Things that make you sad

[Christoph1945]

Things that make me sad?

The simplicity of children who suffer and die. The despairing, who top them selves. The violent people, who think that they can change the world by killing. The rich and powerful, who have others lay down their lives for them.

The true value of our old and our young is so often forgotten, as we struggle with our personal challenges that life throws at us. Your Dad is a well spring of wisdom and knowledge; let him know that you don't know everything and genuinely seek his advice on something. See if you can get him to share some of his innermost thoughts and perhaps even regrets. As we slow down and are able to do less, past events can often catch up and haunt us but sharing them can rob them of their power but it may cost you a tear or two. There is still time to heal old wounds and rekindle familial love.

Through selfishness, lack of wisdom, and ignorance, I missed the opportunity. Please don't do the same.

 

[llamedos]

Loosing my Dad in 1994 at the age of 70, he had so much to give, so full of wisdom, as raw now as it was then, I miss him every day.
I wish I had asked more and written it down.
The older I get the more I hear myself and see myself doing and saying things he did.
He had time for everyone, treated everyone the same, he allowed you to err, but didnt suffer fools.
His memory for miscellany seems hereditary

It makes me very happy the time I spent with him and the memories it created, but it make me sad that medical science had not progressed enough to keep him alive and well.
I still feel robbed.

 

[holwellcourtfarm]

Loosing my Dad in 1994 at the age of 70, he had so much to give, so full of wisdom, as raw now as it was then, I miss him every day.
I wish I had asked more and written it down.
The older I get the more I hear myself and see myself doing and saying things he did.
He had time for everyone, treated everyone the same, he allowed you to err, but didnt suffer fools.
His memory for miscellany seems hereditary

It makes me very happy the time I spent with him and the memories it created, but it make me sad that medical science had not progressed enough to keep him alive and well.
I still feel robbed.

Beautifully put.

 

[chaffcutter]

I could have written that myself, lost Dad at 62 with cancer back in 1987, I'm sure that he could have survived it with today's treatments.

 

[Gong Farmer]

Looking at son's 11 year old chocolate lab, who's with us for a week. In her youth she was a right pia, causing all sorts of trouble and mess, boundless energy. Thing is labs seem to show signs of suffering with old age more than any other breed, and seeing her now struggling to get up, walk and with sad bloodshot eyes is very upsetting.

 

[Christoph1945]

I just love the outlook of dogs; they never ask for more than...... accept me, feed me, and walk with me.

Oh, and they never get upset if you forget their birthday!

The grief and pain of saying goodbye can hurt far deeper that the loss of some humans. Interestingly, dog is god spelled backwards.

 

[thatlldaespot]

My father died ten days before my 18th birthday, after a long struggle with illness. He was a brilliant man, much loved by all who knew him, and my lifelong regret is that I didn't know him better. He was quite a strict and old-fashioned father, I guess partly because he knew he wasn't going to make old bones, and he wanted to instill some self discipline into me .... but of course I was being a horrible adolescent and just resented it.

So of course when he died I was free from that discipline, and only now do I realise how much I have lost as a result. Oh, the regrets and the grief. Our last message to each other was of love, fortunately, but if only I could have had him in my life for a few more years.....

I realise that many of you are struggling with aging parents who are making things tough for you, but believe me, the alternative truly sucks too. Please, if you still have your father in your life, go and give him a hug or make him a cup of tea and have a friendly natter for me.

 

[Tarw Coch]

All I can say I would not like to have to spend 18 days in hospital, even one night would be enough for me

It's coming up to 3 years now that dad was sent home "to die" after 14 weeks in hospital and losing 5 stone in weight, and would never be able to eat solid food again. It certainly brought tears to my eyes seeing him back home, and just by looking at him you could see he wouldn't last long.
The situation was made worse when the private carers we had arranged pulled out after 24 hours because they couldn't manage him. It was a long lonely weekend that followed, mother and I not knowing how we were going to cope. But dad had other ideas, at Sunday dinner he was reaching over and grabbing slices of beef as mother sliced and before you know it he was eating a normal diet, putting on weight, gathering strength and was soon able to walk down the farm yard and with help would get in the tractor with me or get in the Land Rover to go around the stock.

He was quite good up until just before Christmas 2015 when he got pneumonia and had to go back into hospital for a few days. That stay ended up lasting 7 weeks as the so called health care professionals reckoned we couldn't look after him properly at home. In all that time in hospital they didn't get him out of bed once, we had one heck of a battle with them to let him come home, they wanted him put in a home and to see the way some of the hospital staff bullied mother into trying to put him in a home was quite shocking. But get him home we did and there hasn't been a day in the last 18 months when we haven't got him out of bed and he's been able to walk from the next room to the kitchen table, unfortunately that 7 weeks off his legs lost him a lot of strength and at his age, now 89 he isn't going to get that back. I didn't mention that he also has dementia which doesn't help but he takes great delight when I get him in our Kioti UTV and take him around the farm, unfortunately he's no longer able to get up into the Land Rover and the car is too low for him to get up out of so in not able to take him further afield now.

Even with his dementia he still has a quick wit and sense of humour, last year I bought a bull of a forum member, I was very late for dinner after fetching him home and he wanted to know why.
I've been to fetch a bull I said.

What's his name he replied.

Tarrington Liberator I replied.

Same initials as me he said but he's not as good as me!

Oh, why do you say that?

You don't know if he'll work, you know I work, we've got you to prove that.


Every day he says something to make us laugh , life is precious and we do all we can to look after him, no thanks to the NHS.
My advice to anyone who has. Elderly relatives go into hospital is to look out for them because you can't trust the NHS to do it.

 

[multi power]

It's coming up to 3 years now that dad was sent home "to die" after 14 weeks in hospital and losing 5 stone in weight, and would never be able to eat solid food again. It certainly brought tears to my eyes seeing him back home, and just by looking at him you could see he wouldn't last long.
The situation was made worse when the private carers we had arranged pulled out after 24 hours because they couldn't manage him. It was a long lonely weekend that followed, mother and I not knowing how we were going to cope. But dad had other ideas, at Sunday dinner he was reaching over and grabbing slices of beef as mother sliced and before you know it he was eating a normal diet, putting on weight, gathering strength and was soon able to walk down the farm yard and with help would get in the tractor with me or get in the Land Rover to go around the stock.

He was quite good up until just before Christmas 2015 when he got pneumonia and had to go back into hospital for a few days. That stay ended up lasting 7 weeks as the so called health care professionals reckoned we couldn't look after him properly at home. In all that time in hospital they didn't get him out of bed once, we had one heck of a battle with them to let him come home, they wanted him put in a home and to see the way some of the hospital staff bullied mother into trying to put him in a home was quite shocking. But get him home we did and there hasn't been a day in the last 18 months when we haven't got him out of bed and he's been able to walk from the next room to the kitchen table, unfortunately that 7 weeks off his legs lost him a lot of strength and at his age, now 89 he isn't going to get that back. I didn't mention that he also has dementia which doesn't help but he takes great delight when I get him in our Kioti UTV and take him around the farm, unfortunately he's no longer able to get up into the Land Rover and the car is too low for him to get up out of so in not able to take him further afield now.

Even with his dementia he still has a quick wit and sense of humour, last year I bought a bull of a forum member, I was very late for dinner after fetching him home and he wanted to know why.
I've been to fetch a bull I said.

What's his name he replied.

Tarrington Liberator I replied.

Same initials as me he said but he's not as good as me!

Oh, why do you say that?

You don't know if he'll work, you know I work, we've got you to prove that.


Every day he says something to make us laugh , life is precious and we do all we can to look after him, no thanks to the NHS.
My advice to anyone who has. Elderly relatives go into hospital is to look out for them because you can't trust the NHS to do it.

I would dread to have to spend time in hospital, I always have the idea in my head that if I spend time in hospital I would come out in a wooden box

 

[Pasty]

If it was any other but your father you'd say he was being an *rsehole and, in fact, he is but you 'can't' say so.

We had the same in our family and have seen it in others. Just give him a 'hypothetical' example of someone acting in that manner and see what his opinion is, when he gives it you can point out it was in fact him last week... If he persists just keep loving him but remove him from anything that will lead to frustration, it worked for us.

I'm sure he's not an Assole (as my gran would say) though. He's a kind and generous man but highly principled to the point of it getting the better of him. We all have failings and the dynamic between he and I is as much my 'fault' as it is his.

It's just really hard when you want to get on. I'm putting up a fence at the mo and he's desperate to get invovled. 'You can't do that on your own' he'll say. I find myself sneaking off and doing a bit when I know he's not up and about. Pathetic really but I know if he comes out to 'help' I'll be fuming by the end of it and thinking bad thoughts and I don't want that. There is no 'crack on with the job' with him. Everything has to take 3 times as long and the end result is no better.

But reading all the other thoughts and experiences, it seems I need to look at how I'm making that happen too. I'm a bit of a loner. Always have been fiercely independent since it was made clear that brother was the favourite. Now he's off the scene so dad is stuck with less favourite son. I want him to enjoy what he has left doing what he loves. He has always said he doesn't want to end up in a home. He wants to just drop dead some day out in a field, doing a job. So I have to respect that but it's almost at the moment finding jobs he can do that don't screw everything up. Doesn't help that he's obsessed with spraying everything with god knows what and that's completely against my philosophy. It's just one thing after another.

 

[Pasty]

I would dread to have to spend time in hospital, I always have the idea in my head that if I spend time in hospital I would come out in a wooden box

I feel exactly the same way. People often seem to go downhill fast once they are in.

 

[Gong Farmer]

Around the time FIL was in hospital (and didn't come out) I heard a news item on the radio about the Liverpool Pathway (?) which seemed to involve assisted passing to allow patients to maintain dignity. I may have interpreted it wrong but it seemed as if FIL was going through something like that. I could explain more about the radio item but my understanding of it is too controversial.

 

[Tarw Coch]

Around the time FIL was in hospital (and didn't come out) I heard a news item on the radio about the Liverpool Pathway (?) which seemed to involve assisted passing to allow patients to maintain dignity. I may have interpreted it wrong but it seemed as if FIL was going through something like that. I could explain more about the radio item but my understanding of it is too controversial.

Yes, I have heard of the Liverpool pathway, my understanding being that they do feck all for them and let them starve to death. In dads case mum fecked their plans up once she could see he wasn't being fed properly and took food in and fed him every day, twice most days.
You'd be pretty disgusted if farmers were to treat their stock like that, In fact the RSPCA would be bringing a prosecution.

 

[Pasty]

Makes you wonder about the NHS. We all love it and it's definitely superior to what most countries have. I think. But bloody hell. My dad was in for 2 years, flat out and paralysed and all he needed was the correct diagnosis and a course of steroids and he was back. Long story but I wonder if the delay in diagnosing actually has made his after effects worse as he still gets a lot of pain.

I am in a lot of pain at the moment. Managing and the cure is there but going through the NHS is a bloody nightmare. You just get passed from pillar to post. Take a day off to go in and you wait for 4 hours, see someone for 5 minutes and then go home to wait for the next letter. I've found a way for it not to effect my daytime work so I just spend my evenings / nights in pain but looking back, it was 2 months ago that I went in and get referred for treatment. I had to wait 2 months for that appointment and have heard nothing since. WTF is that all about? I'm in pain here and I pay a fair bit of tax........

Is it superior?

 

[Tarw Coch]

Makes you wonder about the NHS. We all love it and it's definitely superior to what most countries have. I think. But bloody hell. My dad was in for 2 years, flat out and paralysed and all he needed was the correct diagnosis and a course of steroids and he was back. Long story but I wonder if the delay in diagnosing actually has made his after effects worse as he still gets a lot of pain.

I am in a lot of pain at the moment. Managing and the cure is there but going through the NHS is a bloody nightmare. You just get passed from pillar to post. Take a day off to go in and you wait for 4 hours, see someone for 5 minutes and then go home to wait for the next letter. I've found a way for it not to effect my daytime work so I just spend my evenings / nights in pain but looking back, it was 2 months ago that I went in and get referred for treatment. I had to wait 2 months for that appointment and have heard nothing since. WTF is that all about? I'm in pain here and I pay a fair bit of tax........

Is it superior?

I certainly do wonder, going back to my earlier post about dad being in hospital 3 years ago, he had been suffering with stomach ache and not eating from the early part of the year, they just kept giving him laxatives to get something to move but fact was little was going in to come out. He became weak and had to go into hospital where all they seemed interested in was diagnosing him with dementia which fair enough was coming on but wasn't the cause of his problems. From first visiting the doctors in January it was July by time they'd found the problem, non Hodgkin's lymphoma, he had a 4cm growth in his stomach which was severely restricting the passing of food, the treatment, 6 courses on kimotherapy. Unfortunately he was so weak by then from lack of food that the first course almost killed him, twice we were called in at night because they thought he was going. It was decided then that it was too risky to continue treatment however that one shot of kimo reduced the growth to 1.5 cm which was enough for his digestive system to work again and so far it has remained dormant so isn't affecting him but you do have to wonder if the NHS had been sharper and instead of being obsessed with dementia when he was complaining of stomach problems, if they had diagnosed the problem sooner when he was much stronger he would probably have been fit enough to stand the full course of kimo.

I've seen a lot of the NHS with dad the last few years and not a lot has impressed me. He has seen many doctors and specialists and in my opinion there was only one good one amongst them all, can't remember his name but he's a Scottish farmers son, about 40 working in Shrewsbury hospital.

 

[Gong Farmer]

Yes, I have heard of the Liverpool pathway, my understanding being that they do feck all for them and let them starve to death. In dads case mum fecked their plans up once she could see he wasn't being fed properly and took food in and fed him every day, twice most days.
You'd be pretty disgusted if farmers were to treat their stock like that, In fact the RSPCA would be bringing a prosecution.

FIL was wetting and messing himself and I think the answer was 'don't feed him then' and 'don't give him anything to drink'. As said I think that approach is to maintain dignity and to be fair FIL was deeply ashamed at what he was doing. Still a very drastic approach though.

 

[Tarw Coch]

FIL was wetting and messing himself and I think the answer was 'don't feed him then' and 'don't give him anything to drink'. As said I think that approach is to maintain dignity and to be fair FIL was deeply ashamed at what he was doing. Still a very drastic approach though.

Is there anything more cruel than death by starvation of those who can't fend for themselves,? It's a controversial issue but I believe euthanasia is a better option than that.
So from what I've said above, had it been an option it may have been brought up with dad and whilst I am in favour of it being an option, it's certainly not an option I'd want to take up for my dad as yet, I'm not so sure about the NHS and I'm sure plenty of families wouldn't or couldn't have done what we have. In some ways it's a very dangerous option, I'm not sure the NHS should have that power, but then again I don't think this Liverpool pathway is acceptable either.

 

[rc mx110]

This thread

 

[J 1177]

Seeing my once fit, healthy and incredibly strong (he once threw two men out of a cake shop in darlington by the scruf of the neck, one in each hand as they were pestering the staff). Waste away with lung and brain cancer. Horrible to see.

 

[Pasty]

FIL was wetting and messing himself and I think the answer was 'don't feed him then' and 'don't give him anything to drink'. As said I think that approach is to maintain dignity and to be fair FIL was deeply ashamed at what he was doing. Still a very drastic approach though.

Yep and there's the whole dynamic of that. Who sorts that out? Son? Daughter? Daughter in law? etc. etc. How does each person feel about all that. It was very difficult with Mum as it was her husband and us 2 sons. Some very 'challenging' situations which to be honest, none of us wanted to be in but we dealt with it in good humour. I hope. She went into River View in Dartmouth in the end and they were superb. I can't say a bad word against them. 24/7 access and many a night we would be there very late without the staff really knowing and you could hear how kind they were being with the other patients. I'm really glad she spent her last days there as the ladies did a much better job of caring for her than we ever could.