Dealing with depression - suicidal thoughts - Join the conversation (including helpline details)

Crofter64 · Jan 11, 2021

Kiwi Pete said:
Neatly answered.... they say "insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results" but that's what we're "expected" to do with ourselves.

Stay with that woman/man for life
Stay with that job
Stay in that area
Keep ahold of the family farm/silver

We are nomadic by nature, so we either get real lucky early on....... or we get real unhappy later on?

I’m sure these prescriptions were easier when life expectancy was shorter. With today’s longer life expectancy the future and all its possibilities, which most of us won’t take advantage of for a variety of reasons, yawns ahead of us. I think this is a cause of a lot of stress. The massive amount of unrealised choice out there. My husband is deeply dis-satified with life on the farm( he doesn’t do any of the farming per se, just having the work and busyness around annoys him tremendously). When I ask what he would prefer he gives me all sorts of unrealistic suggestions-basically ‘not this’. So how do you go about finding a solution to ‘ not this’? Today is our 34 th wedding anniversary

teslacoils · Jan 11, 2021

Fake it ‘til you make it said:
Wife suffers from night terrors a lot. Wakes up screaming/ having very lucid and distressing visions. She bought a weighted blanket, which she believes helps. Daughter now has one too have to admit they are very nice! https://www.cosmopolitan.com/uk/worklife/a31927993/weighted-blanket-uk/

Yes, this is me. I keep a dream diary. I think maybe a few of them are posted on here. It's not in any way pleasant. And I can recommend giving up the drink too. Certainly find even a glass of wine before bed dooms me to that "5am moment of absolute clarity" where your brain just lists everything you've done wrong or could go wrong for the next month.

teslacoils · Jan 11, 2021

waterbuffalofarmer said:
Tbh I'm at a similar stage in my life. Great the business is taking off, new grounds... But I've lost that passion I once had for farming tbh. I'm not sure I want to farm anymore really, I'm fed up with endless horrible winters, having to feed animals with forage in sheds and working my fingers yo the bone. I feel ungrateful to my parents as they built up this business, I guess even tho it's not something I wanna do tbh, it's not my passion or dream anymore and perhaps it never was. I wanna do other things in my life, but for now I don't know what really. I'm carrying on with my parents business with them for the foreseeable future because it's actually starting to make money, but I hate the whole shabang. I used to love farming but I really despise it now, I'm fed up to the back teeth of everything and the long hrs, the annoying amounts if stress. There are days I come in, more often than not, I don't wanna clean my room, I don't wanna change my clothes, cook, do anything... Just want to chill out and sleep or play on my pc and talk to my mates, to just get away from everything and forget. Holidays don't really help too much. They only remind me of what I don't have and what I wanna have really. I think once the business works out and we can hire other people then I'm off. I'm done with farming, possibly forever

The difference is that you have realised this early enough to get out before the tendrils of agricultural borrowing get into you "it's only 25 years interest only Mr teslacoils". Eek.

The difference between young and pretty, Vs knackered and gnarled are stark.

For me, it's the utter fear and terror of getting things wrong. Has now led me to do very little. What a wuss. If 20 year old me could see current me he'd walk away shaking his head.

GrannyAching · Jan 11, 2021

Crofter64 said:
When I ask what he would prefer he gives me all sorts of unrealistic suggestions-basically ‘not this’. So how do you go about finding a solution to ‘ not this’? Today is our 34 th wedding anniversary

Do you think that the answer might be having time to sit down and try to break his general "not this" into the specifics? It might be something you can do together but it might need a third party/ies to begin with. It takes quite a commitment to wanting a solution to do this as it so often easier to moan about everything than it is to nail down the specifics. After that, the question is can anything be done about the problem?

DrWazzock · Jan 11, 2021

Getting rid of everything that screws up my plan for the week is certainly helping. Equestrian customers and shooting syndicate gone.
Booze just isn’t worth it for the following extremely low mood that takes a couple of days to get over.
I’m much more risk averse now. If it isn’t simple, needs a lot of outlay up front and success is less than 60% certain or it’s an utter ball ache then I’m not interested. OSR and livestock gone for that reason. I’m much more wary of secondhand machinery after a 2 year run of “I can’t believe that’s happened” major breakdowns. I feel happier now though than I have felt in a long time. Bit more direction, sharper focus, not too many irons in the fire. It needs to be simpler as you get older and easier. It needs to be realistic. It needs to allow for the weekend off.

DrWazzock · Jan 11, 2021

Crofter64 said:
I’m sure these prescriptions were easier when life expectancy was shorter. With today’s longer life expectancy the future and all its possibilities, which most of us won’t take advantage of for a variety of reasons, yawns ahead of us. I think this is a cause of a lot of stress. The massive amount of unrealised choice out there. My husband is deeply dis-satified with life on the farm( he doesn’t do any of the farming per se, just having the work and busyness around annoys him tremendously). When I ask what he would prefer he gives me all sorts of unrealistic suggestions-basically ‘not this’. So how do you go about finding a solution to ‘ not this’? Today is our 34 th wedding anniversary

And how do you feel about all that? I get on alright with my wife but there have been times when I could do no more to help lift her mood or solve her problems and have had to harden my attitude and say as tactfully as possible well you are just going to have to decide that one or pull yourself out of that mess yourself or seek help from others. You can only give and do so much. It was like that with the end of her teaching career. It was killing her mentally but she wouldn’t retire. She knew my views on it and wouldn’t listen. So in the end I just had to say well it’s up to you. I’ve said all that can be said on the matter. Turning the same old same old stuff over and over again doesn’t help. It just wears you down.
I have of course been that person who has moaned and done nothing to change things so I have practical experience of being in that state. It’s takes “self awareness” really to get yourself out that state. See yourself as others see you. Sometimes it ain’t pretty. I am no qualified adviser by the way.

waterbuffalofarmer · Jan 11, 2021

Today has been a pretty tough one tbh. Currently sat here and my mind wants to go blank. Have you ever wanted to just merely exist without thinking, listening to anything or speaking or even moving? I just feel so drained of life right now. It got brought on yesterday by one of my friends who is constantly trying to get into a relationship with me and who I always say no to, as I don't feel that way anymore for him that I used to. But he won't take that no as an answer and last night he went there again messaging me and saying a load of stuff that tbh was pretty sweet and romantic but I feel disgusted and sick at within myself, because I just don't want to go there. I know that women always say *Oh why don't guys like me and blah, blah, blah....* but when someone tells you how they feel and you don't feel the same, you get weirded out and for me it effects me on a deep mental level. I feel like I can't function properly today. My brother said the other week that I am not relationship material because I don't know how to build deeper connections with guys and I struggle getting close to guys at all. I understand this and I accepted it a long while ago, the way I am with guys I even really like. Maybe its because a part of me knows they're not the right ones for me, but also a part of me is fearful. I am a very closed person towards feelings now towards others, I am more of a reserved person than I used to be really. Just wanted to vent this. Currently sat in front of my computer staring into space. I'm hating life, I just want things to be normal, or whatever normal is, I want to hug my mother, but she isn't here. That moment you just feel so vulnerable but at the same time you want to be left alone. Maybe its tiredness too, I don't know anymore. I sent him a text earlier telling him about how i felt and such and how I need him to stop, but I am dreading seeing the reply to it when it comes through, I hate hurting people and I don't like drama. Sorry for the rambling on

spin cycle · Jan 11, 2021

waterbuffalofarmer said:
Today has been a pretty tough one tbh. Currently sat here and my mind wants to go blank. Have you ever wanted to just merely exist without thinking, listening to anything or speaking or even moving? I just feel so drained of life right now. It got brought on yesterday by one of my friends who is constantly trying to get into a relationship with me and who I always say no to, as I don't feel that way anymore for him that I used to. But he won't take that no as an answer and last night he went there again messaging me and saying a load of stuff that tbh was pretty sweet and romantic but I feel disgusted and sick at within myself, because I just don't want to go there. I know that women always say *Oh why don't guys like me and blah, blah, blah....* but when someone tells you how they feel and you don't feel the same, you get weirded out and for me it effects me on a deep mental level. I feel like I can't function properly today. My brother said the other week that I am not relationship material because I don't know how to build deeper connections with guys and I struggle getting close to guys at all. I understand this and I accepted it a long while ago, the way I am with guys I even really like. Maybe its because a part of me knows they're not the right ones for me, but also a part of me is fearful. I am a very closed person towards feelings now towards others, I am more of a reserved person than I used to be really. Just wanted to vent this. Currently sat in front of my computer staring into space. I'm hating life, I just want things to be normal, or whatever normal is, I want to hug my mother, but she isn't here. That moment you just feel so vulnerable but at the same time you want to be left alone. Maybe its tiredness too, I don't know anymore. Sorry for the rambling on

gave you a

likey cos don't what else to do :scratchhead:

...bit like me 'pretty hopeless but means well'

harrow · Jan 11, 2021

waterbuffalofarmer said:
Today has been a pretty tough one tbh. Currently sat here and my mind wants to go blank. Have you ever wanted to just merely exist without thinking, listening to anything or speaking or even moving? I just feel so drained of life right now. It got brought on yesterday by one of my friends who is constantly trying to get into a relationship with me and who I always say no to, as I don't feel that way anymore for him that I used to. But he won't take that no as an answer and last night he went there again messaging me and saying a load of stuff that tbh was pretty sweet and romantic but I feel disgusted and sick at within myself, because I just don't want to go there. I know that women always say *Oh why don't guys like me and blah, blah, blah....* but when someone tells you how they feel and you don't feel the same, you get weirded out and for me it effects me on a deep mental level. I feel like I can't function properly today. My brother said the other week that I am not relationship material because I don't know how to build deeper connections with guys and I struggle getting close to guys at all. I understand this and I accepted it a long while ago, the way I am with guys I even really like. Maybe its because a part of me knows they're not the right ones for me, but also a part of me is fearful. I am a very closed person towards feelings now towards others, I am more of a reserved person than I used to be really. Just wanted to vent this. Currently sat in front of my computer staring into space. I'm hating life, I just want things to be normal, or whatever normal is, I want to hug my mother, but she isn't here. That moment you just feel so vulnerable but at the same time you want to be left alone. Maybe its tiredness too, I don't know anymore. I sent him a text earlier telling him about how i felt and such and how I need him to stop, but I am dreading seeing the reply to it when it comes through, I hate hurting people and I don't like drama. Sorry for the rambling on

No problem vent away and get it off your chest.

Try

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waterbuffalofarmer · Jan 11, 2021

spin cycle said:
gave you a likey cos don't what else to do...bit like me 'pretty hopeless but means well'

Don't say that about yaself dude. Its fine, I don't expect any replies really I just don't know how to process how to feel about anything today. I want to cry and I feel helpless and upset about how I should respond to how somebody feels about me. I feel ungrateful but I feel trapped at the same time

waterbuffalofarmer · Jan 11, 2021

harrow said:
No problem vent away and get it off your chest.

Try

Side by Side | A community platform by Mind

sidebyside.mind.org.uk

its not as good as elefriends used to be

thanks

ollie989898 · Jan 11, 2021

DrWazzock said:
Getting rid of everything that screws up my plan for the week is certainly helping. Equestrian customers and shooting syndicate gone.
Booze just isn’t worth it for the following extremely low mood that takes a couple of days to get over.
I’m much more risk averse now. If it isn’t simple, needs a lot of outlay up front and success is less than 60% certain or it’s an utter ball ache then I’m not interested. OSR and livestock gone for that reason. I’m much more wary of secondhand machinery after a 2 year run of “I can’t believe that’s happened” major breakdowns. I feel happier now though than I have felt in a long time. Bit more direction, sharper focus, not too many irons in the fire. It needs to be simpler as you get older and easier. It needs to be realistic. It needs to allow for the weekend off.

Good man, I can see instantly that you are making progress just from the tone of your posts.

Incidentally, my advice to all and anyone reading this thread is that if you are in any kind of adverse or low mood, avoid alcohol entirely, it will only make you feel worse as it is a depressant.

If you feel in a good mood otherwise but maybe a bit anxious or have a bit of back pain from sitting in a tractor all, a modest dose for one evening may be therapeutic.

Don't get into any kind of pattern where you are drinking repeatedly during the week.

teslacoils · Jan 11, 2021

waterbuffalofarmer said:
Today has been a pretty tough one tbh. Currently sat here and my mind wants to go blank. Have you ever wanted to just merely exist without thinking, listening to anything or speaking or even moving? I just feel so drained of life right now. It got brought on yesterday by one of my friends who is constantly trying to get into a relationship with me and who I always say no to, as I don't feel that way anymore for him that I used to. But he won't take that no as an answer and last night he went there again messaging me and saying a load of stuff that tbh was pretty sweet and romantic but I feel disgusted and sick at within myself, because I just don't want to go there. I know that women always say *Oh why don't guys like me and blah, blah, blah....* but when someone tells you how they feel and you don't feel the same, you get weirded out and for me it effects me on a deep mental level. I feel like I can't function properly today. My brother said the other week that I am not relationship material because I don't know how to build deeper connections with guys and I struggle getting close to guys at all. I understand this and I accepted it a long while ago, the way I am with guys I even really like. Maybe its because a part of me knows they're not the right ones for me, but also a part of me is fearful. I am a very closed person towards feelings now towards others, I am more of a reserved person than I used to be really. Just wanted to vent this. Currently sat in front of my computer staring into space. I'm hating life, I just want things to be normal, or whatever normal is, I want to hug my mother, but she isn't here. That moment you just feel so vulnerable but at the same time you want to be left alone. Maybe its tiredness too, I don't know anymore. I sent him a text earlier telling him about how i felt and such and how I need him to stop, but I am dreading seeing the reply to it when it comes through, I hate hurting people and I don't like drama. Sorry for the rambling on

At least sit in front of the computer and shoot stuff. Join the tff discord and shoot stuff in team fortress. I finished home school, and no my sons and I are "owning noobs" in Fortnite.

My day is less shitty the more folk I headshot with a purple tac shotgun. - that's a computer game before anyone thinks I'm on a rampage.

waterbuffalofarmer · Jan 11, 2021

teslacoils said:
At least sit in front of the computer and shoot stuff. Join the tff discord and shoot stuff in team fortress. I finished home school, and no my sons and I are "owning noobs" in Fortnite.

My day is less shitty the more folk I headshot with a purple tac shotgun. - that's a computer game before anyone thinks I'm on a rampage.

The thing is I looked at my steam games and other games and I couldn't pick a single one to play or gain focus. I feel restless. I went with 2 mates in my discord server to voice chat whilst one was streaming a game and I had to leave before I burst into tears. I just feel so wrong inside and ungrateful for being nasty about someone loving me for who I am. I feel like a nasty ungrateful bitch and I hate myself

ollie989898 · Jan 11, 2021

teslacoils said:
At least sit in front of the computer and shoot stuff. Join the tff discord and shoot stuff in team fortress. I finished home school, and no my sons and I are "owning noobs" in Fortnite.

My day is less shitty the more folk I headshot with a purple tac shotgun. - that's a computer game before anyone thinks I'm on a rampage.

There are loads of us online trying to kill time. Let me know when.

waterbuffalofarmer · Jan 11, 2021

teslacoils said:
At least sit in front of the computer and shoot stuff. Join the tff discord and shoot stuff in team fortress. I finished home school, and no my sons and I are "owning noobs" in Fortnite.

My day is less shitty the more folk I headshot with a purple tac shotgun. - that's a computer game before anyone thinks I'm on a rampage.

Good job tho, go own those noobs

they need their butt's kicked every once in a while. My brother used to manage a pro fortnite player team back in the day, it was really awesome

teslacoils · Jan 11, 2021

waterbuffalofarmer said:
Good job tho, go own those noobs they need their butt's kicked every once in a while. My brother used to manage a pro fortnite player team back in the day, it was really awesome

"Back in the day". Lol. My small child just killed fourteen in a single ranked solos game. He can't use a QWERTY keyboard but apparently I need to stream him on twitch so he can get rich selling "merch".

Weird world when I make no £££ growing food, but regularly get many random blokes (pretty sure they are all blokes) watching me play three hours of lord of the rings on a simulated tabletop. World is mad.

A wise me would be doing it from a beach in Asia rather than a damp lincolnshire.

holwellcourtfarm · Jan 11, 2021

Crofter64 said:
I’m sure these prescriptions were easier when life expectancy was shorter. With today’s longer life expectancy the future and all its possibilities, which most of us won’t take advantage of for a variety of reasons, yawns ahead of us. I think this is a cause of a lot of stress. The massive amount of unrealised choice out there. My husband is deeply dis-satified with life on the farm( he doesn’t do any of the farming per se, just having the work and busyness around annoys him tremendously). When I ask what he would prefer he gives me all sorts of unrealistic suggestions-basically ‘not this’. So how do you go about finding a solution to ‘ not this’? Today is our 34 th wedding anniversary

Sounds like a very difficult one to crack. You clearly gain great succour mentally from being on the farm whereas he appears to hate it. Could it be that living together where you do is just no longer viable? I have known couples who have agreed to live apart but still function as couples for that reason (one not far from here used to live in the farm as he loved the life and his wife lived in their central London flat)? A very hard decision to take if so.

And congratulations on your anniversary (no irony intended).

teslacoils · Jan 11, 2021

Crofter64 said:
I’m sure these prescriptions were easier when life expectancy was shorter. With today’s longer life expectancy the future and all its possibilities, which most of us won’t take advantage of for a variety of reasons, yawns ahead of us. I think this is a cause of a lot of stress. The massive amount of unrealised choice out there. My husband is deeply dis-satified with life on the farm( he doesn’t do any of the farming per se, just having the work and busyness around annoys him tremendously). When I ask what he would prefer he gives me all sorts of unrealistic suggestions-basically ‘not this’. So how do you go about finding a solution to ‘ not this’? Today is our 34 th wedding anniversary

I'm not your husband am I? "Anywhere but here" is my standard response to where I'd rather be. But isn't that part of it too? It's bloody boring being in the same place for so long.

DrWazzock · Jan 11, 2021

waterbuffalofarmer said:
The thing is I looked at my steam games and other games and I couldn't pick a single one to play or gain focus. I feel restless. I went with 2 mates in my discord server to voice chat whilst one was streaming a game and I had to leave before I burst into tears. I just feel so wrong inside and ungrateful for being nasty about someone loving me for who I am. I feel like a nasty ungrateful bitch and I hate myself

Best that your honest gut response comes out than you try to persuade yourself you feel something else. They might well love you but if you don’t love them it’s a non starter and best made clear at the outset.
Put bluntly if I’d told a fair number of people to just feck off out of my yard rather than humoured them it would have saved me a lot of bother, however harsh it might have seemed at the time.

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