When is enough, enough ?

[Landrover]

Feeling pretty down about work at the moment, partner in a family farm alongside parents (70s) and sibling (48) I'm 41 very shortly and have a wife and 2 kids under 8, I seem to be working more and more every year for what seems like less return (sure everyone feels the same !) The business is asset rich but cash poor and I feel with upcoming uncertainty due to Brexit and other family issues, I feel going in the future is going to be difficult, i have a good relationship with my parents and and up until a couple of years ago a good relationship with sibling, though recently it has become VERY strained. We are very different people and want different things out of life for our respective families, I don't want to be like my parents and have worked all their lives and now don't have much to show for it, due to always putting the business first. My wife says I would be better if I was away from them but completely understands that I have a loyalty to my parents and would feel like I was massively letting them down if I left ! If I left it would mean selling up to pay me out so that would be the end of another family farm around this area (not many left) Basically what I'm asking is has anyone done this and regretted it or not regretted it ? I would like to sort it out before we are forced to sort it out by a parents passing/major fall out with sibling. Sorry for the length of post and thanks in advance

 

[spin cycle]

don't apologise and don't think you're alone in having this problem

 

[andrew830]

Dont be afraid to do something else,we have had several farmers get out around here and they all say its the best thing they have done,most say they miss odd days like turnout in the spring but it soon wares off.
They have all gone on to different jobs one is a plumber and another was a PCSO until he retired.

 

[Beowulf]

Emotions have no place in business. If it isn't working, and it seems from your post that it isn't on a number of levels, then pull the plug and enjoy the rest of your life.

The only finite resource in your life is time, and wasting year after year flogging a dead horse will never bring you happiness. The happiness of you, your wife and the children should always come first.

Don't be one of those miserable old farmers who get to retirement age and realises he's divorced, his kids hate him and every day is still filled with fighting the same monotonous battles he was fighting 25 years ago as part of a dysfunctional family farming partnership.

*Disclaimer: I'm a brutal, almost medieval barsteward who will never sacrifice the happiness of my wife and children in order to make anyone else happy. Not everyone is as ruthless as I am.

 

[Yale]

May I assume livestock but not dairying.

The last year between dry conditions,forage shortages and lacklustre stock prices it has not been the most inspiring.

 

[Rowland]

Unfortunately and it’s no help to you it’s a familiar tail with the details differing from family to family.
I’m sorry you are having a hard time and life is difficult for you. Have you thought about buying the business for your self instead of leaving. Possibly letting your parents live on the farm somewhere if that’s possible.

 

[happycows]

Agree don’t apologise.
Bit different but I had a meltdown last year.
Like I’d got where I wanted to be and when I got there wasn’t all it was cracked up to be.
Beast from the east and shortage of food for ever more mouths took its toll to start.
Working on your own and dealing with the pressure of seasonal calving, which didn’t start so well due to lack of iodine (changed bolus) and weak calves that kept scouring tipped me over the edge.
Talking and support from those around and scaling back by getting rids of all the youngstock has eased work and feed pressures.
All this has too start with talking and deciding what’s important and what you and those around you think and want.
I was ready to throw the towel in. I was talked out of it and glad they did, because I’ve got lovely little setup but just needed a reality check on what was achievable acres and lifestyle wise.

 

[ollie989898]

Feeling pretty down about work at the moment, partner in a family farm alongside parents (70s) and sibling (48) I'm 41 very shortly and have a wife and 2 kids under 8, I seem to be working more and more every year for what seems like less return (sure everyone feels the same !) The business is asset rich but cash poor and I feel with upcoming uncertainty due to Brexit and other family issues, I feel going in the future is going to be difficult, i have a good relationship with my parents and and up until a couple of years ago a good relationship with sibling, though recently it has become VERY strained. We are very different people and want different things out of life for our respective families, I don't want to be like my parents and have worked all their lives and now don't have much to show for it, due to always putting the business first. My wife says I would be better if I was away from them but completely understands that I have a loyalty to my parents and would feel like I was massively letting them down if I left ! If I left it would mean selling up to pay me out so that would be the end of another family farm around this area (not many left) Basically what I'm asking is has anyone done this and regretted it or not regretted it ? I would like to sort it out before we are forced to sort it out by a parents passing/major fall out with sibling. Sorry for the length of post and thanks in advance

I think a lot of families go through this at some point but perhaps personal pride or similar keeps them from talking to friends or others about it.

Can you organise a friendly and constructive sit-down of the lot of you, partners as well, and talk it over? Clear the air?

I am all for having your parents work in their older age as I believe it actually does them good, but working yourself into the deck at the expense of all else helps no one.

Telling folk how you feel is not a sign of weakness or letting anyone down, it's being honest. If they don't like it or don't accept it and fly off the handle or turn nasty you already have your answer.

 

[Steevo]

This is an example of how the lack of profitability in farming is really causing big issues for farming families etc.

It’s no wonder farming has a high proportion of mental health issues.

 

[spin cycle]

i'd like to pack in....20 years ago when farm assurance came in i promised myself i'd quit at 55...now that birthday is this year...i don't know if/when i will....but other aspects of my life are good so do i want to rock the boat?...it takes a burst of energy to change...energy i don't have and will the grass be any greener?

isn't also the case that other ppls problems seem easily fixable compared to our own

 

[Beowulf]

i'd like to pack in....20 years ago when farm assurance came in i promised myself i'd quit at 55...now that birthday is this year...i don't know if/when i will....but other aspects of my life are good so do i want to rock the boat?...it takes a burst of energy to change...energy i don't have and will the grass be any greener?

isn't also the case that other ppls problems seem easily fixable compared to our own

Are you an owner occupier? If so, sell it and enjoy retirement.

Mrs Beowulf and I have an agreement that we'll both retire in 9 years or so and enjoy the fruits of our labours.

Partly because our parents have all either passed away or had significant health problems in their early to mid 50s, but also because we don't want to waste the best years of our lives labouring for something we don't need.

Admittedly we're very lucky to be in the financial position we are, but if you are in any position to do the same then do it and don't regret it.

We're all a long time dead.

 

[spin cycle]

Are you an owner occupier? If so, sell it and enjoy retirement.

Mrs Beowulf and I have an agreement that we'll both retire in 9 years or so and enjoy the fruits of our labours.

Partly because our parents have all either passed away or had significant health problems in their early to mid 50s, but also because we don't want to waste the best years of our lives labouring for something we don't need.

Admittedly we're very lucky to be in the financial position we are, but if you are in any position to do the same then do it and don't regret it.

We're all a long time dead.

i am owner occupier but in partnership with 78 yr old mum....i wouldn't want to sell and fritter the money on bourgeois pursuits in any case

 

[Kevtherev]

Farming families are notoriously difficult and sometimes strained relationships.
See it so often.

 

[TheTallGuy]

I can't speak for your specific situation, but 7 years ago I was working in engineering - basically doing what I had always wanted & pretty near the top of my game. As I approached my 35th birthday a series of events occurred such that on my birthday itself & I broke down in tears at 3am sitting alone in yet another faceless hotel room & wondered what I had been doing for the last 17 years, because whatever it was hadn't resulted in a pot of gold & happy smiles. There were times when I worked stupid amounts of hours & then spent several hours an night thinking projects through etc. for no discernable benefit for myself. Within days I handed in my notice & decided that I would take a year out to refresh myself (fortunately in position where that was possible) & decide what really mattered & what the way forward should be. After 18 months I had decided that going back to engineering wasn't right for me & that I would get a job that "paid the bills" & use income from some land I had as the top-up funds for holidays & the like. The work I do does have its moments of stress & frustration, but my responsibilities end the moment I walk out of the door & that's something that I really appreciate. When I am not at work it's rare for me to even think about it let alone worry about what might be about to go wrong.

My advice is to discuss your current state of mind & feelings with your family - maybe see if there's some way that you could have a sabbatical to allow you to think things through without the daily pressures; or they may be amenable to some sort of arrangement that would either take the pressure off you or allow you to pursue other employment without having to sell up.

The most important thing is not to loose sight of what's important - living the best possible life you can with with your loved ones because every moment is precious.

 

[Greythundercloudys]

It's all Wright saying just back it in, but once you rock that boat that's it, l bet everyone feels like that once and awhile, l think you will all way have that feeling inside you let your parents down, probably if you did it when you were 21 it would be different, l had a great chance when l was 17 to drive a Moxy on an open cast, l kinda wish l had just done it, but l didn't want to let my mum&dad down, so l just worked on the farm for peanuts instead of 500 a week , that was thirty years ago. So still at the farm but sometimes wish l had done it, mum &dad are both away now but l alway think l made them happy by keeping the farm going and that makes me feel good, good but poor.

 

[Beowulf]

i am owner occupier but in partnership with 78 yr old mum....i wouldn't want to sell and fritter the money on bourgeois pursuits in any case

Fair play. Personally I want to enjoy what I've worked for, and whilst I'm not exactly short of toys or enjoyment now, I won't work myself into an early grave in the pursuit of more riches that I won't enjoy if my health takes a turn for the worse.

Everyone's situation is different though.

 

[kiwi pom]

This isn't directed at the OP just a general observation from a non farmer but why don't farming families sit down and sort this stuff out earlier, or at least when the parents reach retiring age?
Parents above retiring age guilt tripping their children into staying at home, while not letting them do anything, is total bolcks in my opinion.

 

[TheTallGuy]

This isn't directed at the OP just a general observation from a non farmer but why don't farming families sit down and sort this stuff out earlier, or at least when the parents reach retiring age?
Parents above retiring age guilt tripping their children into staying at home, while not letting them do anything, is total bolcks in my opinion.

The trouble is that as the kids grow up & the oldies tend to "drift" into retirement rather than it being a conscious decision or a defined point in time. The problems of tomorrow are rarely thought about because there's always tomorrow to deal with them - until suddenly there isn't & the problems are suddenly here & now problems.

 

[Beowulf]

Parents above retiring age guilt tripping their children into staying at home, while not letting them do anything, is total bolcks in my opinion.

This is why I have such an aversion to large inheritances. There are inevitably strings attached, be they legal or emotional, and that's an unhealthy situation for all parties concerned. It stifles the natural creativity and innovation of those with any entrepreneurial skills, and leaves them basking in the shadow of the previous generation until it's too late to flex their creative muscle.

Farming dynasties are no different to the landed gentry, in that they all fail in time because the feckless nature of the incumbents is eventually exposed.

 

[kiwi pom]

@Landrover If you leave what will you do?
In my opinion you need to do what's best for you, your wife and children, not your parents or your sibling.
Its a big world and you only get one go at it. If you're bored or just had enough of one thing, there's absolutely nothing wrong with moving on.