diary of a comedy sheep farm

[carbonfibre farmer]

They look an even litter from that angle. Feeding must be right.

It's the peas @primmiemoo

 

[spin cycle]

4am....resisting the temptation to go up to the lambing shed (K will do early check) and questioning if i'm really 'cut out' emotionally for the 'lambing rollercoaster'......i feel it can go from the 'best job in the world to the worst' and back again in hours?....given my fragile mental health and the other strains i have what am i doing?.....take yesterday morning .....thank feck we're inside cos with the rain lashing down it was still grim enough...a run of singles overnight but at least they're strong lambs that won;t take a lot of attention....the ewe hogg pen was also grim....prior we've had one slip....another found dead in it's sack and i pulled a dead one that morning (which was the second like that).....swearing/fed up i find myself beating myself looking for answers

then the rain stops....the sun comes out....i scrape the yard that cheers me slightly and i notice a ewe thats got a harness on AND been unwell trying to lamb...i fear the worst.......harness off i help her ....two near death lambs are retrieved and got going.....i don't think she'll be able to rear them but thats not the point......at least i've not had to lift the lid of the wheelie bin...i cheer up slightly.....i've latterly realised that as we've cut back our little flock has aged and my paranoia about anything that goes wrong is fed...fast forward about 12 hours and a hurdler has a set of lively twins....then she promptly has another set and suddenly (with my poorly ewe) we have a clutch of orphans ......ok so orphans can be a pain but my morale lifts...my paranoia perhaps a little unfounded?

another 4 hours we're having a little friends/family soiree in the holiday let for cinders 18th which is today....the yorkies come along and ,would you believe it, mrs yorkie has a lucas key in her purse....'wherever we go to sales him's always looking to start summat' she rolls her eyes laughing.....i borrow it .......everybody mixing really well i sneak out for a rollie.....the faintest of sounds on the air and i'm minded to look at hogg section....there she is...new mum vigorously licking 'a live one'.......the relief that perhaps i'm not that incompetent as i thought more important than anything else

the 'big match'......talking to the cat....he and his son will catch the 8;25 train cromer to norwich fearing they won't get a good table at the pre match pub.....what a contrast in lifestyles....both of us could think of nothing worse than spending our saturday as the other

right time for little sleep before we get 'underway again'........mind i've a trifle to get out of the freezer first

 

[wrenbird]

It’s been four years since we’ve had any sheep lambing, and although it was always stressful, especially in a year with weather like this I still miss it.
All the small triumphs and little disasters that make up the “lambing rollercoaster” as you aptly word it Mr.Spin.
I hope for more sun on our faces and on the backs of our livestock very soon, that will help us all feel better about our world I think.

 

[AftonShepherd]

You numpty....I thought you were using some sort of reverse psychology

I won't show carbonfibre canary

If it was reverse psychology it's working well so far ....

 

[spin cycle]

If it was reverse psychology it's working well so far ....

money we'll spent

 

[spin cycle]

'maccers'...6th set of consecutive twins

 

[Lodekka]

4am....resisting the temptation to go up to the lambing shed (K will do early check) and questioning if i'm really 'cut out' emotionally for the 'lambing rollercoaster'......i feel it can go from the 'best job in the world to the worst' and back again in hours?....given my fragile mental health and the other strains i have what am i doing?.....take yesterday morning .....thank feck we're inside cos with the rain lashing down it was still grim enough...a run of singles overnight but at least they're strong lambs that won;t take a lot of attention....the ewe hogg pen was also grim....prior we've had one slip....another found dead in it's sack and i pulled a dead one that morning (which was the second like that).....swearing/fed up i find myself beating myself looking for answers

then the rain stops....the sun comes out....i scrape the yard that cheers me slightly and i notice a ewe thats got a harness on AND been unwell trying to lamb...i fear the worst.......harness off i help her ....two near death lambs are retrieved and got going.....i don't think she'll be able to rear them but thats not the point......at least i've not had to lift the lid of the wheelie bin...i cheer up slightly.....i've latterly realised that as we've cut back our little flock has aged and my paranoia about anything that goes wrong is fed...fast forward about 12 hours and a hurdler has a set of lively twins....then she promptly has another set and suddenly (with my poorly ewe) we have a clutch of orphans ......ok so orphans can be a pain but my morale lifts...my paranoia perhaps a little unfounded?

another 4 hours we're having a little friends/family soiree in the holiday let for cinders 18th which is today....the yorkies come along and ,would you believe it, mrs yorkie has a lucas key in her purse....'wherever we go to sales him's always looking to start summat' she rolls her eyes laughing.....i borrow it .......everybody mixing really well i sneak out for a rollie.....the faintest of sounds on the air and i'm minded to look at hogg section....there she is...new mum vigorously licking 'a live one'.......the relief that perhaps i'm not that incompetent as i thought more important than anything else

the 'big match'......talking to the cat....he and his son will catch the 8;25 train cromer to norwich fearing they won't get a good table at the pre match pub.....what a contrast in lifestyles....both of us could think of nothing worse than spending our saturday as the other

right time for little sleep before we get 'underway again'........mind i've a trifle to get out of the freezer first

Happy 18th to Cinders - milestone birthday...

 

[carbonfibre farmer]

Hopefully a good entry today....
Father and I have provided much,much merriment for our diary scribe this morning

 

[primmiemoo]

Happy 18th to Cinders - milestone birthday...

Already!?!?

 

[primmiemoo]

>whispers and tiptoes< hope cinders had a brilliant birthday . onwards and upwards, young lady!

 

[spin cycle]

The Hokey Cokey method: How to make flocks lamb only by day - Farmers Weekly

Sheep farmers can look forward to a stress-free lambing in future after a groundbreaking study revealed how to make sheep only give birth in the daytime.

www.fwi.co.uk

This one!

i don't care if it was a prank ...i'm trying it for next year.....most of my fekkers lambed twixt 11:30 and 6am when twas my turn on night checks .....that said we're two thirds done and things have chipped up......including our disastrous start the live lambs ratio has just gone past 150% and we're even getting live lambs outta the hoggs......though they're throwing rat size twins instead of decent single....we're over the 'hump' but i've found it a hard slog that i've not enjoyed TBH....even to the extent of pondering whether it's my last lambing....even with fat lambs at £150 it's still hard work.....christ knows how the 'proper lads/lasses' do it.....so friday/saturday was one last effort....the midland feed nut bag was shrinking but so is our usage as lambs sold....outfits turned out.....didn't fancy buying another bag so decided to divert after mart to charlie's for a tub of peas....i've a little barley left + i've found a possible barley remnant on another farm.....plan was stuff one of my black tubs in back of berli (they bend slightly unlike an ibc...then partition at front of trailer for pallet then hoggs for mart.......at the farm 6am saturday and pulled a fekkin great single then off to mart...having a good ponder on the way....item 1....despite the higher prices i'm no better off cos i (like many others probably) have less to sell....granted i've kept fair few ewe hoggs back but even so the lower lambing % and cutting the flock back to make way for greeny options to offset bps loss means i've not really cashed in....item 2...i'm always coming up with ,admittedly quite good dodgy plans, but seem hapless in executing them.....is a 'good plan poorly executed' better than a 'bad plan well executed'....then i got distracted by a lady jogger with big boobs and my musings were over

Hopefully a good entry today....
Father and I have provided much,much merriment for our diary scribe this morning

left mart about 7:45 (note that tis about hour and a bit from home to mart).........i'm getting close to charlie's (tis about 20 miles)......but you can see their 'ponderosa' quite some way off ,even before the endless access lane, in the flat open landscape.....reminds me of 'the little house on the praire' .......so there i am 'negotiating' the lane that actually is in quite good nick.....couple of hundred yards ahead another car that,turns out, is 'old strapping lad' (charlie snr)....'strapping young lad' himself is rolling peas.....into the yard i pull....reverse up then i need to unhitch trailer to get black tub out of berli....bearing in mind i'm 'zombie like' i don't really take on board osl's chat about pea drilling....syl arrives.....my eye catches three wheels on syl's flat trailer.....12.5 6 stud..i need one a those so i move to investigate...in hindsight was it 'happy coincidence' or syl's 'cunning trap'....if it was it didn't go completely to plan for just then the three of us (myself...syl....osl) are transported back in time to steptoe& son (you can work out who is who)

customer wanders over to trailer 'ooh i need one of these...are they for sale'
harrold...'ooh i dunno...i've just got them in an online auction...i suppose ,as a mate you could have one?'
albert....'ere..they were a bargain wern't they? £75 for the three?'
harrold (exacerbated ).....'you silly ole man....you just told him how much i bought em for'
customer....laughing.....a fair price set and a wheel added to the 'shopping list'

back in the now osl declares he's off pea drilling wanders over to the tractor/loader/big bag peas....i wander back to berli to extract tub....'syl exclaims 'for god sake move...he WILL hit you'.....taken aback slightly i move the berli....get tub out and roll it towards the store....spilling the merest of mere remnants from the tub on the way... my eye catches sight of a sieve by the door that i think nowt more of.......now syl has a new set of ' chinesium crane scales' that ,to me, he shows an enthusiasm bordering on ocd in using.....each bag of peas now has a ticket inside....a bag weighing 416.47kg is selected.....so i've got peas and a wheel so far but syl must feel he's got a 'live one'.....'want any barley?' he says......'how?' says i 'i've only one tub?'......'easy... you can borrow pea bag....i reckon i can get that in front of stock box.....then barley in tub behind'......TBF sounded a decent idea....i'd have enough grub then to finish season in one visit.....the bag went on almost to the front then i thought pallet...tub on pallet...tractor bucket barley tipped into...calculate....oh no...out came some straps and the tub suspended via the crane scales in slightly precarious fashion ...then it's filled by hand bucket....turns out weighing things is a 'family hobby'.....osl weighs a lot of part bags of seed/fert......moving on... 470kg of barley later the tub is lowered onto the pallet and i watch syl wrestle the straps out thinking 'thats the kinda thing i normally do'....back to 'good plan poorly executed'.....so the pallet is offered up to trailer but won't quite go on to allow the gates to shut...the bag needs pushing forward,,,,second attempt after trailer wheels chocked....it moves and the load is secured.....i retire to berli for a rollie but something shiny in the peas i spilt catches my eye....'an 11mm spanner?.....how the feck did that get there?' thinks i.....syl wanders over....'you know dad will sweep all those up and sieve them clean' he says pointing at the sieve by the grain store door.....in a hint of wickedness i bury the 11mm spanner back in the peas when syl retires knowing the 'whoop' of delight from a certain 'yard prospector' will a/ be heard in possibly thetford and b/ the tale of it's discovery be recounted several times to syl himself

i'm a bad person

 

[carbonfibre farmer]

i don't care if it was a prank ...i'm trying it for next year.....most of my fekkers lambed twixt 11:30 and 6am when twas my turn on night checks .....that said we're two thirds done and things have chipped up......including our disastrous start the live lambs ratio has just gone past 150% and we're even getting live lambs outta the hoggs......though they're throwing rat size twins instead of decent single....we're over the 'hump' but i've found it a hard slog that i've not enjoyed TBH....even to the extent of pondering whether it's my last lambing....even with fat lambs at £150 it's still hard work.....christ knows how the 'proper lads/lasses' do it.....so friday/saturday was one last effort....the midland feed nut bag was shrinking but so is our usage as lambs sold....outfits turned out.....didn't fancy buying another bag so decided to divert after mart to charlie's for a tub of peas....i've a little barley left + i've found a possible barley remnant on another farm.....plan was stuff one of my black tubs in back of berli (they bend slightly unlike an ibc...then partition at front of trailer for pallet then hoggs for mart.......at the farm 6am saturday and pulled a fekkin great single then off to mart...having a good ponder on the way....item 1....despite the higher prices i'm no better off cos i (like many others probably) have less to sell....granted i've kept fair few ewe hoggs back but even so the lower lambing % and cutting the flock back to make way for greeny options to offset bps loss means i've not really cashed in....item 2...i'm always coming up with ,admittedly quite good dodgy plans, but seem hapless in executing them.....is a 'good plan poorly executed' better than a 'bad plan well executed'....then i got distracted by a lady jogger with big boobs and my musings were over




left mart about 7:45 (note that tis about hour and a bit from home to mart).........i'm getting close to charlie's (tis about 20 miles)......but you can see their 'ponderosa' quite some way off ,even before the endless access lane, in the flat open landscape.....reminds me of 'the little house on the praire' .......so there i am 'negotiating' the lane that actually is in quite good nick.....couple of hundred yards ahead another car that,turns out, is 'old strapping lad' (charlie snr)....'strapping young lad' himself is rolling peas.....into the yard i pull....reverse up then i need to unhitch trailer to get black tub out of berli....bearing in mind i'm 'zombie like' i don't really take on board osl's chat about pea drilling....syl arrives.....my eye catches three wheels on syl's flat trailer.....12.5 6 stud..i need one a those so i move to investigate...in hindsight was it 'happy coincidence' or syl's 'cunning trap'....if it was it didn't go completely to plan for just then the three of us (myself...syl....osl) are transported back in time to steptoe& son (you can work out who is who)

customer wanders over to trailer 'ooh i need one of these...are they for sale'
harrold...'ooh i dunno...i've just got them in an online auction...i suppose ,as a mate you could have one?'
albert....'ere..they were a bargain wern't they? £75 for the three?'
harrold (exacerbated ).....'you silly ole man....you just told him how much i bought em for'
customer....laughing.....a fair price set and a wheel added to the 'shopping list'

back in the now osl declares he's off pea drilling wanders over to the tractor/loader/big bag peas....i wander back to berli to extract tub....'syl exclaims 'for god sake move...he WILL hit you'.....taken aback slightly i move the berli....get tub out and roll it towards the store....spilling the merest of mere remnants from the tub on the way... my eye catches sight of a sieve by the door that i think nowt more of.......now syl has a new set of ' chinesium crane scales' that ,to me, he shows an enthusiasm bordering on ocd in using.....each bag of peas now has a ticket inside....a bag weighing 416.47kg is selected.....so i've got peas and a wheel so far but syl must feel he's got a 'live one'.....'want any barley?' he says......'how?' says i 'i've only one tub?'......'easy... you can borrow pea bag....i reckon i can get that in front of stock box.....then barley in tub behind'......TBF sounded a decent idea....i'd have enough grub then to finish season in one visit.....the bag went on almost to the front then i thought pallet...tub on pallet...tractor bucket barley tipped into...calculate....oh no...out came some straps and the tub suspended via the crane scales in slightly precarious fashion ...then it's filled by hand bucket....turns out weighing things is a 'family hobby'.....osl weighs a lot of part bags of seed/fert......moving on... 470kg of barley later the tub is lowered onto the pallet and i watch syl wrestle the straps out thinking 'thats the kinda thing i normally do'....back to 'good plan poorly executed'.....so the pallet is offered up to trailer but won't quite go on to allow the gates to shut...the bag needs pushing forward,,,,second attempt after trailer wheels chocked....it moves and the load is secured.....i retire to berli for a rollie but something shiny in the peas i spilt catches my eye....'an 11mm spanner?.....how the feck did that get there?' thinks i.....syl wanders over....'you know dad will sweep all those up and sieve them clean' he says pointing at the sieve by the grain store door.....in a hint of wickedness i bury the 11mm spanner back in the peas when syl retires knowing the 'whoop' of delight from a certain 'yard prospector' will a/ be heard in possibly thetford and b/ the tale of it's discovery be recounted several times to syl himself

i'm a bad person

I'm crying with laughter

 

[carbonfibre farmer]

i don't care if it was a prank ...i'm trying it for next year.....most of my fekkers lambed twixt 11:30 and 6am when twas my turn on night checks .....that said we're two thirds done and things have chipped up......including our disastrous start the live lambs ratio has just gone past 150% and we're even getting live lambs outta the hoggs......though they're throwing rat size twins instead of decent single....we're over the 'hump' but i've found it a hard slog that i've not enjoyed TBH....even to the extent of pondering whether it's my last lambing....even with fat lambs at £150 it's still hard work.....christ knows how the 'proper lads/lasses' do it.....so friday/saturday was one last effort....the midland feed nut bag was shrinking but so is our usage as lambs sold....outfits turned out.....didn't fancy buying another bag so decided to divert after mart to charlie's for a tub of peas....i've a little barley left + i've found a possible barley remnant on another farm.....plan was stuff one of my black tubs in back of berli (they bend slightly unlike an ibc...then partition at front of trailer for pallet then hoggs for mart.......at the farm 6am saturday and pulled a fekkin great single then off to mart...having a good ponder on the way....item 1....despite the higher prices i'm no better off cos i (like many others probably) have less to sell....granted i've kept fair few ewe hoggs back but even so the lower lambing % and cutting the flock back to make way for greeny options to offset bps loss means i've not really cashed in....item 2...i'm always coming up with ,admittedly quite good dodgy plans, but seem hapless in executing them.....is a 'good plan poorly executed' better than a 'bad plan well executed'....then i got distracted by a lady jogger with big boobs and my musings were over




left mart about 7:45 (note that tis about hour and a bit from home to mart).........i'm getting close to charlie's (tis about 20 miles)......but you can see their 'ponderosa' quite some way off ,even before the endless access lane, in the flat open landscape.....reminds me of 'the little house on the praire' .......so there i am 'negotiating' the lane that actually is in quite good nick.....couple of hundred yards ahead another car that,turns out, is 'old strapping lad' (charlie snr)....'strapping young lad' himself is rolling peas.....into the yard i pull....reverse up then i need to unhitch trailer to get black tub out of berli....bearing in mind i'm 'zombie like' i don't really take on board osl's chat about pea drilling....syl arrives.....my eye catches three wheels on syl's flat trailer.....12.5 6 stud..i need one a those so i move to investigate...in hindsight was it 'happy coincidence' or syl's 'cunning trap'....if it was it didn't go completely to plan for just then the three of us (myself...syl....osl) are transported back in time to steptoe& son (you can work out who is who)

customer wanders over to trailer 'ooh i need one of these...are they for sale'
harrold...'ooh i dunno...i've just got them in an online auction...i suppose ,as a mate you could have one?'
albert....'ere..they were a bargain wern't they? £75 for the three?'
harrold (exacerbated ).....'you silly ole man....you just told him how much i bought em for'
customer....laughing.....a fair price set and a wheel added to the 'shopping list'

back in the now osl declares he's off pea drilling wanders over to the tractor/loader/big bag peas....i wander back to berli to extract tub....'syl exclaims 'for god sake move...he WILL hit you'.....taken aback slightly i move the berli....get tub out and roll it towards the store....spilling the merest of mere remnants from the tub on the way... my eye catches sight of a sieve by the door that i think nowt more of.......now syl has a new set of ' chinesium crane scales' that ,to me, he shows an enthusiasm bordering on ocd in using.....each bag of peas now has a ticket inside....a bag weighing 416.47kg is selected.....so i've got peas and a wheel so far but syl must feel he's got a 'live one'.....'want any barley?' he says......'how?' says i 'i've only one tub?'......'easy... you can borrow pea bag....i reckon i can get that in front of stock box.....then barley in tub behind'......TBF sounded a decent idea....i'd have enough grub then to finish season in one visit.....the bag went on almost to the front then i thought pallet...tub on pallet...tractor bucket barley tipped into...calculate....oh no...out came some straps and the tub suspended via the crane scales in slightly precarious fashion ...then it's filled by hand bucket....turns out weighing things is a 'family hobby'.....osl weighs a lot of part bags of seed/fert......moving on... 470kg of barley later the tub is lowered onto the pallet and i watch syl wrestle the straps out thinking 'thats the kinda thing i normally do'....back to 'good plan poorly executed'.....so the pallet is offered up to trailer but won't quite go on to allow the gates to shut...the bag needs pushing forward,,,,second attempt after trailer wheels chocked....it moves and the load is secured.....i retire to berli for a rollie but something shiny in the peas i spilt catches my eye....'an 11mm spanner?.....how the feck did that get there?' thinks i.....syl wanders over....'you know dad will sweep all those up and sieve them clean' he says pointing at the sieve by the grain store door.....in a hint of wickedness i bury the 11mm spanner back in the peas when syl retires knowing the 'whoop' of delight from a certain 'yard prospector' will a/ be heard in possibly thetford and b/ the tale of it's discovery be recounted several times to syl himself

i'm a bad person

The spanners not been mentioned once.
He thinks I spilt the peas ffs he doesn't know "good ol boy" spinneys stockman tendencies for "that'll do"

At the wrestling the straps part, it wasn't easy because we were laughing so hard

OSL doesn't weight bags, he guesstimates......though not now as I end up weighing the bloody things

Steptoe and son was brilliant analogy I think that about sums us up

Hopefully an hr at ours brightened you up a bit

 

[primmiemoo]

I can picture the whole thing!

 

[Flat 10]

I can picture the whole thing!

Yes me too.

 

[robbie]

The spanners not been mentioned once.
He thinks I spilt the peas ffs he doesn't know "good ol boy" spinneys stockman tendencies for "that'll do"

At the wrestling the straps part, it wasn't easy because we were laughing so hard

OSL doesn't weight bags, he guesstimates......though not now as I end up weighing the bloody things

Steptoe and son was brilliant analogy I think that about sums us up

Hopefully an hr at ours brightened you up a bit

I reckon he's keeping the spanner secret until next month's BBRO day then he can announce it to one and all!!!! Spanner in one hand hoe in the other.

 

[carbonfibre farmer]

I reckon he's keeping the spanner secret until next month's BBRO day then he can announce it to one and all!!!! Spanner in one hand hoe in the other.

You know him too well

@adzy will have the pleasure of planting spuds with him sometime soon (well probably June when we get round to it)

 

[adzy]

You know him too well

@adzy will have the pleasure of planting spuds with him sometime soon (well probably June when we get round to it)

I'll remember to bring some old rubbish over on the day so he can have a rummage through

 

[spin cycle]

monday

had a run of 4 'off colour' ewes all with twins....great ........had my weekly session with the mechanic....walked in....picked up copy of 'therapy today'....rolled it up and asked if she could sellotape it up....mark it 'james halloween' and place it near her calendar.....'why?' she said.....i replied 'the monday at the end of this october ask me if i'm going to turn the rams in with the ewes...if i say 'yes' take the rolled up magazine and beat me to an inch of my life'

tuesday

fekkin weather and we're lambing inside....bitta of a lull....i nipped off to put admiral's prescription in then on to look at a 'smallholder auction' tomorrow....some sweet little seedbed cultivators but a/i can't be arsed and b/ the holes in my boots as my feet got wet told me perhaps i should 'invest elsewhere'.....i'd bought them couple of years ago when we were just starting the house because i was chainsawing up beams and the steel toecaps.....i'm all about the h&s me

talking of chainsaws here's a little 'saga'.....for 30 years we had a very reliable 'husky' but eventually she gave out....i bought a stihl from yomb and it's been the biggest pile of rubbish ever.....so much so i now call it the 'stoohl'

anyway it played up cutting beams so i texted a tree surgeon m8 and he lent me another stoohl.....cept that b'strd wouldn't work either....in frustration i went to screwfix and bought a titan electric that has been really good and survived my ' vigorous product testing' of late

our own stoohl had been back to yomb twice with only temporary success.......so when nev was over helping me change the oil on the cs i asked if he could look at the pair of them.....he wasted no time.....he rang me...'what mix you using?...it's bit smokey'.....i knew what he meant...fekkin thing 'made smoke' better than a ww1 destroyer.....even then it only ran for 10 minutes...mind you after 8 minutes you couldn't see what you were doing for smoke anyway so it didn't matter.....anyhoo i replied 'stoohl' recommend 25/1 unless using their own brand which is 50/1.....nev googled and concurred....complimenting me on my knowledge.....that's that over for another year.....meanwhile the borrowed stoohl had a long list of faults but nev fixed them all.....i was delighted thinking i could hand it back in much better order......he dropped them both round and i put the borrowed behind the berli but boot was locked so i 'filed for later'.....i promptly got distracted...forgot,, and ,returning to the berli , popped it in reverse and ran over said stoohl breaking the handle

not sure how i'm gonna play that one now

 

[spin cycle]

The spanners not been mentioned once.
He thinks I spilt the peas ffs he doesn't know "good ol boy" spinneys stockman tendencies for "that'll do"

At the wrestling the straps part, it wasn't easy because we were laughing so hard

OSL doesn't weight bags, he guesstimates......though not now as I end up weighing the bloody things

Steptoe and son was brilliant analogy I think that about sums us up

Hopefully an hr at ours brightened you up a bit

You know him too well

@adzy will have the pleasure of planting spuds with him sometime soon (well probably June when we get round to it)

'FARMER WHO' and 'THE FARM THAT TIME FORGOT'

friday afternoon...feet up it's a toss up.....rerun binge of juliet bravo or clean out the berli .....it's alright having a 'berli tardis' but it doesn't matter how much junk you throw in the back it never fills up and you can never find anything......the number of hammers i've bought over the years...but can i find one......i'm interrupted....the 'intergalactic fax machine' from the 'time masters'......'ffs' think i 'why can't they just text instead of communicating like it's 1983'....i get up....rip off the msg and read 'strange goings on in breckland earth...investigate please....co ordinates follow'.....i sigh 'for heaven sake 'breckland earth' ....of course it's strange going on....the whole fekkin place isn't right....what now?......ppl running round naked amongst gorse bushes wearing animal masks?....i keep telling them....thats 'normal for norfolk' but 'oh no' will they listen.....besides why can't they send that 'doctor'.....bloomin b'strd.....police box that can materialise wherever it likes....but it's me gets the gig....fekkin 100 mile round trip in the berli only to find the locals romping about 'in the nip'...i suppose i could divert after mart.......lets see.....looks like 45 mins from mart....hour on site....hour and a half home.....leave mart 7:45 ?....i should be home just in time for 'homes under the hammer' at 11am

saturday comes...i'm off...it all goes according to plan until i'm nearly at the co'ordinates ...near a pit hole on a lunar type lane and the old 'temporal disturbance mointor' goes haywire....'ah' thinks i 'nothing new...i mean for a start it's french electronics and secondly i spilt a costa vanilla latte t'other day...thats probably it'......i approach the steading....'' oh god if there's a lad in a rocking chair playing a banjo...i'm off...i'm not going thru that...again' ....however the 'natives' are friendly.....if a touch 'eccentric'.....the younger seems to fashioning some kinda 'shrine' out of cage wheels whilst the older,sieve in hand, seems prospecting thru the yard dust....occasionally whooping with delight with a 'find'....a very shiney 11mm spanner hangs like a medallion.....i give them the old 'i'm a sheep farmer looking for feed grains' cover story that satisfies them.....again the loading weighing is eccentric but nowt that odd....somehow i'm sold a wheel....'ah i'll chuck it berli ...plenty of room'.....i depart....'fekkin wild goose chase' i start to say but then the monitor goes again....same place.....then signal's gone....'meh' thinks i.......arriving home..it'll be tight but....i switch on the telly....'WTF....closing credits...i'll never know how much that 2 bed semi in Dudley made'....checking the clock its 'NOON'......an hour lost......'bloomin great...i'm gonna miss 'football focus' now writing this lot up'

REPORT....standard time bubble anomaly discovered at co ordinates....time distortion of slowing time 100% whilst inside that is compensated 2 to 1 once outside.....no ongoing problem....natives friendly but quaint' END REPORT.....ps any further news on my request for a netflix subscription?