Dealing with depression - suicidal thoughts - Join the conversation (including helpline details)

CornishRanger · Jan 15, 2023

Bill the Bass said:
Even with two kids involved?

Didn't know if I could like @holwellcourtfarm post or not, but I see what he is saying, the longer it takes to hit rock bottom the more damage done en-route.

Question is, is the current environment the best you can provide for your kids? At the end of the day no one can provide the perfect childhood, money, time location all play a part. My daughter doesn't know my parents even though they live only 20 minutes away, but the situation means I feel it's better than exposing her to what is a toxic underlying situation, it's sad but best for her. I know it's not great, but the lesser of two evils. Your situation is obviously different, so it up to you to make a judgement. Maybe the risk of a breakdown will make her seek help, maybe it will drive her deeper into the bottle, only you can guess that I'm afraid.

holwellcourtfarm · Jan 15, 2023

CornishRanger said:
Didn't know if I could like @holwellcourtfarm post or not, but I see what he is saying, the longer it takes to hit rock bottom the more damage done en-route.

Question is, is the current environment the best you can provide for your kids? At the end of the day no one can provide the perfect childhood, money, time location all play a part. My daughter doesn't know my parents even though they live only 20 minutes away, but the situation means I feel it's better than exposing her to what is a toxic underlying situation, it's sad but best for her. I know it's not great, but the lesser of two evils. Your situation is obviously different, so it up to you to make a judgement. Maybe the risk of a breakdown will make her seek help, maybe it will drive her deeper into the bottle, only you can guess that I'm afraid.

Agreed.

Please don't "like" my posts, there's nothing there to like.

Just like the appalling situation @Bill the Bass finds himself in.

Radnor Lad · Jan 15, 2023

The trouble I found is alcohol is too easy to use to reduce anxiety levels. At the time I didn’t know it made it worse. I just need a drink to take the edge off but the edge never goes away. I watched a YouTube video last week about an alcoholic and I thought to myself the last thing I want now is a drink. It’s taken years of self care and councilling to get to where I am but by damned I am proud of myself. Like I said I’m a social drinker darts on a Friday. We have alcohol in the house and I never think of drinking it anymore.

choochter · Jan 15, 2023

Bill the Bass said:
Even with two kids involved?

Yes. Your first duty is to protect the kids and yourself.

ARW · Jan 15, 2023

I know of two people (friends of friends) in there mid 30’s both ended up alcoholics, hiding there drinking, disappearing and coming back drunk, it’s a slippery slope
It creeps up on people, before you know it your having a drink before your going out for a drink
One is a pilot, going through a divorce, drinking to mask the pain, gets a new girlfriend who is also a drinker, their spare time is spent drinking, they get in an argument and they get arrested and released without charge, if he was charged he would of lost his job and license, then more than likely lost his house while going through a divorce. It just shows how a few bad choices can really ruin a life’s work, all because you can’t stand up to your own problems and have to escape with a drink.
It’s more common than you think

Chae1 · Jan 15, 2023

It's a horrible illness. My father in law is one, he hit rock bottom and isn't as bad again. Would describe him as a functioning alcoholic now. Doesn't even have a phone now, so very little contact with outside world.

My brother in law is running business now, and checks in on him.

Amazed he's Still alive the amount of abuse his body has taken. In his 60s.

Radnor Lad · Jan 15, 2023

ARW said:
I know of two people (friends of friends) in there mid 30’s both ended up alcoholics, hiding there drinking, disappearing and coming back drunk, it’s a slippery slope
It creeps up on people, before you know it your having a drink before your going out for a drink
One is a pilot, going through a divorce, drinking to mask the pain, gets a new girlfriend who is also a drinker, their spare time is spent drinking, they get in an argument and they get arrested and released without charge, if he was charged he would of lost his job and license, then more than likely lost his house while going through a divorce. It just shows how a few bad choices can really ruin a life’s work, all because you can’t stand up to your own problems and have to escape with a drink.
It’s more common than you think

Very common

Texel Tup · Jan 15, 2023

Bill the Bass said:
I haven’t drank for nearly two years. Other half is an alcoholic, she relapsed just before Christmas, left home and ended up in hospital for the third time on four months, leaving me with two kids and a farm to run as well as a part time job. Sale of drink outside of pubs should be banned. Lifting an unconscious drunk off a screaming baby is something no one should go through, neither is keeping kids in front of an TV whilst you wait for an ambulance to come for their mother who you think is dying due to alcohol poisoning. Alcoholism is a living hell for the alcoholic and their family.

I was going to reply to your last post but then and thankfully, I trawled back until I got to this …. assuring you of just how sorry I am to read of your predicament, would be trite and crass, but what else is there to say? FFS man, I could cry for you and that isn't a throw away line.

At times such as these and for you, any thoughts of love and caring and a future will have been abandoned a long time ago - you will be far more concerned with survival and that of yours and your children and that is exactly how it should be. I know that Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) have a second string to their bow ~ they also provide support for those who are swept along with a madness which is not of their making - those who in reality suffer collateral damage. There is nothing to be achieved by taking the stance …. "If you want to kill yourself, that's fine, …." ~ no matter what the temptation.

It's YOU who is in need of help and there must be groups local to you who have collected together in a self-help capacity.

holwellcourtfarm · Jan 15, 2023

Texel Tup said:
I was going to reply to your last post but then and thankfully, I trawled back until I got to this …. assuring you of just how sorry I am to read of your predicament, would be trite and crass, but what else is there to say? FFS man, I could cry for you and that isn't a throw away line.

At times such as these and for you, any thoughts of love and caring and a future will have been abandoned a long time ago - you will be far more concerned with survival and that of yours and your children and that is exactly how it should be. I know that Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) have a second string to their bow ~ they also provide support for those who are swept along with a madness which is not of their making - those who in reality suffer collateral damage. There is nothing to be achieved by taking the stance …. "If you want to kill yourself, that's fine, …." ~ no matter what the temptation.

It's YOU who is in need of help and there must be groups local to you who have collected together in a self-help capacity.

AA do actually provide a help service for partners.

CornishRanger · Jan 15, 2023

holwellcourtfarm said:
AA do actually provide a help service for partners.

I think that's was what texel was saying.

Texel Tup · Jan 15, 2023

holwellcourtfarm said:
….

Our daughter was 12 months old when we split. She saw enough sh!t as it was on contact visits (over 10 years), I shudder to think what she'd have gone through if we had stayed together.

……..

Being the child of a live-in alcoholic is incredibly damaging. That's just my own view though.

……..

Picking out your well made points has me struggling between the juxta-positioned senses of an anger at any person ~ and perhaps more so a woman, who can put her reliance upon a poison which she must know is impacting upon her child and then a near overwhelming sense of pity that the poor woman has no apparent control …. it leaves me wondering what on earth has gone so terribly wrong …. and as you most probably will too.

I have never really got my head around anyone who looks at themselves, sees what's wrong but then continues …. it must surely be a case of being overwhelmed rather than a lack of will power.

I'm an alcoholic and I accept that ~ not 'was' ~ I am. For all but 30 years I had a bottle of gin a day, every day. Then I got to be about 70 and realised that I'd lived a charmed life and that a blemish free career of 30 years drink driving, couldn't last forever. I'm not proud and I'm not apologising either, it's how it was. Now I keep a diary and I probably have a pint once a week, or on occasion I'll buy a bottle of spirits and that's usually gone overnight. I WON'T drink and drive, though not perhaps for the obvious reason of risk, but now, if someone died because I was drunk at a wheel, I would never live with myself. I really don't do morality, but as I age, I'm getting in to self preservation mode and now and following ANY booze, the anxiety levels, first thing in the mornings, have become unbearable. Following an evening with even one small drink, the next morning I see all those who I have wronged in my life ~ they seem to queue up …. and it's a burden which is crippling.

Every day without booze is a battle ~ every morning and every night but, and perversely, I relish the fight. How I wish that I could sit and enjoy a single G&T …. but one is never enough and two is too many. How I envy those who are able to engage with moderation ….

holwellcourtfarm · Jan 15, 2023

Texel Tup said:
Picking out your well made points has me struggling between the juxta-positioned senses of an anger at any person ~ and perhaps more so a woman, who can put her reliance upon a poison which she must know is impacting upon her child and then a near overwhelming sense of pity that the poor woman has no apparent control …. it leaves me wondering what on earth has gone so terribly wrong …. and as you most probably will too.

I have never really got my head around anyone who looks at themselves, sees what's wrong but then continues …. it must surely be a case of being overwhelmed rather than a lack of will power.

I'm an alcoholic and I accept that ~ not 'was' ~ I am. For all but 30 years I had a bottle of gin a day, every day. Then I got to be about 70 and realised that I'd lived a charmed life and that a blemish free career of 30 years drink driving, couldn't last forever. I'm not proud and I'm not apologising either, it's how it was. Now I keep a diary and I probably have a pint once a week, or on occasion I'll buy a bottle of spirits and that's usually gone overnight. I WON'T drink and drive, though not perhaps for the obvious reason of risk, but now, if someone died because I was drunk at a wheel, I would never live with myself. I really don't do morality, but as I age, I'm getting in to self preservation mode and now and following ANY booze, the anxiety levels, first thing in the mornings, have become unbearable. Following an evening with even one small drink, the next morning I see all those who I have wronged in my life ~ they seem to queue up …. and it's a burden which is crippling.

Every day without booze is a battle ~ every morning and every night but, and perversely, I relish the fight. How I wish that I could sit and enjoy a single G&T …. but one is never enough and two is too many. How I envy those who are able to engage with moderation ….

Actually, I feel incredibly sorry for her. We get on better now than for many years. She was a damned fine vet with a great career ahead of her and that's all been wasted. For many years she was struck off.

She wrote off 2 cars, spending months in prison on her 3rd DD conviction.

She was still drinking herself into a coma while under the care of the Priory Hospital (the £35,000 bill).

Our daughter won't talk to her because of how she was treated by her. As a result She's only seen our 5 year old granddaughter once. I try hard to get them together but I won't ruin my own relationship with our daughter to do it. She misses out on so much as a result.

It's all so deeply sad.

For the 10 years we were together and for many afterwards she simply couldn't control it. Alcohol meant more to her than her daughter did, even at 2 years old. If I hadn't got a residence order and kept our daughter away she wouldn't have made it to 5 years old, indeed she nearly drowned on a weekend contact visit at 2 years old.

Texel Tup · Jan 15, 2023

holwellcourtfarm said:
……..

It's all so deeply sad.

You won't be feeling proud of yourself, but you did what had to be done. You were entirely right in your actions and your decisions ~ you simply had no choice.

Booze has a habit of doing the nastiest things to the nicest people. Reading of your experience and that of @Bill the Bass, I really do feel incredibly lucky that I have come through relatively unscathed.

I too have a colossal sense of pity for your daughter's mother …. there but for the grace of God ….

ARW · Jan 15, 2023

I’ve just got back from the local pub, we went to meet friends and sort out our upcoming skiing holiday, it was very quiet as I went to the bar and ordered a small wine and a alcohol free Guinness for myself, I was then questioned why I wouldn’t have a “real” drink by the red faced boozy regulars. The same crowd in most nights, drinking and smoking looking down on others who don’t need a drink to exist, it’s a sad reality

waterbuffalofarmer · Jan 15, 2023

DrWazzock said:
The Mrs has had her last dose of chemo and is getting over it. Last year was truly the worst of my entire life (and her life), helping her get through two major ops of ultra radical surgery and eight rounds of chemo. We don't know what the future holds. Could be long, could be short for her. She will need maintenance drugs for the rest of her life. Understandably her mood isn't great at all some days and it tends to suck the optimism right out of me leaving me in deep despair though I have to keep cheerful and keep going for her sake. But we keep on going and try to make the most of what we have got. But we live with stress almost constantly. Its the new normal. We have kind of got used to it. Isolating some of the time still when her immunity is low. I still enjoy a bit of farming but everything else is just fairly rubbish really. Its like life has been reduced to just an existence though there are some small pleasures but even they are reducing. I can't drink a coffee, tea or glass of wine without bladder problems. So that's something else off the pleasure list. Not much left really. Stroking the cat, sitting in front of the fire, drinking water.
No counsellor, no psychologist, no mind altering drugs have made the slightest bit of difference to my wife. She seems entirely immune to any sort of external intervention on the mental health front. Frankly I've had to shoulder all of that and its bloody wearing I can tell you. It would have been far easier if I'd had the feckin cancer myself, than trying to help somebody else deal with it, badly.
Anyway, hey ho, shoulder to the wheel and all that. Off to do the weekly shop.

I'm sorry to hear that darlin, if you need to talkwe are all here x I hope things only get better from now on

czechmate · Jan 15, 2023

ARW said:
I’ve just got back from the local pub, we went to meet friends and sort out our upcoming skiing holiday, it was very quiet as I went to the bar and ordered a small wine and a alcohol free Guinness for myself, I was then questioned why I wouldn’t have a “real” drink by the red faced boozy regulars. The same crowd in most nights, drinking and smoking looking down on others who don’t need a drink to exist, it’s a sad reality

exactly

DrWazzock · Jan 15, 2023

waterbuffalofarmer said:
I'm sorry to hear that darlin, if you need to talkwe are all here x I hope things only get better from now on

Thanks. Even just sharing difficulties on here seems somehow to diminish them. Glad to hear the situation with your brother is resolving, not that I could add anything to what others had said.
All storms blow over eventually. We just have to hold tight and not lose our heads while they do. Easier said than done, I know well enough now.

DrWazzock · Jan 15, 2023

Texel Tup said:
Picking out your well made points has me struggling between the juxta-positioned senses of an anger at any person ~ and perhaps more so a woman, who can put her reliance upon a poison which she must know is impacting upon her child and then a near overwhelming sense of pity that the poor woman has no apparent control …. it leaves me wondering what on earth has gone so terribly wrong …. and as you most probably will too.

I have never really got my head around anyone who looks at themselves, sees what's wrong but then continues …. it must surely be a case of being overwhelmed rather than a lack of will power.

I'm an alcoholic and I accept that ~ not 'was' ~ I am. For all but 30 years I had a bottle of gin a day, every day. Then I got to be about 70 and realised that I'd lived a charmed life and that a blemish free career of 30 years drink driving, couldn't last forever. I'm not proud and I'm not apologising either, it's how it was. Now I keep a diary and I probably have a pint once a week, or on occasion I'll buy a bottle of spirits and that's usually gone overnight. I WON'T drink and drive, though not perhaps for the obvious reason of risk, but now, if someone died because I was drunk at a wheel, I would never live with myself. I really don't do morality, but as I age, I'm getting in to self preservation mode and now and following ANY booze, the anxiety levels, first thing in the mornings, have become unbearable. Following an evening with even one small drink, the next morning I see all those who I have wronged in my life ~ they seem to queue up …. and it's a burden which is crippling.

Every day without booze is a battle ~ every morning and every night but, and perversely, I relish the fight. How I wish that I could sit and enjoy a single G&T …. but one is never enough and two is too many. How I envy those who are able to engage with moderation ….

Thanks for a very honest and insightful post. I wouldn’t say I was or am an alcoholic but I don’t drink at all now for similar reasons as those you describe. I particularly understand the post drinking flashbacks to random events where I’ve failed or things have gone wrong. Bad memories seem to pop up that have been buried for years. Two days of depression following even the smallest drink. Health problems, mental and physical. It just ain’t worth it.
Philip Larkin said he couldn’t see the point in drinking in moderation so he gave it up entirely. The doc once told me that alcohol is like dropping a nuclear bomb on your gut biome : something I’ve always remembered.
But all around we are subject to social pressure to consume alcohol. Even the “safe limit” is a plain lie perpetuated by the drinks industry. Alcohol is a carcinogen. There is no safe limit other than zero. Any amount is a risk but there’s big bucks involved so they’ll play fast and loose with folks health.

teslacoils · Jan 20, 2023

Bill the Bass said:
Unfortunately that is the fork in the road I am at. I can’t handle another year like 2022 or another relapse as the impact gets worse on the kids as they get older.

There are certain mantras I live by;

‘all it takes is all you’ve got’

‘hang on until the ride is through’

‘a good soldier never looks back’ or if you are religious, Luke 9:62

The ride is through though.

Youd not hire a babysitter who was like that. So you'd surely not leave your children with her?

I think folk generally come here for either a) a handhold because they already know what needs doing or b) advise as they genuinely don't know the score. But I'm going to be blunt here : get your children out of that situation.

Your Mrs needs help. But your children need it more. Double standards hat time but if you were a woman with a husband like that everyone would be saying get out.

Pm me if you want. I'm quite concerned. Britain is not large - it's like 4 hours from here to cumbria but I'm going to take a wild stab that your brain is giving a million reasons for plodding on, and you're likely in a socially isolated position. you've probably got stock responsibilities and all sorts of things are giving you reasons to not do what needs to be done.

"Even with two kids involved" FFS chap, thats the primary reason.

The_law_of_sod · Jan 20, 2023

Im long term member in tff but changed my name for this,

im mid 30’s
Run own buisness earning good enough money ,40-50 hours a week ,
Manual job,
Work basically on my door step,not ag related.
Set up on my own since i was 20
But wondering if all worth it ,nearly always stressed and chasing my tail trying catch up
Just expanding this year to try and see if helps with keeping up with work.

ive never really liked the work i do
,just choose it as a job i got offered when left school
Now i feel trapped,need to earn a certain amount a year to keep up with bills and provide for family and this job is only way i can see to do it, i dont know anything else that can earn as much.

When i was 18-19 i did have a breakdown and tried to take my own life a couple times,second was very nearly successful,
But never have thought about it since or ever felt near depressed as that ,
only ever the normal down days.

from outside my life looks great ,
Live in a house we recently built ourselves two young kids ,fairly new car etc etc
But i feel like lifes a real struggle.
Maybe this time of year?always feel crap this time of year.

Just thought id vent this where i can be anonymous.

Dealing with depression - suicidal thoughts - Join the conversation (including helpline details)

Member

Member

Member

Member

Member

Member

Member

Member

Member

Member

Member

Member

Member

Member

Member

Member

Member

Member

Member

Member

0 %

Up to 25%

25-50%

50-75%

75-100%

100% I’ve had enough of farming!

Share this page