's the reason why, a dog will leave a beefy bone
To go and smell an arsehole to see if it's his own.

To TCN
Yes, I liked your poem. No I didn't get an invite to Sam's 80th. I am very disappointed I could have been the main speaker. Never mind, I shall let his tyres down on Sunday.
Maurice

 

[arcobob]

Here's another poem for you to read, sorry it's not to do with ploughing or farming but I am sure our Yorkshire poet will move things about and put other names in and make it suit our cause;

The dogs once held a meeting
They came from far and near
Some arrived by aeroplane and others came by car
But there inside the city hall
They weren't allowed to look
They had to take their arseholes out and hang them on a hook
They rushed inside each bitch, pup and sire
No sooner had they got sat down
When someone shouted FIRE
They all rushed out with panic struck
And grabbed an arsehole from any bodies hook
They got their arseholes all mixed up, which made them very sore
To have to wear an arsehole that they'd never worn before
And that's the reason why you see
When walking down the street
A dog will stop and smell with every dog he meets
And that's the reason why, a dog will leave a beefy bone
To go and smell an arsehole to see if it's his own.

To TCN
Yes, I liked your poem. No I didn't get an invite to Sam's 80th. I am very disappointed I could have been the main speaker. Never mind, I shall let his tyres down on Sunday.
Maurice

I think it was Doncaster Rovers supporters only

 

[Howard150]

Sarn ploughing match - very topical but just as a welcome - surely not coincidence - but new grass seed varieties on show today....

Guesses please as to which is Westerwold .......and which is Compensation?.