Dealing with depression - suicidal thoughts - Join the conversation (including helpline details)

Christoph1945 · Mar 9, 2022

Spuddler said:
With the goings on in the world at the moment seems to make my problems look immaterial.
The last 4-5 months I have obtained the black dog, Weather, difficult family, job I don’t like etc, no new story to the most of us. For the last month I have been doing my daily routines and going back to bed, probably in bed by about 7 totally drained with things constantly going around in my mind.
Shotgun taken away.
One thing I have noticed is nobody cares especially family. I have always checked to see if people are ok , but when you need it yourself there’s no one.
Feel very lonely although I meet people through work every day.
At what point do you feel your life has to change.
Thanks

You write that your shotgun has been taken away and to me that sounds like someone is actually caring about you and is noticing your struggle to some degree. By sharing your thoughts and difficulties you are already starting pull some of the black dog's teeth and releasing some of those internal pressures.

By now, after being a member of TFF for so many years, you must already realise what a superb thinktank the forum is and just how many farmers on here are always ready to listen, support, and advise on any agricultural problems that you may be struggling with.

Crofter64 · Mar 10, 2022

Spuddler said:
With the goings on in the world at the moment seems to make my problems look immaterial.
The last 4-5 months I have obtained the black dog, Weather, difficult family, job I don’t like etc, no new story to the most of us. For the last month I have been doing my daily routines and going back to bed, probably in bed by about 7 totally drained with things constantly going around in my mind.
Shotgun taken away.
One thing I have noticed is nobody cares especially family. I have always checked to see if people are ok , but when you need it yourself there’s no one.
Feel very lonely although I meet people through work every day.
At what point do you feel your life has to change.
Thanks

I’ve noticed that you check out the ‘ Will Putin invade ‘ thread. I have stopped looking at and reading the news, and now even the Putin thread.At the end of a hard winter, 2 years of stupid Covid panic, and feeling blue it might be better to stay away.I have been binge watching You Tube videos of music that makes me happy. I have watched so much that it has permanently etched itself in my brain. and I feel much better able to face whatever comes next.
Saw my first flock of geese today. Spring is definitely on its way!

Jackov Altraids · Mar 10, 2022

Spuddler said:
With the goings on in the world at the moment seems to make my problems look immaterial.
The last 4-5 months I have obtained the black dog, Weather, difficult family, job I don’t like etc, no new story to the most of us. For the last month I have been doing my daily routines and going back to bed, probably in bed by about 7 totally drained with things constantly going around in my mind.
Shotgun taken away.
One thing I have noticed is nobody cares especially family. I have always checked to see if people are ok , but when you need it yourself there’s no one.
Feel very lonely although I meet people through work every day.
At what point do you feel your life has to change.
Thanks

Sorry to hear you are feeling that way but I'm glad you have shared it.
It is very much part of 'the black dog' that you don't recognise the love and care from those around you. I'm sure it's there but your mind, being 'in the wrong place', interprets peoples actions and words negatively no matter how they try to help.
The weight of it is very tiring and debilitating but you will get better.
This has been my experince anyway having had occasional bouts since primary school.
Using various strategies, each bout has been less intense and for a shorter time.
For me, life didn't have to change. I did need a plan to change my life and just knowing that it was possible was enough to get better.

Christoph1945 · Mar 10, 2022

During my last employment within the chemical industry I ofted had time to chat with one of our managers, John, who had served in the RAF as a flight engineer on Lancaster bombers during WWII. John, on two occasions, had been shot down and survived to escape and eventually join an advisory group for escapees.

Well, being knocked down and held prisoner by the black dog of depression can really make us feel that there is no escape but there are others, in here, who have been through the mill of depression and are living proof that there is a way through depression and out into brighter days.

Henarar · Mar 10, 2022

Spuddler said:
With the goings on in the world at the moment seems to make my problems look immaterial.
The last 4-5 months I have obtained the black dog, Weather, difficult family, job I don’t like etc, no new story to the most of us. For the last month I have been doing my daily routines and going back to bed, probably in bed by about 7 totally drained with things constantly going around in my mind.
Shotgun taken away.
One thing I have noticed is nobody cares especially family. I have always checked to see if people are ok , but when you need it yourself there’s no one.
Feel very lonely although I meet people through work every day.
At what point do you feel your life has to change.
Thanks

Sorry to hear about this if you want to chat you know where I am,
I would think your family do care from what I know of them though it may seem that they don't to you as this can be part of depression,
At least you know there is something wrong and admit it to yourself, have you sort help from your doctor? There is good effective help out there its just finding the right person.
Go on steady.

Weasel · Mar 10, 2022

Spuddler said:
With the goings on in the world at the moment seems to make my problems look immaterial.
The last 4-5 months I have obtained the black dog, Weather, difficult family, job I don’t like etc, no new story to the most of us. For the last month I have been doing my daily routines and going back to bed, probably in bed by about 7 totally drained with things constantly going around in my mind.
Shotgun taken away.
One thing I have noticed is nobody cares especially family. I have always checked to see if people are ok , but when you need it yourself there’s no one.
Feel very lonely although I meet people through work every day.
At what point do you feel your life has to change.
Thanks

What do you do for a job

JeepJeep · Mar 11, 2022

Aswell Qwell I've mentioned before.

My misus has also mentioned calmzone as another good source of help with positive feedback from patients.

Over and out.

Christoph1945 · Mar 12, 2022

If one is rather prone to depression and suicidal thoughts, it makes good sense to ration one's viewing of all the latest news from Ukraine and also giving the news papers a miss for a while; giving us just enough time, perhaps, to digest what we are reading and seeing and that way we can avoid being swamped by the ensuing sadness of the hour.

Today it will be all the more important for us 'all' to share our thoughts and fears with trusted friends and family and if isolated pick up the phone and talk to one of the many support organisatins that are there solely to support us.

Sometimes, the simplest of things can strike a chord within the hidden memories of our hearts and we are not really sure as to why our emotions are so disturbed. Only the other day I was watching footage of Ukrainian refugees fleeing across the western borders into Poland and Romania and as they reached the safety of helping hands some were given soft toys and teddy bears.

In February we lost our next-door neighbour of over fifty years and we attended her funeral on 22/2/22 to say our last goodbyes. Whils chatting with Muriel's family the subject of Theodor, her friend, came up.

Muriel, a 94 year old widow, had been housebound for quite a few years. Some years ago, whilst chatting with my wife one day, Muriel happened to mention that she had never had a teddy bear and my wife proptly bought her a Teddy for her 73rd birthday and included this message with it.

My name is Theodore, Theo for short, and Muriel I belong to you;
you have waited for me for all these years, so I hope you will love me true.

I'll listen to every heartache; all your tears I will soak them up
and when youre happy still tell me and give me a nice big hug.

I'll always be there for you and we'll be each other's best friend;
so don't let me go or hurt me, I'm your's until life's end.

May God bless us both for ever; may our lives be full of good
cheer and never forget that whatever, you will always find me near.

Theo XX

Stay safe, stay well, and if nobody else will listen talk to Teddy.

Lili · Mar 12, 2022

Christoph1945 said:
If one is rather prone to depression and suicidal thoughts, it makes good sense to ration one's viewing of all the latest news from Ukraine and also giving the news papers a miss for a while; giving us just enough time, perhaps, to digest what we are reading and seeing and that way we can avoid being swamped by the ensuing sadness of the hour.

Today it will be all the more important for us 'all' to share our thoughts and fears with trusted friends and family and if isolated pick up the phone and talk to one of the many support organisatins that are there solely to support us.

Sometimes, the simplest of things can strike a chord within the hidden memories of our hearts and we are not really sure as to why our emotions are so disturbed. Only the other day I was watching footage of Ukrainian refugees fleeing across the western borders into Poland and Romania and as they reached the safety of helping hands some were given soft toys and teddy bears.

In February we lost our next-door neighbour of over fifty years and we attended her funeral on 22/2/22 to say our last goodbyes. Whils chatting with Muriel's family the subject of Theodor, her friend, came up.

Muriel, a 94 year old widow, had been housebound for quite a few years. Some years ago, whilst chatting with my wife one day, Muriel happened to mention that she had never had a teddy bear and my wife proptly bought her a Teddy for her 73rd birthday and included this message with it.

My name is Theodore, Theo for short, and Muriel I belong to you;
you have waited for me for all these years, so I hope you will love me true.

I'll listen to every heartache; all your tears I will soak them up
and when youre happy still tell me and give me a nice big hug.

I'll always be there for you and we'll be each other's best friend;
so don't let me go or hurt me, I'm your's until life's end.

May God bless us both for ever; may our lives be full of good
cheer and never forget that whatever, you will always find me near.

Theo XX

Stay safe, stay well, and if nobody else will listen talk to Teddy.

Teddies for Tragedy/Trauma teddies - given to comfort children suffering from disaster, accident or emergency situations all over the world. Also used by the fire service, police and hospitals in the UK. Knitted by volunteers, (to a very easy pattern using scraps of wool) the only stipulation is that the teddy should have a smiley face.

Christoph1945 · Mar 12, 2022

Did a quick security check on Muriel's house this morning and Muriel's grown up daughter, or son, had placed Theodor on Murials regular arm chair; quite sad really.

Christoph1945 · Mar 21, 2022

Times is tough and life can be hard but as sure as day follows night
our tomorows will be bright.

Bwcho · Mar 22, 2022

ERL said:
I'm sorry you find yourself in this position, and you feel like your family don't notice. Deep down I'm sure they do but might not know how to help. I think it shows how valuable this forum is that you feel that you can express how you are feeling here. There is a programme about depression within farming on BBC Radio Wales at 6.30pm tomorrow evening presented by a neighbour of mine. I've attached a link below.

BBC Radio Wales - How Can I Help?

Hear how hill farmer Alun Elidyr survived severe depression and lived to tell the tale.

www.bbc.co.uk

Diolch yn fawr - I will listen to that. Alun is a farming hero of mine and I'm envious of you having someone who I imagine would be a fantastic neighbour and an all round gent.

Blod · Mar 22, 2022

A common denominator in the conversations I have about family and work relationships on farms is planning for the future. When there's no or poor succession planning it can be disheartening at best and grim at worst.

Succession planning is not simply about writing a Will. It's about having a conversation to make the best of now and the future for all those that will be impacted by the implementation of it.

There is support for succession available in England through The Future Farming Resilience Fund @defrafarming.blog.gov.uk
Not all the approved delivery partners offer it so ask before signing up. If you're in Wales then use the mentor directory on Farming Connect to access people like me for free. It's available for each FC registered member.

Christoph1945 · Mar 24, 2022

Stumbled upon this footage this afternoon and although there is no mention of farming, or depression, I thought that it underscored the message that we are not alone in our situations.

Christoph1945 · Mar 31, 2022

Well, the grim reeper appears to ne drawing ever closer this year! Lost a close, very close, friend at the start of the year, lost our 94 year olf neighbour last month, and am presently getting ready to attend the funeral for the wife of one of my wife's cousins.

That old black dog of depression, who often keeps company with the grim reeper, isn't showing his/her nose around here but of course we may spot him/her stalking others at the funeral.

Texel Tup · Mar 31, 2022

@Christoph1945 ~ the aspect that I find to be the heaviest burden is as I ask "WHEN is this all gong to end" …. the answer may appear to be a bit obvious, but my meaning is, 'When will the sun shine again'.

I need some positives …. we all do, I suspect.

DrWazzock · Mar 31, 2022

It’s just interminably grim. The news in general. The wife with cancer with a poor outlook. She’s struggling mentally. I’m doing my best to keep her positive but it’s difficult. I feel stable albeit at a low level of happiness. It’s just determination to take a day at a time that keeps me plodding on. Far more difficult for my wife who is the one actually going through it but obviously it drains my mental energy coping with it as I feel for her. Covid lurking. Remote isolation. Deep joy, not. The farm keeps me going but I’ve had to cut back to the minimum to allow time for the wife.

holwellcourtfarm · Mar 31, 2022

DrWazzock said:
It’s just interminably grim. The news in general. The wife with cancer with a poor outlook. She’s struggling mentally. I’m doing my best to keep her positive but it’s difficult. I feel stable albeit at a low level of happiness. It’s just determination to take a day at a time that keeps me plodding on. Far more difficult for my wife who is the one actually going through it but obviously it drains my mental energy coping with it as I feel for her. Covid lurking. Remote isolation. Deep joy, not. The farm keeps me going but I’ve had to cut back to the minimum to allow time for the wife.

Do you ever spend time around the farm just taking in nature?

I'm, luckily, not prone to depressive tenancies these days but find when I am feeling the pressure that just wandering around observing nature helps.

DrWazzock · Mar 31, 2022

holwellcourtfarm said:
Do you ever spend time around the farm just taking in nature?

I'm, luckily, not prone to depressive tenancies these days but find when I am feeling the pressure that just wandering around observing nature helps.

Yes it does help. I have a few awkward corners that I’m gradually sowing down to mini enviro schemes. Bird/bee mixes etc. Actually a lot more interesting and relaxing than huge blocks of arable though those big blocks provide satisfaction in other ways - earning a living etc.

Texel Tup · Mar 31, 2022

DrWazzock said:
It’s just interminably grim. The news in general. The wife with cancer with a poor outlook. She’s struggling mentally. I’m doing my best to keep her positive but it’s difficult. I feel stable albeit at a low level of happiness. It’s just determination to take a day at a time that keeps me plodding on. Far more difficult for my wife who is the one actually going through it but obviously it drains my mental energy coping with it as I feel for her. Covid lurking. Remote isolation. Deep joy, not. The farm keeps me going but I’ve had to cut back to the minimum to allow time for the wife.

Doc. you're maintaining a balance and that's vital - you are also managing to keep a step away and to look inside and to reach logical conclusions ……..

OK so you aren't able to resolve anything - there is NOTHING that YOU can do which will reverse your wife's ill-health …. quite how you live with that on a daily basis is beyond me …. full credit to you. As I see it, you are as the juggler who has 5 balls in the air at the same time …. and what ever the difficulties, your management system is working - working well.

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