Dealing with depression - suicidal thoughts - Join the conversation (including helpline details)

[CornishRanger]

Thanks,

dad is still with us but had a stroke a few years ago. He went from the most hard working man I’ve known to being wheelchair bound, unable to look after himself and left with no speech. And all over night. It’s been a hard long journey and mum is now his full time carer. It’s the speech thing that is the toughest part. He is still there inside as he will laugh at old memories and will point out things that he notices around the farm if something is out of place but is trapped with no voice.

grandad is 89 and in hospital with flu. Very weak and doesn’t seem to want to eat anything despite me visiting each day and trying to encourage him that he needs some nutrition to build himself up again.

life just seems to have passed by I am early 30’s now but it seems like yesterday these two men in my life were these big giants whom I looked up to

Stroke is a terrible thing, it can make someone a prisoner in their own body as I saw with my grandad.

It's tough to see someone who has always been a symbol of strength reduced in the way your dad and grandad have been, but it must also be difficult for them going from the "supporter" to the "supported".

Do you have any siblings/significant other to help you?

 

[Christoph1945]

Thanks,

dad is still with us but had a stroke a few years ago. He went from the most hard working man I’ve known to being wheelchair bound, unable to look after himself and left with no speech. And all over night. It’s been a hard long journey and mum is now his full time carer. It’s the speech thing that is the toughest part. He is still there inside as he will laugh at old memories and will point out things that he notices around the farm if something is out of place but is trapped with no voice.

grandad is 89 and in hospital with flu. Very weak and doesn’t seem to want to eat anything despite me visiting each day and trying to encourage him that he needs some nutrition to build himself up again.

life just seems to have passed by I am early 30’s now but it seems like yesterday these two men in my life were these big giants whom I looked up to

Sory to hear about dad's stroke and mums added work load. Having robbed dad of his speech, has the stroke left him with any motor facilities in any of his limbs; arms, legs, fingers, or toes. Does mum get any support from the National Health Service?

Jeez, poor Grandad; when you feel like absolute crap, it can be very difficult to even think about food. Could it possibly be that the food being put in front of Grandad presents him with a problem eating it?

Chris

 

[mobileweld]

Sory to hear about dad's stroke and mums added work load. Having robbed dad of his speech, has the stroke left him with any motor facilities in any of his limbs; arms, legs, fingers, or toes. Does mum get any support from the National Health Service?

Jeez, poor Grandad; when you feel like absolute crap, it can be very difficult to even think about food. Could it possibly be that the food being put in front of Grandad presents him with a problem eating it?

Chris

He has use of his left arm and left leg. His right side is gone. Right arm and leg are more or less dead weight. Wheel chair bound.

The nhs supply the manual wheelchair but off the top of my head I think that is all the support we have had. We built a downstairs extension on the farm house and wet room ect ourselves so he could be at home.

Not sure on the food thing. He just says he isn’t hungry but he must be. I left a lemon flapjack with him last night and am going there again shortly so will see if things have improved tonight. Fingers crossed. I can remember clear as day I was the one who broke the news to grandad about what had happened to his son (my dad) and now feel like I am going to be re-living that moment almost if anything happens to him I now have to tell dad. Difficult times. Thanks for listening

 

[holwellcourtfarm]

He has use of his left arm and left leg. His right side is gone. Right arm and leg are more or less dead weight. Wheel chair bound.

The nhs supply the manual wheelchair but off the top of my head I think that is all the support we have had. We built a downstairs extension on the farm house and wet room ect ourselves so he could be at home.

Not sure on the food thing. He just says he isn’t hungry but he must be. I left a lemon flapjack with him last night and am going there again shortly so will see if things have improved tonight. Fingers crossed. I can remember clear as day I was the one who broke the news to grandad about what had happened to his son (my dad) and now feel like I am going to be re-living that moment almost if anything happens to him I now have to tell dad. Difficult times. Thanks for listening

That's incredibly hard to cope with. You've been thrown into the full management role at the same time as having to grieve for your dad's loss of life function. Take time to look after yourself. The last thing any of them need is for your mental health to suffer.

 

[Christoph1945]

Grief can be such a debilitating emotion, that so many of us only associate with death and don't realise it can come in varying strengths, depending on the particular loss and one's relationship with that lost and, alas, it can colour our day to day relationships; depending upon the strength of the greif.

My wife lost her sense of smell the year her mother died and the last thing that she can remember smelling was the wood of her mother's coffin. Only her sense of smell (some would say) but she can't smell a burning pan, a gas leak, or a fire; unless the smoke from that fire is thick enough for her to see, or it makes her cough. All small cheese, compared to the loss of a limb, or a loved one. Her greater struggle comes with her loss of mobility and independence but even those are not as bad as a sudden stroke.

With Dad's loss of speech, how is he actually managing to communicate and was the hand that he lost the use of his dominant hand? My reason for asking was that I was wondering if Dad could actually operate a laptop keyboard.

 

[ollie989898]

I used to work in a hospital that specialised in stroke rehabilitation. Nearly every single stroke I saw crushed me just thinking about it on the way home without exception. I was fortunate enough to have a magic time there and did see people with relatively minor strokes who made excellent recoveries.

 

[Christoph1945]

I used to work in a hospital that specialised in stroke rehabilitation. Nearly every single stroke I saw crushed me just thinking about it on the way home without exception. I was fortunate enough to have a magic time there and did see people with relatively minor strokes who made excellent recoveries.

For people born with cerebral palsy ( not to unlike stroke I suppose )they sometimes do special limb execises in the hopes of getting areas of the brain to take over the work of the damaged cells.

 

[Christoph1945]

For people born with cerebral palsy ( not too unlike stroke I suppose )they sometimes do special limb exercises in the hopes of getting areas of the brain to take over the work of the damaged cells.

I think that it was called patterning but I could be wrong.

 

[L P]

Farming is a funny enterprise, we all put a lot of pressure on ourselves to perform, of course we do. Some farms are inherited and the pressure is to keep it going, some tenanted and sometimes little else behind it to keep you with a roof over your head, some are just contractors and need a very fine line of work to compete and pay the bills. All this whilst fighting with hugely fluctuating markets. I know only too well the side of family farms (and savage illness in the family) and the contracting struggle. I still strive for perfection on an imperfect farm, seasons, mood and conditions will unlikely align to produce the perfect year in my lifetime.... like so many people in the business, nobody will pat me on the back or reassure me, nobody here probably understands...
It's a depressing thread this but I read it in the hope help can be given to those in need. My advice is to be very aware we are in a lonely environment, we are probably doing far better than we think we are, of course doing our very best... nobody is likely to understand fully... walk yourself outside, look at the sky and congratulate yourself that you are still farming and doing your best.... self praise is not no praise in farming, often its the only praise.

 

[Lofty1984]

@mobileweld how are you getting on buddy

 

[Al R]

Farming is a funny enterprise, we all put a lot of pressure on ourselves to perform, of course we do. Some farms are inherited and the pressure is to keep it going, some tenanted and sometimes little else behind it to keep you with a roof over your head, some are just contractors and need a very fine line of work to compete and pay the bills. All this whilst fighting with hugely fluctuating markets. I know only too well the side of family farms (and savage illness in the family) and the contracting struggle. I still strive for perfection on an imperfect farm, seasons, mood and conditions will unlikely align to produce the perfect year in my lifetime.... like so many people in the business, nobody will pat me on the back or reassure me, nobody here probably understands...
It's a depressing thread this but I read it in the hope help can be given to those in need. My advice is to be very aware we are in a lonely environment, we are probably doing far better than we think we are, of course doing our very best... nobody is likely to understand fully... walk yourself outside, look at the sky and congratulate yourself that you are still farming and doing your best.... self praise is not no praise in farming, often its the only praise.

Thanks, brilliant post. I find myself lurking on here more and more. Wife is considering leaving due to lack of love/attraction, financially never been better off due to my hard work and determination although I spend far more time with her and the children than anyone else I know (even more than non farmers)

Your post has given some light into what has been a very sh!t few months

 

[KennyO]

Farming is a funny enterprise, we all put a lot of pressure on ourselves to perform, of course we do. Some farms are inherited and the pressure is to keep it going, some tenanted and sometimes little else behind it to keep you with a roof over your head, some are just contractors and need a very fine line of work to compete and pay the bills. All this whilst fighting with hugely fluctuating markets. I know only too well the side of family farms (and savage illness in the family) and the contracting struggle. I still strive for perfection on an imperfect farm, seasons, mood and conditions will unlikely align to produce the perfect year in my lifetime.... like so many people in the business, nobody will pat me on the back or reassure me, nobody here probably understands...
It's a depressing thread this but I read it in the hope help can be given to those in need. My advice is to be very aware we are in a lonely environment, we are probably doing far better than we think we are, of course doing our very best... nobody is likely to understand fully... walk yourself outside, look at the sky and congratulate yourself that you are still farming and doing your best.... self praise is not no praise in farming, often its the only praise.

Brilliantly written post. Thank you.

 

[holwellcourtfarm]

Wife is considering leaving due to lack of love/attraction, financially never been better off due to my hard work and determination although I spend far more time with her and the children than anyone else I know

How do YOU feel? Couples can simply fall out of love over time, I have known several do so. If both are really engaged in reversing that it can be done but if either is not fully on-board with it then it's likely to fail from what I hear.

Splitting up would not be the end of the world if it isn't resolveable. An amicable split is way better than staying in a miserable marriage. Don't be miserable for the rest of your life just because you are scared to split up.

 

[mobileweld]

@mobileweld how are you getting on buddy

Im still here and getting along.
Grandad has been let out of hospital I think mainly due to the strikes. But he is home still very unwell in my opinion but has been given antibiotics so fingers crossed.

I am working lots been a very busy few weeks I work with a veg producer and it is their busy season. The frost was hard on the machines lots of breakages

 

[Lofty1984]

Im still here and getting along.
Grandad has been let out of hospital I think mainly due to the strikes. But he is home still very unwell in my opinion but has been given antibiotics so fingers crossed.

I am working lots been a very busy few weeks I work with a veg producer and it is their busy season. The frost was hard on the machines lots of breakages

Have you managed to encourage grandad to eat

 

[FG.]

Have you managed to encourage grandad to eat

Finger's crossed
It's funny (totally the wrong word) how you look back to when you were young and all the ways you were encouraged to eat when you were poorly.
When my mum (93) is having a rough patch and this autumn seems to trying everything, its a very different emotional battle, as you know they really have to eat.
Soup is 'usually' the saviour and a bit of toast, but not always.
Energy/protein shakes are also useful.

 

[Christoph1945]

Strage rememberances.

With Christmas Eve hot on our heels, I have found memories of old friendships and acquaintances floating up from the depths of my mind; I can't help wondering if I am heading for a Scrooge type Christmas Eve.

Of four girls that I was once close to; two died of cancer, one walked under a heavy goods vehicle and one threw her self of an overpass and in front of a speeding lorry. An aunt and a nephew both commited suicide; as did, possibly, my old school chum George.

Of course many others were taken by natural causes and for some I had the opportunity to sit beside their deathbed and thank them for their kindness, friendship, and support over the years. Hearing is, perhaps, the last sense to leave the departing!

Don't worry, I'm not slipping into depression but if anyone is depressed please remember that it will pass and you will discover brighter days and nights.

Stay safe, stay well, and have a blessed Christmas

Chris

 

[czechmate]

Strage rememberances.

With Christmas Eve hot on our heels, I have found memories of old friendships and acquaintances floating up from the depths of my mind; I can't help wondering if I am heading for a Scrooge type Christmas Eve.

Of four girls that I was once close to; two died of cancer, one walked under a heavy goods vehicle and one threw her self of an overpass and in front of a speeding lorry. An aunt and a nephew both commited suicide; as did, possibly, my old school chum George.

Of course many others were taken by natural causes and for some I had the opportunity to sit beside their deathbed and thank them for their kindness, friendship, and support over the years. Hearing is, perhaps, the last sense to leave the departing!

Don't worry, I'm not slipping into depression but if anyone is depressed please remember that it will pass and you will discover brighter days and nights.

Stay safe, stay well, and have a blessed Christmas

Chris

crikey Chris, I don’t think you have told us that before.
Wishing you a blessed Christmas too.
Mark

 

[CornishRanger]

Strage rememberances.

With Christmas Eve hot on our heels, I have found memories of old friendships and acquaintances floating up from the depths of my mind; I can't help wondering if I am heading for a Scrooge type Christmas Eve.

Of four girls that I was once close to; two died of cancer, one walked under a heavy goods vehicle and one threw her self of an overpass and in front of a speeding lorry. An aunt and a nephew both commited suicide; as did, possibly, my old school chum George.

Of course many others were taken by natural causes and for some I had the opportunity to sit beside their deathbed and thank them for their kindness, friendship, and support over the years. Hearing is, perhaps, the last sense to leave the departing!

Don't worry, I'm not slipping into depression but if anyone is depressed please remember that it will pass and you will discover brighter days and nights.

Stay safe, stay well, and have a blessed Christmas

Chris

Sorry to hear you have lost so many friends in such tragic circumstances, glad to hear your not slipping into depression, it can be a difficult time of year with all the expectations that surround Christmas regarding celebrating family and friends.

I did read on some clickbait recently that hearing in the last sense to go, with the brain registering sound wave information even when it is technically brain-dead.

 

[Christoph1945]

Sorry to hear you have lost so many friends in such tragic circumstances, glad to hear your not slipping into depression, it can be a difficult time of year with all the expectations that surround Christmas regarding celebrating family and friends.

I did read on some clickbait recently that hearing in the last sense to go, with the brain registering sound wave information even when it is technically brain-dead.

Of course, we shouldn't leave it until the last breaths before offering our thanks, or apologies, but do so long before a crisis strikes. One of my older brothers was counselling a lady who had fallen out with her daughter over some matter and refused to acknowledge or speak to the girl anymore. Unfortunately, unknown to the mother, the girl had terminal cancer and died before the rift could be heald; leaving the mother bereft with guilt.