Guide to workshop tools

[Dman2]

TOOLS EXPLAINED
DRILL PRESS : A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL : Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh*t'
ANGLE GRINDER : A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS : Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER : An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW : One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
MOLE-GRIPS : Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXY-ACETYLENE TORCH : Used almost entirely for setting on fire various flammable objects in your shop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..
TABLE SAW : A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK : Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW : A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST : A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER : Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER : A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
PRY BAR : A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50p part.
HOSE CUTTER : A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER : Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
STANLEY KNIFE : Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
ADJUSTABLE SPANNER: aka "Another hammer", aka "the Swedish Nut Lathe", aka "Crescent Wrench". Commonly used as a one size fits all wrench, usually results in rounding off nut heads before the use of pliers. Will randomly adjust size between bolts, resulting in busted knuckles, curse words, and multiple threats to any inanimate objects within the immediate vicinity.
barsteward TOOL : Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'barsteward' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

 

[TechWise]

A few additions if I may...
SCREW EXTRACTOR: Device which may be hammered into broken bolts before snapping off, thereby giving the bolt a hardened steel core and making it impossible to drill out.
PIPE WRENCH/STILLSONS: Similar principle to the mole grips, but can have a bar slid over the handle to round even the very largest of nuts.
POZIDRIVE SCREWDRIVER: Usually employed soon after a Phillips screwdriver has been used to destroy an otherwise intact pozidrive screw, leading to the insistence that pozidrive screws are the enemy.
MAGDRILL: Used to make intricate swirly patterns on otherwise flat pieces of metal after it slips and propels itself across the workpiece.
CORDLESS DRILL: Used to break good drill bits that could have enjoyed a long and happy life in the drill press.
IMPACT WRENCH: Used to retighten wheel studs that you previously complained were too tight, thereby continuing the cycle of despair.
TAPERED PUNCH: Similar to the screw extractor, in that it can be hammered into small holes before snapping off.
BANDSAW: Training aid used to test patience and true faith. Features dozens of adjustments and levers and knobs. Legend has it that the chosen one will one day reveal the combination required to make it cut square.

 

[TheTallGuy]

BENCH: most workshops will have at least one. It will usually be found hiding under piles of random stuff that were placed there for a perfectly reasonable & logical reason that you just can't quite remember. No matter how careful you are in the selection of your bench it will always be too big, too small, too high, too low, too heavy or too flimsy for whatever task you have in hand.

WELDER: used for creating artistic representations of pigeon poo masquerading as a solid joint between two pieces of metal. Come in several forms: Arc/MMA relies on rods that are of the wrong size or type & despite best efforts will always be too damp, MIG/MAG/GMAW uses wire that is usually found in the form of a birds nest between the feed rollers and the start of the liner, finally TIG where you spend more time grinding the tungsten tip than welding because you can't hold the torch steady enough to avoid dipping into the weld pool. Both MIG & TIG rely on gas bottles that will generally be empty just as you are getting the hang of things or approaching a critical point.

AUTOMATIC CENTRE PUNCH: used prior to drilling for making a small dent almost exactly where you don't want it; even when it is on target the dimple is too small & the drill wanders off to make a hole somewhere entirely different.

DRILLING PASTE: lubricant that you either can't find, forget to use or just can't be bothered with. On the occasions when it is used, it randomly deposits itself anywhere except where it would be useful - including on hands & clothing to remind you why you don't normally bother with it.

CHUCK KEY: always located in a location other than where you last put it down. Clever minds have tried to solve this issue by attaching them to the relevant too with string, but that just makes both the key & the chuck sulk & refuse to work full stop. At some point a workpiece will become entangled with this string resulting in the key once again becoming free to play hide & seek.

TEA/COFFEE MUG: a versatile device normally used for holding refreshments, but often used in the process of cleaning brushes or holding screwdrivers and small parts that you've forgotten all about & replaced. When used in refreshment mode will usually attract one or a combination of flies, swarf, dust, grinding debris or that spring that's just unexpectedly ejected itself from whatever is in you hand giving you the dilemma of whether to drain the mug by drinking or by tipping it in the sink & thus washing the spring down the drain. These mugs have well known suicidal tendencies & are often found perched close to the edge of the bench/shelf/vice.

LATHE: a tool to remind you that diameter is 2x radius - after you've taken the cut. Excellent device for launching chuck keys into low earth orbit, or failing that to embed them into somewhere particularly fleshy or to break windows.

RUBBER GLOVES: boxes of these will inhabit many workshops, but remain hidden, only popping into view once hands are already encrusted with grease & grime.

HAND WASH: empty bottle/pot by the sink.

CHAINSAW: a tool with many uses, the first of which is for exercising your arm trying to start it until you realise that the fuel tank is empty or full of stale fuel & so now is the cylinder. Chain sharpness is tested by gouging the end of your thumb - if blood isn't released it's not sharp. Once operational is excellent for removal of limbs - often those of the operator assuming that they haven't already suffocated from the fumes.

VERNIER CALIPERS: used for scoring lines on hard materials, opening cardboard packages or use as an adjustable spanner (see above). If used as a measuring device it reminds you that your eyesight is shite & you need to go to the opticians, fancy electronic ones remind use the one size of battery that you don't have any spares of, once you have obtained a replacement battery the original one returns to life & reminds you about your eyesight.

STANLEY KNIFE (additional note): perfect device for creating unwanted lacerations in the operator's hand. The blade will usually be contaminated with various combinations of adhesives, paints & various moulds & bacteria resulting in severe infection of the wound.

ALLEN WRENCH/KEY: excellent tool for rounding off the internal corners of cap head bolts, alternatively rounding off it's own corners. 4mm keys have magical powers enabling them to become invisible when they are required. Allen keys can also be applied to Torx head screws - especially with the aid of a Birmingham Screwdriver - either way it will invariably remove those nasty pointy bits in the screw head.

ELECTRICAL/INSULATING TAPE: used for binding together various forms of gash & lacerations generated by any of the above.