Spending quality time as a family

[Lowland1]

I accept its a cultural difference but to me the outsourcing of parenting seems a very sad and selfish decision. Its akin to buying a big expensive boat which never leaves its expensive marina, just to be able to talk about having a big expensive boat moored in an expensive marina, only with a person.

I treated your first post as a bit of a joke but you seem not to understand people having different lives so I will explain. For the first five years of their lives they went everywhere with either me or my wife. My wife is a vet and specialized in large animals specially horses but also did wildlife so it’s a good idea to make sure a horse doesn’t tread on your child. Living here means you can have a permanent childminder a cook a gardener etc which actually means you get plenty of quality time with your kids. When it was time for them to go to school there are very few options if you want an English education so our choice was an 80 mile round trip on extremely dangerous roads or Boarding. If your kids have never been to school then boarding school is what they think school is plus they actually get to meet other kids like them. The school had horses which my wife looked after so she saw the kids often in term time we never missed a single match or open day. School holidays are much longer at Posh schools so long holidays coupled with living on a big farm in Africa surrounded by wildlife are pretty good they could drive themselves around and both could operate tractors and other machinery from a young age .Both kids got scholarships to a very good school in England so off they went. From the age of 10 they had been travelling back and forwards to England on their own to visit their Grandfather so they unlike many kids their age they were very grown up. Both have got good A levels are at reasonable Universities my son played U15 cricket for Kenya at 12 and my daughter is a good hockey player. No one has raised my Children we have done that but we have had a lot of help. Lots of abused children see their parents everyday. It’s cost an absolute fortune to educate my kids but it’s money well spent because they will be able to make their own way in life. They may not inherit much but they have a great opportunity to make something of themselves.

 

[Hfd Cattle]

I am not quite there yet but I will bet the older ones will want our money not our time

Got 7 kids . They all earn far more than I will ever do !!!
Spent very little time with the kids as youngsters . We did have a couple of holidays but I couldn't relax as I was always wondering what was happening back at home .
Wife was not interested in the farm at all and wanted to go back and live in the town (where she is now!)
Second wife not from 'farming stock ' but has taken to it like duck to water and we work together brilliantly. I'm gradually using more contractors rather than try to do it all ourselves and try to spend as much time as possible with the grandchildren even though they are miles away . I still do a huge amount of hours but slowly changing things to make more time .
I've still got to learn that it's possible to make time for the youngsters on a sunny day as well as 'it's raining today can't do much shall we've go and see the kids !'
Most important of all .....I've learnt that spending quality time 'off farm' with my wife is great.

 

[daveydiesel1]

My wife used to nag about the hours i do. Gradually she has learned to accept it but also gradually iv learned to clean the dishes when am home for a meal or put the children to bed the odd time am home early enough WITHOUT havin to be asked. It took a bit of complainin to get thru to me but i do believe if u sit down with ur hubby and explain how u feel without it turnin into a naggin arguein situation it can help. It may have to be said a few times to get thru. A little more input from the op would be nice on this thread

 

[livestock 1]

Got 7 kids . They all earn far more than I will ever do !!!
Spent very little time with the kids as youngsters . We did have a couple of holidays but I couldn't relax as I was always wondering what was happening back at home .
Wife was not interested in the farm at all and wanted to go back and live in the town (where she is now!)
Second wife not from 'farming stock ' but has taken to it like duck to water and we work together brilliantly. I'm gradually using more contractors rather than try to do it all ourselves and try to spend as much time as possible with the grandchildren even though they are miles away . I still do a huge amount of hours but slowly changing things to make more time .
I've still got to learn that it's possible to make time for the youngsters on a sunny day as well as 'it's raining today can't do much shall we've go and see the kids !'
Most important of all .....I've learnt that spending quality time 'off farm' with my wife is great.

I wouldn’t go anywhere or do anything except work if it wasn’t for the wife. We have a week abroad in June/July which is a struggle to fit in. I always moan about it because there’s a fortnight rush on before we go to get the time away and a similar carry on when we get back. Really missed it this time though after saying that. I think some time off is must. Other folk in different walks of life manage to do it so should we

 

[essexpete]

It must be very tricky, especially if livestock are involved and if income is short. One thing I can say is time with the young family is more important than anything else and that time passes very quickly and cannot be brought back.
I have seen quite a lot of this with farming friends and some are guilty of assuming that the farm/business could not survive a few days without their input. I realise that if outside labour has to be pulled in there is a double whammy in cost but somehow that problem has to be overcome.
It might not be everyone's cup of tea but how about having an older caravan on standby for the odd weekend? The only downside at the moment with staycation is having to book ahead.
Perhaps there might be scope on TFF for some exchange tempory sites?
I was very lucky that when our children were young we were able to have some great camping holidays in France thanks to my wife pushing to get away for a good break and my late parents encouraging the same. I look back now and they were the best of times.
So to try and answer the OP, I think you need a serious conversation with husband, preferably when he is not completely knackered. Speak frankly of how you feel and how you would like to change some aspects of family life.

 

[Hfd Cattle]

It must be very tricky, especially if livestock are involved and if income is short. One thing I can say is time with the young family is more important than anything else and that time passes very quickly and cannot be brought back.
I have seen quite a lot of this with farming friends and some are guilty of assuming that the farm/business could not survive a few days without their input. I realise that if outside labour has to be pulled in there is a double whammy in cost but somehow that problem has to be overcome.
It might not be everyone's cup of tea but how about having an older caravan on standby for the odd weekend? The only downside at the moment with staycation is having to book ahead.
Perhaps there might be scope on TFF for some exchange tempory sites?
I was very lucky that when our children were young we were able to have some great camping holidays in France thanks to my wife pushing to get away for a good break and my late parents encouraging the same. I look back now and they were the best of times.
So to try and answer the OP, I think you need a serious conversation with husband, preferably when he is not completely knackered. Speak frankly of how you feel and how you would like to change some aspects of family life.

One idea is 'farmhouse exchange ' where farmers can exchange homes for a week or so i.e. Perhaps someone from Scotland fancies coming to Hereford for a week and I fancy a week in Scottie land then we just swap ! .....

 

[Frodo]

One idea is 'farmhouse exchange ' where farmers can exchange homes for a week or so i.e. Perhaps someone from Scotland fancies coming to Hereford for a week and I fancy a week in Scottie land then we just swap ! .....

Initially I thought this was a great idea, and for some it might work, but the idea is to spend more time with family, not someone else’s cattle

 

[Hfd Cattle]

Initially I thought this was a great idea, and for some it might work, but the idea is to spend more time with family, not someone else’s cattle

.... I was really meaning just for accommodation. Enough hassle looking after our own place without doing someone else's .

 

[Hfd Cattle]

I also realise that it's easier for us men to suggest it but the ladies might be a bit more reserved about letting someone else in your home for a week !

 

[livestock 1]

One idea is 'farmhouse exchange ' where farmers can exchange homes for a week or so i.e. Perhaps someone from Scotland fancies coming to Hereford for a week and I fancy a week in Scottie land then we just swap ! .....

Sounds to me like a keys in job!

 

[mrs mtx]

I’m a farmers’ wife with two young children aged 1 and 2. My husband works long hours on the family farm and rarely takes time for a break. I worry that he is missing out on the children growing up and we spend little time together as a family. I try to involve the children with life on the farm but as they are so young, it can become dangerous. I also feel quite lonely as I am on my own with the children all the time with little support around me. How can I instigate change within my husband’s mindset (and his family) to look to employing someone part time? I have talked to him but it doesn’t seem to have made a difference.

Sorry I can’t help but I just want to say it does get easier as they get older.
I 100% felt the same as you for years. I am from farming background so I knew what I was getting in to but it doesn’t make it any easier. It can be a very lonely time. We’d always bring cups of tea down to the parlour so that we’d see him, move the cows fence whilst he milked so that we may get him home 15 mins earlier.
Our little boy was also very poorly when he was little so that was even harder having to be in the hospital on my own most of the time.
Parent and toddler groups were useless as they’d all formed clicks before having their babies

My OH left the farm when our little boy was about 3 and it was the best thing ever. He’s now a contractor so still works very long hours but we do get family time. Occasionally you have to remind them that we are not a part time family we try and go away for a few days late October (between silage finishing and slurry kicking off).
However I find it easier to cope with now. Our little boy is 5 and will go all day in the tractor if he can so it gives me time to do things I enjoy. I also met a lot more farming families when he started school and those mums completely get me good luck

 

[steveR]

She would go nuts if I joined her in bath! It's not big enough.

The kids say im a fat chungus!

Change it then! I have built 2 houses and put in big baths each time. Fortunately the one I put in 10 years ago had some "growing room", so we can still take our repose...

THere was a kids book when mine were all under 6, about a Mother Elephant who disappeared off to the Bath for "5 Minutes Peace". It became a running family joke and still used 25 years later...

 

[steveR]

As a grandfather, father and a son I can assure you all that your young kids want is your time not your money.

Nicely put.

I look back and still feel happy and a little privileged in that I always tried to make the time to be in the House for when Herself came back from the school run with the kids. A few little treats prepped for them as a filler until supper, and a chat about their day while I had my cuhe summer, back out. Loved seeing the kids and missus when I was baling or something, a pickup full of kids and dogs would come bouncing across the field, sometimes even a can of pop for me would make it.

Not many Hols, because like so many we have stock and were reluctant to be away too long... But day trips were a must, seaside in the summer or entertainment venues. I also used to take 2 away with me delivering my beef down to London at a weekend and to some "cultural" stuff which was great.

My kids are all now adults and appreciated that we were busy and not like "normal 9-5'ers" but don't feel deprived... which is a relief Although my Son said no way will he Farm, " too much hard, long hours!"

None of this helps the OP, other than to say, it can be done. The mindset needs altering, but how that is done is a tough one!

Good luck

 

[Cowslip]

Sorry I can’t help but I just want to say it does get easier as they get older.
I 100% felt the same as you for years. I am from farming background so I knew what I was getting in to but it doesn’t make it any easier. It can be a very lonely time. We’d always bring cups of tea down to the parlour so that we’d see him, move the cows fence whilst he milked so that we may get him home 15 mins earlier.
Our little boy was also very poorly when he was little so that was even harder having to be in the hospital on my own most of the time.
Parent and toddler groups were useless as they’d all formed clicks before having their babies

My OH left the farm when our little boy was about 3 and it was the best thing ever. He’s now a contractor so still works very long hours but we do get family time. Occasionally you have to remind them that we are not a part time family we try and go away for a few days late October (between silage finishing and slurry kicking off).
However I find it easier to cope with now. Our little boy is 5 and will go all day in the tractor if he can so it gives me time to do things I enjoy. I also met a lot more farming families when he started school and those mums completely get me good luck

I'm glad it's not just me who felt isolated at baby groups, I can't do the normal chit chat of latest fashion, shoes handbags makeup etc and funnily enough not many people wanted to hear about cows son starts school this time next year but already know he will be the only farming child in the whole school. Such a shame for him and me.

 

[mrs mtx]

I'm glad it's not just me who felt isolated at baby groups, I can't do the normal chit chat of latest fashion, shoes handbags makeup etc and funnily enough not many people wanted to hear about cows son starts school this time next year but already know he will be the only farming child in the whole school. Such a shame for him and me.

Oh no that’s rubbish!
Our under 1s was awful! I tried a few welsh ones to see if they were any better but you still got the whole ‘sleeping through the night at 6 weeks’ ‘started walking at 8 months’ competitions but just in welsh this time Rhys’s first school didn’t have many I related to, we moved him when he started reception (not for that reason, lots of other reasons). I now have to travel much further to take him but it’s close to my work and he’s so much happier in a small village school, with lots of farming kids

 

[steveR]

Oh no that’s rubbish!
Our under 1s was awful! I tried a few welsh ones to see if they were any better but you still got the whole ‘sleeping through the night at 6 weeks’ ‘started walking at 8 months’ competitions but just in welsh this time Rhys’s first school didn’t have many I related to, we moved him when he started reception (not for that reason, lots of other reasons). I now have to travel much further to take him but it’s close to my work and he’s so much happier in a small village school, with lots of farming kids

We made teh decision to drive our kids to a proper village school as neither of us liked the local urban school (or the arse of a Head!) It put a lot of burden on Herself chauffering for 8 years, but worth it we felt... Plenty of rural kids.

 

[mrs mtx]

We made teh decision to drive our kids to a proper village school as neither of us liked the local urban school (or the arse of a Head!) It put a lot of burden on Herself chauffering for 8 years, but worth it we felt... Plenty of rural kids.

100% agree, I wish we’d done it sooner! It’s no bother the days I’m working but a bit more of a pain on days off but he’s so much happier

 

[Pennine Ploughing]

Well a bit of interesting reading on here, and myself after divorces and 2 kids, have come to the conclusion that, working all the hours God sends and hardly seeing her never mind the kids, that there is just really not enough hours in the day, why you ask ?,
Well while your out there working 16 hours a day, when divorce comes along they will want 8 of them hours, as she could take half of them through the courts, so half of every thing adds up i can tell you, (twice)
Now if you worked 10 hours a day, you could be 2 hours better off, as the other 6 can be spent in family time, and lesson the chance of a split,
As for them saying, they can't afford to have time off, then your hobby is not paying enough, or you have bitten off more than you can chew, as for saying you cannot have time away, b0llocks, what would happen if you broke a leg or got ill, you would have to get someone in to help, or change the work load,
Its not a sign of weakness or failure to spend time with your family, nor should it be seen as such, as for the kids, yes you will miss them growing up, and that is something that is lost forever, to the point 1 of my kids does not speak to me, and the grandfather wanting to see the grandchildren thing, mainly comes from the fact they missed out on their own kids childhood,

Ask yourself the big question, why did you marry our wife ?
Was it someone you wanted to spend your whole life with, to love and care for, share and enjoy being together as one union, and cherish time together ?
Or someone that will be home with meals on the table, a ride whenever you fancy it, someone unpaid to cook clean and wash your clothes, oh and if some kids come along, then she might as well bring them up on her own as well, as your too busy for any of that stuff,
Just sit a moment and think, if the tables were turned, could you cope doing what your wife does ?. (I thought about this many years to late, as you cannot see the wood from the trees at the time)
Yes I made some bad mistakes working to much, and there is time it hurts emotionally of what I did by just not being there,
Yes we all need to work, but work to live, not live to work,
Also consider this, which is your number 1 priority, is it A, your family, or B. your work,
If your so lucky that your wife is not demanding, then it may not take a lot of your time,
If she is demanding then it will take more of your time, either way don't take her for granted, remember that you made the choice to say I do in church, so just get on and do it, I didn't and that was my down fall,

Hindsight is a wonderful thing, if I had known this 20 years sooner, than when I realised things could of been a lot different,

 

[Lowland1]

Part of the original post was that the husband should take on a worker to free up time so they could spend more time together. What we did was actually work together my Wife gave up working as a Vet which except for the extra money was no hardship as whilst she loved animals she hated their owners. Whilst we are in the position that she doesn't have to drive tractors or milk cows there is still plenty to do such as looking after accounts,labour and she also does the agronomy which really allows me to just play with tractors. Obviously sending kids away to school is not for everyone financially or culturally but it worked for us the last poster asks why people marry which is the crux of the matter when kids come along they alter the dynamic and you have to change because you have others to think about, new people in the relationship. Our kids have come out of the boarding school thing very well because we as parents have a very stable relationship so they came home to a happy house. Kids can cope with a lot if their parents are happy.

 

[MillyFyfe]

Not easy, choose your moments and stand your ground.

There is no point in suggesting a day away on a nice harvest day, but be flexible and if raining be organised to go. Also work out when things are a bit quieter and organise things to look forward to then.

the kids will grow up quick and if your husband isn’t involved he will miss out. Also after a day or week away it’s amazing how little will have changed on the farm. Everyone is better for a break.

Take care, Covid has kind of messed everything up and toddlers are hard work. Do you have friends in a similar boat you can meet up with?

Make the most of harvest teas.

Thank you. We have taken the pickup over to meet the combine / tractor recently. Many of my friends locally juggle work off the farm too so it is difficult to meet up.