Dealing with depression - suicidal thoughts - Join the conversation (including helpline details)

[Christoph1945]

a mill. It smashes who grain to large dust

And what, may I ask, do you do with the large dust and how much large dust do you finish up with?

 

[kiwi pom]

so I moved up here as my wife wanted to go back to her family farm, I had always dreamt of having my own farm and had no idea he would be so ignorant towards change/ hard to work with.
My brother in law left the family farm for a job in the city for the reasons I mentioned, but his parents are convinced it’s nothing to do with them and he would love to come back to the farm.

I was definitely happier working with other farms, and it felt more rewarding. If I left I feel like I would have wasted my only opportunity to get on the farming ladder. But now I’m starting to feel like what’s the point if you don’t enjoy life anymore.

Time for a talk with your wife.
I get that taking on a family farm is perhaps the only chance you have to farm but I think there’s more important things in life.
I’m not a farmer although I’d have loved to be when I was younger.

 

[czechmate]

And what, may I ask, do you do with the large dust and how much large dust do you finish up with?

That machine is a 3.5 tonne batch. We don’t sell half grow animals (like the majority do) we grow them until they are ready for the abattoir. They need cereal to get fat enough and cattle don’t efficiently consume whole cereal - hence the milling. My 3.5 tonne batch is generally for about 5 days, the amount/size of animals I am feeding grain too, alters.
As a complete aside, my son was working for a large pig operation, they were milling a 29 tonne lorry load; every 20 minutes

 

[Christoph1945]

As a complete aside, my son was working for a large pig operation, they were milling a 29 tonne lorry load; every 20 minutes

Bluddy hell!

 

[czechmate]

Bluddy hell!

yes.

Actually, apparently they were the biggest pig farmer in the uk, my son doesn’t work there any more, although a member of that family farms cattle, on my scale, here. We met at a party New Year’s Eve and got to talking about that uk operation… “all the pigs have gone”, he said

 

[Christoph1945]

I can remember the days when pigs ate swill and very nice it would smell!

As a teenager, I helped at a riding school, where they also kept a few big sows and occasionally brought in a boar for breeding purposes. The swill pot was filled up with water and all manner vegatables and even fish heads and stuff. It used to smell a real treat.

Once cooked we tipped the boiler into an old bath and then bucketed the swill down to the troughs. Noisy kritters, those pigs! Well, at feeding times that was.

 

[DefenderDave]

Good morning Dave.

Sorry to read of your present situation and all the stress that it must be inflicting on you and probably on your marriage. What is your wife's take on the situation?

She isn’t happy about the whole situation l, but she can look past more of the issues than I can as it’s her family and she can go to work for half the week and get away from it all.

To be honest it not the money that’s the main issue, it’s the constant arguments and being told everything I do is wrong, it’s just hard to work.

 

[kiwi pom]

She isn’t happy about the whole situation l, but she can look past more of the issues than I can as it’s her family and she can go to work for half the week and get away from it all.

To be honest it not the money that’s the main issue, it’s the constant arguments and being told everything I do is wrong, it’s just hard to work.

Sounds like it's up to you to do something about it.
I don't think things will change much; you can't change people.
Is having your life be a misery worth maybe getting a share (or all) of a farm one day?

 

[Whitewalker]

She isn’t happy about the whole situation l, but she can look past more of the issues than I can as it’s her family and she can go to work for half the week and get away from it all.

To be honest it not the money that’s the main issue, it’s the constant arguments and being told everything I do is wrong, it’s just hard to work.

Damned if you do and damned if you don't. Run away. I can see the farm being left to the son after you both do the work for years.

 

[teslacoils]

Lifes too short to be having a sh!t time. Irrespective of the Mrs, fam etc. Just bail. Modern life just tries to tie you down to too much crap. Grab rucksack and passport and head off for a week. Rome isnt going to burn while you get away for a bit and some perspective.

 

[Christoph1945]

She isn’t happy about the whole situation l, but she can look past more of the issues than I can as it’s her family and she can go to work for half the week and get away from it all.

To be honest it not the money that’s the main issue, it’s the constant arguments and being told everything I do is wrong, it’s just hard to work.

A great many people have a sort of built-in mental block to any suggestion, of any shape or form, and will reject out of hand anything that we may put forward to them; even if it is good and beneficial for them.

Do you have any farming friends, with whom you can chat about your ideas and suggestions that you are thinking will benefit the farm?

Although an idea may be yours, do you think that the parents may be more receptive if they thought that it was their daughter who came up with the idea?

 

[DefenderDave]

A great many people have a sort of built-in mental block to any suggestion, of any shape or form, and will reject out of hand anything that we may put forward to them; even if it is good and beneficial for them.

Do you have any farming friends, with whom you can chat about your ideas and suggestions that you are thinking will benefit the farm?

Although an idea may be yours, do you think that the parents may be more receptive if they thought that it was their daughter who came up with the ideas?

I regularly vent to some friends through text which helps no end, but I’ve no friends here, the entire family is a bit secluded in that way and never goes to any social events etc.

you don’t know how much I miss just going to the pub for laugh with some friends now and again, if I do get a chance to head to my home county it helps no end clear my head.
I used to get back every 6 weeks but it’s getting less and so far I’ve only managed to see my parents and friends once this year.

Doesn’t matter whose idea it is, it’s a bad one as it involves change. I have managed to get a few things changed over the years, but it’s such hard work. If there is something every farm I’ve worked on has done over the years, the response I will get will be “oh well that won’t work here” or “ the way we have done it has always worked fine”

Thank you for everyone’s responses so far, you are really helping. I’d never really considered moving off the farm too much, but that’s seems to be the general consensus on here.

 

[czechmate]

I regularly vent to some friends through text which helps no end, but I’ve no friends here, the entire family is a bit secluded in that way and never goes to any social events etc.

you don’t know how much I miss just going to the pub for laugh with some friends now and again, if I do get a chance to head to my home county it helps no end clear my head.
I used to get back every 6 weeks but it’s getting less and so far I’ve only managed to see my parents and friends once this year.

Doesn’t matter whose idea it is, it’s a bad one as it involves change. I have managed to get a few things changed over the years, but it’s such hard work. If there is something every farm I’ve worked on has done over the years, the response I will get will be “oh well that won’t work here” or “ the way we have done it has always worked fine”

Thank you for everyone’s responses so far, you are really helping. I’d never really considered moving off the farm too much, but that’s seems to be the general consensus on here.

On the one hand…
But beware of knee jerk reactions/ throwing the baby out with the bath water, kind of things

 

[Christoph1945]

Good morning Dave,

nice to read something of an upbeat in your post this morning.

What a silly question, when I asked if you had any farming friends that you could chat with, over the suggestions that you were trying to put forward; there are plenty on TFF, who would love to be able to assist a fellow farmer by lending a listening ear.

Although you and some of your old mates are separated by distance; have you considered using Skype for face-to-face chats? Some years ago my wife and two friends set up regular meetings and rotated around each other's homes. After a whole afternoon of dissecting the latest news, chewing the fat, and putting the whole world to rights they each went back into the day feeling a lot better.

Sadly, lockdown interfered greatly with the above but they then turned to Skype and were back in business, in the blink of an eye. One of the ladies even suggested that because they were a threesome and witches would count that as being enough to make up a coven, they should call themselves 'The Witches' and try as I might I couldn't get them to replace the 'W' with a 'B'.

Chris

 

[DrWazzock]

On the one hand…
But beware of knee jerk reactions/ throwing the baby out with the bath water, kind of things

Indeed. There are always times in any business where folks really could throttle the living daylights out of one another. But you have to look at the average. Best not to make a decision at a low point but let that pass and make a carefully considered decision over time. As it is there’s no real rush. But once the decision is made it will possibly be irreversible so be sure about what you really want.

 

[czechmate]

Indeed. There are always times in any business where folks really could throttle the living daylights out of one another. But you have to look at the average. Best not to make a decision at a low point but let that pass and make a carefully considered decision over time. As it is there’s no real rush. But once the decision is made it will possibly be irreversible so be sure about what you really want.

I would say I want to sell up and quit, circa 50 days per year.
Not the best but not catastrophic… although for 25 of those 50 it does seem that way

 

[Christoph1945]

Indeed. There are always times in any business where folks really could throttle the living daylights out of one another. But you have to look at the average. Best not to make a decision at a low point but let that pass and make a carefully considered decision over time. As it is there’s no real rush. But once the decision is made it will possibly be irreversible so be sure about what you really want.

Ah Ha! The Wisdom of Solomon! You are starting to sound like a marriage guidance counsellor, but certainly good advice, in a multitude of cases and situations.

The Jewish Kabbalists teach that we should never react to situations but rather pause and then respond constructively. As a lifelong reactionary, I learned the hard way.

 

[DrWazzock]

I would say I want to sell up and quit, circa 50 days per year.
Not the best but not catastrophic… although for 25 of those 50 it does seem that way

Ah Ha! The Wisdom of Solomon! You are starting to sound like a marriage guidance counsellor, but certainly good advice, in a multitude of cases and situations.

The Jewish Kabbalists teach that we should never react to situations but rather pause and then respond constructively. As a lifelong reactionary, I learned the hard way.

Same here and so did I.

 

[teslacoils]

you don’t know how much I miss just going to the pub for laugh with some friends now and again, if I do get a chance to head to my home county it helps no end clear my head.
I used to get back every 6 weeks but it’s getting less and so far I’ve only managed to see my parents and friends once this year.

Why can't you just go to the pub?

I reiterate the "grab a bag and have a weekend away". See you mates. Drop in on the parents. FFS it's only a farm and it won't break without you....

 

[holwellcourtfarm]

Drop in on the parents. FFS it's only a farm and it won't break without you....

And what if it does?

It can only help point out what's obvious to you.