Wife seeks professional experienced farmer for……..

[Still Farming]

You're a right ray of sunshine @Still Farming. Additionally, I don't agree with you, always a solution if there's a will to find it.

I don't want to upset anyone but we all deal with these senario's of one sort or another Farming as not a 9 to 5 job but as stated there is always two sides to an argument and a way out -good or bad -what ever side your on !

 

[DRC]

He's got to strike a balance, or what's the point of all this work. As has been said already, he's probably still seeing home as the farm, rather than home being with his family, and probably pressured by parents or siblings on the farm.
I made a lot of time to be with my children growing up. Sports fixtures, school plays etc, you couldn't keep me away even if I jumped off the tractor and went back to it later. Might've been because my old man never came to watch me play anything,even though I was quite a good sportsman and got to cup finals and county rugby, he never bothered . I always remember him ranting and raving when our first was due and we wanted to pop to buy a pram or something . There's farming to do , he shouted.
We nearly lost our son at birth, so how much farming would there have been then.
You need a serious chat with your hubby before it goes beyond repair.

 

[phillipe]

Talk to him ,sit him down and tell him what you said here ,do not nottle this up as it will eat at you ,just talk to him

 

[wasted years]

Try to get your mother in law on side, she might be able to get him to start having a meal or 2 at home or half a day off.
Do you get on well with the in laws?

 

[Derrick Hughes]

Live to Farm
Live to Work
Live to Live

??

 

[Will Blackburn]

Try to get your mother in law on side, she might be able to get him to start having a meal or 2 at home or half a day off.
Do you get on well with the in laws?

Feck the in laws, its not their marriage. Obviously they are not helping.

 

[Chae1]

Live to Farm
Live to Work
Live to Live

??

It's the most important job in the world don't you know?

 

[Hampton]

Difficult one.

I can keep myself busy on 100 acres as there is always something to do.

But you have to just leave stuff and have a day off per week at least.

If stuff is so urgent that you cant have a day off per week then you need to ditch some of it or take on staff or use a contractor . Preferably a self employed man who can do Saturdays or Sundays alternately or whatever. Easier to let go if it doesn't work out.

800 acres is a lot as far as I am concerned especially with stock. Do you really need the FBT's? I wouldn't touch one with a barge pole. They will keep you busy alright but I don't reckon they are big payers. You need help at lambing time definitely.

Working yourself into the ground isn't clever. It will make you less productive. You wont be able to think properly and will spend a lot of time in "headless chicken" mode busy getting nothing done.

Easy for us to say. Not so easy for the OP. I wish them the best. Take it steady, don't be hasty. Try to talk things through.

That's a very good point. A few years ago one of my workmen retired and as I had returned to the farm around the same time I thought "great, I'll take up the slack" my father took a backseat around the same time, and I found that although I got all the work done, I was working all hours but not really managing the business. I took another man on and upped stock numbers to cover things financially, and although it has left me doing less hands on work, I am running the farm much better and I'm able to make small improvements and tweaks as we go along.

 

[rob1]

Tell him when harvest is finished you need to sit down and have a serious talk about what you both want out of life, and that things have to change or your marriage is finished, the shock may make him see sense, but remember his family maywell be pulling him in the opposite direction, perhaps you and the kids going away for a holiday for a week or so might make him realise what he would be missing

 

[ploughman1963]

My wife, who still is my wife after 30 years but goodness knows how, said that when the kids were young she just got fed up of waiting for me to take a day off and wasnt prepared to ruin the kids time so she took them off whether I was there or not. It took me many years and someone else pointing it out to make me realise where I was heading. He asked me why I worked like I did, to which I replied, to make money to, to get a farm, to give my family a good life and the things I wanted to give them. But, he said, either they will no longer be there or you will have died before you achieve it!
I sold the business, invested in another that I thought would be easier, started running the junior rugby side in which my boys and daughter played, later took up match ploughing to spend time with the boys (they packed up and left me to it ).
I am glad I had that chat and spent some time with my kids - gone full circle and now back at it flat out - with my lads.

 

[GTB]

Feck the in laws, its not their marriage. Obviously they are not helping.

Don't alienate the inlaws though. You don't want to end up in a them and us scenario. We don't know the other side of the story, maybe the parents are telling him to spend more time with the kids (unlikely I admit) but he just wants to work harder.

 

[Will Blackburn]

Don't alienate the inlaws though. You don't want to end up in a them and us scenario. We don't know the other side of the story, maybe the parents are telling him to spend more time with the kids (unlikely I admit) but he just wants to work harder.

That is a possibility, but you have to address the issues from within, then involve other parties. You cannot deal with them until you both know what you want and how you're going to get it.

 

[wasted years]

Feck the in laws, its not their marriage. Obviously they are not helping.

The OP can argue but she is in the minority if the P in Laws are against her and son is with the P inlaws most of the time.
Women can be very clever at times and also exceptionally cruel to their own sex.
If the M in L can be got onside she may be the key, if not then big trouble IMO.

 

[Shep]

I know your children are small and this might not be simple, but what about getting out to the farm yourself for a short time? My wife at my suggestion came out and helped me to get finished Some evenings, win win because we spent time together and I got finished earlier. Now she milks every morning and loves it. Kids are a little bigger now and they all have wee jobs in the evening, which saves me about 2hrs.
We have holidays and day trips regularly now.

 

[Lincsman]

Hope he's not a member on here

I sincerely hope he is, and if he isn't send a link to his phone..

 

[Old Boar]

He probably is too tired to see things clearly. To do that you have to put some distance between him and the farm.
New sights, new country, and time away can make the change, let him see there is more than the acres around him. At the moment he can only see to the nearest hedge (and then think it needs new posts, trimming etc).
Tell him you have booked 4 days away for the whole family. And then go yourself if he refuses to go. Not having the washing up, bed made, clean clothes may make him see what you do.
If that does not work, ask him straight what would happen if he broke his leg - would the farm sink in debt, the stock all die, or would someone be found to cover for him?
If he still brushes you off, he does not want to hear what you are saying. At least you will know where you stand.
Feel free to PM me for a bit of female support!

 

[jendan]

He probably is too tired to see things clearly. To do that you have to put some distance between him and the farm.
New sights, new country, and time away can make the change, let him see there is more than the acres around him. At the moment he can only see to the nearest hedge (and then think it needs new posts, trimming etc).
Tell him you have booked 4 days away for the whole family. And then go yourself if he refuses to go. Not having the washing up, bed made, clean clothes may make him see what you do.
If that does not work, ask him straight what would happen if he broke his leg - would the farm sink in debt, the stock all die, or would someone be found to cover for him?
If he still brushes you off, he does not want to hear what you are saying. At least you will know where you stand.
Feel free to PM me for a bit of female support!

The worst part i read and the most telling was about the "competitive" nature of the farming and always looking over the hedge at their neighbours.This does not make you better or more profitable farmers,and gives the impression that they are pain in the arses.(very sorry to be so rude)Why do you need to do that when you are already farming 850 acres?The turnover and profit on the size of operation described should easily pay for extra labour,or more contractors to do some of the work,to free up some time off.

 

[Ray996]

You're a right ray of sunshine @Still Farming. Additionally, I don't agree with you, always a solution if there's a will to find it.

More to life than working for nothing, know a few farmers that literally worked themselves into the ground and sadly not here to tell the tale.!

 

[Old McDonald]

You're a right ray of sunshine @Still Farming. Additionally, I don't agree with you, always a solution if there's a will to find it.

But he is correct. I think you misread what he posted:-

Divorce will drive the work and farm to an end mentally and financially.
The "blood suckers"will end up the best off.
Really sorry for the kids also .
Big Circle .
Not good - your dammed what ever you do .

 

[Old McDonald]

Advice!

Please help, I’m married to a farmer and we have a very young family. Problem is we don’t live on site! My Husbands family farm is 4miles up the road. He works long hours 7 days a week, and quite honestly I’m fed up! Mention the words “farming family” and lovely images are conjured up. But if you don’t live on-site (and there isn’t anywhere for us to live there) I’m pretty much a single parent!

Now please don’t shout at me that farming is an around the clock job, the animals need looking after, I appreciate that, but so is an old peoples home? More importantly so is a family. Farming might also be a lifestyle but again so is choosing to take a wife and have children. There’s the argument that my Husband is working to provide for his family, but the reality to that is if I went back to work part time and he stayed at home with the children we’d be just as well off financially! Unless of course your talking the inherited legacy of the farm, which is a lovely thing to work towards, however I’m not keen to raise my children to wait for a dead man’s boots? Don’t get me wrong I’ll support and encourage them, I want to provide for them, but they need to achieve for themselves not expect everything to be handed to them. The house we live in, my Husband and I purchased ourselves without any help from family and we both have a huge sense of pride in that.

I’m looking for advice so that we can improve our current and future situation. So I’ll lay out the information and you can offer me “warts and all comments and suggestions”

The farm and it’s practices:

815 acres (330 hectares if your in new money) this is our total farmed area, which includes the 250 owned, the rest is on an FBT.

This year currently growing 145 acres of corn and 45 of Maize.

60 Suckler cows, calving March/April

Finish 500 beef cattle

900 lambing ewes, Feb/March

1500 hoggs to winter keep

So in a nutshell, mixed farming!

What I’d love to know (If the info I’ve supplied is enough to go on) is how many people are required for this business, and obviously how many hours are you expecting them to work per week to maintain it? If it helps with more understanding, the family wouldn’t employ many contractors, they currently do most things themselves, like harvesting, spraying, fencing and hedge cutting. They have most of the toys! We would use contractors for maize drill and harvest, a little bit of dung spreading but not a lot else.

Please help because I’m obviously not growing any prettier and our Children wont be small for long.

I myself am from farming families, and when I was growing up my parents lived off site, but I have wonderful childhood memories of days out and family holidays, the thing I look back on most fondly is my Dad was always home in the evening for dinner. Currently me and the children eat 3 meals a day, 7days a week on our own. I firmly believe that family meals are so important for communication and discipline.

My Husband is definitely a workaholic, I have to beg him to take a day off. He always says not this week I’ve got a lot on, we’re taking cattle, we’re TB testing, we’re cutting corn, we’re fencing! There is always something, but I’m promised next week should be better. When next week comes and I remind him he reels out new excuses, or complains that because last week they we’re TB testing (or whatever the job was) he’s now behind on what he had wanted to do so can’t spare any time this week. If the weather is fine he’s busy, but if it’s wet he’s getting ready for it to come fine?!?

Is the problem his workload, or his mindset?

What’s it all for? I know of numerous farmers Sons who have devoted so much time from their youths to their farms that they’re now bitter, middle aged and Single. Each to their own perhaps, but I’m pretty confident that they were executing their finest dance moves at those Young farmer discos in an attempt to find a wife? But their farms and long hours have either kept them from attending enough discos to secure a suitable match, or they were successful only to return to work and neglect the relationship before it had a chance to set.

Don’t get me wrong I envy my Husband that he is one of the lucky ones to do a job he loves (he’d love it a whole lot more if there was more corn and less sheep). But he already has a lot of regrets from his youth. He didn’t go to as many parties as he’d have liked, he didn’t travel as far as he wanted to. So although it might not be acceptable, we could go out partying and getting embarrassingly drunk if the mood takes us when we’re 60, and if our health allows we can travel the world, but we’ll never get a second chance at raising our children. The next 18 years aren’t to be missed and regretted, they are to be enjoyed, savoured and maximised so that we build a safe and happy home for the next generation, one that they’ll always return to because they know we’ve always got time for them.

My in-laws are competitive, maybe that's farmers in general? Always looking over the hedge at their neighbour and wanting to keep up or do more. My Husband won’t except that farmers do have time off, we went to church one Sunday, and chatted to another farming family of our generation whilst there. My husband was obviously talking shop with the chap and I was talking babies to his wife. My husband and I then returned to the farm so he could get on with something, we got to exchanging the conversations we’d had, but there was a discrepancy between us? My Husband had been led to believe his friend was going home to also do something work related, but I told him “No, his wife said they were taking the children to the beach”. We agreed to disagree as I couldn’t possibly be right, the weather was favourable and it was a busy calendar slot. Not long after when we were driving up the road to see stock, we passed said family all loaded up definitely looking beach bound, both men look surprised to pass each other! What’s wrong with them, where is the shame in family time?

My father in law reminisces about how Sundays were for Church and chores, now everyone regards them as a total inconvenience because “no other buggers working when you need parts!” Recently you would have thought there were going to be medals handed out to the farmer that could stay out the latest silaging? My husband was telling a friend in the trade “yeah we didn’t finish picking up till 2am, I heard next door were out till 4am!” Ridiculous, the same week there were two fatalities in the industry reported in the press.

Work life balance is a constant argument between us (probably our only conflict) so I’m curious to discover which way my advice goes? I think I’m prepared to be told to shut up and stop complaining, but surely I’m not alone in thinking there's more to life than farming?

You seem like a nice bunch on here so be kind in your responses I’ve been reading a lot of your posts before I plucked up the courage and met my wits end to write this plea!

Many thanks in anticipation,

A very tired, lonely and disillusioned Farmers wife.

I have no advice for you. Nobody can tell you what you should do. One thing I do know is that you are not going to change him. It is too late for that. Neither will he "sit down and talk" as others have suggested. You will have the most enormous argument if you try that aproach.

You married the person you married and he is going to be like that for the rest of his life. A few questions though, and just keep the answers to yourself, no need to tell us all. How long had you known him before you married? Was he a workaholic then? If he was and you knew he would never be at home, why did you decide to have children? How many and over what timespan? Do you spend any time at the farm? If not, why not? Have you taken his lunch to him as others have suggested? Or even just a snack when he is working late? Do you ever take the kids there? How often does his mother get to see them? Has she ever offered to look after them for a wee while whilst you and he have a little time together? He must be at home for some hours of every day? Do you make any attempt to provide him with breakfast before he leaves in the morning? Do you tell him you are making X for dinner and what time would he like it? How much effort do you make to have him eat at home?

There is no excuse whatsoever for him not to eat at home. Maybe he does not want to go home. If he does not, then maybe he does not want you and you should be happy to get rid of him too. Just maybe, not suggesting that is the case.

Some blokes can never leave their mother. I remained at home right up to my wedding day (and I was 27 then) but I used to drive 5 miles each way every lunch time to have lunch with my wife. It is still the highlight of my day to have dinner at night with my wife, and we have just passed our 46th anniversary. We both then have a short time doing our own thing for a little while before I rejoin her and have a nightcap. Slightly later than usual tonight because of reading this thread, but we will still have a few minutes together before retiring to a double bed.

I wish you well, but regret I cannot see anything changing any time soon.