Dealing with depression - suicidal thoughts - Join the conversation (including helpline details)

czechmate

Member
Mixed Farmer
Why do we have these stupid “days”?

tbh, I wouldn’t of known it was “Father’s Day” if one of my three hadn’t sent me a greeting.
As they say, you reap what you sow. No better illustration. It’s true, due to the catastrophic relationship with my ex that I wasn’t able to be the parent I would of liked - but I didn’t think that bad.
Time over again; way up there as a top priority “can do better”
 
How so m8?

Just a flying visit, will be back this evening and looking forward to reading your post,
Everything has been stacking up lately I guess. I don't work in farming full time atm, so work in an office job which drives me insane, but needs must hey ?
Bosses (who are family, make of that what you will) not happy with me because I'm "not working to my full capacity" no check on how well someone is coping.
Then tb testing yesterday and the cows played up big time. Long story short, one ends up on the main road. Fortunately its a tame one, not one of the crazy beggars back in the field. Once we had her back in I noticed something was up with her.
She was due to calve sometime soon and has bagged up a lot over the last few days, so I was worried the stress had started her calving. Sure enough, down there this morning and she has a nose sticking out the back end. Got a halter on her and some extra help to hold her. I can barely get my hand in as she isn't properly dilated. The calf is obviously dead. Eventually find the front hooves, calf twisted sideways. No way the calf is coming out and I really didn't want to do more harm than good. Quick call to the vet "no problem, we'll have someone down soon" 5 minutes later they call back "someone on the way, but I need to take payment now" I'm stood in the middle of a field, shite and blood etc up to my elbows, phone on loudspeaker balanced on a fence post with a cow desperately straining away next to me. I had to take a long deep breath before I could come up with a semi polite reply/explanation as to why it really wasnt convenient to be making a payment right now!!
Vet arrives and he has the calf out in no time. I'm glad I use an extremely easy calving bull for all my cows and heifers. "yes it looks like stress related abortion, no bleeding etc, should be good to breed again in future etc etc"
It would have been the most lovely heifer calve, out of an extremely special heifer. I'm usually told Im too harsh and cold a person, but this kind of thing makes me want to cry like a child or throw up. The heifer had the most beautiful white heart shape on its forehead and looked exactly the same as another heifer I lost 2 years ago who was very special too.

Anyway, just reread that and I'm not sure how much sense it all makes! It's one thing after another here atm, with minimal support. I suppose what doesn't kill you makes you stronger... But I really don't feel strong any more.
 

Juggler

Member
Location
North Wales
@ImLost Losing stock of any kind is devastating, when it happens on top of other stuff you've got going on it can really bring you down, I sympathise, I was never very good at accepting a lost calf, or lamb or anything.
One mantra I keep telling myself over and over at times like this is 'This too shall pass' sounds biblical, but it's just the truth, no matter how good or how bad a time you're having, it wont last, just remember that and keep reminding yourself to get you through the low spots.
I hope you feel better soon, take care of yourself.
 

Bury the Trash

Member
Mixed Farmer
Everything has been stacking up lately I guess. I don't work in farming full time atm, so work in an office job which drives me insane, but needs must hey ?
Bosses (who are family, make of that what you will) not happy with me because I'm "not working to my full capacity" no check on how well someone is coping.
Then tb testing yesterday and the cows played up big time. Long story short, one ends up on the main road. Fortunately its a tame one, not one of the crazy beggars back in the field. Once we had her back in I noticed something was up with her.
She was due to calve sometime soon and has bagged up a lot over the last few days, so I was worried the stress had started her calving. Sure enough, down there this morning and she has a nose sticking out the back end. Got a halter on her and some extra help to hold her. I can barely get my hand in as she isn't properly dilated. The calf is obviously dead. Eventually find the front hooves, calf twisted sideways. No way the calf is coming out and I really didn't want to do more harm than good. Quick call to the vet "no problem, we'll have someone down soon" 5 minutes later they call back "someone on the way, but I need to take payment now" I'm stood in the middle of a field, shite and blood etc up to my elbows, phone on loudspeaker balanced on a fence post with a cow desperately straining away next to me. I had to take a long deep breath before I could come up with a semi polite reply/explanation as to why it really wasnt convenient to be making a payment right now!!
Vet arrives and he has the calf out in no time. I'm glad I use an extremely easy calving bull for all my cows and heifers. "yes it looks like stress related abortion, no bleeding etc, should be good to breed again in future etc etc"
It would have been the most lovely heifer calve, out of an extremely special heifer. I'm usually told Im too harsh and cold a person, but this kind of thing makes me want to cry like a child or throw up. The heifer had the most beautiful white heart shape on its forehead and looked exactly the same as another heifer I lost 2 years ago who was very special too.

Anyway, just reread that and I'm not sure how much sense it all makes! It's one thing after another here atm, with minimal support. I suppose what doesn't kill you makes you stronger... But I really don't feel strong any more.
Makes sense , dont worry.

Livestock farming is very hard at times , sounds like you are trying your best with challenges and certain others at this time haven't helped (n):mad:.
 

Christoph1945

Member
Location
Cheshire
Never seen anything like that on Emmerdale m8; I am absolutely amazed and impressed that you kept your cool when communicating with the vet's office whilst battling with a livestock life and death situation. I guess that if the vet had not arrived in time you may well have lost the mother as well as the calf.

I suppose that you now have to pay for disposal of the calf; on top of a hefty vet's bill. Does farm insurance cover such losses? Sorry if that happens to be a daft question; I'm a bit of a farm ignorant townie and am still learning all matters farming. I do know quite a bit about stress, anxiety, and depression though! :)
 
Thank you all for the kind replies. Its not that I can't cope with losing stock etc. as where there is livestock, there is dead stock. We all have to lose something or someone special at some point in our lives.
But what gets to me is when everything else has piled up and there is a complete lack of understanding from those around. I don't need someone to dry my tears or rub my shoulders every five minutes, but a bit of "we get that something is up, take your time, fix the issues properly and then we can move on"
Instead it's "when will you be back in the office" and similar statements. I wouldn't usually say this, but it's on a forum that no one really knows who I am, but I spend all day every day bowing and scraping to certain peoples wants, only to be asked when they are going to get more from me. In my day job I could be the top sales person bringing in millions, I would still get asked "when are you going to do more?"
 
Never seen anything like that on Emmerdale m8; I am absolutely amazed and impressed that you kept your cool when communicating with the vet's office whilst battling with a livestock life and death situation. I guess that if the vet had not arrived in time you may well have lost the mother as well as the calf.

I suppose that you now have to pay for disposal of the calf; on top of a hefty vet's bill. Does farm insurance cover such losses? Sorry if that happens to be a daft question; I'm a bit of a farm ignorant townie and am still learning all matters farming. I do know quite a bit about stress, anxiety, and depression though! :)
Thank you. It was a struggle staying calm, but at the end of the day it was a secretary doing her job, I can't hold grudges lol!
The financial expense becomes secondary for me with a situation like that, I care about my animals more than I care about what profit they make me! Obviously they have to pay their way, but they mean more to me than just another source of income. I can soon earn another quid, its the kick in the teeth of a loss like today's that doesn't help!!
 
i was thinking cheeky fekkers wanting money up front :mad:
Most likely because I refused to pay for some work they did for me once until the price was reduced as it was truly ridiculous! A change of vets is on the cards ASAP, although the guy they sent out today was a good sort, he certainly made me feel a hell of a lot better about the whole thing!
 

Christoph1945

Member
Location
Cheshire
Oh. I is still around Rich but tend to hover in the background and expand my knowledge of the farming world and all it's foibles. It's good to see more people realising that sharing can be an effective tool in the battle against, anxiety, and depression.

Me and Margaret have weathered the lockdown quite well and despite all the restrictions haven't done too badly. Prior to the arrival of the coronavirus, I had already been pressing Margaret for us to practice social distancing during the annual influenza season and we had also built up a small stock of essentials. It was just as well that we were ahead of the game because we were completely unable to get a food delivery from any of the supermarkets until just recently.

How, Rich, have you and yours coped with the lockdown and all that has gone with it? I trust that you are all well and the black-dog of depression is keeping it's distance from your house and home and family.
 
Oh. I is still around Rich but tend to hover in the background and expand my knowledge of the farming world and all it's foibles. It's good to see more people realising that sharing can be an effective tool in the battle against, anxiety, and depression.

Me and Margaret have weathered the lockdown quite well and despite all the restrictions haven't done too badly. Prior to the arrival of the coronavirus, I had already been pressing Margaret for us to practice social distancing during the annual influenza season and we had also built up a small stock of essentials. It was just as well that we were ahead of the game because we were completely unable to get a food delivery from any of the supermarkets until just recently.

How, Rich, have you and yours coped with the lockdown and all that has gone with it? I trust that you are all well and the black-dog of depression is keeping it's distance from your house and home and family.
Hi chris pleased you both well sounds like you've got it sussed keeping safe . Like you say regarding shoppings been a pain no deliverys for us either up until last fortnight but got by nicely got a good friend been doing much of ours shes better at queuing than me lol . Other than that we not to bad thanks considering just hope this virus clears off asap? One of my partners carers husband died with virus only 54 fit chap up to contracting it then few days then gone so that brought it home a bit ,, anyway like i say pleased your both well and looking forward to more of your posts , best wishes to you both chris , Richard.
 

DrWazzock

Member
Location
Lincolnshire
Thank you. It was a struggle staying calm, but at the end of the day it was a secretary doing her job, I can't hold grudges lol!
The financial expense becomes secondary for me with a situation like that, I care about my animals more than I care about what profit they make me! Obviously they have to pay their way, but they mean more to me than just another source of income. I can soon earn another quid, its the kick in the teeth of a loss like today's that doesn't help!!
I can identify with that, having been up till 2am a year or two back helping the vet pull two dead twins out by Caesarian. He did an excellent job and the cow made a good recovery but the loss took some dealing with. The way the cow looks at you as much to say you let me down doesn’t help. Thing is though, if you didn’t care then that would be a very bad sign. The best stockman do care and it always gets to them a bit. So you have reacted as any good stockman would IMO.
The pressure of the office job, been there. Maybe you need to take the bull by the horns and make some career changes? Certainly nobody will do it for you. Oh yes they might be surprised you want to change but if they are the sort of employer that don’t see it coming then they don’t deserve to have you working for them.
Just my pennorth.
 
I can identify with that, having been up till 2am a year or two back helping the vet pull two dead twins out by Caesarian. He did an excellent job and the cow made a good recovery but the loss took some dealing with. The way the cow looks at you as much to say you let me down doesn’t help. Thing is though, if you didn’t care then that would be a very bad sign. The best stockman do care and it always gets to them a bit. So you have reacted as any good stockman would IMO.
The pressure of the office job, been there. Maybe you need to take the bull by the horns and make some career changes? Certainly nobody will do it for you. Oh yes they might be surprised you want to change but if they are the sort of employer that don’t see it coming then they don’t deserve to have you working for them.
Just my pennorth.
Thanks @DrWazzock for replying. I know what you mean, I feel crap about it as it feels like its my fault, even if it isn't I can't get rid of that feeling.

I would change jobs tomorrow, but I'm kind of "tied in" to a family business a bit, although with every incident that happens, I get that bit closer to thinking "sod it, whatever the supposed benefits are here, I'm walking". Deep down inside, it feels like I'm playing a waiting game, as though maybe that moment is coming where an opportunity comes up where I can really move on and make some progress in life. I am constantly keeping alert to oppounities, it's finding the right one that's difficult. Heck it's hard to explain on a forum without sounding cryptic ?? hopefully someone gets the gist that it's pretty deep....
 

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