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Dealing with depression - suicidal thoughts - Join the conversation (including helpline details)
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<blockquote data-quote="Roy Baty" data-source="post: 3387926" data-attributes="member: 62608"><p>I was recently given a copy of my old school reports. I have always been an academic over-achiever. But growing up we were constantly told how little we had - the usual things as a farming child. So no money for heating on; holidays; anything like that. Which was probably true and my parents have worked very hard, yet family life was fing crap. I am, as a result, exceptionally financially prudent. Or rather excessively. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>It is entirely a learnt response, and no it cannot be reprogrammed. This is not new, and has been with me for over 20 years. </p><p></p><p>So take excessive prudence and a need for a certain level of security, and wrap them up in a job which as far as I can see the results largely come down to weather and currency and there is surely a complete lack of control of your own destiny. This is not a great situation for someone who likes to micromanage and plan everything. </p><p></p><p>There is, sadly, no way through. This is something you have for life. It is how your brain is wired to react to real or imaginary stresses. For me they are both real and imaginary. If a careers adviser saw me at 18 they would say "you should be a business leader, or a politician" but really a psychologist would have said "you should be stacking shelves at Tesco and avoiding all responsibility". </p><p></p><p>The dividing line between greatness / genius and mental illness are well know. If you met me, you would consider me a well travelled, well spoken, multi-lingual, moderately-successful businessman in decent health. But that doesnt stop me spending days making the breakfast, doing the school run and then sitting in a corner hoping the phone doesnt ring until its time to pick the children up and make the tea. </p><p></p><p>In poker you look for a tell. Similarly, for the chronically anxious there are signs. So next time you meet someone outwardly doing well, just keep your eyes open for something not-quite-right. For me, its my fingers. When I am edgy, I pick the skin on my hands. It started when I was about 14. And every new year I promise to stop. But you can see if you look, that the skin on my fingers between the nail and the knuckle is pretty much destroyed, bleeding and scarred. </p><p></p><p>Things may be different now, but since about 11 I have been told the world is my oyster, but you never realise how the decisions you make quite early on in life have a profound effect on the number of future choices you can make, versus the routes you are essentially forced to take by circumstance. </p><p></p><p>I am a diagnosed manic-depressive. They call it bi-polar now, and it's seemingly quite trendy. I am quite used to the peaks and troughs that come with it, and apologise that I made my first post on what was a bit of an off-day. Extreme stress is a trigger, and I am hopeful that one source of this is about to go away and give me a few weeks respite before the next calamity. I used to have a non-farming job where solving problems, or "fire-fighting" was par for the course and it was exciting and challenging. But now it is more difficult to switch off. Its almost 2am now and I expect I will lie awake for the next hour or so until I finally fall asleep. So please, I really just needed somewhere to dump all that crap. I am not in any immediate difficulty or peril, and will sink back into the woodwork now.</p><p></p><p>Best wishes to all.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Roy Baty, post: 3387926, member: 62608"] I was recently given a copy of my old school reports. I have always been an academic over-achiever. But growing up we were constantly told how little we had - the usual things as a farming child. So no money for heating on; holidays; anything like that. Which was probably true and my parents have worked very hard, yet family life was fing crap. I am, as a result, exceptionally financially prudent. Or rather excessively. It is entirely a learnt response, and no it cannot be reprogrammed. This is not new, and has been with me for over 20 years. So take excessive prudence and a need for a certain level of security, and wrap them up in a job which as far as I can see the results largely come down to weather and currency and there is surely a complete lack of control of your own destiny. This is not a great situation for someone who likes to micromanage and plan everything. There is, sadly, no way through. This is something you have for life. It is how your brain is wired to react to real or imaginary stresses. For me they are both real and imaginary. If a careers adviser saw me at 18 they would say "you should be a business leader, or a politician" but really a psychologist would have said "you should be stacking shelves at Tesco and avoiding all responsibility". The dividing line between greatness / genius and mental illness are well know. If you met me, you would consider me a well travelled, well spoken, multi-lingual, moderately-successful businessman in decent health. But that doesnt stop me spending days making the breakfast, doing the school run and then sitting in a corner hoping the phone doesnt ring until its time to pick the children up and make the tea. In poker you look for a tell. Similarly, for the chronically anxious there are signs. So next time you meet someone outwardly doing well, just keep your eyes open for something not-quite-right. For me, its my fingers. When I am edgy, I pick the skin on my hands. It started when I was about 14. And every new year I promise to stop. But you can see if you look, that the skin on my fingers between the nail and the knuckle is pretty much destroyed, bleeding and scarred. Things may be different now, but since about 11 I have been told the world is my oyster, but you never realise how the decisions you make quite early on in life have a profound effect on the number of future choices you can make, versus the routes you are essentially forced to take by circumstance. I am a diagnosed manic-depressive. They call it bi-polar now, and it's seemingly quite trendy. I am quite used to the peaks and troughs that come with it, and apologise that I made my first post on what was a bit of an off-day. Extreme stress is a trigger, and I am hopeful that one source of this is about to go away and give me a few weeks respite before the next calamity. I used to have a non-farming job where solving problems, or "fire-fighting" was par for the course and it was exciting and challenging. But now it is more difficult to switch off. Its almost 2am now and I expect I will lie awake for the next hour or so until I finally fall asleep. So please, I really just needed somewhere to dump all that crap. I am not in any immediate difficulty or peril, and will sink back into the woodwork now. Best wishes to all. [/QUOTE]
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Dealing with depression - suicidal thoughts - Join the conversation (including helpline details)
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