Old men set in their ways

[Martinamachine]

At my wits end now ! Nearly 55 and old man thinks I don’t know anything yet! Just fell out again , over the fact I had the roller behind the discs . Ffs he does believe in trying to improve the soil structure and that all the experts on the subject don’t know what there doing either . I have had mental health issues all my life , with his negativity at me all the time . I have worked away but keep coming back here because I want to be on the farm it’s were I grew up . But he is old now and is running the farm into the ground and I am trying not to but he can’t see it hence we fall out .
Who else is in the same boat ?

 

[dairyrow]

I think you'll find alot of farms are like that mate. If it isn't working for you and your not getting paid properly. I'd maybe go and do something else. Easier said than done i will admit

 

[deleted user 837354]

Two harsh choices I fear in trying to sort this. One involves threatening to leave the place unless changes are made.

What is wrong with the roller behind the discs?

 

[Martinamachine]

I think you'll find alot of farms are like that mate. If it isn't working for you and your not getting paid properly. I'd maybe go and do something else. Easier said than done i will admit

Thanks

 

[Steevo]

Easier said than done but try not to let it get to you. If you can rise above it, accept his view, accept your view, and carry on as you would have before.

Neither is right, neither is wrong.....they are just different.

 

[dinderleat]

It’s only words he can’t stop you doing anything

 

[Timbo]

It’s only words he can’t stop you doing anything

I agree with what you said per-sey, but the constant moaning / arguing / chipping away grinds you down and down - Ive been in the exact same boat as the OP. Culminating with months off work on a/d's.

Father stubborn as an ox determined to do it his way with the business hemorrhaging money & a wife suffering with dementia shutting herself away like a hermit. He couldn't see an issue. Head totally in the sand.

In a nutshell, they got moved out, off the farm. 18months on, he is almost a changed man, caring for his wife and letting me , and crucially, supporting me in running the business.

 

[pappuller]

At my wits end now ! Nearly 55 and old man thinks I don’t know anything yet! Just fell out again , over the fact I had the roller behind the discs . Ffs he does believe in trying to improve the soil structure and that all the experts on the subject don’t know what there doing either . I have had mental health issues all my life , with his negativity at me all the time . I have worked away but keep coming back here because I want to be on the farm it’s were I grew up . But he is old now and is running the farm into the ground and I am trying not to but he can’t see it hence we fall out .
Who else is in the same boat ?

a dam good thrashing usually does the trick, well it did here !!

 

[Kidds]

a dam good thrashing usually does the trick, well it did here !!

Did it really?
And who thrashed who?

 

[dinderleat]

Did it really?
And who thrashed who?

Must of bean clash of the titans

 

[Scholsey]

Leave a strip not rolled like he wants and do what you want on the rest and compare so can hopefully prove him wrong. Spent years having to do this with my old man and he eventually got fed up of being wrong more often than not and left me to it, we still have some blazing rows mine.

How ever much you argue you will still miss him when he’s gone, I know I will miss my old chap when he gone, just try and remember that.

 

[yin ewe]

TBH I'll be lost when my auld da gives up the fight, 80 years young and just last week I saw him take the graip off the 17 year old who gives us a hand sometimes. Can have an major row with him then 10mins later all back to normal. I always ask his opinion, then try and manipulate him round to my way of thinking.
It's nice just to be able to have somone to bounce ideas off even if it's just wondering if we will cut silage today or not.

 

[Martinamachine]

Leave a strip not rolled like he wants and do what you want on the rest and compare so can hopefully prove him wrong. Spent years having to do this with my old man and he eventually got fed up of being wrong more often than not and left me to it, we still have some blazing rows mine.

How ever much you argue you will still miss him when he’s gone, I know I will miss my old chap when he gone, just try and remember that.

No won’t miss him at all he blames me for having to marry my mother

 

[Cowabunga]

Some people are just horrible and my father was like that. All he did for decades was to run us down and complain that this that or the other was wrong. It only got better when his eyesight failed and he had to give up driving down here, in his early 80's. He genuinely spoilt the enjoyment of farming and I spent ten years off-farm doing other work or I would have killed him. Literally.
He died a few months ago and I don't miss him or grieve one little bit. He made me hate him over decades of torment. He never made any decisions and I farmed it and milked the cows from the age of 18 on, until I took a self-employed flexible hours job that still let me manage and do the bigger jobs on the farm.

It is hard to describe how much constant put-downs every day for years takes its toll. How it changes attitudes towards people, including parents. So be nice parents that support their children, as I hope I am and do for my daughter, because eventually the wheel turns.

So I understand perfectly where you are coming from. It is a dreadful situation. The answer, for me, was to distance myself as much as possible and luckily my mother is far more switched on and got the farm transferred to myself and my brother when I was quite young. Distance wasn't the full answer though, because he insisted coming down to belittle us and me in particular for many years and I think he thought he was indispensable until he was stopped driving. Since then things have been so much nicer and more enjoyable, its amazing. The barsteward made the best years of my life harder and more miserable, missing opportunities until I was too old to make the most of it. Nearly sold the whole lot at one time because of him. To the outside world he was all smiles and took credit for everything my brother and I did, while opposing everything tooth and nail in private.

 

[Scholsey]

No won’t miss him at all he blames me for having to marry my mother

Fair enough, is it owned or tenanted farm?

 

[Shep]

I could write a book, but it would be the most depressing book in the world.
I was on anti depressants as a teenager, because of him.
Not easy when everything you say or do is wrong, it's a hard way to grow up when your old man is a bully, filling you with doubt, sapping your self confidence, incompetent too, farmed all his life and never made a penny, only for mum working we would have been in absolute poverty. He has run the place Into the ground, his brother did the same to his place, all after grandad bought and paid for farms apiece for them and left them well set up.
He's nearly 90 and I'm still doing it all wrong, he still tries to undermine me at every turn, even tells lies about me to neighbours and even strangers to try and make me look bad.
Thankfully I inherited my uncles place, which was derelict but I've spent the last 25 years getting it to where I want it, it has cost everything I earned to do it, but it's mine and it has been successful, I'm supposed to get dad's place but he could leave it to the cats home for all I know.
If I had my time again I would have finished my education in electronic engineering and buggered off to a job somewhere, far away.

 

[Martinamachine]

Some people are just horrible and my father was like that. All he did for decades was to run us down and complain that this that or the other was wrong. It only got better when his eyesight failed and he had to give up driving down here, in his early 80's. He genuinely spoilt the enjoyment of farming and I spent ten years off-farm doing other work or I would have killed him. Literally.
He died a few months ago and I don't miss him or grieve one little bit. He made me hate him over decades of torment. He never made any decisions and I farmed it and milked the cows from the age of 18 on, until I took a self-employed flexible hours job that still let me manage and do the bigger jobs on the farm.

It is hard to describe how much constant put-downs every day for years takes its toll. How it changes attitudes towards people, including parents. So be nice parents that support their children, as I hope I am and do for my daughter, because eventually the wheel turns.

So I understand perfectly where you are coming from. It is a dreadful situation. The answer, for me, was to distance myself as much as possible and luckily my mother is far more switched on and got the farm transferred to myself and my brother when I was quite young. Distance wasn't the full answer though, because he insisted coming down to belittle us and me in particular for many years and I think he thought he was indispensable until he was stopped driving. Since then things have been so much nicer and more enjoyable, its amazing. The barsteward made the best years of my life harder and more miserable, missing opportunities until I was too old to make the most of it. Nearly sold the whole lot at one time because of him. To the outside world he was all smiles and took credit for everything my brother and I did, while opposing everything tooth and nail in private.

Yep sounds just like my old got

 

[Shep]

Once he bought an old digger for me to fix the farm up for him, threw tantrums when I didn't come up to the standard expected in my digger driving skills, I was 16 and never drove a digger before! Eventually I got good enough, but he took any credit from anyone who commented, he never sat in it once, but told everyone how easy it was.

 

[Martinamachine]

Fair enough, is it owned or tenanted farm?

The farm is tenanted (180) but own 130 acres he doesn’t want anyone to have it after him and wants to sell the other land . I have 2 sister and a brother and none of them really talk to him and none of the grandchildren but if you met him you would then say he was a great person

 

[pappuller]

Did it really?
And who thrashed who?

The young buck took the kings crown about 20 yrs ago [emoji23] only problem is I have a young pretender to the throne on my heels now [emoji44]