Dealing with depression - suicidal thoughts - Join the conversation (including helpline details)

Dangerous Dan · Aug 15, 2018

OK, so people have been saying not to bottle things up and my first mental health person says that in bad times you need to converse with people! Am I the only one who doesn't feel any better after conversing? I can talk to anyone about mental health if they ask the right questions but don't feel it makes anything any better. My grandad died Sunday just gone, not looking for sympathy, just a fact, but I feel absolutely nothing about it. Feel bad for me mam as she is absolutely bereft that her dad has passed away. Is the no feelings thing "normal" because it is for me. What worries me more is that I'm thinking suicide and death just for fun, alongside running the business and the children all the other things that milking time has to offer. Nothing is going to come of it, I can 90% guarantee that, but it strikes me as funny that no one at work or family(other than my wonderful wife) know just how my mind is racing. It's like my little secret.

Actually I sound more and more weird with every sentence that's written down.

Anyone up for a brew looking at a gate post??

Christoph1945 · Aug 15, 2018

Trader.........a cup o' tea, and a chat can be more valuable than gold and can sometimes be a life saver. A listening ear can often sooth the storms of inner turmoil and help rescue those drowning in inner fears that have grown beyond all proportions.

Once, whilst beach combing in North Wales, I spotted a man from a distance and thought that his body language looked as though he wasn't 'perhaps' too well. He had a big old dog with him that looked as though it was in it's last days; not ill just old.

Upon arriving close to the man I asked if he was ok and that I thought that perhaps he wasn't well. He asked about my digital camera and I demonstrated it, asking for permission to take a photograph of him and his dog together.

No cup of tea to share but we did talk for some time and I learned that he had a son who was a submariner and he himself had worked in demolition. He also had a son who had committed suicide following a broken relationship. I did try to track John down so that I could give him a framed photograph of him and his dog together but by the time I had done so both he and his dog had passed away.

Sadly, now no more than a memory, like ships that passed in the night.

Christoph1945 · Aug 15, 2018

Dan...............between me you and the gatepost; we are all pretty much the same on the inside but some are better at hiding it than others.

Kiwi Pete · Aug 15, 2018

You aren't alone.
I have never found that talking about it has helped me, but often helps the other party enough that the positivity comes from that!

Conversation and the feeling of connection with someone or some thing has always pulled me through, and there have been some very dark days in the past.

I think they have all gone, but I never let my guard down, for I don't want to return to that place.

Bear101 · Aug 15, 2018

Dangerous Dan said:
OK, so people have been saying not to bottle things up and my first mental health person says that in bad times you need to converse with people! Am I the only one who doesn't feel any better after conversing? I can talk to anyone about mental health if they ask the right questions but don't feel it makes anything any better. My grandad died Sunday just gone, not looking for sympathy, just a fact, but I feel absolutely nothing about it. Feel bad for me mam as she is absolutely bereft that her dad has passed away. Is the no feelings thing "normal" because it is for me. What worries me more is that I'm thinking suicide and death just for fun, alongside running the business and the children all the other things that milking time has to offer. Nothing is going to come of it, I can 90% guarantee that, but it strikes me as funny that no one at work or family(other than my wonderful wife) know just how my mind is racing. It's like my little secret.

Actually I sound more and more weird with every sentence that's written down.

Anyone up for a brew looking at a gate post??

Sorry to hear about your grandad. I felt nothing when my grandparents passed away, then I felt guilty about not feeling anything. I never get excited about anything any more, look forward to things but it's always muted. At best things are ok but never great. At it's worst I've thought a lot about ending it. But it feels like some kind of fantasy almost. Hard to tell if I really want to do it at that moment, or is it a cry for help. Ive talked to a pro about this and I find it helps for a while. Your not alone.

primmiemoo · Aug 15, 2018

Hi @Dangerous Dan , my condolences to you and your family.

From what you write about you feelings since your grandad died, I felt exactly the same when my grandpa died.
Blank and neutral. And felt rubbish for feeling that nothingness. Then the racing thoughts began.

Sometimes it takes time to adjust to just the information that someone has gone - let alone begin the process of evaluating that loss. A fortnight is a very short length of time.

Here, have a cyberbrew from here - there's something in the standard English Cuppa that can help to bring turmoil to order [:cuppa emoji]

With all best wishes.

Amazing the graining and texture on gateposts, isn't it?

Dangerous Dan · Aug 15, 2018

Bear101 said:
Sorry to hear about your grandad. I felt nothing when my grandparents passed away, then I felt guilty about not feeling anything. I never get excited about anything any more, look forward to things but it's always muted. At best things are ok but never great. At it's worst I've thought a lot about ending it. But it feels like some kind of fantasy almost. Hard to tell if I really want to do it at that moment, or is it a cry for help. Ive talked to a pro about this and I find it helps for a while. Your not alone.

I actually feel the very same. All emotions are tempered. I know. I feel nervous/worried about the children but generally don't "feel" anything anymore. Do you take any medication or see anyone regularly?

Dangerous Dan · Aug 15, 2018

primmiemoo said:
Hi @Dangerous Dan , my condolences to you and your family.

From what you write about you feelings since your grandad died, I felt exactly the same when my grandpa died.
Blank and neutral. And felt rubbish for feeling that nothingness. Then the racing thoughts began.

Sometimes it takes time to adjust to just the information that someone has gone - let alone begin the process of evaluating that loss. A fortnight is a very short length of time.

Here, have a cyberbrew from here - there's something in the standard English Cuppa that can help to bring turmoil to order [:cuppa emoji]

With all best wishes.

Amazing the graining and texture on gateposts, isn't it?

Hi @primmiemoo, thanks for the sentiment. Unfortunately these "feelings" have been around for a long time. I'm not sure if it's just the way the family rocks (my mam was crying and wondering why no one else in the family was. Just not how we roll) or depression or that it hasn't hit home yet?

Bury the Trash · Aug 15, 2018

Forage Trader said:
Finacial problems are pushing some to the edge like we have never seen, well I certainly have not

Yes, it is a bit like there is much more to win or lose these days.
Just got to remember that farms, land etc are actually 'material' possessions and its people who are important and can't be replaced..

If others (nearest and dearest (or the right professionals even ) know what you are thinking /feeling like they might just be able to help and particularly at certain critical times.

Bear101 · Aug 15, 2018

Dangerous Dan said:
I actually feel the very same. All emotions are tempered. I know. I feel nervous/worried about the children but generally don't "feel" anything anymore. Do you take any medication or see anyone regularly?

I don't take medication. I've seen my GP couple times. He thought depression but it's probably dysthymia (high functioning depression). I've been living like this for years. I'll be ok for weeks (month's sometimes) then I get low. I'm always fatigued, sociallising is very difficult, I can't concentrate, feel ill ( sore throat etc). But it passes, sort of. Until next time. In the meantime I go on working, not really achieving anything of note, not really moving my life forward. I don't feel excited, ambitious, just grey. You have to speak to a professional about this to get to the root cause of the problem. Pills can help. But make sure you keep talking.

primmiemoo · Aug 15, 2018

Dangerous Dan said:
Hi @primmiemoo, thanks for the sentiment. Unfortunately these "feelings" have been around for a long time. I'm not sure if it's just the way the family rocks (my mam was crying and wondering why no one else in the family was. Just not how we roll) or depression or that it hasn't hit home yet?

If you're not ready to cry, it's as "simple" as that.
It took me around a year to cry about Grandpa. I remember him fondly now - and appreciate everything he tried to do for Mum, my sibling, and me when Dad was very ill and after Dad died.
Grief and mourning don't have timetables or schedules, from what I've experienced and observed. Family members vary greatly in their reactions, too, ime.

As you're already feeling low, maybe you're slowing reactions down in order to process the event, and self heal?
There'll be things to see to, people to support, and people who support you, however tacit they are, or you are for that matter.

A hand on a shoulder, or a hug is communication, too.

Funny old things, families [:grin]

fiat 9090 · Aug 17, 2018

Bear101 said:
I don't take medication. I've seen my GP couple times. He thought depression but it's probably dysthymia (high functioning depression). I've been living like this for years. I'll be ok for weeks (month's sometimes) then I get low. I'm always fatigued, sociallising is very difficult, I can't concentrate, feel ill ( sore throat etc). But it passes, sort of. Until next time. In the meantime I go on working, not really achieving anything of note, not really moving my life forward. I don't feel excited, ambitious, just grey. You have to speak to a professional about this to get to the root cause of the problem. Pills can help. But make sure you keep talking.

I have dysthymia as well and u have described it in a nutshell. The fatigue is so hard

Bear101 · Aug 17, 2018

The fatigue really upsets me. I used to cycle, swim, played rugby many years ago. Now I don't want to do anything. At it's worst walking up stairs seems like a big job. And yet, the fitness seems to be there. when I'm doing a job I'm ok until I stop and then my brain seems to tell me "your knackered", [emoji19].

Bear101 · Aug 17, 2018

Good way to save money though! I've not botherd buying loads of stuff because I want to go and sit down somewhere on my own rather than stand in shop buying s**t I don't need [emoji848]

Christoph1945 · Aug 17, 2018

When did it first start and have you noticed any triggers that set it off?

fiat 9090 · Aug 17, 2018

Bear101 said:
The fatigue really upsets me. I used to cycle, swim, played rugby many years ago. Now I don't want to do anything. At it's worst walking up stairs seems like a big job. And yet, the fitness seems to be there. when I'm doing a job I'm ok until I stop and then my brain seems to tell me "your knackered", [emoji19].[/QUOT I get tired doing feck all but if I get real busy for a short while I seem to get more energy and yes when u stop then as you put it your brain tells u your knackered , I always think I’m goin to have more energy tomorrow

Bear101 · Aug 17, 2018

Christoph1945 said:
When did it first start and have you noticed any triggers that set it off?

Not sure. Probably started losing confidence and drifting away from people 10/15 years ago. But it's been a slow gradual change so it took a while to realise. About 3/4 years ago I started feeling incredibly tired. I've always been introverted and a little bit of a loner, but I had friends and would socialize a fair amount. But now I can't stand being in a group or even talking to anyone for any length of time. It's exhausting. Probably worse for them[emoji848]. Never mind. Today has been better than yesterday [emoji846].

fiat 9090 · Aug 17, 2018

Bear101 said:
The fatigue really upsets me. I used to cycle, swim, played rugby many years ago. Now I don't want to do anything. At it's worst walking up stairs seems like a big job. And yet, the fitness seems to be there. when I'm doing a job I'm ok until I stop and then my brain seems to tell me "your knackered",

.

Bear101 said:
Good way to save money though! I've not botherd buying loads of stuff because I want to go and sit down somewhere on my own rather than stand in shop buying s**t I don't need [emoji848]

if I could only get rid of the fatigue I would be able to manage my depression , do you find stressful moments and confrontation or even an argument accelerate s the fatigue a lot , I’m a farmer and a contractor and I’m finding the low energy very frustrating and when I get v tired I get very irritated

fiat 9090 · Aug 17, 2018

If anybody here would have any advice on how to manage fatigue it would be appreciated , I can manage the depression ,I got a heart attack two years ago and damaged my heart and that leaves me tired so any advice please

Dangerous Dan · Aug 17, 2018

I have fatigue as well. Not sure how or where it started but it's irritating. Have to have a lie down every afternoon else i can't do anything sensible. Can't even string a sentence together at its worst.

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