My husband killed himself while I slept - Continue the discussion about mental health

Derrick Hughes · Aug 20, 2018

This all seems to be about mental health issues .
But they can't be all put down to that surly
I would worry that someone people in desprate need are being overlooked
If I'm wrong then please say

Timmy_45 · Aug 20, 2018

Problem is it's easy to say get help, but getting help itself can also cause problems or make people think it might cause problems. So for example if you go and see your GP about depression, is that going to mean when you come to renew your shotgun certificate it's declined. Also in terms of getting health insurance/life insurance even travel insurance, again having a depression consultation/medication on your GP record can cause real problems. I think that's one reason people are very reluctant to seek help at all.

joe soapy · Aug 20, 2018

Forage Trader said:
This all seems to be about mental health issues .
But they can't be all put down to that surly
I would worry that someone people in desprate need are being overlooked
If I'm wrong then please say

was sort of involved on the fringe at one time. often after digging a bit, those in who thought they were in dire straights were actually quite wealthy.
obviously not all, but a significant number

Derrick Hughes · Aug 20, 2018

joe soapy said:
was sort of involved on the fringe at one time. often after digging a bit, those in who thought they were in dire straights were actually quite wealthy.
obviously not all, but a significant number

I have seen some who don't feel they have anywhere to go . Hungry cows shame of failure and nothing left in the kitty

And fellow farmers can be cruel at times, how many times to you see written on here ."it's their own fault"

willy · Aug 20, 2018

The problem with ‘the black dog’ is when it strikes you don’t want to talk or open up to people...I just like burying my head in the sand until it’s passed. Drugs sort of work but basically numbs emotions which long term doesn’t help.

I think everyone at sometime has it or will have it to a degree. It’s such a ball ache to deal with as everyone is different.

joe soapy · Aug 20, 2018

i have always believed that reps should be trained in spotting the signs as a front line reporting service.
often the signs can be spotted by an irregular visitor if shown what to look for and who to tell

Timmy_45 · Aug 20, 2018

Forage Trader said:
I have seen some who don't feel they have anywhere to go . Hungry cows shame of failure and nothing left in the kitty

And fellow farmers can be cruel at times, how many times to you see written on here ."it's their own fault"

Farmers love to gossip and can be positively gleeful about others misfortunes.

chaffcutter · Aug 20, 2018

@Timmy_45 you're right that any hint of depression can cause problems in other areas, I have a long standing heart fibrullation for which I was prescribed a low dose of an anti depressant almost 20 years ago, and have been taking it ever since as the docs say its doing some good. But when I changed the private health cover to a new company, I had a job explaining why I was taking them, but wasn't being treated for depression. They wrote to my gp practice eventually and accepted their view, but I'm still not sure that they haven't loaded the premium anyway.

Derrick Hughes · Aug 20, 2018

Timmy_45 said:
Farmers love to gossip and can be positively gleeful about others misfortunes.

Never forget overhearing some farmers talking about me . "Never be the man his father was"
We all try our best that's all you can do

JD-Kid · Aug 20, 2018

joe soapy said:
i have always believed that reps should be trained in spotting the signs as a front line reporting service.
often the signs can be spotted by an irregular visitor if shown what to look for and who to tell

at times people do see. past the cracks mostly people. hide it very well
I come out about my depression did not know what was wrong with me had blood tests and tried all kinds of things
it was not until I was talking to a Dr and he did some tests and. said I had major depression
hid it for years each day putting a smiley mask on each day
every ones story is different and the reasons they have got to that place are all different
long term stress can lead to PTSD I tick alot of boxes for that
yes I have had. some dark days and still have some
alot of people I have spoken to open up and say they too have had probs. some have seeked help others. are scared to talk one of the first steps is to put your hand up and say I'm not copeing and need help a few can't believe I have probs as they always see me as a clown happy outgoing guy not knowing the person behind the mask
I have a good mate thats a vet I trust him and told him. he got on to. rural support group for me
it's ok to reach out for help and no shame to be open

dt995 · Aug 20, 2018

Kiwi Pete said:
While suicide may provide some semblance of peace for the person who takes their own life, it is the hardest thing to bear for those left behind, small wonder depression festers in families... the chicken and the egg?

This point I feel is well illustrated:

http://s01.geekpic.net/di-OOJT9U.png

Also:

https://www.theguardian.com/comment...lled-himself-suicide-cause-death-men-under-45

joe soapy · Aug 20, 2018

well done JD, the cops cured me, they been here 30 odd times in the last 30 months.
Awaiting 2 visits now about seperate things, and the chief constables office sent email saying they was going to phone after 12 today.
sods, i bet they is waiting for me to start me dinner and then call whilst its hot. i have to yet work out how people have such exquisite timing with their phone calls.
i beat the b,,,,, today though, i had dinner early

glasshouse · Aug 20, 2018

Forage Trader said:
Never forget overhearing some farmers talking about me . "Never be the man his father was"
We all try our best that's all you can do

A lot of farmers are class 1 A holes

DrWazzock · Aug 20, 2018

In all honesty there just isn't enough money in the job at my level and probably quite a few other folks level.

We carry on while we get some enjoyment out of the job and because we don't want to be the ones that let it go.

We farm on a wing and prayer, on a shoestring, but every major breakdown, bad weather event or other misfortune pushes us a bit closer to not being able to make ends meet. People say oh you will be alright, you can fix it, weather the storm or whatever but sometimes it becomes mathematically and humanly impossible or a Herculean task to meet these expectations and kind of weighs you down. Machinery breakdowns accumulate for me, and roller coaster grain prices make marketing difficult, livestock folk have feed and bedding costs. We all seem to be falling behind the costs imposed by outside professionals for services and such like. Even a trip to the dentist blows my budget.

I will pack up this job if we have to start borrowing from the bank (that's even if they would lend us anything). If, after all these years of work and investment, our cash flow is drying up long term, then we just aren't on the right track. I am kind of glad and relieved to acknowledge this, as this is the fundamental root of a lot of my problems which no amount of drugs, counselling, reaching out, holidays or whatever can solve.

Its not all doom and gloom. We can carry on for the time being. But lets sometimes acknowledge that a complete change of direction can sometimes be a positive rather than a negative move. You cant live working at 110% of your capability for very long. That's what's killing some folk. They have nothing more they can give. They are burnt out. Treat them with kindness.

Wellytrack · Aug 20, 2018

The mind is such a powerful thing. It can be your support to rely upon or your very best constant 24hr a day enemy.

The problem imo with depression is it’s such a hard thing to actually express to another person using words.
What is the end of the world for one depressive person is not the same for the other.

Depression is such a sweeping blanket term it’s almost insulting within itself to be simply labelled as ‘Depressed’.

In much the same way as ‘functioning Alcoholics’ there is millions upon millions of ‘functioning depressed’ - just how depressed, and just how functioning that’s an almost impossible thing to gauge.

The good news is people can be cured. The bad news is some will have to manage it and be extremely careful.

In the words of Jerry Springer: “Take care of yourself... and each other”

Brisel · Aug 20, 2018

Wellytrack said:
To me that’s existentialism, and in a way it’s an illusion. The illusion that we can control all matters by our will alone. Some we certainly and absolutely can, and some we simply cannot.

It’s because of this perception BS nonsense like cosmic ordering exists.

Existentialism is the total belief that humans control everything - that's not what I said. It's not what happens but how you deal with it and @glasshouse correctly said it was how you deal with the hand you are given.

Sadly, there's too much of the emotional baggage that goes with a family farm to be handed onto the next generation. Derrick's comment is a perfect example of why it is harder to make a choice to change;

Forage Trader said:
Never forget overhearing some farmers talking about me . "Never be the man his father was"
We all try our best that's all you can do

You are not your father and he is not you. The circumstances are different each time & memories are selective.

Timmy_45 · Aug 20, 2018

glasshouse said:
A lot of farmers are class 1 A holes

Yep. And not just to strangers, it's hard to think of many farming families where someone hasn't stopped talking to someone else over something. The next thing you know brothers haven't been speaking for 20 years because one said it was the other ones turn to do the milking.

Clive · Aug 20, 2018

I often wonder about the old saying that money doesn't buy happiness and agree it can't and money / material things certainly are never as important as health, family, love etc

however wealth buys choices that can make people happy, it buys time away from work for example and time is very valuable

Financial returns from farming are tight and have been for sometime, its a hard way to make a living so is that the root cause for agricultures terrible suicide rate etc ?

Timmy_45 · Aug 20, 2018

Clive said:
I often wonder about the old saying that money doesn't buy happiness and agree it can't and money / material things certainly are never as important as health, family, love etc

however wealth buys choices that can make people happy, it buys time away from work for example and time is very valuable

Financial returns from farming are tight and have been for sometime, its a hard way to make a living so is that the root cause for agricultures terrible suicide rate etc ?

Asset Rich, Cash Poor in a nutshell.

I'm loaded on paper yet permanently in overdraft and always feel like I'm one month/slipup from going bankrupt. The never ending stress of that is grinding/tiring.

Yes we could sell up and go and live in a town. But the kids are used to/love living on a farm, and I want to hand it on, and also my wife loves it.

It's also that many farmers feel they are looking after the farm for the next generation, selling up seems a huge failure/betrayal of future generations.

It's the same thing as people who have lived in certain parts of London for decades and find themselves paper millionaires even though they dive a bus or work as a postie. Why don't they just sell up and move miles away to be rich?

Clive · Aug 20, 2018

Timmy_45 said:
Asset Rich, Cash Poor in a nutshell.

I'm loaded on paper yet permanently in overdraft and always feel like I'm one month/slipup from going bankrupt. The never ending stress of that is grinding/tiring.

?

A situation that will be very familiar to many farmers and is hard to cope with mentally - when you could make a single decision and be financially secure for life and take all those worries away in a stroke .......................but doing so you feel you have let down others (parents who made sacrifice to put you in that situation or or children whose future as a farmer depends upon you etc)

My husband killed himself while I slept - Continue the discussion about mental health

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