Family farming and living arrangements and all that goes with it

[Matt]

So how many on here ) the younger generation) manage to get on in close proximity to living with parents. EG under same roof but connecting door.
Ive a 2 year old boy and another on the way with my other half, And sometimes it drives me batcrap crazy not having no privacy.
There has been times when we have been having our evening meal after the other half has been working and my mum comes down and tries to engage with the boy and then gets distracted from eating.
i just really struggle with it and i end up voicing my views at some point and then i get it thrown at me that they feel they are not wanted around here and the such.
I just find it really hard to cope with it.
Along with the fact if it wasnt for my other half on a decent wage i wouldnt have any money as havent had any wages as getting the farm, but that might change with they are finally getting a partnership drawn up.

Just find it quite a struggle on times with working with them and living with them.

 

[spin cycle]

just a tough time m8.....young family...starting out...it'll come right i'm sure

 

[Little squeak]

don't rely on this bit

havent had any wages as getting the farm,

 

[melted welly]

So how many on here ) the younger generation) manage to get on in close proximity to living with parents. EG under same roof but connecting door.
Ive a 2 year old boy and another on the way with my other half, And sometimes it drives me batcrap crazy not having no privacy.
There has been times when we have been having our evening meal after the other half has been working and my mum comes down and tries to engage with the boy and then gets distracted from eating.
i just really struggle with it and i end up voicing my views at some point and then i get it thrown at me that they feel they are not wanted around here and the such.
I just find it really hard to cope with it.
Along with the fact if it wasnt for my other half on a decent wage i wouldnt have any money as havent had any wages as getting the farm, but that might change with they are finally getting a partnership drawn up.

Just find it quite a struggle on times with working with them and living with them.

Feel for you, sharing an office is enough for me, suffocating some days.

as said already, don’t rely on “getting” anything, better being paid a wage. Have you any siblings?

 

[Matt]

Feel for you, sharing an office is enough for me, suffocating some days.

as said already, don’t rely on “getting” anything, better being paid a wage. Have you any siblings?

yes i do, which she has a decent paid professional job.

 

[farmerdan7618]

I live across the road from my parents, and have a very strict rule that they must knock and be let in like everyone else does, it is not their house after all.
Little sister living in a different house, similar distance from parents and hasn't had the same rule is struggling with mother walking in there all the time.

 

[Kidds]

yes i do, which she has a decent paid professional job.

And when the time comes she will ask for and get half of the farm. With no other concrete arrangement in place there is no reason why she shouldn't.

 

[melted welly]

yes i do, which she has a decent paid professional job.

Make sure you’re going fwd with your eyes wide open, ask plenty questions especially the awkward ones.

as for relationship with parents, I managed 6months living in same house and working at home. try and not let it get to the point where you lose your top. Try and nip the behaviour in the bud as it happens. Not in a mean way, just matter of fact, then when you get the guilt trip, call it out for what it is. Do it calmly and concisely, and be consistent, ask them how they would feel in the situation, handle it like parenting the 2 yr old!

I think it’s hard for them to accept that their children aren’t children anymore and some struggle to break the pattern of helicopter parenting or to really recognise that the kids are grown up capable adults. I suppose it also maybe means them accepting that they are turning into the old infirm seniors that they may remember their parents as.

Don’t alienate them, if you’ve 1 young kid with another on the way then it’s an ideal time/excuse to change routines and you may find you’re glad of the help. Especially as you’ll be entering another long period of sleep deprivation.

As your eldest becomes more independent, actively encourage more days away with grandparents, sleepovers etc, send them thru when your parents are having their meals. Or with noisy toys when the news is on. Weaponise the children!!

seriously tho, however annoying it may feel, be grateful that there’s the level of interest in your kid (and yourselves) there and try to use it for the better.

 

[Chae1]

Listen to the above. We have a couple of grandparents that couldn't care less about there grandchildren. Or children.

Your lucky they actually care and try to be involved.

 

[ImLost]

I used to work full time in an office with my old man, was a big office and most of the time he forgot I was there. When he did remember however, we did each others heads in! And lived with the parents too.
I now work in a tiny office with my brother and we get on fine (most of the time!) but then I don't live with him. My "real work" isn't agricultural related, but I think it makes it even harder being stuck in an office.

Oh, and don't get me started on family deciding what you will be paid and when....

I do still live with the parents a lot of the time, and we generally get on well because I am so flat out busy we don't actually see much of each other, but it can very quickly turn sour if we are stuck inside together for some reason. We all love each other dearly, but when you know that whatever happens someone will still be there for you, it's almost like everyone is more free to vent their feelings, which can cause some serious tension!

I'm not sure if this post is any help at all, but you aren't the only one. I'm being patient, I have what I call my "exit plan" to work towards running my life in general a bit more independently, whilst being kind and respecting the fact that the family have given me a lot of help and support.

 

[honeyend]

My grown up children have now left home, but when they were here we lived separately, they have their own room/bathroom and unless it was a family meal bought and cooked their own food, they had their own lives and didn't have to fit in with ours. We actually built our house so there are separate zones, so if they came back we could all share without getting each other's way, with just one communal area. I think it's hard for mums to let go, them spend twenty plus years feeding you and generally looking after you, and then they feel redundant.
Not getting a wage would worry me, there is the pension aspect, and NI to think about, the whole virus thing has made it important that you have a record of earnings so you get support if needed.
My mother who was an excellent mother was a rubbish grandmother, I think it was because her mum had seven children, and she just was too tired to be bothered with grandchildren, so my mum only wanted them when there was an opportunity to show them off, but was of no practical help. Perhaps if you gave them a 'job' they would be less likely to interfere. I know my friend who regularly baby sits for her children has been grateful to lock down and its given her so much more free time, I get the feeling that she will be reluctant to be so available again.

 

[deleted user 837354]

If it was me, I would happily have my parents (or the in laws who I actually get on with better than my parents in some ways) living on the premises in an attached annex. Wouldn't bother me the slightest. Good to have them involved with the grand kids, keeps them occupied without with they just senescence and fade away if you ask me.
There is also the ever present problem of old folks issues, for example: 'I've run out of heating oil' or, 'the broadband won't work', 'can you help me with this computer/Ipad thingy?'. Better to have them next door than 2 or 20 miles away as it's just a PITA.

I've seen plenty enough old folks who have spent their old age living alone and with zip all family contact. It is one thing to end up in a care home which will be the fate of many of us, but it would be a terrible shame for families to lose all connection with their elders merely because life got in the way.

So long as I had privacy in my own bedroom and office I wouldn't care a monkeys. I mean that in all honesty despite the fact that some times the old man and I seem to gel like acid and alkali. Deep down I know he means well but he knows exactly what buttons to push sometimes and he can't help it.

 

[Red Fred]

Having a wife and little'un is an achievement in many farming families- Many times you see folks who life has passed by because they have been kept under the threat/promise of the family farm and have been unable to find a partner who would put up with the situation. To them I would say "Go forth and multiply before it is too late!"

 

[DartmoorEwe]

I feel your pain Matt. We're in a similar situation (but no children) but here the older generation is getting frail and OH's mum died last year. She'd just walk in, day or night and ask us if we were OK and if we needed anything doing. If we locked the door she'd phone. On one occasion, I was sat in the bedroom after a shower (in my birthday suit) she came in and chatted as if nothing was amiss. She bought me a top once, for Christmas, I said "how did you chose the colour?" She said she went through my drawers and saw that I had a top the same colour. We had no privacy, no secrets and I miss her.

Its too late for succession planning here as dad is too old to change. Its not too late for you. If your folks are not able to change then perhaps you are?

 

[Farmer_Joe]

if you dont get a proper wage you need to go else where the amount of grief ive read on here with things not going to plan with the farm in peoples will etc dont bare thinking about, you need a fair wage for the work you do, then if you dont get the farm you have not wasted a lifetime... as plenty of other have...

what they gonna do with farm if you go get a job as a limo driver, they cant hold you hostage on the fact they may or may not happen one day...

i had a 'proper' job for years and only retuned when i was asked to, another friend the same age did the same, this way we got proper wages and partnership involvement as you are properly valued.

 

[kiwi pom]

So how many on here ) the younger generation) manage to get on in close proximity to living with parents. EG under same roof but connecting door.
Ive a 2 year old boy and another on the way with my other half, And sometimes it drives me batcrap crazy not having no privacy.
There has been times when we have been having our evening meal after the other half has been working and my mum comes down and tries to engage with the boy and then gets distracted from eating.
i just really struggle with it and i end up voicing my views at some point and then i get it thrown at me that they feel they are not wanted around here and the such.
I just find it really hard to cope with it.
Along with the fact if it wasnt for my other half on a decent wage i wouldnt have any money as havent had any wages as getting the farm, but that might change with they are finally getting a partnership drawn up.

Just find it quite a struggle on times with working with them and living with them.

Are you both working full time? A 2 year old and one on the way would involve a lot of child care, do your parents provide this?

As for the no money but one day all this will be yours thing, as others have said be very careful. You're still young enough to do your own thing. Assume nothing, your sister will almost certainly require something out of the farm at some stage.
This forum is full of very sad tales involving farm succession, please don't be another one.

I'd say run for your life and do your own thing, the farm will still be there but I'm not a farmer so maybe best to ignore me.

 

[daveydiesel1]

Farmin with family can be tough. I love farmin mostly but dread days i have to work with me da drives me nuts. I used to get no proper wages just few quid here and there but realised i needed somethin regular when i got engaged so started milk. Id suggest have a talk with ur parents tell them ther more than welcome in ur home but get ground rules like when ur finished at night u need ur peace but keep calm and dont let it turn into an arguement. Get somethin sorted money wise as in a steady wage or part ownership that u get ur share out of. Its not fair on ur wife to earn all the money and this will get to her. This is my advice but its easier said than done and family is difficult. Also get that sorted about this is gonna be yours

 

[teslacoils]

If it's a pain for you, your Mrs must fing hate it. Get a wage. Pay them rent. Otherwise me be out.

Avoid a "fff". That's Family Farming f**kabout. We all know them. Stuff on the back of an envelope. Doing xyz to save tax. It's all rubbish designed to kick stuff down the kerb. Promise of jam tomorrow doesn't cut it when the kids need shoes.

Get something sorted, or it will be sh!t for ever.

 

[Matt]

Firstly thank you for your replies.
so to reply to a few comments and maybe get some perspective on things
I do want my folks around been interested in the childrens up bringing.
Other half has a professional job, be it working from home on her computer doing it 3 and three quarter days a week. which means her time to enjoy doing stuff with the boy outside of meal times and getting ready for bed is limited.

Admittedly covid 19 hasnt helped as there have been times when we have been waiting for covid tests as if the boy shows any symptoms he cant go to childminders untill all clear.
Also my time with him when im busy is limited too. sometimes i wont see him apart from breakfast and tea time, and mum coming in then jacks me off a bit.

Tbh a full proper wage isnt a big deal for me, as long as i am not reliant fully on the other half or have to ask folks if i want some money.

I just never seem to get that balance of peace from them.

I think that the best way to describe it is that they dont seem very gracious or considerate to how things might be for me and my other half.
It may be that this comes over that im been a bit of a T**T, but its the simple trivial things that get to me, such as when the building work was going on with the house to make it so it could be 2 seperate living ends, even tho mum and dad claimed it was a partnership they never spoke to me about the costs and I am the one that does all the paperwork. when ever i moaned about this i was told well its all for me one day. the only day ill get that money back is the day its sold. its not like a bull or something.
I had to beg and really get my arse out for the builder to come and do the work on mine and my other halfs end of the house before the baby arrived, as mum and dad kept giving him more jobs instead of letting him do what we needed to do then go back to them.
and to this day mum still hasnt moved her stuff out of what is supposed to be what we call the dairy where our small freezer is, which still has one of mums and alot of her stuff.
even to the point that the small bit of lawn
Now dont get me wrong if they had little room for a freezer or little garden then no issue but when they have 2 out houses, one which was supposed to be the farm office which is now storing stuff. and one big lawn, to be told that they wanted to split the small lawn we were supposed to have which would of resulted either the OH parking on the yard or having to walk through their garden to get to our side. sucked a bit.
some may not get what i mean or this make sense, but its these small things that get to me which we have had to battle for, and still are ongoing to make mine and the other halfs life a bit easier which effects how you feel day to day.

If the only thing comes from this i know that i do not want my son to be having these same feelings when he is in my shoes.

 

[Matt]

If it's a pain for you, your Mrs must fing hate it. Get a wage. Pay them rent. Otherwise me be out.

Avoid a "fff". That's Family Farming fudgeabout. We all know them. Stuff on the back of an envelope. Doing xyz to save tax. It's all rubbish designed to kick stuff down the kerb. Promise of jam tomorrow doesn't cut it when the kids need shoes.

Get something sorted, or it will be sh!t for ever.

well getting a official partnership agrement sorted slowly so hopefully it will get is sorted.
Whilst im probably in a better situation than most, like i said the trivial stuff can make it hard to feel that way.