Spending quality time as a family

I still farm

Member
Location
cheshire
Yes, quite right. But easier said than done very often within a farming family.
Sometimes it's about changing mindsets
There are options, always
And no matter how harrassed or stressed we are about work/ business we can make choices.
Sometimes they'll seem hard choices, but in reality do you want to be a parent and have a relationship with your wife or not?
Will you remember the day you and your kids flew a kite on the beach or remember that you milked a few more cows/drilled the wheat/checked the fences etc just like you did yesterday or the day before.

We have choices all of us , we choose to live or work as we do
Sometimes we don't realise that

👍

😊
 

Digger73

Member
Arable Farmer
Location
Fenland
After 21 years of marriage and two sons who I missed out on growing up my world crashed down around me two weeks ago and I am the reason why because I didn't listen when she told me time and time again. I was always at work trying to earn enough to support us. Finally got the loans on the house paid. The first month free of debt where we had planned to start doing more my father passed away. I was the only one in the family who could fund the farm with extra borrowing against assets to keep going. I am in a bad place at the moment but please please make him see sense Don't let him mess it up as I have done
 

scottrac

Member
Location
lincolnshire
After 21 years of marriage and two sons who I missed out on growing up my world crashed down around me two weeks ago and I am the reason why because I didn't listen when she told me time and time again. I was always at work trying to earn enough to support us. Finally got the loans on the house paid. The first month free of debt where we had planned to start doing more my father passed away. I was the only one in the family who could fund the farm with extra borrowing against assets to keep going. I am in a bad place at the moment but please please make him see sense Don't let him mess it up as I have done
First off I'm sorry for your loss.
Don't take this the wrong way but how would you have changed things?
I am in a similar situation,work 12 hours a day 6 days a week at work then come home to work till 11,then work at home sundays (small holding)
see my twin boys (9) 30 mins max a day and on sundays imbetween jobs.
I'm lucky as my wife understands if we want what we have then I have to do this.
have been doing this for nearly 10 years and I am missing out on my boys growing up.
I don't see any other way so would be grateful for any advice.
 

cwmhyfryd

Member
After 21 years of marriage and two sons who I missed out on growing up my world crashed down around me two weeks ago and I am the reason why because I didn't listen when she told me time and time again. I was always at work trying to earn enough to support us. Finally got the loans on the house paid. The first month free of debt where we had planned to start doing more my father passed away. I was the only one in the family who could fund the farm with extra borrowing against assets to keep going. I am in a bad place at the moment but please please make him see sense Don't let him mess it up as I have done
I'm so sorry to hear this. I'm sure you didn't work all hours god sent through choice. People always say everyone has choices but sometimes it's so hard to see them.
I hope you find yourself in a better place very soon.
Please get some professional help to get you through this horrible time.
 

cwmhyfryd

Member
I will forever be grateful to my father for insisting that I go off on a family holiday every year.
Mrs Y was a full time teacher then as well as mother to the little one.
He insisted that I book a week's holiday at Whit and October break, no excuses.
'It'll all be there when you get back', was his attitude.
The breaks did me an awful lot of good as well and I look back on them with happiness.
How lucky you were to have a supportive understanding father. I somdtimes feel my fil resents any time my husband has with us!
 

Digger73

Member
Arable Farmer
Location
Fenland
What would I change ?
Now I feel like I would of changed everything but I don't know if that is a reaction to how I feel right now. What I should have done is listened to my wife the first time when she raised the subject of me working all the while and helping everybody else before them, or even the second or third time. I think over time it just becomes the normal and you assume that your wife is with you. But just because she supports you doesn't mean she agrees with it. If the subject was bought up we would probably argue and it would always be said but look at what we have. The boys grew up with it being normal they didn't know any different, I am the one who missed out on the time with them I am the one who has to deal with that regret and sadness. When the boys were younger (One is nearly 19 now and at Uni the other will be 18 in December) my wife was fully occupied with them and doing things with them and she has done a brilliant job and we couldn't be prouder of them both. But as children get older they start to live there own lives and don't need us in the same way, they are boys they would come in and eat everything not clear up tidy up etc, I would come in quiet from spending too many hours in a cab on my own not seeing anybody almost losing the ability to talk even if somebody wanted to. Feeling the weight and responsibility of providing for everyone, eating tea on your own because everyone has had there's already. Sitting in the chair and falling asleep still in work clothes, waking up, going to bed and repeating the same story day after day. My wife had hobbies and started to peruse them more when the boys didn't need her. You then sit at work starting to realise that your life contains nothing but work and sleep and that pressure to provide and jealousy that everybody else has a life and time to do other things but it's hard to talk about it because if you stop everybody else's life changes as well and that's not fair on them. My wife explained to me that what she felt was that home had become a job an endless round of clearing up after everybody and housework with no end in sight, hobbies gave her a little space but she felt trapped in this groundhog day life to build this dream we once had that we now can't see and both resent. I probably need to start a thread somewhere else not sure where. But getting back to what would I change. I should have listened more, and spent more time with the family and my wife.
Don't let a dream of a place or life become a millstone that drowns you
 

scottrac

Member
Location
lincolnshire
What would I change ?
Now I feel like I would of changed everything but I don't know if that is a reaction to how I feel right now. What I should have done is listened to my wife the first time when she raised the subject of me working all the while and helping everybody else before them, or even the second or third time. I think over time it just becomes the normal and you assume that your wife is with you. But just because she supports you doesn't mean she agrees with it. If the subject was bought up we would probably argue and it would always be said but look at what we have. The boys grew up with it being normal they didn't know any different, I am the one who missed out on the time with them I am the one who has to deal with that regret and sadness. When the boys were younger (One is nearly 19 now and at Uni the other will be 18 in December) my wife was fully occupied with them and doing things with them and she has done a brilliant job and we couldn't be prouder of them both. But as children get older they start to live there own lives and don't need us in the same way, they are boys they would come in and eat everything not clear up tidy up etc, I would come in quiet from spending too many hours in a cab on my own not seeing anybody almost losing the ability to talk even if somebody wanted to. Feeling the weight and responsibility of providing for everyone, eating tea on your own because everyone has had there's already. Sitting in the chair and falling asleep still in work clothes, waking up, going to bed and repeating the same story day after day. My wife had hobbies and started to peruse them more when the boys didn't need her. You then sit at work starting to realise that your life contains nothing but work and sleep and that pressure to provide and jealousy that everybody else has a life and time to do other things but it's hard to talk about it because if you stop everybody else's life changes as well and that's not fair on them. My wife explained to me that what she felt was that home had become a job an endless round of clearing up after everybody and housework with no end in sight, hobbies gave her a little space but she felt trapped in this groundhog day life to build this dream we once had that we now can't see and both resent. I probably need to start a thread somewhere else not sure where. But getting back to what would I change. I should have listened more, and spent more time with the family and my wife.
Don't let a dream of a place or life become a millstone that drowns you
Thankyou
that can't of been easy.
sounds like a mirror image of my life (except thankfully my wife understands as it's her dream)
For what it's worth you should be proud that because of you both it sounds like your boys are doing great.
It might be worth having a look at the dealing with depression thread.
There are lots of things and people there that are a great help.
Keep strong and remember its good to talk and there is help out there
thanks again
scott
 

cwmhyfryd

Member
What would I change ?
Now I feel like I would of changed everything but I don't know if that is a reaction to how I feel right now. What I should have done is listened to my wife the first time when she raised the subject of me working all the while and helping everybody else before them, or even the second or third time. I think over time it just becomes the normal and you assume that your wife is with you. But just because she supports you doesn't mean she agrees with it. If the subject was bought up we would probably argue and it would always be said but look at what we have. The boys grew up with it being normal they didn't know any different, I am the one who missed out on the time with them I am the one who has to deal with that regret and sadness. When the boys were younger (One is nearly 19 now and at Uni the other will be 18 in December) my wife was fully occupied with them and doing things with them and she has done a brilliant job and we couldn't be prouder of them both. But as children get older they start to live there own lives and don't need us in the same way, they are boys they would come in and eat everything not clear up tidy up etc, I would come in quiet from spending too many hours in a cab on my own not seeing anybody almost losing the ability to talk even if somebody wanted to. Feeling the weight and responsibility of providing for everyone, eating tea on your own because everyone has had there's already. Sitting in the chair and falling asleep still in work clothes, waking up, going to bed and repeating the same story day after day. My wife had hobbies and started to peruse them more when the boys didn't need her. You then sit at work starting to realise that your life contains nothing but work and sleep and that pressure to provide and jealousy that everybody else has a life and time to do other things but it's hard to talk about it because if you stop everybody else's life changes as well and that's not fair on them. My wife explained to me that what she felt was that home had become a job an endless round of clearing up after everybody and housework with no end in sight, hobbies gave her a little space but she felt trapped in this groundhog day life to build this dream we once had that we now can't see and both resent. I probably need to start a thread somewhere else not sure where. But getting back to what would I change. I should have listened more, and spent more time with the family and my wife.
Don't let a dream of a place or life become a millstone that drowns you
You write and explain really well. This is such a sad situation but i hear of it over and over again.
If only you could warn others in the same situation before its too late.
 

Digger73

Member
Arable Farmer
Location
Fenland
You never see it till it's too late the nearest thing I can liken it to is a glacier life slowly grinds along looking serene and beautiful with no awareness of the cracks growing and splintering under the surface then suddenly it slips and breaks and you can't stop it and there's your life in pieces and you don't know if the bit that's left is just you and everything else is gone and you just float trying to grab hold of any pieces that appear to be in reach but not knowing if there the bits you need or want or wether to just let go and hope that the pain goes away
 

Whitewalker

Member
You never see it till it's too late the nearest thing I can liken it to is a glacier life slowly grinds along looking serene and beautiful with no awareness of the cracks growing and splintering under the surface then suddenly it slips and breaks and you can't stop it and there's your life in pieces and you don't know if the bit that's left is just you and everything else is gone and you just float trying to grab hold of any pieces that appear to be in reach but not knowing if there the bits you need or want or wether to just let go and hope that the pain goes away
No reconciliation?
 
First off I'm sorry for your loss.
Don't take this the wrong way but how would you have changed things?
I am in a similar situation,work 12 hours a day 6 days a week at work then come home to work till 11,then work at home sundays (small holding)
see my twin boys (9) 30 mins max a day and on sundays imbetween jobs.
I'm lucky as my wife understands if we want what we have then I have to do this.
have been doing this for nearly 10 years and I am missing out on my boys growing up.
I don't see any other way so would be grateful for any advice.

Quality is important. If you can make that 30 minutes all about your children/family then that's better than eight hours with both parents but parked in front of often separate screens. It's also about using the time to get to know them, find our what they've been doing and giving constructive praise. Sometimes they probably won't want to say anything but that's a time when just flopping together in companionable silence is just bliss.

You're very fortunate that your family is already working as a team so you and your wife can work together to make even short family time special.

For you and your wife, I think a time limit on how long you keep it up for is important. Don't be chasing a dream all your life.

I think there's something about being a farm wife which can be particularly tough possibly because it's often totally assimilated into "the job".

I used to teach and quite honestly (even as a working mum - kids reared by oh) I had my eyes opened to just how little real time people with normal jobs spent with their children - some certainly were out for long hours. But they have that break between work and home which I think makes a huge difference to the way they are viewed even when they take work home.
 

Adeptandy

Member
Arable Farmer
Location
PE15
After 21 years of marriage and two sons who I missed out on growing up my world crashed down around me two weeks ago and I am the reason why because I didn't listen when she told me time and time again. I was always at work trying to earn enough to support us. Finally got the loans on the house paid. The first month free of debt where we had planned to start doing more my father passed away. I was the only one in the family who could fund the farm with extra borrowing against assets to keep going. I am in a bad place at the moment but please please make him see sense Don't let him mess it up as I have done
Been there, done that, got the T shirt.
Excellent heart felt post that I can guess a lot on here shound take note of.
I stuffed our marriage by not listening, always working, and not spending time at home, it’s took some time but thankfully we’re still together. Still not sure what hurt the most, being told to leave to give her space or when my 18 year old daughter told me when teaching her to drive I was finally being a dad to her. It’s so easy to fix your eyes on providing for your family when all they really want is you there. I guess I’ve been lucky, I’ve still got my marriage, my 2daughters now understand why I was doing what I did. I’m no longer quite the alpha male I was, but still struggle with not working flat out. If you really love your spouses, font just tell them, show them, wether it’s flower, a meal out or if you have young ones, bath the kids, but more than anything, listen and take notice, the female language is so different to the males.
 

Digger73

Member
Arable Farmer
Location
Fenland
We are still talking, we are still in the same house but something is missing. We talked as husband and wife we talked as friends. I don't know how things are. It's as if she has already gone the way she talks about the future she spends more time away during the day and seems happier. Me on the other hand can't escape anywhere no time available no spare money everywhere I look are the reasons things have got to this.
 

Whitewalker

Member
We are still talking, we are still in the same house but something is missing. We talked as husband and wife we talked as friends. I don't know how things are. It's as if she has already gone the way she talks about the future she spends more time away during the day and seems happier. Me on the other hand can't escape anywhere no time available no spare money everywhere I look are the reasons things have got to this.

I know it must be strange but you still have a lot of water under the bridge, maybe you need to just have a straight talk about how you both feel , at least you both know where you are coming from then . If you want to salvage it surely you must tell her and plan some sort of change if it’s reciprocated.
 
Ive expressed my opinion many a time with the farmer and he still does very little to improve things, perhaps offering to empty dishwasher or take out his dirty cups and socks out of the living room at the end of the evening (every evening). The endless expectations of you picking up after them like second mothers. Also told him what am I going to do when the boys grow up as Im certainly not being a lapdog for his disorganisation and being messy - No chance. There is definitely a life to be had (not with Covid) but just the endless drudgery of picking up and no thought definitely creates the wedge.
she talks about the future she spends more time away during the day and seems happier. Me on the other hand can't escape anywhere no time available no
This hits the nail on the head with whats happens when the children fly the nest? No one talks about the sudden freedom women have, the escape of the constant sh@tty demands. If you share the farming and the chores on both sides surely this keeps the bond unlike being separate entities. It seems rather unfair if farmer to be left to earn the keep while the wife gallivants off. Cant you organise a nice day on the farm helping you? A nice lunch? Will she come out and talk about the stock and plans? If you dont reel her back in - into the interests of the farm the divide will just get bigger. Why not discuss the garden and perhaps ideas on improving the home? It is all about making small efforts and improvements to life. Do it before its too late.
 

Spud

Member
Arable Farmer
Location
YO62
I make a conscious effort to go to work early (to get stuff done while my wife & kids are asleep) and be home for tea with them - even if I then go back out spraying/move an irrigator/do some paper work or whatever.
My wife is from farming stock and as such very understanding of everything, has her own job which complements what the farm provides us with, and gives her an escape, feed her brain, adult interaction, inependence etc.
Never feel guilty about having an afternoon out with the kids midweek, or lunch at a farm shop just me & the mrs either.
Always give time when it's requested by the kids, or they stop asking.
Don't miss parents evenings etc.
Every day with a y on the end can be a work day sometimes, so it can be a leisure day if it suits too.
I try and work on a 'always busy but always got time' philosophy - which isn't easy sometimes.
Life is short, enjoy it.
 

Dead Rabbits

Member
Location
'Merica
An observation and maybe a different perspective. I’m not being critical of any situation.

I have no kids, but I was once a farm kid. I spent more time with my dad and parents than any other kids I knew. Same with my four siblings to a certain age. My dad worked brutal hours for decades but we were always there with him, whether or not we wanted to be. He was like many on here, worked a lot and came home to eat and sleep and read. Didn’t talk a lot at the house.



I don’t look back with any bitterness that my dad worked all the time. Always did think it was stupid that farming with his brothers they couldn’t figure out how to give each other days off. Honestly think it never occurred to them. That’s just how it was. I have no bad memories from my early childhood. I sure don’t feel like I missed anything. I wasn’t a big fan of the 2:30am starts at age 9 but so what.

I never cared about days away from the farm, vacations, going out, none of that. Which is good because we never did any of that. I just wanted to be on the farm and preferably with my father.


The real person who suffered was my mother, who was not from a farm. She was pretty much left to sort everything else about running a house with five kids and pretty much no help or real concern from my dad. She would have rather been farming as well. I’ve talked to both my parents about this various times and my dad doesn’t seem to think there was an issue while my mom thought we were missing out on a lot of things other kids were doing. My dad has slowed down significantly these days but hasn’t changed a bit. Doesn’t help around the house or clean up after himself. That old dog isn’t learning any new tricks.

All us kids think we had an excellent childhood and I had almost unlimited freedom from age 4 or 5. Rare for kids to get that these days. We are all successful depending on how you measure that and I really think I had a leg up on so many of my contemporaries. I was expected to work as an adult and anything less wasn’t an option. I could manage my time and get things done unsupervised before being a teenager. I deal with adults that can’t do that. At school I do remember feeling a lot older than others and had a lot of different perspectives on things.

All in all I would not want it any other way (other than my mother getting some help) and I’ve told my parents that.
 

SFI - What % were you taking out of production?

  • 0 %

    Votes: 80 42.3%
  • Up to 25%

    Votes: 66 34.9%
  • 25-50%

    Votes: 30 15.9%
  • 50-75%

    Votes: 3 1.6%
  • 75-100%

    Votes: 3 1.6%
  • 100% I’ve had enough of farming!

    Votes: 7 3.7%

Red Tractor drops launch of green farming scheme amid anger from farmers

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As reported in Independent


quote: “Red Tractor has confirmed it is dropping plans to launch its green farming assurance standard in April“

read the TFF thread here: https://thefarmingforum.co.uk/index.php?threads/gfc-was-to-go-ahead-now-not-going-ahead.405234/
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