Dealing with depression - suicidal thoughts - Join the conversation (including helpline details)

[troubled]

Troubled,

I understood, perhaps mistakenly, that your partner said she would go to see a councillor for you. Maybe that could be a way for the two of you to make some progress.

The words being "for me", so that I could iron out any issues with me and not so that we would go to discuss our relationship.

 

[Lili]

Troubled
I have no experience of your situation and cannot offer any advice but having read your posts I will be thinking of you. Whatever happens be kind to yourself. Best wishes

Lili

 

[Old Boar]

I hope your day has not been too terrible @troubled. Try and get to see a councillor together as the councillor will soon pick up the dynamics and see where help is needed, even is she thinks it is to help you. She owes you this much.
Sometimes it can be just a few words that someone says, almost in passing, that a person can hang on to, to take them forward, to make some sort of sense out of what is happening. This can happen from a friend, a councillor, something you read, and you hang on to it like it is a lifeline, and it can be just such a lifeline.
I cannot offer wise words, apart from it is shyte now but will get better, having been there myself. Dont dwell on what has happened, look forward to what could happen and it may not be all rosy, but it is better than now!
Hug.

 

[troubled]

I hope your day has not been too terrible @troubled. Try and get to see a councillor together as the councillor will soon pick up the dynamics and see where help is needed, even is she thinks it is to help you. She owes you this much.
Sometimes it can be just a few words that someone says, almost in passing, that a person can hang on to, to take them forward, to make some sort of sense out of what is happening. This can happen from a friend, a councillor, something you read, and you hang on to it like it is a lifeline, and it can be just such a lifeline.
I cannot offer wise words, apart from it is shyte now but will get better, having been there myself. Dont dwell on what has happened, look forward to what could happen and it may not be all rosy, but it is better than now!
Hug.

As much as I appreciate the idea of going along with her to the councelor to help me I think one session of it would see her seeing through the facade of it being for me.

 

[Old Boar]

Would that matter though? It may give both of you an idea of a way forward. Sometimes we need a more formal setting than chatting to friends to see clearly. Look after yourself though and try and be kind to yourself.

 

[JWL]

It is a bloody hard place to be in. When my wife "decided" to leave because she needed space from financial worries, the boys one of which is autistic and hard work in himself, it was not me that she wanted to leave but the whole package of our life.
I suppose I could have made more of trying to pursuade her to stay but I have been brought up that you don't "own" another person, you do not control another person and their feelings but it pretty much devastated me. I had taken a long time to actually be committed to being with one person and she was the one. We didn't get married straight away and the boys came along 2 years into the marriage, our first was a difficult pregnancy and resulted in an emergency caesarian with Josh being whisked away immediately so no real bonding and the start of PND. The next pregnancy a couple of years later was frought with tests and hassle which didn't help so, not wishing to be too frank, there was allways the shadow of a meltdown hanging over us.
We became the best of friends before we married and are pretty much still, 6+ years after she walked out, I'm not denying that I still feel that I should have done more but a little voice in my head was saying no, it's been a nightmare these last years as she left the boys behind, the eldest has gone through his "secondary" school years, moved on through the equivalent 6th form and is now at a Special Needs College 3 days a week and the Community Farm the other 2. The youngest has gone from junior school and will be sitting his GCSE's this year and on to sixth form college in September. I have lived through all this by myself with very little support from my ex even though she keeps promising to help but I know she physically and mentally finds it too hard as she has such a guilt complex about leaving her kids.
I have very little animosity, very rare do I feel any bitterness towards her because the circumstances of dealing with a special needs child takes a lot of mental strength and she feels so guilty that she failed even though she was a hell of a strong woman. The door is allways open even after all this time if she wanted to come back, I have so much scepticism of relationships that I have never bothered to enter into another relationship, my life is now as a carer for the eldest where I have to think as him and make sure he is sorted, I have to be there for my 16 year old to support and be a father to him and no way would I like to burden somebody else into this situation plus, probably my fault, I'm a proud person and I just get on with it, there isn't any place to introduce a new person into my world.
Money is tight, yes I could go out and earn £110/week before it's unworthwhile and cuts the benefits but, I can't work when the boys are off on school holidays, days are short when doing school/college runs both ends of the day, illnesses have to be catered for then there's finding time to get your head together when the boys aren't around. I've tried it and ended up becoming ill myself which is of no use to the boys.
I know my words won't hold much comfort but holding another person back even though you can see that they're heading for a fall will only generate deeper resentment and animosity, you can only support and help even though it will tear you apart but you just have to pick yourself up, stand tall and get on with the daily grind.

 

[Wiking]

@JWL You should be proud of yourself, you are one hell of a father. I also think you're a big man for not holding a grudge against your ex-wife. All the best wishes to you and your boys!!

 

[Old Tip]

Just filled in the Stress Survey and it wasn't easy seeing those familiar questions again, please any of you on this thread who haven't filled it in already do so as if we can get help to some folk in need it will be worth while.

Sorry i havent been on here for a while, been catching up and theres a lot of familier stories, stay strong @troubled and @JWL and take all the help you can, its not easy and those worries never go away but they an be eased and you can get to like yourself despite what you think

 

[troubled]

Would that matter though? It may give both of you an idea of a way forward. Sometimes we need a more formal setting than chatting to friends to see clearly. Look after yourself though and try and be kind to yourself.

Im not even sure she would agree to it anymore. She moved out over the weekend, I helped her move and set the beds up for the kids and went away to a friends for the night so I wasnt home alone in an empty house, saved that one for last night. Still get along like we always have, only without being in a relationship and it is so hard. I am going to try my best to keep a clear mind and get on with things both at work and privately, I admit life had got on top of me this year, I had a problem with my leg all summer so couldnt get out to work much and when I did it was limited, had that operated on in the autumn so have only just got back into the swing now the new year has come round and then the bombshell stopped that in its tracks.

Kids see the new house as exciting at the moment, I'm hoping that when they stay here again in a few nights time that they will not see it as a downward step

 

[Allied Weighing]

Im not even sure she would agree to it anymore. She moved out over the weekend, I helped her move and set the beds up for the kids and went away to a friends for the night so I wasnt home alone in an empty house, saved that one for last night. Still get along like we always have, only without being in a relationship and it is so hard. I am going to try my best to keep a clear mind and get on with things both at work and privately, I admit life had got on top of me this year, I had a problem with my leg all summer so couldnt get out to work much and when I did it was limited, had that operated on in the autumn so have only just got back into the swing now the new year has come round and then the bombshell stopped that in its tracks.

Kids see the new house as exciting at the moment, I'm hoping that when they stay here again in a few nights time that they will not see it as a downward step

Have been thinking about you

 

[Pieces_of_Eight]

I've also had you in my thoughts and would like to extend my very best wishes.

I can't offer much in the way of constructive advice (like some contributors can), only to always try to keep yourself busy.

If you spend today tearing yourself up about yesterday, you will miss out on your tomorrow.

Please keep sharing if it helps, and try to do what's best for you and your kids.

 

[Lili]

Sounds as if you have had a really tough year. Keep going, a day at a time and look after yourself.

 

[Wiking]

@troubled Hang in there mate, I hope you see some kind of silver lining soon. Your kids won't think spending nights at you is a step backwards, because to me you're a loving an caring father. Is your leg feeling better after the operation? Perhaps doing some work will clear your mind at least for the time being? All the best wishes to you mate.

 

[troubled]

@troubled Hang in there mate, I hope you see some kind of silver lining soon. Your kids won't think spending nights at you is a step backwards, because to me you're a loving an caring father. Is your leg feeling better after the operation? Perhaps doing some work will clear your mind at least for the time being? All the best wishes to you mate.

My leg is just about right, have had a few days where it has ached when it was cold but its as good as it could be now. Had a fairly productive afternoon at work today, hopefully a corner turned. Could do with a few better nights sleep as I have only slept through the night once this year

 

[Wiking]

@troubled I'm glad to hear that you don't need to worry about your leg as much anyore, and you're right that it's a corner turned indeed. I can't help you with your sleeping issues though, I've had severe problems with sleep myself and have been prescribed every sleeping pill avalible, but to actually fall asleep from them I need to take so many that it leaves me feeling hung-over the next day...
These first nights are bound to be the toughest ones, hang in there mate, hopefully you will feel a little bit better by this time next week.

 

[Old Tip]

My leg is just about right, have had a few days where it has ached when it was cold but its as good as it could be now. Had a fairly productive afternoon at work today, hopefully a corner turned. Could do with a few better nights sleep as I have only slept through the night once this year

God that sounds very familiar, i went through something similar to you a couple of years back, the lack of sleep alone is enough to wear you down and you just stop functioning properly, being alone is not good but try and focus on your kids and make small steps. Are you getting any help ?

 

[troubled]

God that sounds very familiar, i went through something similar to you a couple of years back, the lack of sleep alone is enough to wear you down and you just stop functioning properly, being alone is not good but try and focus on your kids and make small steps. Are you getting any help ?

I have a very good friend network around me, I did go to a councelor but when I spoke there I was only saying what I was saying to my friends and wasn't sure how much use it was. If my wife would go with me id keep going but as things are I didn't feel I was getting much out of it. I would stand to be corrected on that though if anyone else had personal experience on how it helped more with a councelor than a friend.

The best nights sleep I had was the night before she left, I asked her if we could cuddle for old times sake and I slept right through.

I can't help but think that we had to much going on in our lives at the moment to go making decisions like she did but I can't force her into thinking like I do. She did ask what id do if the rolls were reversed and I said I'd do anything to try find a way to make it work. She is well down the road to it being completely over though it seems. I have days where I think it is over but also days where I think it isn't and time apart could solve some issues but I don't want to get my hopes up and read more into small things than I should.

 

[Old Tip]

I have a very good friend network around me, I did go to a councelor but when I spoke there I was only saying what I was saying to my friends and wasn't sure how much use it was. If my wife would go with me id keep going but as things are I didn't feel I was getting much out of it. I would stand to be corrected on that though if anyone else had personal experience on how it helped more with a councelor than a friend.

The best nights sleep I had was the night before she left, I asked her if we could cuddle for old times sake and I slept right through.

I can't help but think that we had to much going on in our lives at the moment to go making decisions like she did but I can't force her into thinking like I do. She did ask what id do if the rolls were reversed and I said I'd do anything to try find a way to make it work. She is well down the road to it being completely over though it seems. I have days where I think it is over but also days where I think it isn't and time apart could solve some issues but I don't want to get my hopes up and read more into small things than I should.

Your story is very similar to mine and many more, i cant explain what went wrong with my marriage, all i know is it always seemed to be my fault and the lack of love and worry almost finished me off, it was a long hard road on my own but i did find love again fairly quickly once i realised it was over. I still struggle with the past for lots of reasons but try and focus on the future and the opportunities there are rather than those lost.

 

[Christoph1945]

Your sharing here, with your counsellor, and with your close network of friends, will all help you to avoid the pressure cooker syndrome, where things can build up to an explosive event.

Thank you for having the courage to share with us. Many of our silent readers will perhaps learn from your willingness to be so open.

Stay safe, stay well, and above all remember that you are a wonderful being, endowed with many talents and valuable beyond description.

 

[troubled]

Your sharing here, with your counsellor, and with your close network of friends, will all help you to avoid the pressure cooker syndrome, where things can build up to an explosive event.

Thank you for having the courage to share with us. Many of our silent readers will perhaps learn from your willingness to be so open.

Stay safe, stay well, and above all remember that you are a wonderful being, endowed with many talents and valuable beyond description.

The worst thing about the situation I'm in is I feel I have never had so many people to talk to but feel so lonely as the one I want to have is still my best friend in every way but was just over a month ago so much more.