Spending quality time as a family

MillyFyfe

Member
Mixed Farmer
Well a bit of interesting reading on here, and myself after divorces and 2 kids, have come to the conclusion that, working all the hours God sends and hardly seeing her never mind the kids, that there is just really not enough hours in the day, why you ask ?,
Well while your out there working 16 hours a day, when divorce comes along they will want 8 of them hours, as she could take half of them through the courts, so half of every thing adds up i can tell you, (twice)
Now if you worked 10 hours a day, you could be 2 hours better off, as the other 6 can be spent in family time, and lesson the chance of a split,
As for them saying, they can't afford to have time off, then your hobby is not paying enough, or you have bitten off more than you can chew, as for saying you cannot have time away, b0llocks, what would happen if you broke a leg or got ill, you would have to get someone in to help, or change the work load,
Its not a sign of weakness or failure to spend time with your family, nor should it be seen as such, as for the kids, yes you will miss them growing up, and that is something that is lost forever, to the point 1 of my kids does not speak to me, and the grandfather wanting to see the grandchildren thing, mainly comes from the fact they missed out on their own kids childhood,

Ask yourself the big question, why did you marry our wife ?
Was it someone you wanted to spend your whole life with, to love and care for, share and enjoy being together as one union, and cherish time together ?
Or someone that will be home with meals on the table, a ride whenever you fancy it, someone unpaid to cook clean and wash your clothes, oh and if some kids come along, then she might as well bring them up on her own as well, as your too busy for any of that stuff,
Just sit a moment and think, if the tables were turned, could you cope doing what your wife does ?. (I thought about this many years to late, as you cannot see the wood from the trees at the time)
Yes I made some bad mistakes working to much, and there is time it hurts emotionally of what I did by just not being there,
Yes we all need to work, but work to live, not live to work,
Also consider this, which is your number 1 priority, is it A, your family, or B. your work,
If your so lucky that your wife is not demanding, then it may not take a lot of your time,
If she is demanding then it will take more of your time, either way don't take her for granted, remember that you made the choice to say I do in church, so just get on and do it, I didn't and that was my down fall,

Hindsight is a wonderful thing, if I had known this 20 years sooner, than when I realised things could of been a lot different,
Some really wise words there. I did have words at the weekend and actually we went out for the day yesterday. We had a walk and a picnic and it was lovely. Just what we needed. No stress, no fuss, just a few hours together
 

MillyFyfe

Member
Mixed Farmer
My daughter's boyfriend was talking about some of his "family days out" (his parents are farmers too) and I can quite clearly remember thinking "family days out? I can't remember any family days out" - and I realised that there never were any.
My husband never had any family days out as a child. When I was a kid we went on bucket and spade holidays and trips to the zoo etc. Nothing fancy but time as a family. Thankfully we did get a day out for a walk and picnic yesterday which was just what was needed.

I am not asking the earth am I to have the odd day once in a while (once a month?) to have a change of scenery?
 

MillyFyfe

Member
Mixed Farmer
Are you from a farming background? It sounds as if you aren’t. My wife isn’t.
She realises that it’s important to have some time out even if it’s not a lot and I have probably realised this year that although we have got a lot more done through not having any social distractions to mention that it is vital to make time. I probably wouldn’t go anywhere if it was left to me.
The old way was just to work constantly and not have any time off. Things have moved on. Also father and myself 20 years ago believed every job had to be done by ourselves. I don’t now. Sometimes it’s cheaper to get help in. Some things can be made easier. There are ways and means.
I'm not from a farming background and can see the benefit of having a few hours together once in a while, the odd date night, a picnic with the children, the chance for me to have a few hours on my own would be nice too
 

MillyFyfe

Member
Mixed Farmer
Sorry I can’t help but I just want to say it does get easier as they get older.
I 100% felt the same as you for years. I am from farming background so I knew what I was getting in to but it doesn’t make it any easier. It can be a very lonely time. We’d always bring cups of tea down to the parlour so that we’d see him, move the cows fence whilst he milked so that we may get him home 15 mins earlier.
Our little boy was also very poorly when he was little so that was even harder having to be in the hospital on my own most of the time.
Parent and toddler groups were useless as they’d all formed clicks before having their babies :rolleyes:

My OH left the farm when our little boy was about 3 and it was the best thing ever. He’s now a contractor so still works very long hours but we do get family time. Occasionally you have to remind them that we are not a part time family:facepalm: we try and go away for a few days late October (between silage finishing and slurry kicking off:ROFLMAO:).
However I find it easier to cope with now. Our little boy is 5 and will go all day in the tractor if he can so it gives me time to do things I enjoy. I also met a lot more farming families when he started school and those mums completely get me :) good luck👌
I have found it difficult at parent and children groups too. It can be a bit mind numbing if all your talk about is your children. And my two are a handful with them being so close in age so I have never really enjoyed the groups. There isnt much happening at the moment with Covid. I have taken them strawberry picking and try and organise play dates with friends
 

MillyFyfe

Member
Mixed Farmer
I am in a similar sutuation, we have a 3 year old. He's never in before 9pm when he does get a day off all he wants to do is sleep. I keep saying our little boy will be at school next year. Have resigned to the fact I'm practically a single parent without the benefits( less washing, less cleaning and tidying up) it's miserable on your own and I have really struggled. Now our son is 3 they are much better to do things with at that age. Hang in there it gets better with the children but not the husband!
Thank you for your support. Things are better than they were but it could be much better too. I often find that having non farming friends puts added pressure on me as we never go away or do anything and they are always doing really fun things as a family. I think when the boys are older I will go away with my farm wife friends who are in a similar situation but at the moment it is too much hassle / hard work on my own
 

Cowslip

Member
Mixed Farmer
Thank you for your support. Things are better than they were but it could be much better too. I often find that having non farming friends puts added pressure on me as we never go away or do anything and they are always doing really fun things as a family. I think when the boys are older I will go away with my farm wife friends who are in a similar situation but at the moment it is too much hassle / hard work on my own
No problem, something I find helps is if you get a chance too put children in the car and go for a walk somewhere different the fresh air and change of scenery does wonders for everyone, it's difficult with all the paraphernalia you sometimes feel you need to take but it's definately worth it. I almost became a recluse i never went out as I was always too worried about everything looking back and talking to others I now realise I had severe post natal depression. You can pm if you need any advice, I can honestly say your not alone in feeling this way.
 

Alwaysonthego

Member
Mixed Farmer
I’m a farmers’ wife with two young children aged 1 and 2. My husband works long hours on the family farm and rarely takes time for a break. I worry that he is missing out on the children growing up and we spend little time together as a family. I try to involve the children with life on the farm but as they are so young, it can become dangerous. I also feel quite lonely as I am on my own with the children all the time with little support around me. How can I instigate change within my husband’s mindset (and his family) to look to employing someone part time? I have talked to him but it doesn’t seem to have made a difference.
Hi,
I have slightly older kids than you. I often think the same but then during her "signs of autumn" class today my 5 year old told the teacher about how they took Daddy lunch in the field When drilling and then they poked about with sticks in a ditch and investigated a little wood at the end of the field. Teacher told me she wished more kids had Sunday's like that.
I don't think I necessarily want my dh to do less hours, I just try to incorporate ways of including us all in day to day farm life. With your age kids a sling was my saviour.
 

Alwaysonthego

Member
Mixed Farmer
I also saw your last post about feeling left out with non farming friends. Mine are 7 and 5 now. The 7 year old is one of the most popular kids and I'm sure it's because when his friends come here they're roaming round a wood with walkie talkies (in sight of the house but they don't know that) building dens or seeing tractors.
 
The best thing we have done is to swap the family car for a van and take it out whenever possible. Though farming is very demanding on time and can make things difficult to plan as you don't know exactly when certain jobs will happen, it can also give you the odd afternoon here and there when not expected. We take the van out after 5pm sometimes spend the night somewhere on the nearby coast and get back in time for a days work the next morning.
 

cwmhyfryd

Member
I’m a farmers’ wife with two young children aged 1 and 2. My husband works long hours on the family farm and rarely takes time for a break. I worry that he is missing out on the children growing up and we spend little time together as a family. I try to involve the children with life on the farm but as they are so young, it can become dangerous. I also feel quite lonely as I am on my own with the children all the time with little support around me. How can I instigate change within my husband’s mindset (and his family) to look to employing someone part time? I have talked to him but it doesn’t seem to have made a difference.
I’m a farmers’ wife with two young children aged 1 and 2. My husband works long hours on the family farm and rarely takes time for a break. I worry that he is missing out on the children growing up and we spend little time together as a family. I try to involve the children with life on the farm but as they are so young, it can become dangerous. I also feel quite lonely as I am on my own with the children all the time with little support around me. How can I instigate change within my husband’s mindset (and his family) to look to employing someone part time? I have talked to him but it doesn’t seem to have made a difference.
I can totally relate to this!
My children are 6 and 7 and I now train sheepdogs again from home and help my husband with sheep work.
It's very hard when you can see your children growing up so quickly and your oh 'missing out' . You are desperate for the company and help from your partner but then feel guilty about taking him from his work.
Can you set aside a 'family day' so you can plan that nothing extra gets done that day, just the bare essentials and then in with you and the children??
 

beefandsleep

Member
Location
Staffordshire
If you want to see your kids grow up you have to make the time. It’s just a question of priorities. I should be drilled up by now really but have downed tools the last two weekends and several weekday afternoons for various cricket and hockey matches, watching and ferrying the kids about. Even played in a lads and dads game last weekend for which I am still suffering immensely, but I wouldn’t change a thing.
You don’t get another chance at it so don’t miss an opportunity.
 

cwmhyfryd

Member
If you want to see your kids grow up you have to make the time. It’s just a question of priorities. I should be drilled up by now really but have downed tools the last two weekends and several weekday afternoons for various cricket and hockey matches, watching and ferrying the kids about. Even played in a lads and dads game last weekend for which I am still suffering immensely, but I wouldn’t change a thing.
You don’t get another chance at it so don’t miss an opportunity.
Great attitude!
 
If you want to see your kids grow up you have to make the time. It’s just a question of priorities. I should be drilled up by now really but have downed tools the last two weekends and several weekday afternoons for various cricket and hockey matches, watching and ferrying the kids about. Even played in a lads and dads game last weekend for which I am still suffering immensely, but I wouldn’t change a thing.
You don’t get another chance at it so don’t miss an opportunity.

In a way, whats the point in having kids if you don't spend some time with them?
 

WildHeather

Member
Livestock Farmer
I’m a farmers’ wife with two young children aged 1 and 2. My husband works long hours on the family farm and rarely takes time for a break. I worry that he is missing out on the children growing up and we spend little time together as a family. I try to involve the children with life on the farm but as they are so young, it can become dangerous. I also feel quite lonely as I am on my own with the children all the time with little support around me. How can I instigate change within my husband’s mindset (and his family) to look to employing someone part time? I have talked to him but it doesn’t seem to have made a difference.
its a tough one Milly and i think it starts with the farmer actually admitting that they want time off and away from the farm!
As we can all always find more to do, but if we really want to do something or go somewhere its amazing how we can make it happen then its a case of setting up a structure so that you feel comfortable and confident to leave the farm. This may be a couple of farming neighbours who help each other out, farm swapping for a day / night can be as good as a holiday, i know we used to do this with my uncle, they loved playing farmer on my dads farm and we loved doing it back at theirs just as much
 

Lowland1

Member
Mixed Farmer
Turned the calendar over today and this is the picture taken 17 years ago. I think it’s very important to make the most of your kids because you don’t get that time back.
5738BE64-FBA8-451C-BAC8-BD73772D7701.jpeg
 
Take the kids and yourself to the farm and meet up with dad for lunch, tea or whatever. On dry days, a proper lunch sat with the family is invaluable.

No man is an island.

Having said that, if the man is out all hours earning, then whatever the housewife/significant other wants, she better well get. Invest in stuff to make daily living easier. Hire a cleaner. Buy better appliances. Hire a child minder. Whatever you want. Make the most of it.
 

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quote: “Red Tractor has confirmed it is dropping plans to launch its green farming assurance standard in April“

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