Dealing with depression - suicidal thoughts - Join the conversation (including helpline details)

[Steevo]

Fair play to you guys! Stick with it. It's a very dark place to be, but there is light at the end of the tunnel. Hats off to Bob and Rob for being so supportive to their respective halves! They're very lucky to have you both!!

 

[BobGreen]

Thank you for your kind comments. I will stick in there and support her as much as I can. Because she's worth it !

 

[johnb5555]

@RWG Contracts
I'm assuming you havn't been to these sessions with your gf. But would you say you have to be pretty open about how your feeling to get the best out of them. No good holding anything back.

 

[troubled]

Good to hear that you are helping the better halves of your life through a difficult time.

I am struggling myself at the moment, my wife of 7 years has recently sprung the bombshell on me that she doesnt feel the same about me as she did and is leaving, we have 3 children and have been together for 10 years now. The family living side of things hasnt been easy, we moved into the farmhouse and my parents moved into a newly built annex for them which was meant to be short lived. Anyway, long story short 4 years later they were still there, we felt we had no privacy and couldnt change the house to how we wanted as they were right there on top of us. I made the decision that we were going to do something about it and that is when the bombshell moment hit. She doesnt want me to uproot myself and doesnt feel the same about me, I still wanted to go with her but she seems to have had her mind made up, and despite my thoughts that if I went and something changed about our situation we had found ourselves in then who knows how she might feel, she came it from the angle that she cant see anything changing and if in 3 or 4 months she still feels the same as she does now it will have been for nothing and it would cause more problems with the kids.

She has in the past had depression, PND was very bad and she said at the time she nearly left me and our new baby but then found help and got onto medication and was OK. I have suggested it could be something similar that is making her thoughts go down the road she is but she will not accept the idea at all. I have looked online at telltale signs for depression and can almost tick them all off but she point blank refuses to consider it and says she knows what depression feels like and she hasnt got it. I am deperate for some kind of answers to it all, even if it was just to put my mind at ease that it isnt that which is forcing the way she feels to be different to if she was OK in herself. A few months back she did mention going back onto medication but decided against it.

She has shut off anyone who has told her that she should take things slowly and not rush about leaving, even her family. I am at my whits end, I dont want her to leave without me as I love her to pieces, I have tried to go to a marriage guidance councellor but she wont even go with me there (we did have one session but she will only go back to "support me" not to talk about us or what went wrong). Even if it was just so that we (or just I) could see where it happened and understand better how she feels it is such a lost cause.

I am up and down like yoyo, one minute I think we are OK, getting along better, seem to be having the odd "moment" then the next im lost, crying into my cornflakes like a small child.

She has a house sorted and is moving out at the weekend, I am hoping that it will give me some space to clear my head but somehow I cant see it.

Has anyone any experience or help for this kind of situation?

 

[czechmate]

Good to hear that you are helping the better halves of your life through a difficult time.

I am struggling myself at the moment, my wife of 7 years has recently sprung the bombshell on me that she doesnt feel the same about me as she did and is leaving, we have 3 children and have been together for 10 years now. The family living side of things hasnt been easy, we moved into the farmhouse and my parents moved into a newly built annex for them which was meant to be short lived. Anyway, long story short 4 years later they were still there, we felt we had no privacy and couldnt change the house to how we wanted as they were right there on top of us. I made the decision that we were going to do something about it and that is when the bombshell moment hit. She doesnt want me to uproot myself and doesnt feel the same about me, I still wanted to go with her but she seems to have had her mind made up, and despite my thoughts that if I went and something changed about our situation we had found ourselves in then who knows how she might feel, she came it from the angle that she cant see anything changing and if in 3 or 4 months she still feels the same as she does now it will have been for nothing and it would cause more problems with the kids.

She has in the past had depression, PND was very bad and she said at the time she nearly left me and our new baby but then found help and got onto medication and was OK. I have suggested it could be something similar that is making her thoughts go down the road she is but she will not accept the idea at all. I have looked online at telltale signs for depression and can almost tick them all off but she point blank refuses to consider it and says she knows what depression feels like and she hasnt got it. I am deperate for some kind of answers to it all, even if it was just to put my mind at ease that it isnt that which is forcing the way she feels to be different to if she was OK in herself. A few months back she did mention going back onto medication but decided against it.

She has shut off anyone who has told her that she should take things slowly and not rush about leaving, even her family. I am at my whits end, I dont want her to leave without me as I love her to pieces, I have tried to go to a marriage guidance councellor but she wont even go with me there (we did have one session but she will only go back to "support me" not to talk about us or what went wrong). Even if it was just so that we (or just I) could see where it happened and understand better how she feels it is such a lost cause.

I am up and down like yoyo, one minute I think we are OK, getting along better, seem to be having the odd "moment" then the next im lost, crying into my cornflakes like a small child.

She has a house sorted and is moving out at the weekend, I am hoping that it will give me some space to clear my head but somehow I cant see it.

Has anyone any experience or help for this kind of situation?

Yes, but the (now) ex had another bloke lined up.
Is she talking of taking the kids or going on her own? Women love to be "given time", I would suggest your best hope is to leave her alone to leave, even support it and maybe/hopefully, given time she will decide she wants to get back together. If she doesn't, well sorry but then it's just not meant to be anymore - there is nothing you can do to make someone love you.
Funnily enough, I desperately wanted my ex back for a long time and gave her the time and waited for at least a couple of years. Then by accident I met Mrs Cz, got together with her, then, after over three years since leaving the ex was asking to get back together. Maybe a coincidence, maybe not but it did seem she needed the kick uo the arse that I might be moved on to make the decision but for me, by then, it was too late.
Good luck with it all, I know it really sucks (we had three kids, youngest wasn't two when ex left) but you will come out the other side and stronger for it, you just need to weather the storm

 

[troubled]

Yes, but the (now) ex had another bloke lined up.
Is she talking of taking the kids or going on her own? Women love to be "given time", I would suggest your best hope is to leave her alone to leave, even support it and maybe/hopefully, given time she will decide she wants to get back together. If she doesn't, well sorry but then it's just not meant to be anymore - there is nothing you can do to make someone love you.
Funnily enough, I desperately wanted my ex back for a long time and gave her the time and waited for at least a couple of years. Then by accident I met Mrs Cz, got together with her, then, after over three years since leaving the ex was asking to get back together. Maybe a coincidence, maybe not but it did seem she needed the kick uo the arse that I might be moved on to make the decision but for me, by then, it was too late.
Good luck with it all, I know it really sucks (we had three kids, youngest wasn't two when ex left) but you will come out the other side and stronger for it, you just need to weather the storm

Kids will be split between us, she is adamant that we will not fall out which I see as impossible.

I have not asked her to stay, from the off I have agreed she needs to leave to get away from all the crap. I have asked to go with her but that's fallen on deaf ears.

On the nights I won't have the kids I've no idea what I'll do. Guess it'll be looking at the bottom of a glass of some description

 

[thatlldaespot]

@troubled - what a desperately sad and worrying situation for you, I'm so sorry. I wish I could say or do something to help, but sadly I can only offer my sympathy for you going through such a tough time. It will pass, things will work out, and one day the sun will shine again, believe me - but just hang on in there, one day at a time.

On the nights when you're on your own though, I can see the attraction of the bottle, but might I just suggest something a bit different and possibly less destructive..... a new interest, something you've always fancied doing but haven't had the chance to do - learn a language, go out and get involved in a local club, take up a new hobby, treat yourself to something that will make you feel good about yourself and your skills? Oddly enough that might make your wife look at you in a totally new light as well.

All the very best from me here anyway.

 

[Alicecow]

@troubled - what a desperately sad and worrying situation for you, I'm so sorry. I wish I could say or do something to help, but sadly I can only offer my sympathy for you going through such a tough time. It will pass, things will work out, and one day the sun will shine again, believe me - but just hang on in there, one day at a time.

On the nights when you're on your own though, I can see the attraction of the bottle, but might I just suggest something a bit different and possibly less destructive..... a new interest, something you've always fancied doing but haven't had the chance to do - learn a language, go out and get involved in a local club, take up a new hobby, treat yourself to something that will make you feel good about yourself and your skills? Oddly enough that might make your wife look at you in a totally new light as well.

All the very best from me here anyway.

This ^^^^^

 

[czechmate]

Kids will be split between us, she is adamant that we will not fall out which I see as impossible.

I have not asked her to stay, from the off I have agreed she needs to leave to get away from all the crap. I have asked to go with her but that's fallen on deaf ears.

On the nights I won't have the kids I've no idea what I'll do. Guess it'll be looking at the bottom of a glass of some description

Try and avoid drinking too much. Try not to argue in front of the kids.
I would stick with the counselling, even on your own. I did and in the worse times it might have just made the difference that meNs I am still here to write this today.

 

[Wiking]

@czechmate a little bit off topic, but sometimes I dream about selling everything off over here, take just my girlfriend and move abroad. What's a good website farms for sale in France?

 

[Allied Weighing]

Good to hear that you are helping the better halves of your life through a difficult time.

I am struggling myself at the moment, my wife of 7 years has recently sprung the bombshell on me that she doesnt feel the same about me as she did and is leaving, we have 3 children and have been together for 10 years now. The family living side of things hasnt been easy, we moved into the farmhouse and my parents moved into a newly built annex for them which was meant to be short lived. Anyway, long story short 4 years later they were still there, we felt we had no privacy and couldnt change the house to how we wanted as they were right there on top of us. I made the decision that we were going to do something about it and that is when the bombshell moment hit. She doesnt want me to uproot myself and doesnt feel the same about me, I still wanted to go with her but she seems to have had her mind made up, and despite my thoughts that if I went and something changed about our situation we had found ourselves in then who knows how she might feel, she came it from the angle that she cant see anything changing and if in 3 or 4 months she still feels the same as she does now it will have been for nothing and it would cause more problems with the kids.

She has in the past had depression, PND was very bad and she said at the time she nearly left me and our new baby but then found help and got onto medication and was OK. I have suggested it could be something similar that is making her thoughts go down the road she is but she will not accept the idea at all. I have looked online at telltale signs for depression and can almost tick them all off but she point blank refuses to consider it and says she knows what depression feels like and she hasnt got it. I am deperate for some kind of answers to it all, even if it was just to put my mind at ease that it isnt that which is forcing the way she feels to be different to if she was OK in herself. A few months back she did mention going back onto medication but decided against it.

She has shut off anyone who has told her that she should take things slowly and not rush about leaving, even her family. I am at my whits end, I dont want her to leave without me as I love her to pieces, I have tried to go to a marriage guidance councellor but she wont even go with me there (we did have one session but she will only go back to "support me" not to talk about us or what went wrong). Even if it was just so that we (or just I) could see where it happened and understand better how she feels it is such a lost cause.

I am up and down like yoyo, one minute I think we are OK, getting along better, seem to be having the odd "moment" then the next im lost, crying into my cornflakes like a small child.

She has a house sorted and is moving out at the weekend, I am hoping that it will give me some space to clear my head but somehow I cant see it.

Has anyone any experience or help for this kind of situation?

I am so sorry you are going through this
One of the biggest difficulties with people who have depression is that they are often in denial.
They know there is something not right, but seeking help to them can be an admission of failure and the inability to cope and just get on with it.
Some people also find it difficult to talk to their partner frankly about how they are feeling, as they love them deeply and don't want to be a burden.
PND is absolutely horrific for any woman to go through. It may be that she has a hormone imbalance which is affecting her moods. Hormones can have a huge impact on behaviour, causing irrational thought patterns, huge mood swings etc.
If you can before she leaves I would tell her you just want to have a chat with her, take her out of the house, perhaps go for a walk or a drink. Tell her that you love her with all your heart and always will, tell her that if she feels she needs time on her own because you love her you respect her wishes. Tell her she can come back anytime the door is always open.
The ask her is there anything that you could have changed about yourself that would have prevented her from making the decision to leave- and see what she says.
Don't put pressure on her, just see if she will open up a little. She may not change her mind about going, but you may have a better understanding as to why.
This is my advice from a female perspective.





I

 

[troubled]

Thanks all.

I have tried to get out for walks to chat but all she thinks will happen is we will run over the same things again and again as we have been doing for the past month on and off. As recently as Christmas we were planning a weekend away (just the two of us) as a present to each other. I suggested we still do that but she no longer wants to. She thinks that we would just end up arguing and going over the same thing again and again. Yesterday we went for a walk and just chatted, about her work and the kids and then a little bit about the logistics of her impending move (which is this weekend ).

I feel awful for even suggesting it is anything other than a change in her heart and her feelings for me but everyone I speak to feels the same, that it is not her, she isnt being like the woman I love and marry in some ways and there are points that I can see online that point towards it possibly being depression. I have suggested it to her but she will not go to the doctor, her sister offered to go along with her as well but she has stopped talking to her much now.

I have also had the thought that there might be someone else, maybe not even right now but somewhere in the pipeline for soon.

I think once the weekend is over it will work two ways, I wont be seeing her as much (if at all as most child swaps are before/after school I think). That will give me some kind of closure but also could leave me wondering all night long if she misses me as much as I miss her

I am just lost at the moment.

Thanks all.

 

[Allied Weighing]

Thanks all.

I have tried to get out for walks to chat but all she thinks will happen is we will run over the same things again and again as we have been doing for the past month on and off. As recently as Christmas we were planning a weekend away (just the two of us) as a present to each other. I suggested we still do that but she no longer wants to. She thinks that we would just end up arguing and going over the same thing again and again. Yesterday we went for a walk and just chatted, about her work and the kids and then a little bit about the logistics of her impending move (which is this weekend ).

I feel awful for even suggesting it is anything other than a change in her heart and her feelings for me but everyone I speak to feels the same, that it is not her, she isnt being like the woman I love and marry in some ways and there are points that I can see online that point towards it possibly being depression. I have suggested it to her but she will not go to the doctor, her sister offered to go along with her as well but she has stopped talking to her much now.

I have also had the thought that there might be someone else, maybe not even right now but somewhere in the pipeline for soon.

I think once the weekend is over it will work two ways, I wont be seeing her as much (if at all as most child swaps are before/after school I think). That will give me some kind of closure but also could leave me wondering all night long if she misses me as much as I miss her

I am just lost at the moment.
Thanks all.

The difficulty with arguing is it can become exhausting, and the only way round this is compromise by both parties, and thats usually the stumbling block.

It does sound to me that she is in denial, shutting people out, and running away.
I don't know what else you can do as the ball's in her court and she has to admit she needs help before that process can begin.

Leave the door open, because it's easier to come in if its not locked.

You will feel lost, your head will be all over the place, that's perfectly understandable, so don't beat yourself up about it. It's not a sign of weakness at all.
If i were you I'd spend the weekend in the company of some good friends so you are not alone.
All the very best to you and I really hope it works out

 

[czechmate]

Thanks all.

I have tried to get out for walks to chat but all she thinks will happen is we will run over the same things again and again as we have been doing for the past month on and off. As recently as Christmas we were planning a weekend away (just the two of us) as a present to each other. I suggested we still do that but she no longer wants to. She thinks that we would just end up arguing and going over the same thing again and again. Yesterday we went for a walk and just chatted, about her work and the kids and then a little bit about the logistics of her impending move (which is this weekend ).

I feel awful for even suggesting it is anything other than a change in her heart and her feelings for me but everyone I speak to feels the same, that it is not her, she isnt being like the woman I love and marry in some ways and there are points that I can see online that point towards it possibly being depression. I have suggested it to her but she will not go to the doctor, her sister offered to go along with her as well but she has stopped talking to her much now.

I have also had the thought that there might be someone else, maybe not even right now but somewhere in the pipeline for soon.

I think once the weekend is over it will work two ways, I wont be seeing her as much (if at all as most child swaps are before/after school I think). That will give me some kind of closure but also could leave me wondering all night long if she misses me as much as I miss her

I am just lost at the moment.

Thanks all.

All the best for the weekend, it won't be easy but just remember one way or another, things will get better

 

[gatepost]

Good to hear that you are helping the better halves of your life through a difficult time.

I am struggling myself at the moment, my wife of 7 years has recently sprung the bombshell on me that she doesnt feel the same about me as she did and is leaving, we have 3 children and have been together for 10 years now. The family living side of things hasnt been easy, we moved into the farmhouse and my parents moved into a newly built annex for them which was meant to be short lived. Anyway, long story short 4 years later they were still there, we felt we had no privacy and couldnt change the house to how we wanted as they were right there on top of us. I made the decision that we were going to do something about it and that is when the bombshell moment hit. She doesnt want me to uproot myself and doesnt feel the same about me, I still wanted to go with her but she seems to have had her mind made up, and despite my thoughts that if I went and something changed about our situation we had found ourselves in then who knows how she might feel, she came it from the angle that she cant see anything changing and if in 3 or 4 months she still feels the same as she does now it will have been for nothing and it would cause more problems with the kids.

She has in the past had depression, PND was very bad and she said at the time she nearly left me and our new baby but then found help and got onto medication and was OK. I have suggested it could be something similar that is making her thoughts go down the road she is but she will not accept the idea at all. I have looked online at telltale signs for depression and can almost tick them all off but she point blank refuses to consider it and says she knows what depression feels like and she hasnt got it. I am deperate for some kind of answers to it all, even if it was just to put my mind at ease that it isnt that which is forcing the way she feels to be different to if she was OK in herself. A few months back she did mention going back onto medication but decided against it.

She has shut off anyone who has told her that she should take things slowly and not rush about leaving, even her family. I am at my whits end, I dont want her to leave without me as I love her to pieces, I have tried to go to a marriage guidance councellor but she wont even go with me there (we did have one session but she will only go back to "support me" not to talk about us or what went wrong). Even if it was just so that we (or just I) could see where it happened and understand better how she feels it is such a lost cause.

I am up and down like yoyo, one minute I think we are OK, getting along better, seem to be having the odd "moment" then the next im lost, crying into my cornflakes like a small child.

She has a house sorted and is moving out at the weekend, I am hoping that it will give me some space to clear my head but somehow I cant see it.

Has anyone any experience or help for this kind of situation?

Yes, sorry to hear your going through it. Mine never actually left, but threatened too, have been left in no doubt that feelings weren't the same as before, she was obviously very depressed after both 2nd and more badly after 3rd child, only got her to the doc once, after 4yrs, It's a rotten place to be for both, and you feel like your world has collapsed, I can't say it gets better, you eventually stop thinking about it ,and what you can do, all the time. 20yrs on, well there's not much chat or companionship, I still wonder if I would have been better off if we had split up, But the extra feelings of rejection would have been catastrophic for her at that time, and then I look at the kids, all grown up and getting on with life, and well It's not been pleasant but worth it. only consolation there a lot out there in the same position, all the best.

 

[troubled]

Yes, sorry to hear your going through it. Mine never actually left, but threatened too, have been left in no doubt that feelings weren't the same as before, she was obviously very depressed after both 2nd and more badly after 3rd child, only got her to the doc once, after 4yrs, It's a rotten place to be for both, and you feel like your world has collapsed, I can't say it gets better, you eventually stop thinking about it ,and what you can do, all the time. 20yrs on, well there's not much chat or companionship, I still wonder if I would have been better off if we had split up, But the extra feelings of rejection would have been catastrophic for her at that time, and then I look at the kids, all grown up and getting on with life, and well It's not been pleasant but worth it. only consolation there a lot out there in the same position, all the best.

I'd give anything for it to be a threat right now, just to give me the chance to get back to what we were

 

[gatepost]

I'd give anything for it to be a threat right now, just to give me the chance to get back to what we were

The only thing I can add which may have helped a bit, was to keep talking (I never to this day have ever got a reply or response) but I just said that I would try anything and so should she, because in years to come I had to be able to stand in front of my kids, look them straight in the eye and tell them that I had tried every thing to keep their family together, and once you have decided to have kids your first responsibility is to them, not your own feelings. and you cannot run away from depression.

 

[troubled]

The only thing I can add which may have helped a bit, was to keep talking (I never to this day have ever got a reply or response) but I just said that I would try anything and so should she, because in years to come I had to be able to stand in front of my kids, look them straight in the eye and tell them that I had tried every thing to keep their family together, and once you have decided to have kids your first responsibility is to them, not your own feelings. and you cannot run away from depression.

I've been trying to talk, and tbh I don't think we will ever stop talking but the way we talk will maybe never be the same again.

 

[gatepost]

There does come a point when you have to address the effect this all has on your own mental state, In the end every situation is different even if the underlying cause is the same, I just stood back one day (after one bad round of will you go to the doc? NO begger off and mind your own!) and told her as an adult she had to take responsibility for her illness and get help, not just lay it on everyone else. After that, just a case of I'll help you but for my own sanity this is what I am doing you get on with it. There is a good little book on depression you can pick up out of the rack in some chemists, I left it lying about.

 

[Christoph1945]

Troubled,

I understood, perhaps mistakenly, that your partner said she would go to see a councillor for you. Maybe that could be a way for the two of you to make some progress.