Dealing with depression - suicidal thoughts - Join the conversation (including helpline details)

[haulmblower]

Here's another. Boris.

@Darren
Thank you.
I was going to say I think we should get back on topic. But now I've seen Boris and his cap he could cheer anyone up.

 

[Robt]

I suffered depression after a serious injury, even my closest friends didn't realise as when out I was life and soul of party, these were followed by serious lows, such as get up, no food, work, no food, enjoy hunger feeling, go home, go straight to bed without washing or no food. Did this for days on end, the. Would go out and go crazy.... This lead to me being diagnosed with slight aspergous(still can't spell it!) tendencies. Hence I found it harder to deal and read emotions. Got myself through it but to this day my glass is either half full or empty. I can't do in between. My future wife knows me well enough to let me have my own space and no that I need it, 30mins later I'm fine. But without that space I find it harder to read emotions of others.
Drugs help at start but only offer short term, council ing worked for me. Sometimes to you have experience the lowest you can go just to push yourself to see if you can...

 

[Tomjoad]

I suffered depression after a serious injury, even my closest friends didn't realise as when out I was life and soul of party, these were followed by serious lows, such as get up, no food, work, no food, enjoy hunger feeling, go home, go straight to bed without washing or no food. Did this for days on end, the. Would go out and go crazy.... This lead to me being diagnosed with slight aspergous(still can't spell it!) tendencies. Hence I found it harder to deal and read emotions. Got myself through it but to this day my glass is either half full or empty. I can't do in between. My future wife knows me well enough to let me have my own space and no that I need it, 30mins later I'm fine. But without that space I find it harder to read emotions of others.
Drugs help at start but only offer short term, council ing worked for me. Sometimes to you have experience the lowest you can go just to push yourself to see if you can...

Seemed an odd post to 'like' but I can relate to a lot of what you say.

You are dealing well with things if you understand why you are acting in a certain way. Also by letting others know that a) you have certain problems and b) how they can make things more manageable for you through their actions then you can progress.

It's far braver to face problems than ignore them. That macho bullsh1t doesn't wash with me.

Best of luck

 

[IANTO]

I have just caught up with this thread.

I will tell you my story.

The eldest of four siblings, in a fairly close family, following the death of my father, I was expected to manage everything.

While my mother was physically and mentally "compos mentis" I coped.

When she began to develop dementia, it became harder and harder, as the other two of the other three siblings, put their own family and lives first.

My unmarried brother, did his best to share the burden, but as her condition worsened it became harder and harder.

My mother was a highly intelligent individual who lived for "intellectual" pursuits.

She made us promise, that we would shoot her or give her strychnine before we would let her become a cabbage.

She is now 93 and has been in a home for 3 years.

I struggle to go and see her as I feel I have failed her.

My brother and I both felt we had failed her, and it has affected both of us, and I have had to deal with the effect on him, as well as trying to cope with my own state of mind.

Someone who is suffering from mental illness, does or cannot accept that he needs help, and will not go to a GP or seek advice of his own volition, and the system does not work, unless you take extreme measures.

Extreme measures meant dialling 999 and involving the Police. Having spoken to me and my brother, they told him to go and see the GP, and also telephoned the surgery.

He was put on tablets, but stopped taking them after a time.

Another occasion when I had to involve the Police.

Since then he is being monitored, by the Community Mental Health, and the GP, and more importantly both are prepared to talk to me about his state of mind.

I have suffered just as much as he has, but felt I had to be strong, as I duty to him, and more importantly my wife and child.

I did feel I was stressed and did go and see my GP. The tablets prescribed only made things worse. When I took them, I was on a high and did not give a damn. When I stopped I struggled to get out of bed. There was no happy medium.

I was offered a Stress Management Course, which I signed up for, but two years later am still waiting, as they keep cancelling it, as there are not enough takers.

I have contemplated suicide.

I have sat in the car at 4.00am at the end of a straight farm road that would take me at a 100mph through a fence and hedge, over a 200ft cliff into Cardigan Bay.

I have locked myself in a room with 5 gallons of petrol, knives etc., when at my lowest point.

I could not do it, for the sake of my wife and child.(I am 63 and daughter is 12.).

The answer for me has been drink.

I drink more than I should, but that is the only way I could function.

I do not drink every day, but when I do I drink a lot, and in some way I am slowly committing suicide, as my liver will eventually not be able to cope.

I am typing this, as I finish the third bottle of Rioja.

Don't judge and please don't pity me.

I know what I have to do, and hope I can pull myself together, for the sake of my wife and daughter.

I am however concentrating on putting my affairs in order, to simply matters after my day,

Ianto

 

[snowhite]

hi Ianto we ware woundering where you had gone to

 

[Athlete's Foot]

I have just caught up with this thread.

I will tell you my story.

The eldest of four siblings, in a fairly close family, following the death of my father, I was expected to manage everything.

While my mother was physically and mentally "compos mentis" I coped.

When she began to develop dementia, it became harder and harder, as the other two of the other three siblings, put their own family and lives first.

My unmarried brother, did his best to share the burden, but as her condition worsened it became harder and harder.

My mother was a highly intelligent individual who lived for "intellectual" pursuits.

She made us promise, that we would shoot her or give her strychnine before we would let her become a cabbage.

She is now 93 and has been in a home for 3 years.

I struggle to go and see her as I feel I have failed her.

My brother and I both felt we had failed her, and it has affected both of us, and I have had to deal with the effect on him, as well as trying to cope with my own state of mind.

Someone who is suffering from mental illness, does or cannot accept that he needs help, and will not go to a GP or seek advice of his own volition, and the system does not work, unless you take extreme measures.

Extreme measures meant dialling 999 and involving the Police. Having spoken to me and my brother, they told him to go and see the GP, and also telephoned the surgery.

He was put on tablets, but stopped taking them after a time.

Another occasion when I had to involve the Police.

Since then he is being monitored, by the Community Mental Health, and the GP, and more importantly both are prepared to talk to me about his state of mind.

I have suffered just as much as he has, but felt I had to be strong, as I duty to him, and more importantly my wife and child.

I did feel I was stressed and did go and see my GP. The tablets prescribed only made things worse. When I took them, I was on a high and did not give a damn. When I stopped I struggled to get out of bed. There was no happy medium.

I was offered a Stress Management Course, which I signed up for, but two years later am still waiting, as they keep cancelling it, as there are not enough takers.

I have contemplated suicide.

I have sat in the car at 4.00am at the end of a straight farm road that would take me at a 100mph through a fence and hedge, over a 200ft cliff into Cardigan Bay.

I have locked myself in a room with 5 gallons of petrol, knives etc., when at my lowest point.

I could not do it, for the sake of my wife and child.(I am 63 and daughter is 12.).

The answer for me has been drink.

I drink more than I should, but that is the only way I could function.

I do not drink every day, but when I do I drink a lot, and in some way I am slowly committing suicide, as my liver will eventually not be able to cope.

I am typing this, as I finish the third bottle of Rioja.

Don't judge and please don't pity me.

I know what I have to do, and hope I can pull myself together, for the sake of my wife and daughter.

I am however concentrating on putting my affairs in order, to simply matters after my day,

Ianto

Ianto
I cannot understand depression, and unless one has been there I doubt anyone really can understand it. Having lost a close family member only last year to this dreadful illness I am still desperately trying to understand it. My advice is pick up the phone and speak to somebody in your area from FCN, Farming Community Network, their telephone number is: 0845 367 9990
They will be able to help you and help is what you need as this is not something you should be tackling yourself. Please Ianto call them, I know they are the best and if anyone can understand what you are suffering and can help, it is them. Call them 0845 367 9990 Now !! Please don't leave it

 

[Welsh Farmer]

Ianto ... I'm so sorry for all that you have gone though and how you feel. This is not pity, it's genuine sorrow for your plight. Takes a brave man to post what you have just written but in doing so it demonstrates a real desire to improve things for you, your wife, your daughter and your brother. Good man Ianto .... here's sending you sustaining thoughts of hope and comfort as you face your demons. I wish you all good things and I hope you get the help you need xxx

 

[Tomjoad]

@IANTO don't give up with the medication. Some types won't work for you and will make things a damn site worse. Others will work, just need to find the right ones. You really need a therapist who can adjust your meds accordingly until the right balance is found.

Not preaching, just hate to see someone suffer in this way.

 

[ajcc]

Hey Ianto, you're having a tough time but you have to ride it out, things will get better. When you sense those dark thoughts coming you need to short circuit or interrupt them early. A special place, a special memory you need to foster and nurture and visualise and relax and concentrate on that good vision.
Mine is a meadow in high summer, and watching a skylark ascending with my 2 children, seeing who can still see it as it climbs and climbs. Simple but effective concentrate and visualise in great detail the sights, sound and smells of that wonderful, simple experience and use it to retrain your mind and break out of the rut each time you sense bad thoughts or feelings beginning.
It works if you train yourself first thing on waking and last thing at night and ten times in between.
It worked for us when my son was diagnosed with cfs/me.

 

[Robt]

@IANTO , you are not alone. Follow the advice of ajcc. It will get easier. You are not a quitter! Talking really does help. I bet you are getting lots if support from all your friends n here. Please do try Counselling, it really does help. Farming is tough, life is tougher but is worthwhile.
All the very best and hope to read your comments for years to come
Rob Thurkettle

 

[SilliamWhale]

@IANTO - I've not read any of the thread. But I don't think you have failed your mum at all. Everyone says "I'd rather not be alive than have dementia" or that sort of thing but the truth is we don't have such choices in life, and in a way when any of us say things like that we're forgetting that we or no one around us has responsibility for matters such as dementia, there is no moral code shaped around it which helps us deal with it so do not feel like its your burden or obligation, its an impossible one to carry.

With pleasure I'll meet up with you for a cup of coffee if you ever want to have a chat (and I mean that)

 

[Docwalters]

We seem to have, as a nation, got out of the habit of using one of our greatest resources. I'm talking about the church.
Most vicars have time to listen and have vast experience of emotional trauma.
I am a country Rector with three churches and have my share of suicides but they have always been outside of my churches ( I mean not known to me until after the event).
Sadly, we only seem to get involved when it is too late and we are contacted to arrange the funeral service!.
If only people realised that those involved in leadership in the church have, in many cases, been trained especially to deal with emotional and mental problems.
Of course, also, there is a deeper, spiritual dimension that needs to be considered and only those with experience with spiritual matters are prepared for the task.
Farming suicides are not a new event. Loneliness plays a great part.
Get to know your local Vicar or Rector ( the country version), even if you don't go to church.
He or she is a valuable asset to the community and should not be ignored.

God bless

CW

 

[Docwalters]

I should have said if ever I can be of help at any time then PM me

CW

 

[Welsh Farmer]

Good post, good advice and good offer of help @Docwalters

Each of us differs, but I know that in our saddest and most desperate moments our family's strength has been our Faith. It has been this that has sustained us through these difficult times. Our Parish Priest has listened and guided us through some harrowing times and I feel this has helped ease the pain and paved the way to move forwards enormously.

 

[Docwalters]

Diolch.
Thanks for the post and the positive reply.
We need to reach out more to help those who feel they are alone.
God bless.

CW

 

[@johnwhiteagri]

Wishing you all the very best ☺

 

[IANTO]

Diolch.
Thanks for the post and the positive reply.
We need to reach out more to help those who feel they are alone.
God bless.

CW

This may sound convoluted, but I am at my best when dealing with the problems of others.

I forget my own. I am at my best when under stress to assist others.

Nothing pressing, and I brood on my own problems, and that is when I drink too much.

Wy't ti'n deal?

IANTO

 

[IANTO]

@IANTO - I've not read any of the thread. But I don't think you have failed your mum at all. Everyone says "I'd rather not be alive than have dementia" or that sort of thing but the truth is we don't have such choices in life, and in a way when any of us say things like that we're forgetting that we or no one around us has responsibility for matters such as dementia, there is no moral code shaped around it which helps us deal with it so do not feel like its your burden or obligation, its an impossible one to carry.

With pleasure I'll meet up with you for a cup of coffee if you ever want to have a chat (and I mean that)

William,

Here is a copy of a letter send in for a retrospective Health Care Claim for my mother to Powys Health Authority.

"My mother was never the same after my father died in 2001.

From then up to September 2008, my brother stayed with her at night most of the time, and I worked from an Office above his Garage and kept an eye on her and prepared meals for during the day. The beginning of September 2008, my brother had to move to Aberystwyth, and as it was obvious by then that she could not be left on her own, and I my wife and daughter moved in to care for her.

My mother was an intelligent woman. She had suffered from Arthritis for years, and from Type II Diabetes, which she controlled by watching her diet. She had also had a fall and broken her ankle a few years previously, and this had affected her mobility and was constantly in pain. Her behaviour had started to change in 2008, which the onset of Dementia or at least a degeneration of the Brain, which might have been caused by Mini Strokes.

The deterioration was rapid.

She began failing regularly for no apparent reason, and became increasingly unsteady on her feet. On three occasions while I was talking to her, her eyes rolled back, and she seemed to lose consciousness for a few seconds, but then recovered and did not realise anything had happened. On those occasions I witnessed, I was able to hold her to stop her falling. I suspect but do not know for certain that the falls were due to these mini-strokes. When I took her to see a consultant Psychiatrist at Withybush Hospital who asked her various questions (Tests) he told me that there was degeneration of the Brain that was consistent with Mini Strokes – and this might be the reason for her Dementia if I remember correctly.

Most of the falls resulted in only cuts and bruises, but had to be hospitalised on two occasions. The first time she was hospitalised at Withybush Hospital, she spent a period of recuperation at Cardigan Hospital. We had already moved a bed for her downstairs and constructed a wet room next door, as by then she was not capable of attending to her toileting needs unaided, was at times incontinent, and had difficulty standing and walking even with a Zimmer Frame and was complaining that she was constantly in pain.

Her mind had deteriorated to the extent that she was asking repetitive questions every few minutes, and had reverted to her childhood and the period before she married in 1949. She worked in a Bank as a Clerk and was continuously counting in £ s d.

She was a danger to herself and my family. I caught her trying to put a plastic kettle on a Hot Plate, but thankfully it was switched off at the mains. No longer able to control her Dementia, we had to hide anything sweet, as her weekly tests showed she was well outside the range.

Her behaviour was unpredictable. She complained she was always in pain but could not tell us where the pain was. If we touched her, we were hurting her. At times she tried to bite me or my wife, for no apparent reason.

We as a family have been told that she has passed through all the stages associated with Dementia.
Un-cooperative, Aggressive, Repetitive etc.

Following a further fall in late August or the beginning September 2010 she was again admitted to Withybush Hospital, and she remained in Hospital for several weeks.

We were told in no uncertain terms, that they would not allow her to return home, since she could not stand unaided and would require 24 hour care, with two people available, which we could not provide.

She regularly complained of pain when she was moved or indeed if someone was to touch her, both in her home, in Withybush hospital and Cartref Nursing Home. It was only approximately two years later that a nurse dressing a wound on her ankle saw a piece of metal.

She was subsequently admitted to West Wales General Hospital Carmarthen and the metal plates and screws were removed.

Since then she has not I am told complained of pain.

I rarely go and see her, as it is too painful, to see the proud and intelligent woman I knew reduced to a cabbage.

On the few occasions I have visited her, she either did not recognise me, or chose to ignore me, as she blamed me for putting her there, and not complying with her wishes and shooting her.

Since she went into Cartref Care Home, my sister and youngest brother are the ones who visit her most often.

If you want further information, please let me know, and I will get their input.

Dementia is a medical/health condition as such should be funded under continuous health care.

With an ever ageing population, this not feasible in the long term, and the point will soon come, when there will be a cut-off point and anyone over 80 is past their Sell-by date, and will be put-down.

That was the attitude of Glangwily Hospital in 2001 when they realised my father was 85.

IANTO

Son and Attorney for Welfare and Financial Affairs.

 

[Welsh Farmer]

@IANTO .... I'm sure anyone reading that would not consider for a nano second that you have failed your mother in any way and in fact many on here ... my self included .... would be able to identify with much of what you have written. You need to learn to shake the guilt which although is very real for you is definitely misplaced and you also need to be able to forgive yourself. It's OK that you don't feel able to visit your mum .... I don't visit my mum for much the same reason as yours. It's sad, I feel guilty and I wish it was different but the fact is it's easier on her, me and my family if we have VERY limited contact because in her lucid moments she is grateful that I sort everything out .... but in her less good days then I'm pretty much the spawn of the devil and responsible for everything that has, is or will go wrong I've learnt NOT to beat myself up over this because it's NOT my fault and it's NOT her fault either, it's the nature of the beast that is the deterioration of mental health.

Good that your posting on here Ianto because having even the smallest vent can be very cathartic for you. It's not your fault Ianto that this has happened. Just post on here when ever you feel in a bad place or under a dark cloud. Stay strong, fight the fight .... just don't be too hard on yourself eh

 

[Old Boar]

You know where I am @IANTO - you are always welcome to come and chat, I am a good listener and if I can help, I would be pleased to do so.