CharcoalWally
Member
- Location
- West of Scotland
Forget it. And forget it for good. It's over.
Wife seeks professional experienced farmer for……..
- Thread starter onefineday
- Start date
- Location
- Ceredigion, wales
This is the flip side of the op's post. You weren't willing to put the hours in on the farm and left. The empire crumbled. There must be a middle way somewhere inbetween working 24/7 and walking away? A lot of younger farmers these days seem to have found that middle ground and achieve a good work / life balance. It's just the old timers that don't seem to get it but they were bought up in that sh!t or bust era.
- Location
- Ceredigion, wales
I wasn't knocking you @Pasty I was merely saying that it shouldn't have to be that way.
Baling Hay
Member
I know EXACTLY what you mean!!!!!!
- Location
- Ceredigion, wales
I bet there are two sides to that story too?
Netherfield
Member
- Location
- West Yorkshire
- Location
- Leicestershire
This. I know how miserable my Nan was that she never got to go on holiday or even days out with my Grandpa, he worked all hours of all days. I'm doing all I can to not let that happen to me. I take Sundays off after checking the sheep. Except at lambing time. Try to get a few weekends away every year as well as a proper holiday or two. My girlfriend is very good to me and always helps if I need it but it's a two way street, so I try to do things with her just as much.
- Location
- North Somerset.
There are also those in relationships ( mainly men) who use work as an excuse not to be at home to put the kids to bed or 'enjoy' domestic bliss. 'Working late at the office, pub on the way home from work, had a job to finish'
We have all heard or used those excuses I suspect so, at the risk of being contentious, does the man who is the subject of this thread appear to enjoy contact with his kids? or is he hidng from his responsibilities and using work as an excuse?
If so this is not likely to end well.
We have all heard or used those excuses I suspect so, at the risk of being contentious, does the man who is the subject of this thread appear to enjoy contact with his kids? or is he hidng from his responsibilities and using work as an excuse?
If so this is not likely to end well.
Baling Hay
Member
Shep
Member
- Location
- The Orchard County
Mine the exact same. Hes been waiting for the past 80 years for everyone to go bust cos everyone is doing it wrong. Yet he never made a bean himself, he didn't need to because mum worked out and kept us, which he dissaproved of and tried to stop her on various occasions. We were supposed to live on thin air, wouldnt even pay for the turkey at Christmas. Talk about mental health!
What about you doing things like days out with your children but without himself? Not nice and far from ideal, but at least you're nkt all sitting at home waiting for him to come home. You can make happy memories with your children and they'll know that you are there for them, and when they are grown up they'll have happy times to look back on. If he's not part of those memories that is not your fault. Obviously talking and trying to get him on board is by far the best, but sadly not always possible.
Maybe if he came home to an empty house a few times it might wake him up, especially if it was a few days in a row.
Cinema trips and beach trips are good to do, especially in you can bring someone to share the load on the beach (eg to mind the bags etc while you go to the loo or for ice creams, etc).
In the long run you have to put yourself and your children first. If he changes his ways then great, but be prepared for that not to happen.
Message me if you like
Maybe if he came home to an empty house a few times it might wake him up, especially if it was a few days in a row.
Cinema trips and beach trips are good to do, especially in you can bring someone to share the load on the beach (eg to mind the bags etc while you go to the loo or for ice creams, etc).
In the long run you have to put yourself and your children first. If he changes his ways then great, but be prepared for that not to happen.
Message me if you like
- Location
- Lincolnshire
Difficult one.
I can keep myself busy on 100 acres as there is always something to do.
But you have to just leave stuff and have a day off per week at least.
If stuff is so urgent that you cant have a day off per week then you need to ditch some of it or take on staff or use a contractor . Preferably a self employed man who can do Saturdays or Sundays alternately or whatever. Easier to let go if it doesn't work out.
800 acres is a lot as far as I am concerned especially with stock. Do you really need the FBT's? I wouldn't touch one with a barge pole. They will keep you busy alright but I don't reckon they are big payers. You need help at lambing time definitely.
Working yourself into the ground isn't clever. It will make you less productive. You wont be able to think properly and will spend a lot of time in "headless chicken" mode busy getting nothing done.
Easy for us to say. Not so easy for the OP. I wish them the best. Take it steady, don't be hasty. Try to talk things through.
I can keep myself busy on 100 acres as there is always something to do.
But you have to just leave stuff and have a day off per week at least.
If stuff is so urgent that you cant have a day off per week then you need to ditch some of it or take on staff or use a contractor . Preferably a self employed man who can do Saturdays or Sundays alternately or whatever. Easier to let go if it doesn't work out.
800 acres is a lot as far as I am concerned especially with stock. Do you really need the FBT's? I wouldn't touch one with a barge pole. They will keep you busy alright but I don't reckon they are big payers. You need help at lambing time definitely.
Working yourself into the ground isn't clever. It will make you less productive. You wont be able to think properly and will spend a lot of time in "headless chicken" mode busy getting nothing done.
Easy for us to say. Not so easy for the OP. I wish them the best. Take it steady, don't be hasty. Try to talk things through.
multi power
Member
- Location
- pembrokeshire
That's obviously my dad you are referring to
Keepers
Member
- Location
- South West
I've not read the whole thread but let's face it, if a farming operation of that size can't afford a bit of weekend cover...... They're doing something wrong!!!
- Location
- Ceredigion
The farm is is running his life and yours .I was like that until I had a heart attack. From that day I saw life differently .
A very thought provoking post. You are obviously very fed up with the situation with this shout for help and you have my sympathies.
I'm not really qualified to give proper advice and am sort of reluctant to say anything but as you have asked, I have a few thoughts.
I believe it's called work/life balance these days and the young entrants in my profession are very keen on it. Maybe a little too much these days because you can only get back what you put in - any job/industry.
I'm in an allied but different Industry to farming (though from farming family and now farm on a small scale myself) and you could have been descibing me in my 20's and 30's. I thought Work gave me my identity. Very long hours and very frequent after hours work on call. Other parents at school used to joke my wife had an imaginary husband.
It doesn't help that I'm an introvert and tend to avoid gatherings especially of people I don't know or have little in common with. I think that is often a complicating factor for workaholics- they'd rather be hiding at work.
Selfish is the wrong word.
Family is different from social but also more accommodating, your kids will forgive him probably more than you do. Mine, now in 20's, seem to have forgiven me the absences when they were primary school age and I have a great relationship with both. We have used family holiday once a year well even though it's only a week and annual significant events- birthdays, Xmas to ensure we spend time together. Your OH probably talks/spends more time with them than you think he does, even a little chat or while watching TV together at home when he is there.
I've very often felt sorry for my wife and extremely guilty for my behaviour. I now work a lot less and am more selective of the work I do but part of that is a result from economies of scale we have now in the business which are a result of the hard yards run earlier on. More staff from bigger business enables me more time, more management hassle, but you can do that on the phone. It could be so for you.
Perhaps 'seeing' your stake grow makes it easier for all to see the benefit and you should maybe talk to the in laws about your family share/stake and succession. You may feel more a part of what's going on. It really helped us when my wife started working in my business even in a very part time role once our kids went to high school. She left her other job to do so, though mine was the much better paid so perhaps it's not relevant to your situation. You don't detail how many mouths the farming business feeds - brothers, sisters families etc. It reads a reasonable scale though.
I don't think there is a generic answer and every circumstance will be different as will the personalities involved. What I've learned though is open honest dialogue and communication is fundamental in any relationship - husbands, in laws, business partners.
Your well expressed post is a good starting point to discuss things with the OH but I would be very wary of being overly critical, as if he is anything like me, he will just withdraw from the issue. More of a 'we are at this point, do we both want to be and how can we improve it' start may be best.
It will require compromise on both sides to find the middle ground to go forward. I really hope it works out for you and all concerned.
I'm not really qualified to give proper advice and am sort of reluctant to say anything but as you have asked, I have a few thoughts.
I believe it's called work/life balance these days and the young entrants in my profession are very keen on it. Maybe a little too much these days because you can only get back what you put in - any job/industry.
I'm in an allied but different Industry to farming (though from farming family and now farm on a small scale myself) and you could have been descibing me in my 20's and 30's. I thought Work gave me my identity. Very long hours and very frequent after hours work on call. Other parents at school used to joke my wife had an imaginary husband.
It doesn't help that I'm an introvert and tend to avoid gatherings especially of people I don't know or have little in common with. I think that is often a complicating factor for workaholics- they'd rather be hiding at work.
Selfish is the wrong word.
Family is different from social but also more accommodating, your kids will forgive him probably more than you do. Mine, now in 20's, seem to have forgiven me the absences when they were primary school age and I have a great relationship with both. We have used family holiday once a year well even though it's only a week and annual significant events- birthdays, Xmas to ensure we spend time together. Your OH probably talks/spends more time with them than you think he does, even a little chat or while watching TV together at home when he is there.
I've very often felt sorry for my wife and extremely guilty for my behaviour. I now work a lot less and am more selective of the work I do but part of that is a result from economies of scale we have now in the business which are a result of the hard yards run earlier on. More staff from bigger business enables me more time, more management hassle, but you can do that on the phone. It could be so for you.
Perhaps 'seeing' your stake grow makes it easier for all to see the benefit and you should maybe talk to the in laws about your family share/stake and succession. You may feel more a part of what's going on. It really helped us when my wife started working in my business even in a very part time role once our kids went to high school. She left her other job to do so, though mine was the much better paid so perhaps it's not relevant to your situation. You don't detail how many mouths the farming business feeds - brothers, sisters families etc. It reads a reasonable scale though.
I don't think there is a generic answer and every circumstance will be different as will the personalities involved. What I've learned though is open honest dialogue and communication is fundamental in any relationship - husbands, in laws, business partners.
Your well expressed post is a good starting point to discuss things with the OH but I would be very wary of being overly critical, as if he is anything like me, he will just withdraw from the issue. More of a 'we are at this point, do we both want to be and how can we improve it' start may be best.
It will require compromise on both sides to find the middle ground to go forward. I really hope it works out for you and all concerned.
- Location
- South Wales UK
It's one big cycle .
You try and get on top with all against you -you want to do the best for all and end up doing nothing -the years fly by and everything goes on .
People got different expectations .
Would everybody be happy selling up and live in the street .
The man wants on thing the Women something different .
Divorce will drive the work and farm to an end mentally and financially.
The "blood suckers"will end up the best off.
Really sorry for the kids also .
Big Circle .
Not good - your dammed what ever you do .
You try and get on top with all against you -you want to do the best for all and end up doing nothing -the years fly by and everything goes on .
People got different expectations .
Would everybody be happy selling up and live in the street .
The man wants on thing the Women something different .
Divorce will drive the work and farm to an end mentally and financially.
The "blood suckers"will end up the best off.
Really sorry for the kids also .
Big Circle .
Not good - your dammed what ever you do .
You're a right ray of sunshine @Still Farming. Additionally, I don't agree with you, always a solution if there's a will to find it.
- Location
- Ceredigion