Wife seeks professional experienced farmer for……..

[casemx 270]

This is such a common problem in farming today. I'm in my mid thirty's with 5 children under 10 and carrying the weight of the mixed family farm on my shoulders, and I accept that there are times that the hours are long........ BUT ultimately my wife and children are more important than the farm. I could easily get sucked into working day and night but I have made a decision not to. There are times we must work late and times that it can wait. My wife knows what it's like to feel like a single parent sometimes but she also knows that I will never work late just for the sake of it or out of habit. It is definitely a mindset change that your husband needs, and if possible an extra pair of hands it seems. I've just taken on a 16 year old apprentice, first person I've ever employed purely to try to get a better work life balance. Yes it will cost me but you can't put a price on family time. I'm a firm believer in the fact that if God rested on the seventh day how much more do we need to being mere humans so Sunday is our family's day to "catch up" with each other where only the essential work is done i.e. Feed the livestock. I don't have loads of time off but we do have days out and we even had four nights away at the start of august which was a real treat. I have the advantage of living on site but even if I didn't I'd get my backside home for tea each evening so we could eat as a family even if I then went back to work sometimes afterwards. I'll often stop from 18:00 - 20:00 to spend time with the kids and put them to bed then go back out till ten or eleven o clock, but again only if I NEED to. It's not a habit for me.
Sounds like your husband is in a rut, but a rut is just a grave with both ends knocked out.

Fantastic post totally agree

 

[Still Farming]

It's hard if you don't live on the farm .my house is a mile away . You have to make an effort where as I can pop in and out of the family home

Some farms are much bigger than a mile away and they live on it .

 

[Err0l]

There is definitely more to life than farming I used to work 12 on 2 off and I will never do it again. If you own/ run the farm it is a CHOICE how much you work that's the joy of being self employed. "Normal" folk work 37 1/2 hours a week and farmers think that's a joke when in reality it should be the aim.

Show your OH this thread, show him how it looks from an outsiders point of view and show him your not happy. If he puts a cow or a field of wheat before his kids then surely your better off without him. (hopefully it doesn't come to that)

Just my opinion but I have seen this all before. It is the exact same attitude that makes idiots put on twice the workload for 10% more profit only to find they lose 50% of their farm if you catch my drift.

 

[Derrick Hughes]

Some farms are much bigger than a mile away and they live on it .

When I was kid my playground was the farm yard. In and out of the house .watching dad at work or inside with mum . The advantage of living In a farm yard

 

[FonterraFarmer]

When I was kid my playground was the farm yard. In and out of the house .watching dad at work or inside with mum . The advantage of living In a farm yard

You sure you want that phrased that way? I had to read it three times to get your intended meaning

 

[oakleaf]

I have just read the entire thread and Christ that op makes heartachingly sad reading. There have been many good helpful posts and its difficult to add anything original. But you must talk it out with him... it is the only way. You will have to pick the right time to do this and be prepared to accept that it may all end in tears but you cant carry on your life like this.You only get one.

I dont really feel comfortable to talk about my own experiences on here yet. I have been both incredibly lucky and also let down in my life , and am not the best talker myself but it is really the only way of initiating change.

 

[Old McDonald]

You make some valid points.
However I have to take issue with your assertion that 'talking' will not help.
It may, of course, be fruitless. But if a husband and wife cannot talk, what sort of relationship is that?

I did not say that "talking" will not help. I said - according to what I gleaned from the OP, that her husband would not "sit down and talk". I ony have her side of the story, as we all do, but a man who has all his meals outside the family home is most defintiely not the kind who can be persuaded to "sit down and talk". When could that be done? He must leave home before breakfast and not return until he has finished what is presumably a long and tiring day - not the right time to "talk". According to the info from the OP there is no time when he would be amenable to "sit down and talk".

Obviously in this case they cannot talk (and the wife could be at fault not the husband) otherwise they would have done so long before now.

You are correct to question the relationship if they are unable to talk. My wife and I do not breakfast together - it suits us that I rise before her and eat earlier than she does, but the last time we did not have lunch and dinner together was probably in January 2011 when I returned to the UK for my mother's funeral and she remained here becasue our goats were kidding and we could not both go back. As previously posted the highlight of my day has always been and still is dinner with my wife - when we do talk. A lot of reminiscing and some forward planning, but often just general chit-chat about nothing in particular. We disagree several times a week, including tonight, but never really fall out. I will rejoin her shortly and have a nightcap. She will just have water as usual.

 

[Old McDonald]

@oldmacdonalds post suggested that she knew what she married into so should just suck it up (sorry if I've got the wrong impression here!). I'd like to suggest that's not usually the case. Very few relationships start with one person never doing anything but work, never being part of a couple, never going anywhere. My own first marriage is a case in point. He was there every evening to see me, the odd day out now and then, a trip to the cinema sometimes, walks, meals out. Not every day, and plenty of work was done during the day. Lambing time came and I didn't see much of him. This was expected and understood. After lambing we went back to being a couple, doing what couples do (no rude jokes please!), until haytime. Then back to the round the clock work, you know how it goes. Afterwards we went back to being the couple again. All was well. Then we got married. All of a sudden, there was no "us", he was too busy wall to wall farming. The kids came and I was a single parent. Eventually we split up, not because of farming (obviously I've an interest in farming) or the time he didn't spend with me, but it certainly didn't help. It's easy to feel mislead, when the person who spent some time with you and valued your company before marriage suddenly has NO time for you at all.

No need to apologise for misreading. In fact that is partly what I was saying. Marriage is the most difficult partnership. It takes a long time to find out what the other person is really like and where they want to go in the future. It is not easy and we all tend to be persuaded by looks in the first instance. You have to sort of "fancy" somebody to want to even meet them. But, if you fail to find out what their intentions are, then you either live with it, or part.

 

[holwellcourtfarm]

You sure you want that phrased that way? I had to read it three times to get your intended meaning

Wash your mind out sir !

 

[FonterraFarmer]

Wash your mind out sir !

More like FT's parents should have shut the door properly!

 

[onefineday]

Thank you for your honest replies. I can assure you I am not make believe and have been trying to piece together all of the advice I have been given, which I have found overwhelming, I'm obviously naive to the power of social media!

My Husband and I have been together a decade, half of this time we've been married. I'm sorry if some of what I'd written gave anyone the impression that I was preparing to throw in the towel, far from it hence my post. I have no intention to leave him, or issue silly ultimatums that I wont follow through. I want him to take me seriously, not roll his eyes and think there she goes blowing hot and cold again, this morning she was leaving, now my dinners on the table! I may not like our current situation but to be a divorcee with young children (or ever) is also not my goal!

Before we had the children, I would spend all my spare time with my Husband, sometimes following him about the yard passing spanners like a lost sheep. Many many fond hours spent talking about anything and everything in tractor cabs, and I also put in hours driving tractors for him, hauling silage, rolling, raking (you know the boy jobs!).

Since the children, we definitely do go up the farm regularly, however sometimes there is no one about when we thought there would be and we find ourselves sat alone in my in-laws home waiting for someone to return, and nothing to do whilst waiting just thinking about what I could be doing at home. Or I find I go up the farm and spend more time with my mother in law than my husband, not a problem but not what we were looking to achieve either.

Again some people suggested I take the children out and get on with things? We aren’t sat around all the time, we do go out and have a lovely time, but just sometimes we want Daddy there too to see it and experience it with us. Weekends are the worst because all of my friends have there Husbands at home so no one really wants to see us as they’re guarding their family time, rightly so.

For all that asked how many are on the farm, I intentionally omitted that because I felt that would influence how you answered my original question of how many you think that enterprise should require? I suppose my aim was to try and build a business plan to present to my Husband, I’d like to understand whether the quantity of us are inefficient or overworked?!?

Is the farm making money? Some years yes others no, but isn’t that farming and why we employ an Accountant to help average out the rough and smooth?

Unfortunately I have sat down and talked with my Husband more times than I like to recall. Both before we had a family and more persistently since, hence I decided to air my laundry on here!

He has a cup of tea with me first thing and sees the children for usually quarter to half an hour each morning (providing they don’t sleep in). He takes a packed lunch to work which he obviously eats there (he’s been doing that since we brought our house as I asked him to have his evening meal at home with me which we used to do at sometimes unearthly hours before the small people!) So I still cook an evening meal for us all but he has his on his own microwaved when he comes back, after the children are in bed.

I hope to show this to my Husband soon, however I don’t want to hurt his feelings, I know he feels under pressure. I know he loves us, and we love him. Why else would we want to spend more time with him!

Thank you Caveman for your comments, you made me smile, but please don’t think his mother is any better?!?

Best wishes to you all for your comments and support, it's very appreciated.

 

[Goweresque]

For all that asked how many are on the farm, I intentionally omitted that because I felt that would influence how you answered my original question of how many you think that enterprise should require? I suppose my aim was to try and build a business plan to present to my Husband, I’d like to understand whether the quantity of us are inefficient or overworked?!?

Is the farm making money? Some years yes others no, but isn’t that farming and why we employ an Accountant to help average out the rough and smooth?

Its a bit of a 'How long is a piece of string' question, that, because a lot depends on how many people are trying to take a living from 250 acres plus another 600 on FBT. If there's a string of siblings all needing a living out of it then I can see that those acres are going to have to be farmed pretty intensively to try and extract the maximum profit out of it (though that begs the question if there other siblings are they also working as many hours). On the other hand if its just your husband and his perhaps ageing parents doing the work and he's the main labour source then I can see why he's working so hard, but its entirely possible that the FBTs are effectively make work for very little additional profit.

And then again a lot depends on the nature of the FBTs - if they are at top end rents (maybe tendered for in a fit of trying to be top dog among the neighbours) then its possible that there are some serious rent cheques having to be found every six months, hence the mad merry-go-round of constant activity to try and make that money. Maybe the in-laws like the social cachet that goes with having a 'big farm' and don't fancy being seen as 'just' farming 250 acres, who knows?

Without more info (which understandably you may not want to give on a public forum) its very hard to make comments about the business side of things.

 

[jendan]

Its a bit of a 'How long is a piece of string' question, that, because a lot depends on how many people are trying to take a living from 250 acres plus another 600 on FBT. If there's a string of siblings all needing a living out of it then I can see that those acres are going to have to be farmed pretty intensively to try and extract the maximum profit out of it (though that begs the question if there other siblings are they also working as many hours). On the other hand if its just your husband and his perhaps ageing parents doing the work and he's the main labour source then I can see why he's working so hard, but its entirely possible that the FBTs are effectively make work for very little additional profit.

And then again a lot depends on the nature of the FBTs - if they are at top end rents (maybe tendered for in a fit of trying to be top dog among the neighbours) then its possible that there are some serious rent cheques having to be found every six months, hence the mad merry-go-round of constant activity to try and make that money. Maybe the in-laws like the social cachet that goes with having a 'big farm' and don't fancy being seen as 'just' farming 250 acres, who knows?

Without more info (which understandably you may not want to give on a public forum) its very hard to make comments about the business side of things.

The first thing you want to do is to try and stop him thinking he has to "compete" with his neighbours.Its just plain stupid,and they are probably making a balls up of the job anyway.Ive got some like that,and they are total kn*bheads,first to cut grass,first to combine etc,start the forager at stupid oclock in the morning and keep going till 2-3 am in the morning even when its not going to rain.As if everything is a race.Then boast about it in the pub afterwards,they are stupid idiots.

 

[caveman]

Thank you Caveman for your comments, you made me smile, but please don’t think his mother is any better?!?

Hmmmm.
So is he working late or drinking her brew?

 

[Barleycorn]

I think that I have read and taken in most of this post, but it seems to me that the "in laws" are the problem. Does mummy want to keep him from that "horrible" outsider who drew him away?
Quite a common scenario. If the inlaws had any sense or feeling for their son they would see that this situation was threatening his marriage and sanity and do something about it.

 

[lazy farmer]

sorry not sure if this has been mentioned but how about swapping houses? this won't solve the over working issues but it would allow you to be closer to each other.

 

[unlacedgecko]

I think that I have read and taken in most of this post, but it seems to me that the "in laws" are the problem. Does mummy want to keep him from that "horrible" outsider who drew him away?
Quite a common scenario. If the inlaws had any sense or feeling for their son they would see that this situation was threatening his marriage and sanity and do something about it.

One of several reasons why I no longer speak with my mother.

 

[GTB]

sorry not sure if this has been mentioned but how about swapping houses? this won't solve the over working issues but it would allow you to be closer to each other.

Yes but I'm sure the op wouldn't want to live in a house owned by her in laws when she and her husband own their own home. Nothing worse (I'm guessing ) than wanting to do alterations or redecorate the house only to be told you can't because it's been like that for years and if it was good enough for them, then it's good enough for you.

 

[bobajob]

How about selling or renting out the house you are in to help finance the building of a house on the farm.?

You and your husband would still own the new house.

 

[Still Farming]

Tit for tat senario's played out across the land and don't believe any Farming Families that say all this has'nt gone on at some point !!!