Dealing with depression - suicidal thoughts - Join the conversation (including helpline details)

ollie989898 said:

I believe talking therapy has a place. But there are two provisions- you have to 'want' to do it, and you have to genuinely have time to do it. It's a date and a time every week or month which is reserved solely for you and that becomes quite a powerful thing for a lot of people I believe. It's a precious hour or two where you are able to sit down and talk about whatever you want. There is no pre-set agenda or the need to make 'progress'. It is also pretty cheap even if you want to do it privately (a real deal psychiatrist would be a lot more but still not ridiculous).

I do wonder if a day or two off farm or maybe even working for someone else might be useful for people here. I am blessed in that I am able to chop and change shifts in different places so I can get a change of scene as often as I like. A day away from your own farm might be useful and encourage the return of the 'fun factor' in farming?

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the thought of paying for therapy gives me anxiety

farmerm said:

the thought of paying for therapy gives me anxiety

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It's not hundreds of pounds an hour. It's like £50. Most people would spend more than that in a pub of an evening. Most GP surgeries can put you in touch with a private counsellor.

ollie989898 said:

It's not hundreds of pounds an hour. It's like £50. Most people would spend more than that in a pub of an evening. Most GP surgeries can put you in touch with a private counsellor.

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Unfortunately I know, and agree.

ollie989898 said:

It's not hundreds of pounds an hour. It's like £50. Most people would spend more than that in a pub of an evening. Most GP surgeries can put you in touch with a private counsellor.

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£50! I was sweeting at the idea of it at £40 Most people spending "more than that in a pub of an evening" may go quite a way to explain why our economy is in trouble and debts are so large.....

But it does sound like well deserved pampering to have one's own braincare specialist, doesn't it?

farmerm said:

the thought of paying for therapy gives me anxiety

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ollie989898 said:

I believe talking therapy has a place. But there are two provisions- you have to 'want' to do it, and you have to genuinely have time to do it. It's a date and a time every week or month which is reserved solely for you and that becomes quite a powerful thing for a lot of people I believe. It's a precious hour or two where you are able to sit down and talk about whatever you want. There is no pre-set agenda or the need to make 'progress'. It is also pretty cheap even if you want to do it privately (a real deal psychiatrist would be a lot more but still not ridiculous).

I do wonder if a day or two off farm or maybe even working for someone else might be useful for people here. I am blessed in that I am able to chop and change shifts in different places so I can get a change of scene as often as I like. A day away from your own farm might be useful and encourage the return of the 'fun factor' in farming?

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I have done talking therapy, and it does have its place, more than anything it was good to speak to someone who has no connection to you and has no connection to agriculture ! The person I saw helped me simply talk about my worries and what makes me me basically if that makes any sense !

I miss the pub for that reason. Therapy just by talking with neighbours. Covid, less neighbours etc has almost snuffed out that option. But I might give it another try.

Nothing compares with getting off the bloody farm for a bit.

DrWazzock said:

I miss the pub for that reason. Therapy just by talking with neighbours. Covid, less neighbours etc has almost snuffed out that option. But I might give it another try.

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hmm, never been the biggest fan of pubs, almost seem to be full of depressed people drowning their sorrows

teslacoils said:

Nothing compares with getting off the bloody farm for a bit.

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Thats why me and the wife used to save all year to have a nice holiday in February half term with the kids, it was something to look forward to during the winter and provided a bit of heat and sunshine at a otherwise miserable time of year, not been away since COVID and are really looking forward to hopefully going away next year !

DrWazzock said:

I miss the pub for that reason. Therapy just by talking with neighbours. Covid, less neighbours etc has almost snuffed out that option. But I might give it another try.

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Look fir a hobby that includes lots of people . I play over 50/60s walking football, which is great fun, met lots of new friends and re kindled friendships with chaps I used to play with years ago. We have a pint after playing and travel to play other teams . A lot of us are planning on joining the bowls club soon as well. There really no excuses for doing nothing . A heard on radio there’s local man shed clubs as well, that get blokes together that like making things and would be right up your street I’d have thought .

jerseycowsman said:

I’m a worrier, certainly never had suicidal thoughts though, but just wanted to see how other people deal with it.
I’ll wake at 3 am, and start thinking about how dry it is and how I’m going to grow enough grass, or I’ll worry about the tb test next week on the youngstock and how we are going to get them in without them escaping etc. it’s never really the finances I worry about, more the

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DrWazzock said:

It’s difficult, especially as the mornings get lighter. What I’ve tried to do is say to myself “well, there’s not a lot I can do about it while I’m lying in bed so I might as well forget it till I get up.”
I also keep a pen and paper or diary next to my bed to write stuff down that might occur to me while I’m in bed. I write it down so that i won’t forget about it, and so I can put it out of my mind till morning.and not spend the rest of the night churning it over or worrying about forgetting to do it.
The other thing is that things seem a lot worse in the early hours than they actually are. It’s a trick the brain plays on us. I’ve got to the stage of telling my “brain” “well, you can eff off and stop that nonsense right now” when it’s doing it’s best to disturb me with some maladjusted thought and pointless thought process.

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Yes, it never seems as bad when I’ve been up for a while and done some work and thought it through in a rational way!

jerseycowsman said:

Yes, it never seems as bad when I’ve been up for a while and done some work and thought it through in a rational way!

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The sleeping brain is not a rational brain.

teslacoils said:

So, for many years I have kept a dream diary. But it also doubles as a worry list. When I wake up with something on my mind, firstly I check im still alive. Dont laugh. If youve watched the Welsh BBC series Hidden you might have seen the girl on their counting and touching things which is known as the 54321 grounding technique. See 5 things. Touch 4 things. Hear 3 things. Smell 2 things. Taste 1 thing. Then if I can still remember what I was worrying about, I write it down. Then go back to sleep. When I wake up, I can look over it. If its fixable, I try and get it fixed that day. It its something a bit less likely (I often worry that the grain in my sheds is melting -so far it never has) I can show myself that really it was just my brain getting practise for difficult situations. Its good to occasiaonlly think like this. Its bad to be doing it every night and is probably a symptom of a current high-pressure time of year. If its every night for a prolongued period of time, then you need to find a coping technique.

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It is most nights, but mainly spring anc summer when calving is on and we’ve got to produce enough silage to get through winter. I can relax in winter much more, especially on wet days when I don’t feel pressure to be outside doing something.
I guess a lot of it stemmed from when dad died when I was 24 and I’ve had responsibility for the farm since then

When the poop really hits the fan and your day feels like you are moving through thick treacle, in the dark, who (or what) is alongside side of you sharing the load?

Is there, today, anyone or anything that you are grateful for the presence of?

With my wife being disabled, with poor mobility, I get to do all the washing these days; under direction and instruction of course! Last month, whilst taking advantage of a good drying day I cast my mind back 72 years and remembered mother's wash day for a household of eight and one on the way and I suddenly appreciated washing for only two adults, piping hot water, an automatic washing machine, and a rotary washing line,

teslacoils said:

…….. . Resolve to be more decisive. …….. . I'm 42.

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"I will be different …." Yeah, righto like the New year's resolutions - it simply doesn't happen. I find that for me, promising myself 'change' is a waste of time. I mostly find that if I look back - a year, a month and sometimes even a week and find that there's a realisation.

@Christoph1945 ~ I'm with you in that we take so much for granted, and we do it is if we have rights too! Back in the 1970s when I was just married, we had a neighbour with five children and his wife told me that she washed nappies every single day, not a day off and for 4 years! It took a while for me to come round to wanting children!

Again when I was married, during cold weather and when we lived in an isolated cottage, despite there being a wood burning Rayburn on tick-over, first thing in the mornings, there was still ice on the insides of the window …. it's just how life was. Could I go back to those days now? …. I suppose that I could but I'd rather not!

Texel Tup said:

@Christoph1945 ~ I'm with you in that we take so much for granted, and we do it is if we have rights too! Back in the 1970s when I was just married, we had a neighbour with five children and his wife told me that she washed nappies every single day, not a day off and for 4 years! It took a while for me to come round to wanting children!

Again when I was married, during cold weather and when we lived in an isolated cottage, despite there being a wood burning Rayburn on tick-over, first thing in the mornings, there was still ice on the insides of the window …. it's just how life was. Could I go back to those days now? …. I suppose that I could but I'd rather not!

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As lad I remember we had a wood/coke fired Rayburn in the kitchen that stank of sulphur dioxide, an open fire in the living room and a paraffin heater in the hall that was never lit. I think dad ran to some electric oil filled tubular heaters when we were babies but that was it. The kitchen and living room were usually reasonably warm but every other room was glacial through the winter. We kept the apples out of the orchard in the back bedroom and they kept good as fresh picked right round to April. It was the perfect cold store. I still live here. We had central heating installed in 1996 but still only heat 2 rooms regularly, but maybe heat the best room and dining room at Christmas. To heat the whole house is simply unaffordable. We rely on a wood burning stove in place of the open hearth fire. We never heat any of the bedrooms. The walls here are 2 feet thick uninsulated limestone with no damp course. They make the perfect heat sink.
And can I change? Will I change? Probably not. We are supposed to be “making the most” of the time the Mrs has left. So I have allocated a couple of days in the working week to “go out” and look like we are “making the most” of it. So we will go to the seaside or somewhere else where people go in search of something that quite frankly eludes me.
This cancer stress has highlighted fault lines in our marriage to be honest. It has accentuated weaknesses in her mental state and mine and neither of us have come out of it looking very honourable.
I’m torn between keeping the business afloat and “making the most” of the time she has left. If the business founders when I take my eye off the ball then we will hardly be able to “make the most” of anything. It’s not like there is some benevolent god up there refilling my bank account if I take a lot of time off, People don’t seem to understand that, except myself and myself alone. But hey ho, shoulder to the wheel and hope for the best.

I had a walk round the beet tonight. I go with my hand hoe to take out crossovers where the rows meet the headlands, gearings etc. I felt entirely satisfied, fulfilled and at peace. What more could anybody want?

@DrWazzock every person who works for themselves will be with you on that …….. considering the conflict which has us torn between duty and reality, is there any point in suggesting compromise? Could you, for instance set aside one or better still two afternoons a week - just time to do what may raise a smile for both of you - something to help both of you and with standing astride those fault lines that you mention?

I'm wondering now, what on earth qualifies me to give an opinion!! I am the master of failing to listen to my own thoughts!!